quote:

1) Get yourself a Male Dom Mentor. This is the person that will teach you etiquette, technique, protocol and safety.

quote:

5) Do not approach, talk to, or touch a submissive that is owned or collared by another Dominant unless you have permission from that Dominant. This is akin to someone else touching and sitting in your car.

quote:

will eventually become an emotional black hole in your life.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Elegant

Good thoughts..just a few things I wish to add:

Why a male dominant? Can a dominant person not take knowledgable advise and instruction from a female or a slave?

quote:

5) Do not approach, talk to, or touch a submissive that is owned or collared by another Dominant unless you have permission from that Dominant. This is akin to someone else touching and sitting in your car.

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

Since I did advice for novice female subs, I thought I'd be an equal opportunity lecturer. In no particular order and somewhat long:

1) Get yourself a Male Dom Mentor. This is the person that will teach you etiquette, technique, protocol and safety.

2) Many of the "toys" we use can cause permanent damage. The way to learn is not with a submissive firmly tied up at your feet. The best way to learn how to cane, use a single tail and flogger is frequently by using a pillow, chair or stuffed animal. Preferably with the help of a Mentor. (See thought #1)

3) There is a difference between domineering and Dominant. Webster's Dictionary says: Dominant - ruling or prevailing, Domineering - harsh, arrogant, tyrannizing, overbearing. Dominants shouldn't feel the need to be bullies. Take time to consciously understand how you come across to potential submissives.

4) Every submissive does not have to obey you or call you "Sir" just because you are a Dominant and they are a submissive.

5) Do not approach, talk to, or touch a submissive that is owned or collared by another Dominant unless you have permission from that Dominant. This is akin to someone else touching and sitting in your car.

6) Read everything you can on this lifestyle. There are some great books: "The Loving Dominant" "Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns" "Different Loving". The websites Castlerealm and Steeldoor are good resources as well.

7) Experienced submissives are good sources of information and will frequently help you pick your way through the mine field of being a novice Dominant. The internet has produced a "you're not real until you prove you are" attitude among the more experienced members of the community. So, if an experienced submissive tells you that what you're doing will alienate you from the community do not write off her advice merely because she is a submissive.

8) Uber Doms get made fun of by other Dominants and by submissives alike. If you walk around dressed entirely in black leather, look down your nose at other Dominant's techniques or submissives, demand courtesies and in general act like you are the end all and be all of Dominants, you will be treated like you're a horse's ass. This is called "Taking yourself too seriously".

9) Do not touch another Dominant's toys without permission. (See thought #5)

10) Just because we're kinky does not mean that we lack morals. So, if you think this is about easy sex and getting what you want, move on.

11) Respect limits. It's primary to trust, which is the basis of this lifestyle. It takes almost no time at all for the news to spread throughout the community of a Dom that knowingly and willingly violated a limit. You should also compile your own list of hard and soft limits. Believe me this will matter to you at some point.

12) Use safe words until you have some experience under your belt and you know your submissive or play partner extremely well. I recommend the Yellow = Slow down, let me breathe and figure this out and Red = stop right now method.

13) Do Not HARM. This means don't do physical damage with toys. Bruising is not harm, bleeding is not harm. Broken legs and stitches are harm. Don't do things that would psychologically harm your submissive.

14) Safety, safety, safety. Dead submissives do not serve. This means that you should have gone through everything in detail to see where the danger is and have means to counter act this danger. Safety scissors to cut rope and bonds, wet towels for fire play, ice for times when the swing goes a little wild.

15) Before you play with, contract or collar a submissive, negotiate. This is the time to lay out the expectations of the relationship, cover important details and go over hard and soft limits. This is the basis of your entire relationship. Print it out and sign it. It is best to know these things before you get into a committed relationship with someone. Example: A female sub told everyone that she knows that she wanted to have a baby since she was approaching 40. This included her Dominant, who did not want to have a baby. For some reason he was surprised when she came up pregnant and she was surprised when he bolted. This was something that should have been discussed before he collared her.

16) Beware the "Cinderella Submissive". This is the woman that can't possibly make a decision, can't run her life and is waiting for you to save her. She will not have a job, want to stay home 24/7, have been through a large number Dominants when compared to her number of years in the lifestyle, moved very quickly from relationship to relationship, frequently brags about how she is the Uber submissive or slave, and will eventually become an emotional black hole in your life. For obvious reasons, the BDSM D/s lifestyle works to her advantage.

17) The best place to meet people is at your local munches, socials and fetish events. I highly recommend getting involved and volunteering. Being constantly in the view of female submissives can't be all bad.

18) Saying "please" and "thank you" does not make you any less Dominant. In fact, in my eyes, it makes you a better Dominant, and a gentleman to boot. Example: My master opens doors for me. He does this for two reasons; A) it takes away some of my independence and B) he likes acting like a gentleman.

19) We're in this lifestyle because it makes us happy. If you take it too seriously, you will take all the fun out of it.

These are merely my opinions, your mileage may vary. I'm sure others will have things to add.

quote:

I think that writing lists like this actually cause more harm than good. These are your ideas, as you stated, but I will be happier when people keep these lists to themselves and their own personal choices and feel able to respond to specific questions set and asked by new dominants and submissive/slaves.

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

I really chalk most of these thoughts up to common courtesy and common sense. Again, these are just my thoughts accumulated over the years, not a list of rules. People can and will choose their own path.

quote:

5) Do not approach, talk to, or touch a submissive that is owned or collared by another Dominant unless you have permission from that Dominant. This is akin to someone else touching and sitting in your car.

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

Since I did advice for novice female subs, I thought I'd be an equal opportunity lecturer. In no particular order and somewhat long:

These are merely my opinions, your mileage may vary. I'm sure others will have things to add.

quote:

ORIGINAL: dark~angel

I think that writing lists like this actually cause more harm than good. These are your ideas, as you stated, but I will be happier when people keep these lists to themselves and their own personal choices and feel able to respond to specific questions set and asked by new dominants and submissive/slaves.

For one thing, it is sexist.

Morality is personal.

quote:



Number Sixteen is again, personal choice. There are some dominants who are white knights and princes and some cinderella submissives.Its just wrong to judge people like that for their kinks.

If taking BDSM or what they are seriously, makes a person happy - who is anyone to say otherwise?

I dont mean to pick apart your thread, and its nothing personal - I just dislike the whole concept of list suggestions. It can fuel the failacy of 'true and real' and at the same time, make others feel like they are not even close to a 'standard'.

Peace and Love

quote:

ORIGINAL: Veav

One interesting thing I'm seeing in here is there's no mention of walking a mile in the other role's shoes. I feel like it's - not necessarily a rule, but at least a very good idea to feel what the flogger's like before using it on someone else... what have people experienced along these lines?

See - this is brilliant advise.
It's not something that would be seen as 'usual' or even admitted by some people - but it has incredible wisdom in its thinking.

Thanks Veav - I think I might just start a fan club....


Peace and Love

quote:

ORIGINAL: Veav

One interesting thing I'm seeing in here is there's no mention of walking a mile in the other role's shoes. I feel like it's - not necessarily a rule, but at least a very good idea to feel what the flogger's like before using it on someone else... what have people experienced along these lines?

quote:

I try out floggers, canes, belts, etc, on myself before I use them on a bottom, more to gauge the effort-impact ratio than anything else. I have an incredibly high tolerance for sensation compared to some so it's not really helpful for developing an empathy with how it's going to feel on someone else.

Yes - but then not every submissive or slave has the same tolerance for pain either. (Lol - and you really have no idea of pain until you have given birth) - Its not about pain as much as the experience. And trying them out on yourself has its merits, but to have the experience of the other side is a different thing altogether.

Peace and Love

quote:


I dont mean to pick apart your thread, and its nothing personal - I just dislike the whole concept of list suggestions. It can fuel the failacy of 'true and real' and at the same time, make others feel like they are not even close to a 'standard'.