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Shutting down when chastised - 12/17/2007 11:11:02 PM

LittleWench

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Very recently my Sir chastised me for a smart arse comment I made. After that I shut down. I only responded when he spoke directly to me, and then I spoke politely and briefly. I was afraid to open my mouth, not out of fear of reprisal, but because I didn't think I would control my tongue and I would say something that upset him further. I had obeyed him by curtailing my attitude but he was then obviously unhappy because I had closed down so much. It wasn't a pout, I wasn't feeling petulant or wishing to punish him in return, I just didn't know what to do, didn't know how to process what I was feeling, so in the absence of knowing the right thing to do, I did nothing.

How do you deal with being chastised? How do you incorporate that and then move onto the next moment without dwelling on it? To my mind, ideally, I should have listened, apologised and that should have been the end of it, the both of us able to move on. But it didn't happen that way. Any tips for being able to take it in your stride?

Post #: 1

RE: Shutting down when chastised - 12/17/2007 11:33:17 PM

LivingInSin

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Joined: 6/12/2007
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well seeing as how i did the same thing recently (though only with a friend)....the best thing i could figue out what to do is just kind of put it in the back of your mind until you can take the time to exaime it....you know...why you said what you said....why you feel the way you do now...etc.
on a persoanly note on sarcasam...ummmmm dont? *shrugs* i got in the habit of asking if im allowed to be a smart ass. saves me alot of grief......course i forgot that in the afore mentioned incident!

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RE: Shutting down when chastised - 12/17/2007 11:34:14 PM

GoddessTeaze

Posts: 1125
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: The Netherlands
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Apperently it was a good move from your Master,
because you stopped your mood.
I believe this has been a big mindfuck for you.
And that's why you responded the way you did.

Live and learn hon, you'll grow into this!

Warm Greetingz

GoddezzT`

_____________________________

~* The only disability in life is a bad attitude. ~Scott Hamilton*~

~*Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart. ~Kahlil Gibran*~

(in reply to LittleWench)

Post #: 3

RE: Shutting down when chastised - 12/17/2007 11:34:26 PM

txnights05

Posts: 51
Joined: 7/12/2005
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quote:

It wasn't a pout, I wasn't feeling petulant or wishing to punish him in return, I just didn't know what to do, didn't know how to process what I was feeling, so in the absence of knowing the right thing to do, I did nothing.

I respond much the same way to being chastised, and feel exactly this way. I have ever since i was a child actually. My parents referred to it as my brick wall... but it isn't that at all. It may not be the same as you are describing but to me it feels like an intense emotional submission. Speech becomes very difficult or impossible and i feel like i am in wait mode. I don't respond because i do not know what is expected of me at that time and i just go blank. I usually need some time alone to process and then i can go back and apologize, discuss if necessary and go on.

(in reply to LittleWench)

Post #: 4

RE: Shutting down when chastised - 12/17/2007 11:45:08 PM

MissChaos

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Joined: 11/30/2007
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Challenge him to a duel at dawn. That generally helps most things in life.

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RE: Shutting down when chastised - 12/18/2007 1:25:36 AM

LittleWench

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Joined: 11/27/2007
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LOL Miss Chaos!

Normally my smart arse self is fine, he doesn't wish to curtail who I am, and that is part of me, its my sense of humour more than anything else. I was in a mood so it came out snottier than I wished, and he was in a mood so he received it poorly. It has, however, happened before. We butt heads, he tells me to stop, so I shut down, I stop everything. I don't respond well to being treated like a child. When he admonishes me with humour, yhe does it with no less determination than when he is angry, but with a calm, wry sense I am able to take his order and process it it, move on quickly, and I appreciate that tremendously. To me it shows patience. It's when he berates me as he would a child.

I feel though, if I encourage him to chastise me in a manner that I respond well to that I am topping him. It is his right to chastise me in any manner he sees fit, I am just struggling with the negative reinforcement, as opposed to when he uses positive reinforcement.

(in reply to MissChaos)

Post #: 6

RE: Shutting down when chastised - 12/18/2007 2:09:38 AM

angelslave77

Posts: 478
Joined: 5/14/2007
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I would suggest talking to him about it, it may seem fairly small now but over time I think an issue like that has the potential to become much larger.

(in reply to LittleWench)

Post #: 7

RE: Shutting down when chastised - 12/18/2007 2:41:49 AM

batshalom

Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LittleWench

We butt heads, he tells me to stop, so I shut down, I stop everything. I don't respond well to being treated like a child. When he admonishes me with humour, yhe does it with no less determination than when he is angry, but with a calm, wry sense I am able to take his order and process it it, move on quickly, and I appreciate that tremendously. To me it shows patience. It's when he berates me as he would a child.

You are cognizant of when you shut down and why. You want him to admonish you only in a certain way. This, I am sorry to say, is a power struggle. You say it's not a pout but it seems, from your own words, that it is a pout exactly. You point out that when he chastises with humor you appreciate his patience and move on. When he's being serious, though, it hurts your feelings and you fight back in a passive manner.

I'm not saying to suck it up if it bothers you so much that it will become a negative drag on your emotional, physical or mental health; I'm saying stop being passive aggressive, move along, and later (when everyone is in a good mood again) explain yourself to him. It won't end the mal behavior on either side but at least it's in the open, it's respectful, and you can let go of your need to control the way he chastises you.

(in reply to LittleWench)

Post #: 8

RE: Shutting down when chastised - 12/18/2007 2:52:18 AM

LittleWench

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Joined: 11/27/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: batshalom

You are cognizant of when you shut down and why. You want him to admonish you only in a certain way. This, I am sorry to say, is a power struggle. You say it's not a pout but it seems, from your own words, that it is a pout exactly. You point out that when he chastises with humor you appreciate his patience and move on. When he's being serious, though, it hurts your feelings and you fight back in a passive manner.

Thankyou batshalom. It think it is different to a pout, although I can see how it reads as a pout, and I can also see how it would appear that it is a pout and it is I that is not seeing it as such.

The thought process when I shut down is not "well you treated me like a naughty girl so I am going to sulk now", it is "this isn't what I am used to, I am wayyyyy out of my comfort zone, I don't know what to do now." Part of it is knowing that I have pushed his buttons hard enough that he has switched from firm to fatherly, so it's self disappointment that I am processing. My natural instinct is to argue back, so when I am told I am not to express that, I don't know what to do.

Even if after that explanation it still appears that I am passively aggressively trying to control him, I certainly don't mean to be. I don't want to control him. I do prefer he use positive reinforcement for chastisement, but he doesn't always and I have to deal with that, I have to figure out how to make that work for us both... which is why I am here looking for advice.

(in reply to batshalom)

Post #: 9

RE: Shutting down when chastised - 12/18/2007 2:59:43 AM

takenbyjohnr07

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i don't shut down as of yet, but when he tells me that i better behave i immediately close my mouth and move on.

i think though what you're feeling is quite normal and i have shut down with other people in the vanilla world a time or two.

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i am the sole property of Johnr. He is the love of my life and the greatest Owner and i will live to serve and, please him only every day of my life.

(in reply to LittleWench)

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RE: Shutting down when chastised - 12/18/2007 3:45:04 AM

wisteriaV

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Hmm I'd be more courious as to how he chastised you. I have found that Master can chastise me in a way that opens for deeper communication...wisty, why did that tone of voice come from you just now? At times he has come out and point blank told me lilgirl that tone of voice isnt flying right now so change it. The first makes me stop and think and evaluate where my headspace is at, while the second shuts me down like a cave in at a mine and I become withdrawn ect...I still go about what needs to be done, but I am soo thankful Master can't read my mind at times.....

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Every story has two sides , much like a coin and neither one is totally perfect.
If it doesn't float your boat, then don't get in the water~!

(in reply to takenbyjohnr07)

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RE: Shutting down when chastised - 12/18/2007 4:01:45 AM

batshalom

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Wisty's post hits it on the head, si.

Move about your business and be glad he can't read your mind. Relationships and relating to others isn't static - we all have buttons in the D/s dynamic and in vanilla life. If there is a specific thing he does that absolutely makes you want to rip out clumps of your own hair, wait until you both cool off and then mention it without emotion. He does need this information so that he can better guide you.

(in reply to wisteriaV)

Post #: 12

RE: Shutting down when chastised - 12/18/2007 4:18:26 AM

LittleWench

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Joined: 11/27/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: wisteriaV

Hmm I'd be more courious as to how he chastised you. I have found that Master can chastise me in a way that opens for deeper communication...wisty, why did that tone of voice come from you just now? At times he has come out and point blank told me lilgirl that tone of voice isnt flying right now so change it. The first makes me stop and think and evaluate where my headspace is at, while the second shuts me down like a cave in at a mine and I become withdrawn ect...I still go about what needs to be done, but I am soo thankful Master can't read my mind at times.....

That's what is happening here. The first way he does it, what I call his light humorous approach, is calm, delivered without a certain sense of separation, he is not reacting emotionally, he is merely chiding me and reminding me of my place, often with a light but determined tone. He is no less serious or dominant, he is just not angry.

The second, well these aren't his words, but imagine something along the lines of... "I worked all day and looked forward to coming home to see you and when I get home what do I get, this! I don't have to put up with this! I will not tolerate your attitude young lady." etc. It's a true old school parental berating. He only berates me like this when I have really upset him and he chastises in the moment, expressing the rawness of his displeasure.

It doesn't take me too long to get out of my funk, although it takes longer if he requires my presence rather than if I am allowed to go away and cool off. Perhaps the best solution is simply to ask to be dismissed for a little while.

(in reply to wisteriaV)

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RE: Shutting down when chastised - 12/18/2007 5:39:53 AM

twistedkytten

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I have the same issue from time to time... my humor is such that it sometimes is overboard... or unappropriate.. and sometimes.. i "forget myself"... though Master usually warns me with the "eyebrow lift"

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RE: Shutting down when chastised - 12/18/2007 7:52:12 AM

chellekitty

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ok i know this advice sucks but, talk to him...you've had a chance to get it out in words why it bothers you so much, correct me if i am wrong, but it is because you feel like you are being treated like a child...and it obviously bothers you...and i don't agree with the people that said just let it go because you said in your OP that he was obviously unhappy with your shutting down....the only solution...you gotta talk to him....let him know how you are feeling and why you are feeling that way....but thats as far as you can take it, as i am sure you know...people, not just Dominants, don't do well when you demand they respond to your feelings...

my two cents on the subject...
chelle

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One thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve. ~Albert Schweitzer

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RE: Shutting down when chastised - 12/18/2007 8:01:54 AM

liminalRapture

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Joined: 9/6/2007
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I had a similar experience with my ex. I made a joke (not at his expense or anything and he hadn't told me to be quiet) and he told me to shut up and slapped me across the face. I didn't just shut down for an evening. I shut down permanently with him. And I walked around with the imprint of his palm against my face for several months. It made me feel worthless and unlovable (a huge thing for me).

I'm sure most people would say I over-reacted (but when we met face-slapping had been a hard limit and I learned to tolerate it in small, gentle ways, but this was just shocking to me). It was just me. Who I am. It wasn't a pout. It wasn't acting out. I felt betrayed. Not betrayed enough to stop it, but betrayed enough that I emotionally fled and just lay there and couldn't handle that at all.

I don't think you pouted. I think you handled it the best you could and he needs to know that certain things invoke certain responses. Maybe you can learn to change those responses but don't give yourself a hard time about them!

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"Ring the bells that can still ring. Forget your perfect offering. There's a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in." Leonard Cohen.

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RE: Shutting down when chastised - 12/18/2007 8:04:44 AM

porkchop

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If I were to be "chastised", I'd become defensive and it'd just get ugly.

Fortunately for me, Sir tends to give "corrections" during which he points out my [mis]behavior then suggests a better way of going about it. Once I hear him out, I have an opportunity to talk. Handling it that way rarely causes me to feel the need to become defensive (but I might get a little teary because being called on behaviorish things is hard for me; no one's ever done that before).

(in reply to chellekitty)

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RE: Shutting down when chastised - 12/18/2007 8:07:30 AM

Tigrita

Posts: 484
Joined: 8/16/2007
From: California
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LittleWench
When he admonishes me with humour, yhe does it with no less determination than when he is angry, but with a calm, wry sense I am able to take his order and process it it, move on quickly, and I appreciate that tremendously. To me it shows patience. It's when he berates me as he would a child.

I feel though, if I encourage him to chastise me in a manner that I respond well to that I am topping him. It is his right to chastise me in any manner he sees fit, I am just struggling with the negative reinforcement, as opposed to when he uses positive reinforcement.

It is not topping from the bottom to give him information about yourself that will help him get the results he wants from you. It would be topping from the bottom to not do so. So talk to him and let him know that if he wants you to be able to recover quickly and productively from behavior corrections, that happens best when he is lighthearted. He still has the right to ignore this and use whatever corrective methods he chooses, to be harsh if he wants, and face training you to respond differently if he doesn't like your reactions, but with more information and more understanding of you, it will make it easier and more predictable for him to lead you in the direction he wants.

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~ Tigrita

There is no right path, only the path you take.

Success is making life happen, versus just letting life happen to you.

"Many of the things I enjoy, I enjoy because I don't enjoy them." - Charlotte

(in reply to LittleWench)

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RE: Shutting down when chastised - 12/18/2007 8:13:27 AM

DesFIP

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From: Apple County NY
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First off, stop telling yourself that you should or shouldn't have these feelings. Feelings just are.

And secondly, you have to tell him what's going on because it isn't topping from the bottom, it's important information. If he doesn't recognize himself that using humor or putting his hand over your mouth gently gets the response he wants without you being afraid to talk to him, then you need to tell him.

Otherwise you will shut down more and more, as a pre-emptive strike as it were to prevent being treated this way. I shut down for days if my emotional triggers are hit. I respond better to gentle physical stuff than verbal chastisement and I know I wouldn't ever handle face slapping.

But much of this is his fault, he was in a bad mood and took it out on you. He was out of control of himself and therefore could not be in control of you. He could have prevented all of this by simply telling you he had a bad day instead of expecting you to be a mind reader.

The Man will lay a finger across my lips, or sometimes just put his hand across. I may respond by licking his hand but I also stop talking in a way he isn't in the mood for. Oddly enough, being held or hugged is also very helpful because then my bad mood as well as his lessens. It is when we act most unlovable that we need it the most.

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RE: Shutting down when chastised - 12/18/2007 11:03:04 AM

wisteriaV

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Joined: 3/17/2005
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I have tried this today (in response to Master waking up like King Kong with his hemmroids flairing up and no medication for them and I thought he overracted to me not hanging his bath towel a certain way( he is not normally like this) ). I hugged him and said I'm sorry I failed you, please forgive me for not being more considerate of the finer details that I know you appreciate. (In my mind I was saying ohh for heavens sake its nothing you've ripped on me before put on your big boy panites and get over it.) It made him instantly stop and hug me back saying it was ok and he did not sleep well...point for the slave girl!

_____________________________

Every story has two sides , much like a coin and neither one is totally perfect.
If it doesn't float your boat, then don't get in the water~!

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 20

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