Question mostly for 24/7 types, but anyone can chime in... (Full Version)

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xxblushesxx -> Question mostly for 24/7 types, but anyone can chime in... (12/24/2007 9:15:25 AM)

So last night, just before HE fell asleep, Master commented to me that I was not as 'submissive' as the other two slaves He has owned.
What would your reaction be?
Finally, late this morning, I retorted that HE wasn't as strict as the other I have known as Master. (He already knows this, as I was seeing them both at the same time...with their knowledge and consent.)
I guess that I feel that who I am is being called into question, and it makes me wonder....
Am I not 'submissive' enough?
Should He have said that, when, as an analogy, most men wouldn't even think about telling their wives or girlfriends that an ex was better in bed, or a better cook, or better looking, would they?
The reason I'm asking 24/7 people is that I think they understand the ins and outs of an everyday relationship. Dealing with work, school, little ones and pets, not to mention just everyday petty annoyances.
It's easier to be submissive when you are visiting, and the only thing you have to worry about is being the best you can. Or when you're chatting online or on the phone with a potential Dom.
I'm feeling very insecure right now, and I know I have some pent-up hostility over this. And I know it was childish of me to mention my previous Master, but...I can be childish...*lol*
Perhaps I should ask Him what He would like that I am not doing.
Basically, I think it's just my attitude though. It's very difficult for me to be that open and submissive with anyone, because I feel that somehow I will be hurt. It's in my nature to be submissive, but, I fight it ALOT sometimes. (We've been together about 2 years now, btw) 
So...what would YOU do?
(Doms and Dommes are welcome to join this discussion, of course.)

Oh, and Happy Holidays to all!

~Christina



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Question mostly for 24/7 types, but anyone can chime in... (12/24/2007 9:29:37 AM)

Well it probably wasn't the wisest choice to make a comment like that, especially when there's no time to actually discuss it.  Comparisons between partners is a very sensitive ground to tread, especially when you're talking about CURRENT partners.

And you're right in that your response was inappropriate as well in that it just increased the negative and confused feelings going around.

So now is the time to sit down for a serious talk about what he meant.  You say "I felt really confused and insecure when you said that, I felt minimalized and unappreciated.  Can you explain what you meant by that?"

Remember it's not his job to take away your insecure feelings, it's his job to explain the truth of the statement in detail and allow you to process what that is.  If you let your anger take over and start throwing barbs at him again, you're simply sabotaging yourself.




hejira92 -> RE: Question mostly for 24/7 types, but anyone can chime in... (12/24/2007 9:32:36 AM)

Was a value statement implied? Does not being "as submissive" as the ones from the past inherently mean "bad" or "not as good"? Could it have been just an observation? I mean, who is he with now? And for two years? Not those ones that were "more submissive".
 
If a Dominant had a real problem, don't you think he would bring it up? If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
 
Insecurity rears its ugly head.



ShaktiSama -> RE: Question mostly for 24/7 types, but anyone can chime in... (12/24/2007 9:35:11 AM)

There are two desirable qualities that a bottom can have in a D/S relationship:  one is submission, but the other is spirit.

The balance between these two qualities is different in every submissive man and woman.  You do not need to feel offended because your master notes the difference between you and some other sub he has known--clearly if he regarded you as inferior, he would not be with you.  And I think your reaction to a perceived criticism--which was instant retaliation, was it not?--is clearly a sign that you have a heavy measure of "spirit" in your nature. [;)]

No need to think of this as a bad thing.  A lover with spirit can be a good thing, just as a horse with spirit can be a good thing.  It is a greater accomplishment and a greater reward to earn trust and service under those conditions.  It just takes more patience, love and strength of character from the dominant.  



xxblushesxx -> RE: Question mostly for 24/7 types, but anyone can chime in... (12/24/2007 10:43:06 AM)

Wow...what well thought out and excellent answers. I am sending this to Master, and perhaps we can discuss this tonight.
And actually, it took me all night and half the morning to come up with the 'retort' *lol* Ya know how someone says something to you, and hours or days later you think I should have said "___" well...I just went ahead and did it. *lol*
Luckilly, he thought it was funny when I brought up the 'other Master' or, you're right, it could have taken an ugly turn. (it helps that they speak on the phone on occasion, and that Master knows that I am faithful.) Plus, He knows just how eeeevil (mostly in a fun way) this other guy can be.
Thanks so much for the responses!!



AnimusRex -> RE: Question mostly for 24/7 types, but anyone can chime in... (12/24/2007 10:46:38 AM)

Fast Reply-
This sounds amazingly familiar; it sounds like the same sort of bickering fights all married couples go thru; Comparing her to a previous girlfriend is alike waving a red flag to a bull...even the most meek and timid slave will snarl and bite back, which you did.
I don't think this is about BDSM- and to make a larger point, most problems in a 24/7 BDSM relationship never are about BDSM; they are always about the same crap any couple living together has. Living with someone is hard, even if they perfectly match our sexual and psychological kink list.
My suggestion is just to be blunt- tell him how hurting his comment was, and apologize for your own cutting remark, and see if you can form a truce.



ownedgirlie -> RE: Question mostly for 24/7 types, but anyone can chime in... (12/24/2007 11:56:26 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: hejira92

Was a value statement implied? Does not being "as submissive" as the ones from the past inherently mean "bad" or "not as good"? Could it have been just an observation? I mean, who is he with now? And for two years? Not those ones that were "more submissive".
 


This is exactly my first reaction.  OK so maybe you're not "as submissive" as the others.  Does he want you to be?  Do you want to be?   Is he saying that because he wants you to improve?  Do you want to improve?  Is he happy with the way things are progressing with you?  Are there things you can be doing differently, so that he is happier?

I know it's really easy to be caught off guard by something that is said, and feel hurt by it.  Just the other day my Master made one of his snide little jokes to me (he thought it was funny anyway), and my response was to get really quiet and say, "That was really mean."  It wasn't mean - it was his normal sarcastic humor that I usually laugh at, but my head was in a sensitive place.

I know being compared to someone else, especially when it's "you're not as (insert abjective here) as so-n-so" can be difficult and bring up insecurities.  Lashing back is never a good idea, but you know that, it seems.  This definitely calls for some conversation.



rubberpet -> RE: Question mostly for 24/7 types, but anyone can chime in... (12/24/2007 12:30:26 PM)

There is no standard or cookie-cutter scale to rate submissiveness.  It is just who you are.  If your master doesn't think you are submissive enough, then he either needs to change and evaluate things on his end or get off your case and let you be the submissive you are at heart.  Either way, things are not your fault, so no need to feel self-conscious. [:)]



hisannabelle -> RE: Question mostly for 24/7 types, but anyone can chime in... (12/24/2007 12:33:56 PM)

greetings blushes,

all you can be is who you are. if there's something that he would like you to do - he needs to TELL you that. as my master would say, comparisons don't matter...i'm very different from many of the women he has been with in a lot of different ways, but as he puts it, he deals with who i am. now. and if there's something he wants me to do that i'm not doing, he tells me - but he would not imagine comparing me to someone else he's been with because our relationship is our relationship.

if i were in your position, i would ask him what he means by that comment, and if it's a problem (if it is a value statement) - and then ask if it is, what he would like you to change. i'd also apologize for the response you had, because although understandable, i agree that it was inappropriate.  

respectfully,
annabelle.



DesFIP -> RE: Question mostly for 24/7 types, but anyone can chime in... (12/24/2007 4:53:15 PM)

I'd remind him that he knew exactly what I was like from the beginning and if he found me a make-do until he was ready to find a twue submissive, he was welcome to start looking immediately.

That's an extremely hurtful comment, especially when said at a time when he did not plan to discuss it, instead to insure you would have a bad night at an already stressful time.

But if he thought that a barb like that is likely to make you more submissive, then he needs a lot of help relationship wise. You mention that you have trouble opening up fully, comments like that are a good reason why you shouldn't be fully vulnerable to him. He's already proved that he will harm you emotionally.

Ball's in his court, imo.



Rushemery -> RE: Question mostly for 24/7 types, but anyone can chime in... (12/24/2007 5:09:39 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx
Should He have said that, when, as an analogy, most men wouldn't even think about telling their wives or girlfriends that an ex was better in bed, or a better cook, or better looking, would they?

~Christina



Depends on if they ask and honesty is the key even when it hurts. maybe he mentioned that because he felt you were ready to hear it so it may open up a conversation between the two of you and its his way for you to think about it before your talk or he wanted to see your reaction before the talk as well that way if you reacted badly he could just go to sleep or go home



KatyLied -> RE: Question mostly for 24/7 types, but anyone can chime in... (12/24/2007 5:12:28 PM)

quote:

What would your reaction be?


Two years ago I would've thought the world had come to and end and that I was displeasing.  The way I feel today, I'd say something like "I'm sorry if that disappoints you, but I'm being the best at who I am and I won't pretend to be more submissive just because you've made that comment."



Sirandlil1 -> RE: Question mostly for 24/7 types, but anyone can chime in... (12/24/2007 7:40:47 PM)



So last night, just before HE fell asleep, Master commented to me that I was not as 'submissive' as the other two slaves He has owned.
What would your reaction be?

My reaction: Beg forgiveness and try alot harder to be better and more pleasing


Finally, late this morning, I retorted that HE wasn't as strict as the other I have known as Master.

My reaction:" you need to Run and get your Masters belt for He will be needing it

I guess that I feel that who I am is being called into question, and it makes me wonder....
Am I not 'submissive' enough?

My reaction:     you have to wonder???


Should He have said that, when, as an analogy, most men wouldn't even think about telling their wives or girlfriends that an ex was better in bed, or a better cook, or better looking, would they?

My reaction:     Masters are not "most men"

The reason I'm asking 24/7 people is that I think they understand the ins and outs of an everyday relationship. Dealing with work, school, little ones and pets, not to mention just everyday petty annoyances.
It's easier to be submissive when you are visiting, and the only thing you have to worry about is being the best you can. Or when you're chatting online or on the phone with a potential Dom.

My reaction:    Who ever said being owned was easy??


I'm feeling very insecure right now, and I know I have some pent-up hostility over this. And I know it was childish of me to mention my previous Master, but...I can be childish...*lol*

My reaction:      Daaa ...perhaps you should speak with him??????


Perhaps I should ask Him what He would like that I am not doing.
Basically, I think it's just my attitude though. It's very difficult for me to be that open and submissive with anyone, because I feel that somehow I will be hurt. It's in my nature to be submissive, but, I fight it ALOT sometimes. (We've been together about 2 years now, btw) 
So...what would YOU do?

My reaction:     ~Christinate   - see my responses above  ...some tongue in cheek ..some just me being Me



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Question mostly for 24/7 types, but anyone can chime in... (12/24/2007 8:35:09 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sirandlil1
What would your reaction be?

My reaction: Beg forgiveness and try alot harder to be better and more pleasing

See I hate when subs do that.  It shows such a lack of communication, shows a serious insecurity in their sense of strength and how I perceive them.  Sometimes I'm just making a general comment, I don't want you PRESUMING that I mean it as a put down or suggestion or anything at all.

If I'm being displeased, I say it.  You promising to be more pleasing suggests that you know I'm displeased and somehow will know how to be more pleasing.  Lots of drama and gun jumping over what could be nothing more than a simple observation- perhaps even a compliment!



MsCfromMelbourne -> RE: Question mostly for 24/7 types, but anyone can chime in... (12/24/2007 8:39:31 PM)

I am not submissive, so my instant answer (with one raised eyebrow) would be "and what are WE going to about that?"

You are not born with some magic fixed submissiveness level!  I am sure your Dom is a good Dom, but if you are not "submissive enough" for his liking, is he Dominating you enough?  Or has the novelty worn off a bit for him after 2 years?

D/s is a duet for two and the degrees of power exchange ebb and flow over time.  Submissives are not Stepford wives.

But maybe he loves you just the way you are - a bit feistier and independent than previous subs.  That might be why he is still with you after 2 years. 

I would not jump to the conclusion "more" submissive is "better".



happypervert -> RE: Question mostly for 24/7 types, but anyone can chime in... (12/24/2007 9:09:14 PM)

I wonder how he goes about measuring submission? I suspect he really means you may have a mind of your own compared to the dummies he's been with before, but he isn't smart enough to realize that having a mind of your own and being submissive are two independent characteristics instead of one.



crouchingtigress -> RE: Question mostly for 24/7 types, but anyone can chime in... (12/24/2007 9:14:38 PM)

quote:

Perhaps I should ask Him what He would like that I am not doing.

quote:

Should He have said that,?


my teacher would tell me to stop shoulding all over myself.



quote:

So...what would YOU do?


i would do a check in with myself, and decide who i am , who i want to become and whether i was heading in that direction or not.




juliaoceania -> RE: Question mostly for 24/7 types, but anyone can chime in... (12/24/2007 9:29:24 PM)

If I was told something like this my reaction most probably would have been different. I would have asked him what he meant by this, and I may have gotten tearful over such a comparison.. it is not easy to put me down like that, I tend to wear my heart on my sleave often and just cry rather than "retorting" these days.

I can imagine he would make a statement like this if he thought that I was less submissive than past submissives... but if he said it I would not necessarily think of it as an insult.. perhaps your qualities please him more. Being more submissive should not necessarily be a goal for everyone in every relationship...

If you feel it was meant as an insult, I would have to ask, why would he want to insult you?



flowspen -> RE: Question mostly for 24/7 types, but anyone can chime in... (12/24/2007 10:41:14 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

It's very difficult for me to be that open and submissive with anyone, because I feel that somehow I will be hurt. It's in my nature to be submissive, but, I fight it ALOT sometimes.


Maybe he sees you fighting your submission and not giving into it.  That resistance can come off like not as submissive.  It seems like you two have a great relationship and I am sure with open communication it will become a non issue.



LittleWench -> RE: Question mostly for 24/7 types, but anyone can chime in... (12/25/2007 1:45:09 AM)

If it were me, I would have asked him what he was doing thinking about another woman when he was lying there next to me.  [:D]



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