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thebeastiegirl -> Strangers in my face (12/18/2007 7:51:55 AM)
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Just wondering if any other subs or slaves have experienced this. At a group campout play party, just as i was slipping into subspace, blindfolded as i usually am for public play, Master abruptly stopped flogging me and tied some chick W/we had just met a couple of hours earlier to the opposite side of the cross, so that her face was right in mine. i am not bi (though i try to participate enthusiastically in scenes where He chooses to include other women.) He knows from O/our discussions about past scenes that during intense play i feel a sense of panic if He leaves the room without warning during heavy play, and also that i become hyper-sensitive to His and O/others' energy/aura/intentions/whatever you want to call it.
When He has included O/others i know and trust in O/our play, it has been a great time for all. And i'm happy to have anyone flog or whip or slap or paddle me when He chooses to share my bottom with Others. W/we are both exhibitionists; i very much enjoy other people nearby watching (or playing in the same room) as long as they aren't engaging in loud conversation or otherwise distracting U/us. However, when someone i am not comfortable with gets too close to me during play - especially if they are invading the space around my head or face - it has been very traumatic for me.
A few more bits of background info: i am fairly new to the scene (about a year) but i am considered a heavy bottom (painslut.) In subspace, my verbal skills become limited to the point that i often cannot manage more than a yes or no response. In that headspace, even the cognitive skills required to think about whether i need a drink of water feels like a monumental effort, because it's a departure from my focus on Him.
When He resumed flogging, He was now stopping at short intervals to flog this stranger for a couple of strokes too, so i couldn't focus on the rhythm of the flogger. She kept talking and breathing on my face. i considered biting her, but it wasn't really her fault she was there and i did not want to harm her, just wanted the space around me to be clear so i could re-connect with Master. It was disturbing, and i began to panic but still kept hoping He would ask something, anything, that would give me a chance to let Him know i was in distress. He did not. i felt like i was being punished for something i hadn't done, and in my head i was silently screaming, "why? why? why?"
Finally, i was unable to cope anymore (and safewords did not even exist for me by then,) i just gave up hope and withdrew to someplace within myself. i think i was almost catatonic. He started flogging me very hard, trying to get me to respond again (later said He thought i was just being stubborn.) i could hear the impact, but could not really feel it - i noticed i did not feel anything anymore - i pull against the shackles holding my wrists above me, but i could not feel them biting into my skin. How curious. The talking and breathing on me continued but it wasn't real to me anymore. i felt like a casual outside observer, watching myself wonder about this new state of being as if watching it all on a movie. i recall thinking that if i had not been feeling such despair over what i perceived as emotional abandonment, what i was experiencing might have felt like a very deep meditative state.
Meanwhile, Master was frustrated by my lack of response, assumed i was just misbehaving, stopped the scene and took me down off the cross. Still blindfolded, He had me sit on the floor next to a wooden bench where He put me while He walked away again and did something else. i wished He would return and help me find my way back to Him, but i just sat very still and waited - the separation anxiety i always felt in similar circumstances (if He had broken contact and stepped out of the room without preparing me for that) was not as intense. This time, all i could manage was a mild curiosity about where He had gone - i was really more fascinated by my new, odd state of being, and even though i desperately wanted Him to let me rest my head on His lap, i was angry with Him for putting me through that ordeal, and for no apparent reason.
When He finally did come back and sit down on the bench, He removed the blindfold and the light was intolerable - my only thought at that point was that i needed to shield myself from the light. i tried to make myself as small as possible, curled up in a fetal ball with my head under the bench, between His legs. Later, He said at that point He was ordering me to get my head out from under the bench and sit up, but the light was so loud i didn't hear anything (i know that sounds weird, but it was like my ears were full of water rushing when He took off the blindfold) and still could not feel anything, nor did i even want to anymore. Somehow He pried me out from under the bench and i ended up sitting cross-legged, eyes shut tight, in front of a big wooden post holding up the roof of the raised pavilion W/we were on. Again, through that bizarre "outside observer" fog, i recall wondering whether i would be able to feel anything, and banged my forehead really hard against the post a couple of times out of curiosity. (This actually seemed a logical course of action to me at the time!)
Master was very angry. He thought i was doing all this to embarrass Him, so He took me back to our campsite to isolate me. i don't remember much else until i started crashing. i was upset and angry and sobbing and couldn't sleep and kept demanding to know why He had done that to me. This phase was really horrible - for the first time in my life, i felt i understood why people jump off bridges. i felt hurt and needy and resentful and betrayed and just about any other negative emotion you could name, and i never, ever want to feel that way again.
i am normally a very competent and rational person, no history of mental illness, and haven't had anything like this happen before or since, but i do still have some apprehension about public play whenever i sense someone is getting too close to me. Rather than de-sensitizing me to strangers touching me (which is what He later said He was trying to accomplish by tying her to the other side of cross) it has had the opposite effect.
After long discussions about this failed scene, i've learned to form at least a couple of words when something isn't working for me, and He has been more careful to check in and ask questions periodically, also to initiate a scene only when He is certain He can stay with me throughout the scene and aftercare. So i'm not here to complain or ask for suggestions about how to get my needs met - just would like to know if anyone else here has taken a similar wrong turn in subspace and ended up disassociated from reality. Thanks!
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