Does a Domme's Empathy Conflict with Her Authority in D/s?

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Does a Domme's Empathy Conflict with Her Authority in D/s? - 12/21/2007 11:43:02 PM

scorpioqueen

Posts: 5
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline

Hi Folks, I wanted to write here to GET your feedback or opinion before I would CONSIDER ENTERING A D/s relationship. I wanted to express about my concerning regard prevent of failure in D/s relationship. I have has been Dominant for 7 years. I have a strong self-confident, knowledge, self-controlled and self esteem. I always tell to general submissive that I am just interested to play only. I keep my Dominant side separate from all my life. I asked few submissive about my wishful in D/s relationship for TRIAL only. So, I can get good to taste experiences before a real D/s relationship. However, some submissive do not agrees with my ideal. They seems that they were insecure even though submissive usually say a very admire in my lifestyle. I would try openly discussing with my submissive about grow in D/s relationship. I might own a collared sub. I have seen that subs have certain tendencies. I would try carefully learn my sub's needs, hopes, and desires. I am hopeful my wishful make submissive's need to please me. I would try learning carefully with my submissive endeavor his needs, hopes, and desires. I am hopeful my wishful make submissive’s need to please me. I know when my submissive wants to be open and communicate with me. We are friendships and he serves by laundering, cleaning, shopping and other miscellaneous services. My question is: How can I balance my feelings of caring and empathy toward my sub with my feelings of dominance and control?" I expect my sub to be my toyboy. I know when my submissive is withholding negative thoughts from me. I can feel what my sub is feelings. I just want to make sure that submissive is confident enough to express his thoughts. I just fear being in D/s relationship when it cause mistake. I am hopeful that D/s relationship could find the final for me and my submissive into fulfillment of love at last.

SQ

Post #: 1

RE: Does a Domme's Empathy Conflict with Her Authority ... - 12/22/2007 12:03:20 AM

FangsNfeet

Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: scorpioqueen

My question is: How can I balance my feelings of caring and empathy toward my sub with my feelings of dominance and control?"
SQ

A few thoughts come to mine. Tough Love, Discipline, and Communication.

You may not get to do everything you want but it's important to do what's needed.

When entering a relationship, lay down your cards on the table. This is who I am and what I expect. I will love and listen to you but these are my terms. Cross the line and you will be subjected to the following consiquences.

You have to tell them what you want and listen to what they want before turning anything serious. Once you know what to expect from the other, live up to your word/standards and he will live up to his.

_____________________________

I'm Godzilla and you're Japan

(in reply to scorpioqueen)

Post #: 2

RE: Does a Domme's Empathy Conflict with Her Authority ... - 12/22/2007 12:06:51 AM

Stephann

Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline

When my slave's holding back, I can feel it too. I point it out, and also point out that, like the car, I need to know when there's a problem.

If the car didn't flash the oil light when it needed a change, I might not realize the oil's old. Same with the break lights; I don't know the breaks are going out, until I hit them, and...well, we know what happens.

Your submissive has an obligation to tell you what's going on. If you feel something isn't working the way you should, you have an obligation to ask. That doesn't mean they're a bad submissive or you're a bad dominant; it means you both can work to improve your communication skills.

The sooner your issues and problems are solved, the happier you two will be.

Stephan

_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to FangsNfeet)

Post #: 3

RE: Does a Domme's Empathy Conflict with Her Authority ... - 12/22/2007 12:13:44 AM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

I have to stop here: I do not believe myself, maybe; or since I am an old fool: and still arrogantly tilt windlls:

Oh; fukit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy Holidays to You and Yours!!!!

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to Stephann)

Post #: 4

RE: Does a Domme's Empathy Conflict with Her Authority ... - 12/22/2007 12:22:18 AM

Stephann

Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline

Señor Quixote,

To thine Spellcheck be true,

N. Webster

< Message edited by Stephann -- 12/22/2007 12:31:25 AM >

_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 5

RE: Does a Domme's Empathy Conflict with Her Authority ... - 12/22/2007 12:26:51 AM

awmslave

Posts: 599
Joined: 3/31/2006
Status: offline

What I am reading from your post is you want basically vanilla relationship with a man who likes and accepts strong domineering but at the same time caring partner. "Trial only" does not mean anything. Every relationship starts as a trial and every relationship is real. Male submissives are very wide group of individuals and there are plenty of them per dominant female. There is no need for "blind date". D/s relationship can well start as every other; you get to know each other first, determine compatibility and then move to the next step. As you do not actually know what you want my advise would be: start something , anything, and you will learn what you want. It is largely practical matter. Real life and dreams differ.

(in reply to scorpioqueen)

Post #: 6

RE: Does a Domme's Empathy Conflict with Her Authority ... - 12/22/2007 4:30:04 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

For us, his empathy deepens his control. By being able to tap into my feelings, he knows when I really can't do things, when I'm nearing a panic attack and need his protection instead of being forced to do things. By having a sense of where I'm at, he can figure out what's the best thing to do at that moment without me being required to stand up to him at the time I'm least able to.

But this isn't a play only relationship. We started as friends, not just casual meet & beat. I suggest you date, make friends and allow relationships to grow or not naturally.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to awmslave)

Post #: 7

RE: Does a Domme's Empathy Conflict with Her Authority ... - 12/22/2007 4:51:08 AM

Driver1961

Posts: 459
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

He dips His lid:

You appear to be questioning your personal right to have a 'dynamic' of understanding between D n' s where you feel validated that your actions are commensurate with the understanding of the submission of your sub- In other words- You can lay straight in bed confident that your actions are always consentual? If so... very admirable and achievable. If so, stick to your ethics and you will find a jigsaw piece to fit admirably.

You as a Dominant are foremostly you- no different than a submissive. Hence some say Dom/mes that do not share a similar emracement of the 'dynamic' (that I envisage your have) and so will offer contrary advice. Do not forget that many submissives think similarly to you- they do not identify as slaves.

Warm regards Driver

< Message edited by Driver1961 -- 12/22/2007 4:55:12 AM >

_____________________________

Dance as though nobody is watching!

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 8

RE: Does a Domme's Empathy Conflict with Her Authority ... - 12/22/2007 4:55:25 AM

BeachMystress

Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline

Falling in love with your submissive CAN alter the dynamic if you let it. I've seen this ruin several great relationships between Domme and their subs. The sub fell in love with an assertive, controlling woman who wasn't afraid to keep them in line and all of a sudden she stops. She can't bear the thought of hurting or being mean to the one she loves. While all relationships change over time, if an essential part of the relationship goes away you risk losing the relationship.

One way to get past the first hump of "going soft" is to keep in mind that they WANT you to continue to act as you have. It is what attracted them in the first place. Grit your teeth and work through it. Tell yourself it is for their own good or however you need to get through the day. Once you see that they remain happy and in love with you even when you continue to "be mean" to them, hopefully you'd relax enough to go back to doing things because they make YOU happy.

Punishment isn't always painful. I am the head of my household, married to and wildly in love with my collared submissive husband and live a 24/7 TPE marriage. My husband messed up a few weeks ago and I made him sing "It's a Small World" thirty times. Some times it is though. Right now, he has something he has to remember to do daily at work. If he forgets, he gets 15 hard swats from a wood paddle. My feeling is I'm helping him by making sure he remembers. (He isn't fond of the wood paddles.) There are also times when I hurt him just because it is erotic for me. He gains fulfilment by meeting my needs even though he hates pain. I know he hates it. I do it anyway. If I didn't he'd feel like he failed me and had been unable to meet my needs.

As people have said, communication is essential. Knowing yourself is also very important. In order for a submissive to meet your needs, you must know them yourself. Sound Obvious? It isn't. I know many people who have no clue what they really want from a submissive. Before you enter into a PE relationship, make sure you know where you want it to go. Do you want to always be head of the household? Do you want to pay the bills and decide where to go to dinner? Do you want a man who does the housework but is equal other times? Do you want D/s to be limited to the bedroom or woven throughout your daily life? Do you want to pick his friends and select his wardrobe? Do you expect to wake to the smell of already brewed coffee? Do you want the sub to accept being pampered at times? Do not assume you are both on the same page. While contracts are not legally enforceable, they do let the sub know what is expected of them in a given circumstance. Remember, there is no right or wrong way to have your relationship. Only right or wrong for you and your partner. When TPE works, it is an awesome type of relationship. But not everyone is suited to this type of submission. You're going to have to work it out as you go. Good luck in your venture!

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to scorpioqueen)

Post #: 9

RE: Does a Domme's Empathy Conflict with Her Authority ... - 12/22/2007 5:36:50 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

I think empathy with a strong sense of authority is a wonderful combination.

I notice that the more I can understand my slave, the more I can empathize, and the longer we are together, the more controlling and sadistic I can actually be because I feel safer with the decisions I can make.

Perhaps if more people with authority in the vanilla world had empathy we'd all be better off.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to scorpioqueen)

Post #: 10

RE: Does a Domme's Empathy Conflict with Her Authority ... - 12/22/2007 5:47:41 AM

lateralist1

Posts: 886
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline

Finding someone to enter into a friendship relationship to start with has been impossible for me.
Men seem to want the security of knowing they have found a Mistress before they are even willing to meet.
I see my dominant personality as a gift that I bestow on those I feel are deserving of it.
I believe that a submissive should feel the same about his submission.
Playing at D/s is ok when you first encounter the dynamic but as I have been dominating my partners all my life TPE is nothing new to me.
I thought I was very inexperienced in BDSM until I started to talk to some really experienced players. There is a lot talked about subs limits but in a TPE relationship it's the Dom/me that sets the limits and this can only be done safely within a loving committed relationship. If a sub can not communicate effectively with his/her Dom/me then the relationship will not work. Dominant people by their very nature can easily actually abuse.
The ones with intelligence and insight into their own personalities know that and are careful of it.

(in reply to BeachMystress)

Post #: 11

RE: Does a Domme's Empathy Conflict with Her Authority ... - 12/22/2007 5:53:54 AM

Lordandmaster

Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline

I completely agree with this, but I'm not sure it's what the OP is talking about, because, honestly, I don't exactly understand what the OP is asking. If the question is about empathy rather than love (the two aren't the same thing), I'd say that empathy can only improve a dom's or domme's ability to control. If you know what a sub is feeling because you can sense it yourself, that's a hugely important piece of information, and you should make full use of it. Of course, you can't ever hold yourself back from doing something JUST because it might hurt the sub. At that point, you'll be going down the road that BeachMystress described. D/s relationships are always bittersweet, even if there is love involved.

quote:

ORIGINAL: BeachMystress

Falling in love with your submissive CAN alter the dynamic if you let it. I've seen this ruin several great relationships between Domme and their subs. The sub fell in love with an assertive, controlling woman who wasn't afraid to keep them in line and all of a sudden she stops. She can't bear the thought of hurting or being mean to the one she loves. While all relationships change over time, if an essential part of the relationship goes away you risk losing the relationship.

(in reply to BeachMystress)

Post #: 12

RE: Does a Domme's Empathy Conflict with Her Authority ... - 12/22/2007 7:00:32 AM

AFlyInYourWeb

Posts: 284
Joined: 8/30/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: scorpioqueen

How can I balance my feelings of caring and empathy toward my sub with my feelings of dominance and control?"
SQ

Are these really conflicting feelings?

I believe that D/s relationships are relationships where the power distribution is unconventional, and the means of expressing attention and affection are sometimes unconventional.

Your empathy for the submissive is expressed in the attention that you give to them, and in the manner in which you incorporate their feelings and desires into your daily life, including things like chores and play. You can expect cleaning and laundry service as your "due", but nowhere is it written that you cannot acknowledge the service with a smile and a simple "Good job". If it really was an extraordinary effort on the sub's part, reward them with some fetish play that you know arouses them and amuses you.

You can be empathetic and even loving and still be a Domina. You merely have to recognize and accept that your means of expressing your affection will be different than most women in the general population, and that any heads-up sub will recognize that and love you for that difference.

_____________________________

Stories: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=334308
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=335720
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(in reply to scorpioqueen)

Post #: 13

RE: Does a Domme's Empathy Conflict with Her Authority ... - 12/22/2007 7:57:54 AM

MystressDream

Posts: 345
Joined: 7/11/2004
From: Colorado
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AFlyInYourWeb

quote:

ORIGINAL: scorpioqueen

How can I balance my feelings of caring and empathy toward my sub with my feelings of dominance and control?"
SQ

Are these really conflicting feelings?

I believe that D/s relationships are relationships where the power distribution is unconventional, and the means of expressing attention and affection are sometimes unconventional.

Your empathy for the submissive is expressed in the attention that you give to them, and in the manner in which you incorporate their feelings and desires into your daily life, including things like chores and play. You can expect cleaning and laundry service as your "due", but nowhere is it written that you cannot acknowledge the service with a smile and a simple "Good job". If it really was an extraordinary effort on the sub's part, reward them with some fetish play that you know arouses them and amuses you.

You can be empathetic and even loving and still be a Domina. You merely have to recognize and accept that your means of expressing your affection will be different than most women in the general population, and that any heads-up sub will recognize that and love you for that difference.

Very well put. I think sometimes people get too wrapped up in playing the roles that define who and what they think they are, and who they think they want to be. I am a Dominant woman. Period. For me, there can't be a serious D/s, M/s relationship without love and empathy. I believe that if any Dom, regardless of gender, can maintain that "Bitch/Bastard from hell" mentality 24/7/365, they are in serious need of some professional help. We are people. If we choose to love, we shouldn't have to worry about every single action, word, or response fitting into the fantasy ideas of what a "Dom" or "sub" SHOULD be. I believe we should just go with the relationship. Grow in it, and love each other. How we choose to express that love is just different than the vanilla people out there. But, if we try to make it a big deal and try to force the "roles", then it becomes no more than an attempt to live in a fantasy world.

But, hey... that's just me... and the way I am. And, I won't change any of that to "fit" a role or idea of what any sub thinks I should be.

_____________________________

Knowledge and experience are wonderful things to share. When we stop asking questions, we might as well "hang it up".

check out: www.enclaveproductions.com
www.enclavewest.com

(in reply to AFlyInYourWeb)

Post #: 14

RE: Does a Domme's Empathy Conflict with Her Authority ... - 12/22/2007 8:18:38 AM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MystressDream

For me, there can't be a serious D/s, M/s relationship without love and empathy.

Hell yeah. There can't be a serious *vanilla* relationship without love and empathy, either. Just because you have a particular orientation, it doesn't mean that all the rules of basic human existence go out the window. Think of gay people you know. Some are masculine. Some are effeminate. Some are in relationships. Some swing. Pretty much all over the map. Orientation doesn't determine how you treat others -- or yourself.

(in reply to MystressDream)

Post #: 15

RE: Does a Domme's Empathy Conflict with Her Authority ... - 12/22/2007 5:13:46 PM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MystressDream

quote:

ORIGINAL: AFlyInYourWeb

quote:

ORIGINAL: scorpioqueen

How can I balance my feelings of caring and empathy toward my sub with my feelings of dominance and control?"
SQ

Are these really conflicting feelings?

I believe that D/s relationships are relationships where the power distribution is unconventional, and the means of expressing attention and affection are sometimes unconventional.

Your empathy for the submissive is expressed in the attention that you give to them, and in the manner in which you incorporate their feelings and desires into your daily life, including things like chores and play. You can expect cleaning and laundry service as your "due", but nowhere is it written that you cannot acknowledge the service with a smile and a simple "Good job". If it really was an extraordinary effort on the sub's part, reward them with some fetish play that you know arouses them and amuses you.

You can be empathetic and even loving and still be a Domina. You merely have to recognize and accept that your means of expressing your affection will be different than most women in the general population, and that any heads-up sub will recognize that and love you for that difference.

Very well put. I think sometimes people get too wrapped up in playing the roles that define who and what they think they are, and who they think they want to be. I am a Dominant woman. Period. For me, there can't be a serious D/s, M/s relationship without love and empathy. I believe that if any Dom, regardless of gender, can maintain that "Bitch/Bastard from hell" mentality 24/7/365, they are in serious need of some professional help. We are people. If we choose to love, we shouldn't have to worry about every single action, word, or response fitting into the fantasy ideas of what a "Dom" or "sub" SHOULD be. I believe we should just go with the relationship. Grow in it, and love each other. How we choose to express that love is just different than the vanilla people out there. But, if we try to make it a big deal and try to force the "roles", then it becomes no more than an attempt to live in a fantasy world.

But, hey... that's just me... and the way I am. And, I won't change any of that to "fit" a role or idea of what any sub thinks I should be.

Agreed. We are human beings before we are roles. Good post.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to MystressDream)

Post #: 16

RE: Does a Domme's Empathy Conflict with Her Authority ... - 12/22/2007 10:09:21 PM

scorpioqueen

Posts: 5
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline

I really very appreciate your feedback and helpful me understanding better. I will learn to aspect this subject. I understand that a general submissive are have morally to expect their feelings to be validated. I will communicate with my submissive about personal preference. I also ask my submissive to discussing of interest and need to have experience it and compromise together. Thank you
SQ

(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 17

RE: Does a Domme's Empathy Conflict with Her Authority ... - 12/23/2007 6:03:44 AM

MaamJay

Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline

Short answer ... no it needn't conflict, in fact it can help tremendously. The more you understand and empathise with a sub, the more You know when to push and when not to push, when to be harsh and when to be kind ... You can handle them much more efficiently.

Reading on, I see Tammyjo said much the same!

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to scorpioqueen)

Post #: 18

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