wistfulmale
Posts: 15
Joined: 12/6/2007
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There was this tramp. One cold winter's morning he was walking along a
country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake. He
turned to see a little girl struggling in the broken ice in the middle
of the lake. She'd been skating and had fallen into the icy water.
Without a moment's hesitation the tramp ran onto the ice and slipped
and slide over to the little girl. He managed to pull her out without
breaking the ice further and he carried her back to the road. He took
off his coat and wrapped the little girl in it and began looking for a
car to flag down.
A few moments later a huge chauffeur-driven limo pulled up, and who
stepped out but the little girl's father, the mayor of the nearby town
and a multi-millionaire. "How can I ever thank you sir?" says the
father after putting his daughter into the warmth of the limo. "Just
name your price, I'm a wealthy man."
"Ahem, well," stammered the tramp "Eh I'm a little short of cash,
perhaps you could help me out"
"Certainly" says the girl's father and he pulls out his wallet. "Oh
dear" says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have
ten dollars, but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe"
"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten dollars is more money than I've
seen in my whole life, that will be plenty".
"Well, if you insist." says the father, "Now what will you do with
your money?"
"Oh that's easy" says the tramp "I've not had a rest in 20 years. I
think I'll buy myself a holiday "
"Well good luck" says the father, and he gets into the car and signals
his chauffeur to drive home.
"Ten Dollars" thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!", and off he goes
to the town, to buy himself a holiday. He finds a travel agent, walks
in, much to the disgust of the staff and goes up to the desk. "I'll
have one holiday please!"
"Ahem, which holiday would sir like" asked the girl at the desk,
forcing a smile
"Oh, any holiday I don't mind" replied the tramp.
"Well how much money does sir have to spend on sir's holiday?"
"Oh, lots, anything up to ten dollars"
"Ten Dollars! You'll never get a holiday for ten dollars" says the
girl incredulously.
"Oh dear" said the tramp, "and I was so looking forward to a holiday.
I'll probably never get another chance. Isn't there anything you can
do?"
"Well I don't think so sir, but hold on and I'll check" The girl goes
into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing
drawers she can find. There to her amazement she finds an old file.
"Well you'll never believe it" she says to the tramp, back in the
shop. "I've got you a holiday. Its a super-duper, ultra-hyper,
mega-economy class round the world cruise, and it costs ten dollars"
"Yippee", exclaims the tramp, "I'll take it" The tramp takes the
tickets and, shouldering his dirty old pack, he heads out the door to
hitch-hike to the port where the ship is waiting.
A few days later he arrives at the port, and there in the dock is the
most beautiful, most elaborately decorated, most expensive looking
ocean-going liner he has ever seen. Amazed at his luck and good
fortune, he slings his pack over his shoulder, and marches up the
gangplank.
"Get off my ship ye dirty bum!" shouts a voice, and an irate captain
storms down the gangplank and kicks the tramp down onto the dockside.
"But I've got my ticket!", responds the tramp, "Super-duper,
ultra-hyper, mega-economy class, and I want on!"
Hardly believeing his eyes, the captain examines the ticket and admits
that our man the tramp is correct.
"Ahem, well O.K." says the captain, "But you can't come on just now, I
don't want my first-class passengers seeing you. Come back at midnight
when it's dark and I'll let you on then."
So the tramp finds himself a quiet spot among some cargo cases on the
dockside, and he falls asleep.
"Psst", says a voice, waking him with a start. It was the captain.
"Hurry up, it's midnight, let's get you to your cabin"
The tramp toddles after the captain, along the dockside, up the
gangway, and onto the ship, and what a ship! The tramp had never in his
wildest dreams imagined luxury like this.
First they went down though the first class level: Oriental carpets,
6" pile. A genuine Rembrahndt on every wall. Leave your shoes outside
for cleaning, and the steward brings a new pair. 24 ct gold trim
everywhere.
Then the second class: As above, but perhaps the carpets were only 3"
deep. and so on. 3rd, 4th, 5th class, down past the casinos, and the
ballrooms, down through the crew's quarters, down through the galleys,
and the engine rooms, until finally, at the lowest point in the ship,
against the very hull, the captain opens a watertight door into a tiny
7' x 4' cabin, with a hammock, a bedside table, and an alarm clock.
"Sheer luxury!" exclaimed the tramp, "A room of my very own."
"I'm glad you like it" replies the captain, "but there is one more
thing, your class of ticket only allows you to use the facilities of
the ship, at night when all the other passengers are asleep. So that's
what the alarm clock is for. Enjoy your cruise."
Well the cruise began, and the tramp had a whale of a time. Sleeping
by day, and up on deck at night, he loved it. One-man-tennis, clay
pigeon shooting, more food than he'd ever seen.
Then one morning, a week or so into the cruise, the tramp decided he'd
have a go on the diving board of the pool. He had just enough time for
one dive before he had to go below. He climbed up the ladder, stepped
onto the board tip, bounced, and dived. And what a dive! Perfectly
poised in the air, he hit the water without so much as a ripple.
Now unknown to him, the captain, who'd grown rather fond of the poor
old tramp, was standing watching this. "That was amazing!" exclaimed
the captain, "Where did you learn to dive like that?"
"Eh, well I've never actually dived before" replied the tramp.
"Well that's incredible!" says the captain, "I've never seen, " He
broke off. "Hey, I've an idea", he started again. "How would you like
to train a bit, and we'll put on a show for the other passengers. I'll
pay you, and you can then afford to go first class!"
"It's a deal!" says our man. For the next 3 weeks the tramp practices
like he's never practiced. Back-flips, front-flips, triple-back
sideways axled dives, you name it he tried it.
Then one morning the captain came to talk. "O.K. I'd like you to stay
in your cabin for the next 2 days. We're going to erect a high diving
board for you."
"O.K." agreed the tramp.
Two days passed, and the big day arrived. The ship was humming with
excitement. Everyone wanted to see the mystery diver. The captain had
provided the tramp with a new pair of swimming trunks and he wore these
as he stepped out onto the sun-beaten deck. Gasps of astonishment from
the crowd, and a hushed awe.
Then the tramp turned to regard the diving board. Higher than the eye
could see, towering up and up, rose a slender column of metal.
"Well tramp" said the captain, shaking his hand, "Let's see what you
can do." And with that the Captain handed him a walkie talkie.
And the tramp began to climb up and up, up and up, higher and higher,
below him the ship grew smaller, up and up, on and on, past a solitary
albatross, and still higher, till the ship was but a speck on the ocean
below, on and on still further, till the ocean grew dim, and the earth
itself began to shrink, and higher, ever higher, on and on, past our
moon, and on, and Mars, and on, higher, and higher , through the
asteroid belt, and on and on towards the diving board, past the outer
planets, until finally on the outermost reaches of the Solar System he
reached the board.
He climbed on top and radioed the captain and he jumped, slowly at
first but speeding up faster, and faster speeding past Pluto and the
other outer planets through the asteroid belts past Mars, and the moon,
faster, and faster, faster, ever faster, and by now the earth was
growing large in the distance, the oceans and land masses grew clear,
faster, and fasterpast the albatross, faster double-back somersault,
and he could see the ship, tiny in the distance, hurtling down now, he
posed, ready for the final 500 feet,
Down on the ship the crew strained their necks.
"I can see him!" yelled a passenger, "Look!"
The tramp streaked down towards the pool, did a last triple flip, and
dove. Not a ripple on the surface! down through the water! smashed
through the pool bottom! down through the first deck!
Smashing through the second! down! down! through the crew's quarters!
through the engine rooms! smashing through his own little cabin! And
down through the steel hull of the ship! still down deeper, deeper into
the murky depths, till smash! into into the sea bed, sinking a 37'
shaft in the process.
Desperate for air he struggled out of the shaft, his lungs bursting he
swam frantically for the surface. Up and up, desperate, gasping, out of
the water, up the ladder onto the deck of the ship, into a throng wild
with acclaim.
"Hero!."
"Wonderful!!"
"Amazing!"
"Bloody good show what!"
And handing him a heated towel the captain spoke, as a hush fell over
the crowd. "Well tramp, I have never seen anything like that, ever.
That was the most stupendous piece of diving I have ever seen"
The tramp blushed.
The captain went on: "But tell me; most amazing of all is how you
survived smashing through this boat after you dived. How did you do
it?"
And the tramp looked at the captain, and the crowd and replied
modestly, "Well you see, I'm a poor tramp. So you must understand, ....
I've been through many a hardship in my life."
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