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CalliopePurple -> Honesty and Facades (8/20/2005 5:01:36 PM)
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Caution: Rambling, slightly off topic, post ahead.
Being honest with yourself is the best, and yet the most frightening, thing in your life. It's sometimes hard to look behind the facade you put up and discover what's on the inside because what's there may not be what you expect to find.
It's scary and relieving to admit to yourself after trying to deny it for however long that yes, you are bisexual, yes, you are kinky, yes, you are polyamorous, or even yes, that you find teenage girls extremely attractive. Knowing it does not compel you to act on it, however. Knowing your true nature - whatever that may be - only gives you more insight into why you do certain things or act a certain way.
Everyone has that facade, that front that they put up to shield other people from the innermost truths of their nature. Even if you wear your heart on your sleeve, there are just some things that will not be admitted to just anyone. I don't consider having a facade to be dishonest, it's merely a coping mechanism to get along in society.
And the people that don't appear to have anything to hide are viewed as eccentric or odd purely for the confidence it must take to be their true self at all times. If the confidence is fake, then that's the facade - seeming comfort where none to little is really there.
I lie to myself. Despite how much I know I should be honest when having internal debates, I can't always face the truth. It's frightening to know that the voice in the back of my head is right and that I'm just ignoring it to make life easier because one of these days, something is going to happen to let damn near everyone know what's I've been hiding.
My facade is optimism and innocence, when in truth there is eternal doubt, fear of the unknown, and a cruel streak most would consider me incapable of.
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