Is sex important in a kinky relationship? (Full Version)

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SubmissiveAK -> Is sex important in a kinky relationship? (12/17/2007 8:39:03 AM)

I had a long talk with some friends the other day with some kinky friends about submission, being a slave and what I am seeking for myself. When the conversation turned to sexuality I was a bit supprised. I find it extremely embarrassing to discuss my sexual desires, but in the intrests of honesty I bought the bullet and answered his questions.

Well, he told me that for a M/s relationship they feel its important to have that level of intimacy that a loving, sexual relationship can bring. He has also told me that he is heterosexual, and would find it difficult, which I understand. He told me he felt I needed a gay master.

Now I dont consider myself gay, but I am Bi. I agree that intimacy with ones dominant is important, but I dont think it has to come from sex. When I am (imagining being) hog-tied in rope, laying on her bed with my face on her thigh and she's stroking my hair while reading... to me thats extremely intimate without being sexual at all. I am not against being sexually intimate, but I dont feel its 100% necessary.

Maybe that is due to the fact that I am very sexually inexperienced, and have yet to feel that level of connection during sex. How do you feel about intercourse, be it traditional, oral or other, with your dominant/slave?

Somewhat curious,
~submissiveAK~



toservez -> RE: Is sex important in a kinky relationship? (12/17/2007 8:56:55 AM)

Sex is a drive in the human body. Based on many factors from nature, physical, sexual experiences, societal and nurture a human being can be asexual to wanting it morning, noon and night.

For me, I have a high sex drive and consider sexual aspects a strong part of my identity combined with my power exchange relationship to touch as many aspects as possible in my life so these two things mix naturally for me. It is a must have in my relationship because both things are a must have for me. The power exchange aspect is extremely intimate with me and sex can be that way. For me they are simply too close together in my mind and actions to even comprehend one and not the other.

In general though it is only going to be as important as how the relationship is and what is one person’s sex drive. A complete relationship with a person with a solid sex drive is going to make it important not as much as because they are not separate but because that is where your sex is getting fulfilled. If in a casual power exchange relationship or have a low to non existent sex drive then sex is not probably that important.

Generally writing, which can get me in trouble, most in relationships want to feel or express intimacy for a person their heart has gone out to and it is a very natural human response to be sexually affectionate for the person(s) we care about on that level.



RedMagic1 -> RE: Is sex important in a kinky relationship? (12/17/2007 9:00:07 AM)

Making love (standard definition) is an essential part of a committed relationship for me.  This is not true for lots and lots of people, and if you want to read some radically different opinions, you could check out comments on someplace like chastitylifestyle.com.

In my case, I see BDSM as a heightened expression of romantic love -- more advanced and complete than "just" vanilla.



SylvereApLeanan -> RE: Is sex important in a kinky relationship? (12/17/2007 9:05:45 AM)

Standard disclaimers of the IMO/YMMV variety apply.
 
Sex is definitely important for me.  Note the key phrase...for me.  I don't know if telling you why I feel that way will be especially helpful but if you really want to know, feel free to ask.
 
Not everyone will feel the same way as I do.  There are plenty of people who don't engage in sexual activity as part of their BDSM.  It's such a personal choice and dependent on so many variables that there is no one right answer.  If you get your desired/needed level of intimacy from the sort of activity you described, that's perfectly fine.  Your friends want something sexual.  That's fine too.  All it really means is that you and they are not compatible with regard to a BDSM dynamic.  Nothing wrong with that either. 
 
If you don't want to have sex as part of your BDSM, don't have it.  If you do, go ahead.  Your level of sexual experience isn't really an issue.  You don't necessarily need to find a gay/bi master to satisfy your kink.  Unless you want one.  Keep searching.  You'll find someone with whom things fall into place as long as you are willing to exercise patience and perseverance. 
 
Best of luck!



spanklette -> RE: Is sex important in a kinky relationship? (12/17/2007 9:12:07 AM)

Sex is as important to your kinky relationship as you find it to be. It's up to you...there is not right or wrong answer. Well, actually, the right answer is whatever happens to ring your bell.
 
For myself, it depends on what activity we're talking about. Sex is an integral part of my particular relationship, but it's certainly not a necessity in every relationship. You need to find out what suits your dynamic...what makes you happy.



MasterSohun -> RE: Is sex important in a kinky relationship? (12/17/2007 9:17:24 AM)

for me sex would and is an important part of the kinky relationship.



chellekitty -> RE: Is sex important in a kinky relationship? (12/17/2007 9:20:42 AM)

in Maslow's heirarchy of needs (look it up if you have no clue what i am talking about) sex is right there along with food, water, clothing, shelter, sleep and so on....so with that in mind, i guess it really depends on what kind of kinky relationship i am looking for....am i looking for a ocasional play partner (BDSM equivallent of a fuck buddy) - in which case, i only expect them to fulfill one need and that is BDSM play, so no...sex is not important....though it would be cool if we were both into it.........to the opposite end of the spectrum, am i looking for a primary partner - someone who i am looking to spend the rest of my life with? yes absolutely, sex is an absolute requirement........and there are levels inbetween including freinds with kinky benifits and being the secondary partner, where sex is less important, but still there...

i guess i am a little bit weirder, that for me, it varies from relationship to relationship....but i know where i am at, so it is cool...

chelle



thetammyjo -> RE: Is sex important in a kinky relationship? (12/17/2007 9:21:58 AM)

Ah, this is why talking about traditional sexual activities or vanilla ones if very important early on in a kinky dynamic -- less risk of starting off in something that will not work out when needs or desires are too mismatched.

While I can certainly understand not wanting to talk about non-kinky sex with strangers, I think you did the right thing, SubmissiveAK, to give over that with this person and be able to discuss things. Being able to do that will help you in the future.



mstrj69 -> RE: Is sex important in a kinky relationship? (12/17/2007 9:22:45 AM)

Sexual intercourse does not have to be a daily or hourly activity to be part of whom you are.  It depends on what you and your one decide on is acceptable to the two of you and what you both decide is sexual intimacy.  As you correctly pointed out in your original post, it does not have to be intercourse. 
You might have a problem with a lot of the younger masters or dominants wanting it more often which is why I said it has to be decided and agreed upon between the two of you.  Eventually you will find someone who fits what you want.



TMaster2 -> RE: Is sex important in a kinky relationship? (12/17/2007 9:24:20 AM)

To me sex is important in a kinky relationship.  Kink to me is very sensual, and sensual leads to sex.  Well, almost everything leads to sex for me, but this does too ;)  I can spend hours enjoying the sadistic side of my play, but in the end, it will be sexual, in the end.  Either end. *EG*



LordVelvet -> RE: Is sex important in a kinky relationship? (12/17/2007 9:25:40 AM)

I would say it depends on the relationship. Some can be sensual with out being sexual and others are very sexual. Depends on what is agreed upon. If you don't want it to be sexual, make sure you say that up front. Just My thoughts.
LordVelvet



LadyPact -> RE: Is sex important in a kinky relationship? (12/17/2007 9:26:30 AM)

It's a good question.  I think you're going to get various answers from different people, because people view the importance of sex at various levels.  For some, it's absolutely necessary and for others, it doesn't matter as much.  Also, you're going to get answers depending on how the responder wants to define sex.  There was another thread in a different section recently about that debate, so that can be called into question as well.

If you want to define sex as vaginal coitus, in My current dynamic, it's not that important at all.  In fact, it's a hard limit.  My sub and I grew into sexual activity over time.  I decided that there wasn't to be any until he was collared.  From the time he was collared, he's been permitted to sexually serve Me in the ways I decide, while respecting that limit.  If vaginal intercourse was more important, I wouldn't have chosen the boy I have now as My submissive. 




BumbleBee2MsP -> RE: Is sex important in a kinky relationship? (12/17/2007 9:28:53 AM)

Only if it's Kinky sex. Let's face it, if a kinky relationshipdoesn't have kinky sex, where does it get it's kink?



SilentTigresss -> RE: Is sex important in a kinky relationship? (12/17/2007 9:31:15 AM)

Heehee.. like the "either end" comment.
For myself, i will help with the side of sex being important for/to me. When you are told that "you could fu*k" everyday, all day".. what might that tell you?  
i am being bold on here with strangers, but i need it, plain and simple.  [:)]



DiurnalVampire -> RE: Is sex important in a kinky relationship? (12/17/2007 9:34:15 AM)

For a M/s relationship, sex is not necessary. I have had Angel for a year and a half and he is still a virgin. We have a very good M/s relationship but absolutely no sexual one.
With Fox, on the other hand, we have a very sexual relationship in addition to our M/s one. His submision includes sexual submission, where Angels never has.
I'll admit, though, that my first thought is that sex IS required for a KINKY relationship. Not necessarly a lifestyle one. The kink is what gets you off, kink is inherently sexual. It is possible to serve without sex, to have a very happy and fulfilling relationship without sex, but I dont know if it is possible tohave a kinky relationship witout the aspect of sex involved.

My 2 cents
DV



sexyred1 -> RE: Is sex important in a kinky relationship? (12/17/2007 10:33:37 AM)

This question is asked almost weekly, so I will answer it as I always do, for me, sex is important in all intimate relationships, therefore yes, in a kinky relationship of course.

To me, there is no kink without sex and vice versa.



IrishMist -> RE: Is sex important in a kinky relationship? (12/17/2007 10:42:11 AM)

No more than in any other kind of relationship.




Dnomyar -> RE: Is sex important in a kinky relationship? (12/17/2007 11:00:39 AM)

If your talking about a one on one relationship then sex is going to happen. I scene with friends and there is no sex involved. Ahem their choice not mine. You can play without sex being involved.



Mercnbeth -> RE: Is sex important in a kinky relationship? (12/17/2007 11:05:45 AM)

Our perspective is that our relationship, refer to it as "kinky" if you like, IS sex. It's sex interspersed with pauses for recovery while we wait for our, ever growing older, bodies to get ready for the next thing our brains want to do. Sex is hard-wired as one of the cornerstones of our relationship.

No distinction in our minds exists between the commonly referenced "sex acts" and our sexual, and/or erotic touching, fondling, eye contact, or body gesture, leading to those acts. Thankfully, as a gratuitous 'groper', I found beth, a person who enjoys being groped, even (GASP!) in public!

quote:

I find it extremely embarrassing to discuss my sexual desires, but in the intrests of honesty I bought the bullet and answered his questions.
When you are ready to be 'naked' with a person you are considering a relationship you'll have to overcome this embarrassment. It's not easy. For many it is much easier to take off your clothes than it is to take down your personal protective barriers concerning your sexuality and your fantasies. However it is a very important part of the process. Overcoming your embarrassment to be emotionally and mentally 'naked' is a key to preventing resentment or misunderstanding from occurring down the line.

quote:

I agree that intimacy with ones dominant is important, but I dont think it has to come from sex. When I am (imagining being) hog-tied in rope, laying on her bed with my face on her thigh and she's stroking my hair while reading... to me thats extremely intimate without being sexual at all. I am not against being sexually intimate, but I dont feel its 100% necessary.
There is no universal "dogma" for success but there is a personal dogma for each of us that must mesh with another's which goes into forming 'relationship dogma'. Your current feelings shouldn't be compromised to suit a random partner, or fulfill a short term goal.

It does take patience and commitment to wait and get to know someone instead of trying to make a decision to interact based upon a check-list of limits and desires. Seek someone who illustrates the same definition of "intimacy" as well as other terms and references important to you. Just make sure they act consistent with the words coming from their mouth or their IM window.

Good luck!



Elegant -> RE: Is sex important in a kinky relationship? (12/17/2007 11:30:46 AM)

Sex is important to me but it does not have to come from my owner. It does have to be approved by my owner.



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