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submissive or not - 12/20/2007 4:51:05 PM

kdbell

Posts: 8
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: Kansas City
Status: offline

Hi, I hope someone can help me. I met a man who is a Dom and says that he feels i am submissive. I would like to know more about this lifestyle, unsure and the only information i have is what he is giving me, can anyone help?

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RE: submissive or not - 12/20/2007 4:58:10 PM

LadyLynx

Posts: 1098
Joined: 7/24/2007
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Well you came to a good place to find out. the best things are too look around the site, read the threads, look at people's profiles, so on, so forth. What has he told you? What did you know already? What do you think so far? What are you interested in exactly? (like do you want to be a bedroom sub,fulltime sub,etc. what activities if any are interested in?)

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RE: submissive or not - 12/20/2007 5:04:18 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Welcome. The best info I can give you is to go slowly and read a lot. Here, at bondage.com if that site begins to work again, and just google the word submissive.

But basically, in your interpersonal relationships, who do you like to take the lead? Do you want to make the decisions about where to go for dinner, or do you enjoy a man making those kinds of decisions for you? In your sex life, do you prefer taking the lead, telling him what to do, or do you prefer him taking the lead and you following along.

That's the nuts and bolts of it. Do you want to make the decisions, within the parameters you set, or do you want him to, or do you prefer to alternate or discuss everything?

The best info I can give you is to think about your past relationships, what was the best part, what was the worst, and what you fantasize about.

If you post in the General BDSM forum and ask for help, someone will give you links to past threads. Ask about books to read, other sites to go to, etc. But for now, you need to ask this man what submissive means to him.

Does it mean you doing all the work while he sits around like a king in a castle? That's called service and some subs like it while others don't.
Does he envision giving you orders while watching you scurry around fulfilling them? That usually goes under the term of obedience.
Does he envision hurting you while you struggle to take the pain in order to please him? That's s & m, sadism & masochism.
Does he want to restrain you, using ropes, leather, saran wrap, chain, etc? That's bondage.
Does he want to bring you to the brink of orgasm and not let you cum until you beg? Orgasm control/denial depending on how long it goes on.

And there's tons more. So you need to ask him exactly what he's talking about. And you can email almost any of us who you feel thinks the way you do, or conversely who offers a viewpoint you don't have and would like to consider. Depending on the mail filters set, they may or may not get the email. But most of us remember what it was like to be new and we try to be helpful in return.

Welcome to the zoo.

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RE: submissive or not - 12/20/2007 5:07:33 PM

domiguy

Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
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I have taken similar actions with women I have met in the past.....Once I explained to them that they were submissive they all gladly accepted the cocksucking part of their day with nary a complaint.

Women are so stupid.

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RE: submissive or not - 12/20/2007 5:19:08 PM

kdbell

Posts: 8
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: Kansas City
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He has tried to explain some, and gave me a whole list of rules that he has, a questionare about what i like & dislike sexually and what i've done in the past. My problem is that i've always lived a sheltered life, never experienced anything. I was married for over 20 years and made alot of mistakes and allowed my ex to take advantage of me - financially. After we (the Dom & I) were together a couple of times, he said he had to have access to email accts., personal accts., keys to apt. & cars which scares me. He has another sub and she seems really sincere about how great he is. He has mentioned the word "slave" and i don't know what the difference is between slave & submissive. I'm interested in this, and have told him that, but giving control to someone i barely knows scares me.

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RE: submissive or not - 12/20/2007 7:25:03 PM

LadyChef

Posts: 105
Joined: 11/11/2007
Status: offline

There are lots of book and websites which will refer you to books. Get with your google and ask.com, or check out a lot of the threads here which have links to sites.

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RE: submissive or not - 12/20/2007 7:42:30 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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Control of email, personal accounts, keys to your home? All this to someone you barely know? Don't do it.

That kind of control has to be earned through a history of seeing him make good decisions day by day. He hasn't earned it.

And are you interested in being in second place to his present sub? Are you bisexual? Because you're going to find him demanding that of you?

Whether or not you're submissive, I don't know. But you need to trust your instincts. When your gut is telling you that what he's demanding is scary and unsafe, listen to it. Please.

http://www.drkdesyre.com/index.htm A link to bdsm books which you may or may not be interested in. But hopefully not with this man.

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RE: submissive or not - 12/20/2007 8:27:13 PM

Sirandlil1

Posts: 272
Joined: 8/15/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: kdbell

He has tried to explain some, and gave me a whole list of rules that he has, a questionare about what i like & dislike sexually and what i've done in the past. My problem is that i've always lived a sheltered life, never experienced anything. I was married for over 20 years and made alot of mistakes and allowed my ex to take advantage of me - financially. After we (the Dom & I) were together a couple of times, he said he had to have access to email accts., personal accts., keys to apt. & cars which scares me. He has another sub and she seems really sincere about how great he is. He has mentioned the word "slave" and i don't know what the difference is between slave & submissive. I'm interested in this, and have told him that, but giving control to someone i barely knows scares me.

OMG...slow down...BDSM is built on trust...that takes time to develop...and that is not devloped after a couple of times together...if he is for real he should know that and not try to rush you......interest in the lifestyle is great...read as much as you can...go slow...and if you gut tells you something listen to it....

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RE: submissive or not - 12/20/2007 9:04:56 PM

kdbell

Posts: 8
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: Kansas City
Status: offline

Thank you for your guidance. When I show hesitation to give him the information he requested, he told me that i wasn't trusting him and that BDSM is built on trust. I am not bi and he has assured me that i would not have to submit to his other sub, i'm just afraid that in time things would/will change. Thanks for the web link, i will check it out.

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Post #: 9

RE: submissive or not - 12/21/2007 8:55:26 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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Tell him he hasn't earned your trust. That kind of a comment is on a par with a teen saying "if you loved me, you would have sex with me". Manipulative as hell and not worthy of an adult.

I sort of expect the domly types to push for what they want. I don't judge them on pushing. I do judge them on how they respond when I said "You're going too fast for me". If they said tough and demanded stuff I had already told them I wasn't up to, I crossed them off my list immediately.

The only one who ever apologised, assured me he didn't mean to frighten me off, and insisted I tell him whenever he was going too fast, and tried to slow down to my snail like pace is the one I'm with. He didn't get everything he asked for out of me immediately but he's gotten all of that and stuff he didn't even think about asking for with time.

And telling you that you don't have to submit to his sub is not the same as saying you don't have to have sex with her.

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RE: submissive or not - 12/21/2007 3:20:17 PM

Maya2001

Posts: 1656
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
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quote:

After we (the Dom & I) were together a couple of times, he said he had to have access to email accts., personal accts., keys to apt. & cars which scares me.

Do you trust him not to rip up off??? Are you comfortable with this level of control over your life???? If the answer is no then you don't, I for one would not agree ever to give up control in certain areas of my life, for example I would never agree to turn over my paychecks to another man again, if a dom does not like that well he is not the dom for me. BDSM is not just built on trust but it is also build on consent, if I do not agree to having my face slapped then he has not right to do, if I do no wish to hand over my bank account info then he does not have any right to entitle ment to it, if he does not like that fact than he has every right to go find a different submissive, doms should not bully submissives into what they want , they have to earn the trust and respect of the sub first so that she willing gives up control to him. Finding a dom is just like anyother dating scenario it means finding someone who has similiar interests , who will respect you, who will respect your limits and that you trust not to do anything that will bring permanent physical or emotional harm to you

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RE: submissive or not - 12/22/2007 4:34:08 PM

kdbell

Posts: 8
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: Kansas City
Status: offline

Thank you for your input. I did tell Him that i was chatting on line w/people & he agreed that it would be good to get other opinions, however, He does not want outside information to interfer with what he wishes to teach me. I'm learning that BDSM is definantly different than what i am use to, everything is out on paper - certain aspects just scare me.

(in reply to Maya2001)

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RE: submissive or not - 1/1/2008 11:21:46 AM

subbygirly

Posts: 11
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline

As you know i posted you my view personal due to very personal circumstances, but I can only advice you in addition again, dont do it. If he cant accept your refusal on that, then i agree to "maya2001", then you are not the right sub for him, then he should go and find someone else. As many others say correctly, he has to earn your trust, and i personally would not give that trust, until a proper relationship is formed over many years where I am able to judge him because of his decisions he made over the years.I am a sub, but I also use my brain and would not follow blindly everything he does or he requests, because after all I am still a human being and dont want to risk to loose everything at the end, just because i believed he would be different then your expartner you mentioned. Good luck.

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RE: submissive or not - 1/1/2008 1:17:59 PM

AMaster

Posts: 814
Joined: 8/4/2005
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kdbell., You have come to the right place. Welcome and Happy New Year.

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RE: submissive or not - 1/1/2008 4:11:04 PM

HollyBlue

Posts: 144
Joined: 9/13/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Control of email, personal accounts, keys to your home? All this to someone you barely know? Don't do it.

That kind of control has to be earned through a history of seeing him make good decisions day by day. He hasn't earned it.

And are you interested in being in second place to his present sub? Are you bisexual? Because you're going to find him demanding that of you?

Whether or not you're submissive, I don't know. But you need to trust your instincts. When your gut is telling you that what he's demanding is scary and unsafe, listen to it. Please.

http://www.drkdesyre.com/index.htm A link to bdsm books which you may or may not be interested in. But hopefully not with this man.

Listen to these words. I wholeheartedly endorse them.

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RE: submissive or not - 1/1/2008 4:20:07 PM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: kdbell

He has tried to explain some, and gave me a whole list of rules that he has, a questionare about what i like & dislike sexually and what i've done in the past. My problem is that i've always lived a sheltered life, never experienced anything. I was married for over 20 years and made alot of mistakes and allowed my ex to take advantage of me - financially. After we (the Dom & I) were together a couple of times, he said he had to have access to email accts., personal accts., keys to apt. & cars which scares me. He has another sub and she seems really sincere about how great he is. He has mentioned the word "slave" and i don't know what the difference is between slave & submissive. I'm interested in this, and have told him that, but giving control to someone i barely knows scares me.

This has red flags all over it. Do NOT give him anything, any Dominant worth their salt would not be asking you for these things so soon. People are not always what they appear to be and only YOU can determine if you are a sub or a slave or even a Dominant. Take your time, read and be smart. Never give anyone your belongings or personal information until you KNOW You can trust them.

Good luck,
~Lashra

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RE: submissive or not - 1/1/2008 4:30:53 PM

faerytattoodgirl

Posts: 5824
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"After we (the Dom & I) were together a couple of times, he said he had to have access to email accts., personal accts., keys to apt. & cars which scares me."

This guy sounds like a con man after your money and nothing more!!! RUN RUN RUN!!!!

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RE: submissive or not - 1/1/2008 4:59:58 PM

falccon

Posts: 68
Joined: 9/4/2005
Status: offline

Hi,
Frow a subs prespective,when you created you profile and mentioned that your new to the lifestyle,in a way you became vulnerable.True Doms know it's a trust issue and don't rush into things ;they know it will take time to gain someone's trust.However,since your new,the vultures will exploit you and use you for their own gain.

Giving your personal info to someone who demands it is a tactic these cons use on newbies,so beware.Also, the other sub can be a plant and told to say what the Dom wants her to say or else.

If he starts to question your loyality and trust,he's up to something fishy; use your instincts.Stay away.There are many predators out there who claim they are Doms.

There is a big difference between sub and slave.

< Message edited by falccon -- 1/1/2008 5:06:37 PM >

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RE: submissive or not - 1/1/2008 5:06:30 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kdbell

He has tried to explain some, and gave me a whole list of rules that he has, a questionare about what i like & dislike sexually and what i've done in the past. My problem is that i've always lived a sheltered life, never experienced anything. I was married for over 20 years and made alot of mistakes and allowed my ex to take advantage of me - financially. After we (the Dom & I) were together a couple of times, he said he had to have access to email accts., personal accts., keys to apt. & cars which scares me. He has another sub and she seems really sincere about how great he is. He has mentioned the word "slave" and i don't know what the difference is between slave & submissive. I'm interested in this, and have told him that, but giving control to someone i barely knows scares me.

I really cannot believe that a grown woman of this age would even consider this as being normal. I am trying to be more patient in this new year about these kinds of posts, so I will refrain.

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RE: submissive or not - 1/1/2008 7:46:11 PM

SlaveOwnerDave

Posts: 113
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Petaluma, CA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kdbell
***[ed] After we (the Dom & I) were together a couple of times, he said he had to have access to email accts., personal accts., keys to apt. & cars which scares me. He has another sub and she seems really sincere about how great he is. ***[ed] but giving control to someone i barely knows scares me.

Greetings kdbell,

e-mail accounts
money accounts
keys for apartment
keys for cars (more than one car!)

Let Me put it this way: I am sure you know your mailman and your boss more than you know this "Dom". Would you give ANY of these things to either of them? Well, Mr. "Dom" doesn't need them either!

This is one of those "controlling SOBs" about which one reads all to often. And, he seems to have larceny in mind! Just say NO!

Giving control to someone you barely know SHOULD scare you: It is WRONG!

All you know about him is he SAYS he is a Dom, and he SAYS the woman is his sub. Whatever he says is suspect. He says it for HIS reasons, not yours.

Until you are collared (and maybe not even then) you keep those things! Anyway, the prime directive for a slave is protect the property. The property here is yourself. Let him prove to you--by his everyday actions--that he is honest and that he cares about you.

Yes, in a Ms relationship, the Master controls the slave. BUT: The Master provides various support and maintenance services for the slave so that the slave can serve Him. I do not 'hear' any support for you from him.

Everyone on here has said this guy is bad news. Give him a wide berth if he cannot straighten up. Also, put his name in Google, and see what you get!

I wish you the best!

Sincerely,
Master Dave

< Message edited by SlaveOwnerDave -- 1/1/2008 7:51:47 PM >

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