|
Rafters -> ER advice *May Squick* (12/21/2007 5:59:31 AM)
|
God bless EM. Professionalism at the point of service, and merciless mocking only later.
#6 Never, ever leave flashlights, shampoo bottles, beer bottles or any long, circular object on the floor because someday you will fall on it and it will somehow, work its way up your rectum.
When attempting a self-circumcision do not use dry ice to numb the area... and when the dry ice sticks to the... a.... area, do not attempt to remove the ice with boiling water.
When your 15yo daughter gives precipitous delivery to a bleating, underweight infant 30 minutes after presenting to triage c "gas pains", you should run around the department loudly yelling, "I don't know what y'all did or who that baby is, but my lil' girl warn't pregnant when she come in here"
Also, after inserting a toilet brush wrapped in duct tape and saran wrap into your rectum (23 y/o male) and having the handle break off (DOH!), have your mother drive you to the ED.... it always makes for good conversation in the car!
If you are in police custody and are brought to the ED for evaluation, do not go to the bathroom then try to escape through the ceiling, because the styrofoam ceiling will probably collapse at some point and the NYPD standing outside the bathroom door might notice your bare behind, scantiliy covered by the hospital gown, hanging out of the ceiling.
If your ass is sore from lots of diarrhea, turpentine can be quite soothing to your anal sphincter.
If your "privates" are irritated and itching try using some Car Wash on them... the ammonia is guaranteed to help..
....the vagina is not the best place to store those pieces of broken glass you were collecting.
Sitting on the porch minding your own business is the #1 cause of knife wounds.
Despite popular belief...coat hangers are not a cure for constipation
BASED ON A CASE TODAY...
don't allow someone with a known poorly controlled seizure disorder to perform oral sex on you...
enough said...
If you come to the ER (by EMS of course) with 2 days of priapism which you've had before and I aspirate and inject your penis with phenylephrine and it starts to go down don't sit in your bed and stroke yourself until it gets hard again (not making this up).
when you get tired of vaginal or anal sex.. try transverse colon.. there are individuals out there who will pay 1000 bucks a pop to screw a colostomy patient (yes.. the colostomy).. more amazingly is there are prostitutes who sell their colostomy..
"See, I told you I was having a heart attack, look at the monitor, its a flat line"
Also, be careful when high. Your girlfriend may convince you to inject battery acid and baking soda into your penis in order to get "an erection that will last forever." The battery acid will eat away at your penis.
Don't use the dish hose from the sink as your ambassador to rectal pleasure. If you do, the spring-loaded handle thingy will open after you shove it up past the anus, making it impossible to get out.
Furthermore, it will be difficult to explain to your step-father when he discovers you how you became 'tethered' to the sink by the dish hose.
Although its very romantic and the symbolism is quite profound, using your wedding band as a cock ring is a terrible idea. Waiting 6 hours to come to the ED is worse.
Do you ever wonder why the voices don't suggest good, smart, or kind actions?
If you are 17 and very drunk and are brought to the ER with a face that looks like hamburger and an upper lip that needs to be put back together, please just say you got into a fight. We would prefer not to know that someone bet you $20 that you couldn't punch yourself unconscious (and you won).
If you're taking pictures of seasonal plants in the desert (is a cactus seasonal?), don't do crystal meth and fall down and embankment and impale your scrotum and penis on a cactus. It's bad.
If you have sex with a girl, and your frat brother tells you right after you come downstairs that she has herpes, pouring bleach all over your privates will not take care of ANY of your problems!
Hitting the security guard with your crack pipe will not improve your situation.
If you are having rough intercourse, and your partner likes to insert foriegn objects while in the act, make sure he uses a 6ft long RCA cable, folds it in half and twists it so it has the characteristics of a foley catheter. This way, he can insert it directly into your urethra. Make sure it goes most the way in so that it can roll into a ball in your bladder. After the post coital euphoria wears off, you realize that you can't remove it, so you go to the ER wearing nothing but a short skirt. So now when you do the walk of shame down the ER hallway with the connecter ends of the cable dangling between your legs, don't wonder why all these people are looking at you funny!
As for her partner, make sure you send her to the ER alone so you don't have to deal with all of the embarassment...
- Spreading dog food onto your genitals is not a successful way of feeding your pets and can end in tears
Don't stick things in your rectum. A good general rule. Should you break this rule be sure that you are not a 14 year old boy who has swiped your mom's vibrator. ...
I saw a three year old boy who had fallen asleep with mom and dad. Dad woke up and saw the child with a noose of mom's long hair around his neck. The kid was purple, not breathing, and flaccid...
Craft glue is not to be used as a sexual aide, mmmkay?
Caucasian mother and father present in the ER with imminent delivery. Infant delivered is black. Security called.
#2- That if you are a lieutenant colonel and you're going to shove your pager (his military issued pager complete with the clip holder thing) up your ass, and need to go to a hospital to have it removed, a few pointers:
a. Don't go to a military hospital
b. If you are going to go to a military hospital, remember not to go to the one on the base you work at.
c. The respiratory therapist (me) shouldn't be asking you for the pager number, not even "because we have to have the number for the report."
d. Don't be surprised when the ER staff amuses themselves for several hours while waiting on an OR to become available, by paging you repeatedly and watching you jump.
Two things I learned recently:
1. Percocet can be snorted
2. Labia minora can be stretched to a woman's knees (don't try this at home)
I learned what a urethral vibrator is and that if you let go of it it will end up floating in your bladder while still running
I had my 2nd patient drink their Fleets enema today.
no matter how much fun it sounds, try to avoid shoving a toothbrush, bristles first, into your urethra. You will dribble urine all over the ER and the docs caring for you will likely be low on sympathy..
PS - IMHO the "Colostomy bag entrance as erogenous zone" story is grosser than the "Suck tampons and daipers for sexual satisfaction" story.
PPS - Was God high when he invented human sexuality?
if you are a 28yo female in labor, do not grab the 18yo EMT by the shirt and scream in his face "Men! Why do you do this to us!?!?" You will scar (scare?) him for life.
Never, ever, under any circumstances iron while less than fully clothed. And for godsake, don't use a rather rikety card table with a layer of folded towels on it instead of a proper ironing board if you tend to be, um, vigiourous in your ironing whilst you have body parts swinging in the breeze. Because it might necessitate hobbling into the ER with a 2nd degree burn and putting down on the paperwork that you are here because "I ironed my man part."
If for some reason your girlfriend or you has some obsession with firearms and you use a pistol to sexually stimulate her, please remember to unload the hollow points. If you don't you will keep me up all night assisting a charming urologist that enjoys these kind of things instead of me getting some sleep.
If regular old sex just won't do it for you anymore, swallowing four metallic ball bearings, each an inch in diameter, and then using a large magnet to move them around, hoping that it will stimulate your bowel while you masturbate is generally a bad idea.
After downing a bottle of lithium and a bottle of risperdol telling the doctor, "I wasn't trying to kill myself - I was just trying to make my blood taste bad so the vampires wouldn't eat me." is not going to get you out of a trip to the psych ward.
We had a patient who was gored by an bull who we transported to the ED. He went home (several days later), shot the bull in the head, had it butchered and "donated it" to the ED staff and ambulance crew.
two gentlemen were brought in by ambulance, on ONE stretcher, one apparently 'stuck' on top of the other
"I am not drawing blood while Mr Happy is looking at me, now GET DRESSED!"
Whatever it is you do to get unexplained full thickness burns INSIDE of your rectum is probably NOT A GOOD IDEA!
If you really feel the need to get back at your girlfriend, the best way to do this is to light your pants on fire. It will certainately teach her a lesson.
The best place for a bottlerocket to be launched is from your rectum.
I learned tonight that if you decide you need to remove your pubic hair for a "cleaner, fresher feeling" becasue your girlfriend "didn't like it in her face" the best way to do that is to cover your most intimate parts with lighter fluid then set it afire to "flash burn all the hair. I thought it'd be easier than using a razor."
Yes, you can have sex with your wife in between her contractions. However, the obstetrician is really not going to appreciate it.
http://forums.studentdoctor.net/showthread.php?s=c08175b65aabac1af72d9fdba9c69a8%207&t=257985
|
|
|
|
