What are you willing to do? (Full Version)

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LadyPact -> What are you willing to do? (12/17/2007 10:00:00 AM)

Little mini rant here, but still in the form of a question. 

The question is simple enough.  If there's an interest, desire, want, need for any of those wonderful little things that are under that BDSM umbrella, what are you actually willing to do to obtain it? 

The reason I ask this is because there seem to be a number of comments on the threads lately that are a lot about talk, or a person needing things to happen to them to be happy, but it's very rare that I notice what the person is actually willing to do to achieve their goal.  Whether it's complaining about fakes, or they are married, or they are too young, or whatever, it's seldom that they are actually doing anything.  Just for clarification, the word "do" is a verb.  It implies action.  It doesn't mean sit and wish for things to happen to you.

So, just for curiosity's sake, what are you willing to do?  Or, what have you done to be pro-active in putting BDSM in your life?

Maybe, this thread will get some answers that will be appropriate for LA to use as a link when these types of things are brought up week after week.



SubmissiveAK -> RE: What are you willing to do? (12/17/2007 10:06:21 AM)

I am willing to obey.

I am willing to obey even when I dont wish to. That is not easy, in fact I think its one of the hardest things... I am accustomed to being in control of my life. I only wish that I do find the one I trust on the level that I can be thier slave.

~submissiveAK~



KatyLied -> RE: What are you willing to do? (12/17/2007 10:07:43 AM)

I am willing to disclose, reveal, and be hopeful.  And yes, sometimes I am willing to be submissive.



SylvereApLeanan -> RE: What are you willing to do? (12/17/2007 10:24:38 AM)

Interesting question. 
 
In my case, I am willing to and have done the following:
 
* Look within myself to determine my needs and desires
* Educate myself on aspects of BDSM that interest me and/or my partners
* Invest in a small toy collection and learn to use those items responsibly
* Join this site and others like it
* Create a highly detailed profile and journal clearly stating my desires and expectations
* Expect interested parties to invest the time required to read both
* Expect interested parties to follow the simple instructions for initiating contact outlined therein
* Initiate and maintain contact with prospective candidates via email and IM
* Respond to contact from interested parties
* Participate in available fora so that candidates may gain greater insight into my thought processes
* Offer contact by telephone to particularly promising candidates
* Eventually meet candidates who appear to be the type of person I desire
* Avoid or terminate contact with candidates who do not meet my requirements or follow my instructions
 
I believe there is also a unspoken, reciprocal question here that is also important: 
 
What are you not willing to do?
 
In my case, I am not willing to put myself or my loved ones at risk.  Define risk in any way you like.  I am also not willing to inconvenience myself whether it is an inconvenience on my time or my finances.  This includes going out of my way to meet people, locally or otherwise, or outside my budget to purchase equipment.
 
Thank you for posting such an intriguing topic.  I look forward to seeing others' responses.
 



lockmeupplease -> RE: What are you willing to do? (12/17/2007 10:27:09 AM)

I have been willing to sift through hundreds of profiles, write dozens of letters, meet people who in the past I might not have considered meeting and told people things I never imagined I would tell anyone.



sexyred1 -> RE: What are you willing to do? (12/17/2007 10:30:12 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SylvereApLeanan

Interesting question. 
 
In my case, I am willing to and have done the following:
 
* Look within myself to determine my needs and desires
* Educate myself on aspects of BDSM that interest me and/or my partners
* Invest in a small toy collection and learn to use those items responsibly
* Join this site and others like it
* Create a highly detailed profile and journal clearly stating my desires and expectations
* Expect interested parties to invest the time required to read both
* Expect interested parties to follow the simple instructions for initiating contact outlined therein
* Initiate and maintain contact with prospective candidates via email and IM
* Respond to contact from interested parties
* Participate in available fora so that candidates may gain greater insight into my thought processes
* Offer contact by telephone to particularly promising candidates
* Eventually meet candidates who appear to be the type of person I desire
* Avoid or terminate contact with candidates who do not meet my requirements or follow my instructions
 
I believe there is also a unspoken, reciprocal question here that is also important: 
 
What are you not willing to do?
 
In my case, I am not willing to put myself or my loved ones at risk.  Define risk in any way you like.  I am also not willing to inconvenience myself whether it is an inconvenience on my time or my finances.  This includes going out of my way to meet people, locally or otherwise, or outside my budget to purchase equipment.
 
Thank you for posting such an intriguing topic.  I look forward to seeing others' responses.
 


Agreed. Could not have said any better myself.



RCdc -> RE: What are you willing to do? (12/17/2007 10:34:22 AM)

I submit.
I think outside the box.
I saw the bigger picture.
I moved across the country.
I compromise but never settle.
I do what I may not want to do as well as the things I love.
 
the.dark.



Kalista07 -> RE: What are you willing to do? (12/17/2007 10:37:22 AM)

i do what i do in most areas of my life when i have a desire or an unmet need..First i commit to doing something about it....Then i develop the willingness to go to any length to accomplish it...Whether that means meeting lots of men who turn out to be women, or frogs, or losers...Or whether it means risking everything i have and everything i am to enter into that one special, right relationship.....The key for me in most areas of my life is action...
Kali



AAkasha -> RE: What are you willing to do? (12/17/2007 10:41:43 AM)

Sometimes it doesn't really even make sense.  "What are you willing to do?"  - A submissive man states he is "willing to do anything" for a chance, but doesn't read a profile, fill out his own, find a recent, tasteful picture to send? What does this say about his willingness to do anything later?

What is astonishing is the laziness. I am not sure if some submissive men are just intimidated, or they feel that in their fantasy world, the femdom makes the effort and does the pursuing, and all he needs to do is be available prey. Or, maybe some are just inexperienced.  But making an effort includes asking questions (not just waiting to be asked, or saying, "I will tell you anything you want, here is my IM address."

Akasha



Dnomyar -> RE: What are you willing to do? (12/17/2007 10:47:56 AM)

I am willing to listen and pay attention what I hear.  Even tho I clown around on here I always pay very close attention to what is being said. As some of you know if I don't understand what you are trying to say I will write and ask you. I may seem blunt at times but that is just me. Why write a book when you can get to the point with a few words.
 



BitaTruble -> RE: What are you willing to do? (12/17/2007 10:48:28 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Little mini rant here, but still in the form of a question. 

The question is simple enough.  If there's an interest, desire, want, need for any of those wonderful little things that are under that BDSM umbrella, what are you actually willing to do to obtain it? 




It really depends on the wonderful little thing! Sometimes I'll be willing to ask for it. Sometimes I'll be willing to work for it and sometimes I'm fine doing without it. There are also those times when I just feel it should be given to me without me having to do anything at all for it. I mean, I appreciate things more when I have to work for them, but hell, every once in a while, a freebie is nice, too ... hair pulls come to mind. [;)]

Celeste



toservez -> RE: What are you willing to do? (12/17/2007 10:56:37 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: lockmeupplease

I have been willing to sift through hundreds of profiles, write dozens of letters, meet people who in the past I might not have considered meeting and told people things I never imagined I would tell anyone.


I liked this one!

I was willing to move to another state where I knew no one.
I was willing to not be bothered by and consider the effort and time spent on dead ends regardless of the reasons and other time consuming things to be part of the price I accepted to find my Master.
I was willing to spend a great deal of money on travel expenses to ensure enough real time with my Master to make as much as one can a solid decision and not one just based on hope.
I was willing to start from the beginning and not expect my new Master to step in right where I have left off.
I was willing to accept and understand my Master would not be perfect or had to sweep me off my feet.
I was willing to be patient.



BondageSlaveMN -> RE: What are you willing to do? (12/17/2007 11:02:55 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Little mini rant here, but still in the form of a question. 

The question is simple enough.  If there's an interest, desire, want, need for any of those wonderful little things that are under that BDSM umbrella, what are you actually willing to do to obtain it? 

The reason I ask this is because there seem to be a number of comments on the threads lately that are a lot about talk, or a person needing things to happen to them to be happy, but it's very rare that I notice what the person is actually willing to do to achieve their goal.  Whether it's complaining about fakes, or they are married, or they are too young, or whatever, it's seldom that they are actually doing anything.  Just for clarification, the word "do" is a verb.  It implies action.  It doesn't mean sit and wish for things to happen to you.

So, just for curiosity's sake, what are you willing to do?  Or, what have you done to be pro-active in putting BDSM in your life?

Maybe, this thread will get some answers that will be appropriate for LA to use as a link when these types of things are brought up week after week.



Words are easy to say but difficult to be true to. Many people have ideas about what they want, but in reality, it's really just a fantasy; something they like to think about but not do. Perhaps some folks come here seeking an outlet for these fantasies and perhaps they find such a sanctuary.

Personally, I have sent messages, replies to messages and sought in real relationships the things which fullfill my BDSM desires. I have limits as to how far I'm willing to go. When it comes down to it, BDSM is a desire of mine, not a need.



canupleaseme -> RE: What are you willing to do? (12/17/2007 11:11:12 AM)

Im willing to be honest to myself and not compromise on important things.  I am willing to try my best to make new friends.  I am willing and determined to study anything I want to do to my boy in great depth so that i know I do it properly and safetly.  I am willing to support my boy on everyway possible to keep him healthy and safe and happy and cherished even if sometimes I dont feel like it or want to do it.  I am willing to be open minded nad try most things at least once.  I am willing to laugh at myself when things go wrong. I am willing to start going to classes and workshops very soon.  Really I am willing to do whatever I need to to keep what i have right now happy and healthy and ever evolving [:)]



peppermint -> RE: What are you willing to do? (12/17/2007 11:21:01 AM)

quote:

Or, what have you done to be pro-active in putting BDSM in your life?


I stayed with my search even though it took years to locate the real BDSM community.  Once i'd made some friends who really did do this stuff i got on a train and traveled 6 hours so i could go with them to my very first munch.  For years i'd known about a BDSM kinky campout that was within a couple hours of my home, so once i was able to be involved with BDSM i registered for that campout even though i didn't know a soul who was attending. There i met a special Dom from out of state.  We chatted on the phone for several months before we were able to get back together for a few weeks.  I learned what he needed to keep him happy.  He discoved what made me happy.  Several months later i quit my job, got on a plane, and moved to AZ to be with my snowbird Dom. 



takenbyjohnr07 -> RE: What are you willing to do? (12/17/2007 11:43:50 AM)

i am willing to be myself and to not compromise my principles and beliefs. i am willing to follow my heart, be kind, generous and loving and hope that people that i come in contact with benefit from it.



DesFIP -> RE: What are you willing to do? (12/17/2007 12:25:56 PM)

I figured out what characteristics I needed in a dominant and which ones I cannot abide and I did not waste time, either theirs or mine, with people I was not compatible with.



aidan -> RE: What are you willing to do? (12/17/2007 12:32:00 PM)

I'm willing to come to places like collarme and establish connections, exchange ideas, and educate myself about my chosen subculture.

I do my best to be involved in real-life events and clubs whenever I have the opportunity, despite geography and income being against me, and I work actively to relocate to a location where these things are easier.

I try to find local partners to play with and even start a long-term relationship, though I'll admit this is a backseat because of the above.

In short, I'm willing to do what I can to be involved and fulfill my own emotional and sexual needs while not sacrificing other important aspects of my life, like education and stability of living.



KindLadyGrey -> RE: What are you willing to do? (12/17/2007 12:32:35 PM)

You know, I think this little mini-rant is the reason I rarely reply to threads like that. I just end up thinking "Well, I don't have that problem, so I guess I must not understand."

To start, I have a lot of roadblocks to BDSM in my life. I'm married, and my husband is mostly vanilla, though fortunately interested in exploring. We are polyamorous, but have some courtesy agreements in place about other lovers that limit things like inviting my playmates over whenever I please. I also have family priorities, because we have a toddler and another baby on the way in January. For the past three years I have either been pregnant or suffering from post-partum complications, so my health, both mental and physical, has not been the best. We depend on family to watch our children when we go out together, as we can almost never afford an actual babysitter, so if one of us wants to go out for the evening, we end up leaving the other with the kids, which is fine sometimes, but rude to take advantage of. Last but not least, when I am not on maternity leave, I often work on evenings and weekends, which further limits my playtime.

You think it's hard to get into the groove of a BDSM lifestyle when you are single and lonely? Try doing it with two young kids! Listening to single folk complain about their roadblocks makes me shake my head.

So it seems there are two kind of roadblocks to get past for most people looking to make BDSM a real part of their lives, pragmatic blocks and personal blocks.

THINGS I DO TO GET PAST PRAGMATIC BLOCKS
1) Prioritize. How important is being involved in this lifestyle? Is it more important than watching TV for 3 hours a day? Is it more important than going drinking with your buddies every weekend? Is it more important than some of your other hobbies? In my case, it is not more important than my family and close friends, but I do prioritize it over other things. If you really want something, you will make time for it. "I just don't have time" is ALWAYS a lie. What it actually means is "Other things are just more important."

2) Communicate. Every single one of my playmates and lovers knows what my priorities are. They know they can't come over and spend the night whenever they want, and they know I am almost never available at the last minute since I have to find childcare for my kids. This limits me. Some people just aren't mature enough to deal with someone who has adult responsibilities and some are just uncomfortable with the constant reminder that I am a wife and mother. Ultimately, these people would not be good lovers for me anyway, even if it is sad that they pull disappearing acts.

3) Manage your time well. If you are an internet addict like me, it may help you to make friends in the lifestyle by writing long ranty forum replies and hanging out in the chatrooms on CM. But is that really the best way to get involved? Probably not. If your time for such things is limited, you are probably better served by going to munches (social meetings) with your local kink group and trying to do some real social networking at least once or twice a month. If you have time to go out to a movie with your friends once or twice a month, then you have time to go to a munch with some kinky folk too.

4) Learn ye the art of social networking! If you really suck at all things social, there are self-help books on this. Most people have the basic intelligence to grasp the concept that PEOPLE know OTHER PEOPLE. Not hitting it off romantically with any of the regulars in your local BDSM club? I guarantee each of them knows three other kinky people who don't come to meetings for some reason or another. Make friends and get yourself invited to vanilla social occasions. Kinky folk often have friends who are also kinky. Besides just kinky stuff, social networking can also help you with things like finding a good job or someone to watch your cat while you're on vacation. Worst case scenario, you meet some new people and have a little fun, even if you don't, ultimately, find a partner or playmate.

THINGS I DO TO GET PAST PERSONAL BLOCKS
1) Have self esteem. Some of you read the thing about social networking above and broke out into hives as a dozen excuses flooded into your head. "But I'm not good at being social!" "I'm an introvert." "I'm socially anxious." "I'm not attractive enough to attract a partner in person." Frankly, this sort of crap is going to limit you your entire life if you let it, and not just in the BDSM world. Soooo. . . .

2) Take some chances. I used to be a socially awkward introvert. No really, it's true. I had one friend and all of my hobbies were solitary ones. I was also very lonely and bitter, but I would tell myself that people were stupid and hurtful and not worth my time, or make up some other excuse for not getting out and making friends. Rejection is one of those things that is scary to think about, but actually mostly harmless. Say you like a girl. You start without that girl. You get up the courage to ask her out and she says no. You end up in the same exact place. You are no worse off. You still don't have a date. That certainly sucks, but being rejected really only has psychological consequences, and if you have enough self confidence to handle those, then you, my friend, have great power over your life. Fear will stop you from doing a lot to move forward. So the thought of going to a munch is terrifying. Do it anyway. A bunch of people you just met invited you to a party. GO. At the party, an imposing lady in really hot boots asks you if you'd like a spanking. Say "Yes ma'am." Use fear as a guide for the things you SHOULD do. If it frightens you, do it. (Unless it is likely to result in your incarceration, death, or real injury, duh) Eventually, the power that fear has over your life in general will diminish and a lot of doors will open.

3) Be awesome. Forget about other people for a minute. Are you awesome? Do you take good care of yourself, both physically and mentally? Are you passionate about your job and your hobbies? Do you love your life? Are you a positive person? If you answered yes to most of those questions, people will know it and want to be around you (regardless of what you look like or how much money you make). If you think you are a loser and your life depresses you, you're going to have to work on that. Try Jesus. Try Buddha. Try going back to school. Try a new hobby you've always been curious about. Quit the job that makes you terribly miserable. Have a few things in your life that make it worthwhile just for you. If you want to attract awesome people, you have to start by being awesome. This doesn't mean doing things to try to win the approval of others, it means making yourself happy.

4) Stop making excuses. Stop believing your own excuses. An excuse is just a problem to be solved, not the end of the road.

5) Find a good therapist, specifically one who is kink friendly. There's a list of these online, but you can also find out if a therapist is comfortable with kinky patients with a phone call. Mine isn't on the KFP list, but she is very accepting of my lifestyle. You aren't reading this thread looking for advice because you are happy and fulfilled. You're reading it because you are lonely and you feel like something is missing from your life. You might think BDSM is that thing, but it isn't. Even if it is ONE of the things that's missing, there are plenty of feelings worth exploring that may lead you to other insights about your life and how to make it better. This actually falls into the category above of "be awesome." A good therapist can help you explore and accept yourself, which helps you to get control of the desperation and depression that scares people away. Not everyone reading this thread needs a therapist, but a lot of people could really benefit from therapy.

One last category: HOW TO STOP WORRYING AND <3 TEH INTERNETS.

First, real life should always be your primary vehicle of bringing BDSM into your life. Prioritize that.

That said, the internet (AKA teh internets!) can be an excellent way to supplement your social networking and learn new things about the BDSM lifestyle. Not to mention it's an infinite supply of porn! Yay porn!

The internet is also a different society all together. Learn to view it as a foreign culture and you will get along much better. The internet is a place where people can be who they want to be, instead of who they really are. Even the best and most honest of us are guilty of this. Here on CM, I don't present myself as a frazzled unshowered mommy running around in an ugly house dress covered in peanut butter. But guess what? That's what I am today. Sexy, right?

Some people take this to a different extreme altogether and pretend to have a lot more experience than they really do, or they indulge in their fantasy on the internet but chicken out when you try to meet them in real life. People bitch about this shit on the forums ALL THE TIME. They spend a lot of time being upset about it.

Hey, that's the internet. It's one of the hazards of hanging out here. Are you totally shocked if you go to a farm and step in cow manure in the barn? Of course not. It sucks, but it's practically expected, and you wipe it off and move on and it doesn't ruin your day. Why are people STILL shocked that idiots hang out on the internet? Wipe them off your shoe and get on with your day!

The signal/noise ratio is much much lower in real life. That's why I advise everyone to prioritize real life socializing over internet socializing.



MasterFireMaam -> RE: What are you willing to do? (12/17/2007 12:38:55 PM)

I have been learning about myself, becoming more enlightened and surrendering the path of my Master to the Universe.

I have had the honor of having one of my teachers say some time ago:

"Ask yourself three questions.
1) Who are you?
2) What do you want?
3) What are you willing to do to get it?

Answering 2 and 3 will often, but not always, lead to the answer of 1."

What most people don't realize, however, is that we are often asked to give what does not serve us. This means giving up negative beliefs about ourself, giving up self-loathing, giving up self-contempt. Most people assume we are being asked to give up all that is positive about our lives. We are not.

Master Fire



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