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Difficulties for Trans people - 8/18/2005 11:01:29 PM   
lupinesub


Posts: 17
Joined: 9/14/2004
From: Austin
Status: offline 		So... I don't know how many other trans people there are in the community. I'm curious as to whether or not others have had an incredibly hard time finding play partners/Dominant/sub/etc.

I'm a pre-op transman sub, and it seems like this combination is way out there or something lol. Most Dominants are looking for a male or female and if they are into trans people they are generally looking for a trans woman. But from what I've read trans women have a very hard time as well.

I'm just trying to figure out what I have to do to put myself out there in a way that people find me appealing and can look past the trans label.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Difficulties for Trans people - 8/18/2005 11:05:15 PM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lupinesub
I'm just trying to figure out what I have to do to put myself out there in a way that people find me appealing and can look past the trans label.

The same way and only way it works for everyone- be yourself.

Yes its likely to be more difficult for you as transfolk are a smaller sub section and fairly unknown and misunderstood in the scene at large, but there is a definite presence.

(in reply to lupinesub)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Difficulties for Trans people - 8/19/2005 2:46:52 AM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		I immagine that it must indeed be difficult. However I know some who wouldnt give a dam as long as you both clicked. I have a couple of friends (not into the lifestyle) who are pre-opp and they are the most amazing people.. On a personal note, I would have no problems with a pre-op as a play partner when the ossasion was there...

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Difficulties for Trans people - 8/19/2005 12:15:13 PM   
night101owl


Posts: 83
Joined: 8/15/2005
Status: offline 		Part of your trouble may be in where you live! But even in Georgia, genderqueer bois are pretty popular-- and I know, not the same thing at all, but sexual orientation in these circles can be fairly fluid, when it comes to stuff like this.

Have you checked out any leathermen bars or social groups? I don't expect it to be easy, but if you're honest and enthusiastic, and willing to earn your reputation, you can probably make some friends. The right guy might not know that he's looking for you until you've shown him how well you can shine his boots.

Good luck!


(in reply to lupinesub)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Difficulties for Trans people - 8/19/2005 12:33:56 PM   
ragdoll


Posts: 231
Joined: 5/20/2005
From: New England
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lupinesub

So... I don't know how many other trans people there are in the community. I'm curious as to whether or not others have had an incredibly hard time finding play partners/Dominant/sub/etc.

I'm a pre-op transman sub, and it seems like this combination is way out there or something lol. Most Dominants are looking for a male or female and if they are into trans people they are generally looking for a trans woman. But from what I've read trans women have a very hard time as well.

I'm just trying to figure out what I have to do to put myself out there in a way that people find me appealing and can look past the trans label.


i was good friends with, and briefly dated a trans person who was FTM. ~ But it didn't work out mostly because he was more interested in men or other FTMs than women, which was okay! Him and i still talk (on very rare occasions) to catch up sometimes...

not that it helps you ~ i don't know if it's easier in the vanilla world than it is here...? Probably it depends on where your looking and how open you are to different things. ~ i can see Emerald, IronBear and night101owl gave some helpful advice too.

i guess i just wanted to say, don't give up! There is someone out there for everyone! ^_^

(in reply to lupinesub)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Difficulties for Trans people - 8/19/2005 1:21:48 PM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

I don't know how many other trans people there are in the community. I'm curious as to whether or not others have had an incredibly hard time finding play partners/Dominant/sub/etc.


I live in Southern California. There are a lot of pre op and post op trans out here.
It isn’t very hard from what I see to find a partner. I know of three post ops who are married right now.

Although, there is a lot of prejudice out there. Location may be key? I’m not sure. I know I imagine the Midwest as being less open to it than the west coast.

Good luck on your endeavors.

(in reply to lupinesub)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Difficulties for Trans people - 8/19/2005 4:41:12 PM   
MstrssPassion


Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline 		A lot of problems people may have with finding a partner stems from their own perception of self.

My partner is transsexual. She was already in transition when we met & no, I was not seeking a trans partner. I wasn't even seeking a female partner. I have always identified as heterosexual. I crossed the lines of orientation with this relationship. Gender had nothing to do with it, compatibility was the key.

I know that you are going through many changes & this may weigh on you at times, possibly cause you to have less than positive feelings at times. What you are doing takes a great deal of courage & for that be proud.

I wish you all the best & if you feel like speaking with persons that can understand & grasp many of the frustrations & triumphs of transitioning... please feel to contact myself & my partner on the email side of the site.

MstrssPassion

(in reply to sub4hire)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Difficulties for Trans people - 8/20/2005 5:53:03 PM   
lupinesub


Posts: 17
Joined: 9/14/2004
From: Austin
Status: offline 		Thank you all for taking the time to respond to me. I will agree that a big part of my problem is likely location and presence. Outside of the bar scene it's hard to meet people. There is a small bdsm group that meets once a month but I'm really nervous about going. I wish I wasn't so shy. Being overweight doesn't help with that either. I am however quite outgoing and friendly once I get to know people :)

I spent a month in Atlanta a few years ago and I was approached by several people, I wish I could have stayed. Don't know what it is about Atlanta but it was certainly nice. It's a pity that PEP closed down.

I guess for me it's easy not having to worry about sexual ID since I classify myself as bi. For me, gender is irrelevant. I guess that's a good thing about being who I am, I'm able to accept people more easily.

(in reply to MstrssPassion)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Difficulties for Trans people - 8/21/2005 7:30:57 AM   
NakedOnMyChain


Posts: 2431
Joined: 11/29/2004
From: Indiana
Status: offline 		I've ran into several people on this site with similar interests. Be vocal about who you are. Get the word out about yourself and you might be surprised at the results.

_____________________________

"Oh, it's torture, but I'm almost there."
~The Cure

"I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, do as I say, and I will be your slave."
~The Labyrinth

(in reply to lupinesub)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Difficulties for Trans people - 8/21/2005 11:18:21 AM   
night101owl


Posts: 83
Joined: 8/15/2005
Status: offline 		PEP closed, but 1763 opened in the same building, only with better lighting, sound system, decor. It hosts a number of community play parties (just about once a weekend, there's something for non-members), as well as munches. It doesn't rock as hard as Sanctuary did (which will always be my favorite venue), but it's still pretty great, and the staff is fantastic (you can rent out private rooms, too).

A lot of the folks involved in PEP are still active in the Atlanta scene, too. Maybe you should find an excuse to come visit again sometime! :)

(in reply to lupinesub)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Difficulties for Trans people - 8/21/2005 11:04:18 PM   
lupinesub


Posts: 17
Joined: 9/14/2004
From: Austin
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: night101owl

PEP closed, but 1763 opened in the same building, only with better lighting, sound system, decor. It hosts a number of community play parties (just about once a weekend, there's something for non-members), as well as munches. It doesn't rock as hard as Sanctuary did (which will always be my favorite venue), but it's still pretty great, and the staff is fantastic (you can rent out private rooms, too).

A lot of the folks involved in PEP are still active in the Atlanta scene, too. Maybe you should find an excuse to come visit again sometime! :)


We were going to go Sanctuary but never quite made it. I can't remember why. We did go to Pep 3 or 4 times though and a few different parties. I met so people that it made my mind spin. But everyone was so nice and it helped that the friend I was going with is well liked in the community. I used to hang out in the Atlanta channel at bondage.com until it got to the point where there was hardly ever anyone there anymore.

Perhaps I will have to come back to Atlanta someday, it would be nice to see some of those people again.

(in reply to night101owl)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Difficulties for Trans people - 8/22/2005 12:37:43 PM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

There is a small bdsm group that meets once a month but I'm really nervous about going. I wish I wasn't so shy. Being overweight doesn't help with that either. I am however quite outgoing and friendly once I get to know people :)


My first TS e-mailed me before joining my group. She asked if it would be ok, considering the issues involved. I said, sure, why not?
So, you may want to do that. Quietly ask in advance how they may accept you or not.
Once you know its ok I'm sure you'll have a new home.

(in reply to lupinesub)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Difficulties for Trans people - 8/23/2005 9:29:02 PM   
lupinesub


Posts: 17
Joined: 9/14/2004
From: Austin
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sub4hire

quote:

There is a small bdsm group that meets once a month but I'm really nervous about going. I wish I wasn't so shy. Being overweight doesn't help with that either. I am however quite outgoing and friendly once I get to know people :)


My first TS e-mailed me before joining my group. She asked if it would be ok, considering the issues involved. I said, sure, why not?
So, you may want to do that. Quietly ask in advance how they may accept you or not.
Once you know its ok I'm sure you'll have a new home.



Hmm perhaps I will try that. It seems a bit ironic to ask for permission to attend a kink meeting because of my gender issues lol

(in reply to sub4hire)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Difficulties for Trans people - 8/24/2005 3:07:05 AM   
onceburned


Posts: 2117
Joined: 1/4/2005
From: Iowa
Status: offline
quote:

It seems a bit ironic to ask for permission to attend a kink meeting because of my gender issues lol


Yes, it does. But... just because people are into kink doesn't mean they are open minded on other matters as well. I think there is a signficant degree of overlap between people who are kinky and people who are comfortable with porous gender boundaries, but the two sets are not identical.

Over time, social groups tend to become more homogenous. People who disagree or differ on matters important to the group tend to drop out or drift away. So an established BDSM group may gradually become more culturally conservative - for example, exclusively MaleDom/femsub and less welcoming to alternative paths.

So I think sub4hire's suggestion is a good one. As someone who helps oversee our local group, I welcome questions. So I am guessing your local group-tender will also welcome the question.... and if nothing else, it guarantees that you will have at least one friendly person in your corner when you arrive.

(in reply to lupinesub)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Difficulties for Trans people - 8/27/2005 9:01:05 PM   
lupinesub


Posts: 17
Joined: 9/14/2004
From: Austin
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: onceburned

quote:

It seems a bit ironic to ask for permission to attend a kink meeting because of my gender issues lol


Yes, it does. But... just because people are into kink doesn't mean they are open minded on other matters as well. I think there is a signficant degree of overlap between people who are kinky and people who are comfortable with porous gender boundaries, but the two sets are not identical.

Over time, social groups tend to become more homogenous. People who disagree or differ on matters important to the group tend to drop out or drift away. So an established BDSM group may gradually become more culturally conservative - for example, exclusively MaleDom/femsub and less welcoming to alternative paths.

So I think sub4hire's suggestion is a good one. As someone who helps oversee our local group, I welcome questions. So I am guessing your local group-tender will also welcome the question.... and if nothing else, it guarantees that you will have at least one friendly person in your corner when you arrive.



Oh, don't get me wrong. I think it's a good despite feeling strange. I've started to several emails to the person in charge of the biggest group locally and they are all sitting in my saved drafts folder. First one was started a year ago. I just can't seem to get what I want to say into words.

Though, I suppose I might as well wait and try to find a group a little closer to where I'm going to be moving to in the next month.

Actually I'm fairly new the forums here, is it okay to post asking about groups in a certain area or does it violate some sort of privacy rule?

(in reply to onceburned)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Difficulties for Trans people - 8/27/2005 10:26:09 PM   
onceburned


Posts: 2117
Joined: 1/4/2005
From: Iowa
Status: offline
quote:

is it okay to post asking about groups in a certain area or does it violate some sort of privacy rule?


I haven't seen anyone criticized for it. Its a question that gets asked, with some frequency.

(in reply to lupinesub)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Difficulties for Trans people - 8/27/2005 10:31:23 PM   
lupinesub


Posts: 17
Joined: 9/14/2004
From: Austin
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: onceburned

quote:

is it okay to post asking about groups in a certain area or does it violate some sort of privacy rule?


I haven't seen anyone criticized for it. Its a question that gets asked, with some frequency.


Okay, thank you very much. Now I just need to figure out where to post it. After I posted earlier I looked in upcoming events and saw a lot of posts asking about scenes/groups there, but I don't think I will post there since my question has nothing to do with upcoming events

(in reply to onceburned)
Profile   Post #: 17
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