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ontiptoes -> RE: Who decides if I am a sub or a slave? him or me? (12/19/2007 5:42:32 AM)
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Thank you everyone for your answers.
By the end I had to re-read my own entry twice, as I wondered if I had used the word "abuse"? I see that I did not say that it was that, but at the same time it seems to be a word often repeated by some of you, so mabe I am not seeing this clearly?, and thus gives me food for thought.
firstly:
I am allowed, and told to phone and mail my family,friends, aswell as come onto the collarme, when he does, but under my full profile. Most of you must have realised that I am going behind his back to post this under another name, and I feel like the idiot that I had to ask this sub/slave question...
I stipulate:
I am in awe of the intelligence of the man with whom I am living, and I have taken certain independent decisions, as yes, yesterday I suffered burnout, and he said that I should of said something earlier, as he burns out cars and women at a tremendous rate.
to answer some of your postings:
I am in no way abducted or enything.
the centre of my question was answered when some of you said that with two cups of coffee I need to define clearly what i am capable of, and what he wants.
I had asked him simply, over the last 4 days, the same question i ask you, and thus the occasions to tell me what he thought of the difference between a sub and a slave, and listened carefully to his answers. He said that he wished for a slave,eventhough his profile said looking for sub., and that I had profiled myself incorrectly, as I was obviously more of a slave in personna than a mere sub.
Late last night I told him (I had not had the occasion to read your postings till this morning) that I was not able to forfill the full role of slave, as I need time to myself. He heard me, but did not answer. Lets just say that as I am an easily swayed personality, he might think that later I will put aside ideals of self-time.
I have been married and have lived many decades, I am not young. and vanilla man or not, nothing suits some men- folks better than to have a live-in secretary, cook, cleaner, bedroom-time, and all the rest....we used to call them housewives...now we call then divorcees...
The difference was that without the "dom" right to say "you must not defy my authority", how many self-realised women stay with men-folk who like her multi-tasking without a thought for her own needs?
I feel, NOT that he is asking to much, but that I am unwilling to give more.
Yesterday I left the house for twenty minutes when he was busy, and went to read a book under a tree looking over a loverly view. It reminded me of who I am, and I felt so much better to come back to the dishes and another meal to prepare.
I do not feel that my day contains more than what I did as a full time mum and wife all those years ago...the difference is the dynamics.
but, with all the answers you have sent, (I have no idea what is left-hand and all that) I do realise that only I can decide if I wish to put aside my personal pleasures (art, reading, writing,etc) which all take alot of time, and that is time not put to taking care of the house and him, or to concecrate myself to the role as a full-time house-wife for want of a better word.
As to the question of discussing beforehand who does what and when and how, I have a dom friend who has been on this site for ages, and each time he gets into correspondance with a girl, they spend months discussing every detail...without ever meeting, even how it would be in bed....they never end up meeting as it falls through, and he is so frustrated to never get a relationship going from email to real-time ....This was a mystery to me,as it just seemed so far from living it. Like the difference between imagining what a job would be like and going to work...I guess I wished to avoid that...as I am much more into "practise" than "theory" when it comes down to it.
In all defense of this dom I am with, he is a very sensitive, intelligent, socially correct (never abduct me), family man, with friends and responsibilities in his community. Non of that is questionable. But what he wishs to have is an attentive woman, who has no other interests or needs besides what makes his life more comfortable.
What it boils down too is "how much is too much?" thus when I took my courage in hand last night to say I would be taking the day off today, and leaving the house, he did not reproach my need for a day off (too sleep mainly) but the fact that I TOLD him and did not ASK him.
I would say that that is the crux of all this.
I will proberly be returning to my life in a few weeks, as this has been a trial period of 24/7, and i have responsibilities back home. (that could be sorted out with a few faxs and financial transfers, which he has offered) but that are for me more a reminder of the fact that i am a western woman, who loves to please a man, but finds it impossible to lose who she is, or rather unwilling....(his friends are asking me to stay, very clearly so, as they say they have never seen him so in love before, and that I obviously have a wonderful affect on him. they are vanilla's and do not know the deeper dynamics, eventhough some eye-brows have been raised)
I bet many of you take me as a naive idiot. Ironically it is that very quality that men find dis-arming. If I were an actress, I would be like the one in THELMA and LOUISE...can't remember her name, but she was very much in need for the guidence of her friend.
As it is early here, and I am better at writing than speaking, I wrote him a message on his computer saying that I was a submissive lady, and not a full-time domestic slave.....but all that seems a bit late, as my ticket home is booked, and once I go, the real-time will not be any more than a memory, as the real-time of my other life will overtake me. I even dared say in my message to him that had it been in vanilla that we established a romance, I would have been able to show so much more of who I am as a person, and what I have to offer as a companion/woman, than just the perfect meal or clean kitchen....
post script:. as corporal punishment was an issue, he will not use it again, after the rather traumatic reaction I had to the one and only occasion.
Once the dust settled, and the temporary felt fear had left, he said that he needed another leaverage as whipping seemed was not an option(but other than mental dominance has not found one),and would never again lay a hand on me, thus his obvious displeasure at my disobedience last night to TELL him something rather than ASK has rocked the balance between us. He told me to go to bed early, which I did, and he watched a movie.. thus the issue is unresolved between us. Ironically, I so want to please him, and see his pleasure that IT IS OBVIOUS TO ME THAT I JUST CREATE MY OWN PRISON. (and previous vanilla relationships had similiar dynamics, but without the clarity of who decided)
Well, I think I have made enough of an idiot of myself infront of you, and thank you again for the time you all took to answer.
and I am sure you will understand my need for being discreet, as not to embarress him with such a posting...as he is an part of the bdsm community, and I am a newbie.
Yes, a label does not change much, and whatever the outcome of this relationship, it does not alter the way I tend to give to a man and then complain. Very,very un-attractive.
bye everyone.
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