another confused newbie

another confused newbie (Full Version)

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giveeverything -> another confused newbie (12/27/2007 1:54:43 PM)
Okay... here's my story. I met a local guy online. I checked him out, sent emails, talked on the phone, met in a public place. He knew that I'm new to this and what my limits are. I like (and have experienced before) extreme pain, blah blah blah. The very first session with him he beat me, which I liked, but left my face bruised (noticably, finger marks). He was apologetic and I bruise easily... so I didn't think much of that. The next play session, our second time, more of the same but then out of nowhere, without us ever talking about it, he put a plastic bag over my head, held it around my throat three different times. Confusion is.. I liked it at the time and it scared the shit out of me. In retrospect it really scared me. When I told him that it scared me he kind of indicated that since I like choking.... well... and this is much safer than choking. He said, I'll never do it again.. but it was an unsatisfying conversation and I kind of shut down and couldn't talk about it much more. Am I over reacting, because that's how I feel right now. Two BDSM friends of mine say don't see him again. I feel like I let it go too fast too soon. I feel like I might have sent him a message that this is what I wanted (because I like the controlled feeling of being choked). I checked him out throughly, asked him questions, had a safety-call plan. And now feel confused by it all. I know I should have done more to insure my safety... I'll admit that. And you know not many people to discuss this with. Maybe you can all give me your take on the situation (and it's okay to tell me I'm naive and whatnot... I know already.... it's a learning experience).

FRSguy -> RE: another confused newbie (12/27/2007 2:02:03 PM)
Hard to tell from what you have posted. Sounds like you liked the experience but he was a little over the top for you... Try talking to him more about what he likes and what you like and so on... I can see where you might be confusing him.

somethingnew -> RE: another confused newbie (12/27/2007 2:04:01 PM)
Wow, sorry you had a bad experience, i am also fairly new (just under a year) but i've been very lucky with the people i've played with. One thing i didn't see in your post is that they two of you sat down and negotiated the scene. Which means what you are willing to do and what you aren't. Especially when playing with someone you don't know or have never played with. You should always discuss what type of play will happen in the scene and definite limits. You should also be very clear about safe words and what they mean. For instance if you do enjoy breath control, i,e, choking, you need to agree how it will be done and to what extent. There are a number of resources online but i would encourage you to get involved with a local organization, make friends, especially with other subs who can provide some mentorship for you. They can also help you screen potential play partners that they trust and/or have played with to help you get some additional experience. Hope this helps!

SeeksOnlyOne -> RE: another confused newbie (12/27/2007 2:05:18 PM)
i have found that when i ignore the little voices in my head, screaming at me, i always get in trouble......you are not a youngster......id say go with what your gut is telling you.

Raechard -> RE: another confused newbie (12/27/2007 2:06:22 PM)
If you are willing to play without discussion first then you are taking a risk with your life. You don’t need anyone here to tell you that because you know yourself. It’s easy exciting someone by not telling them what is going to happen to them, the real skill is exciting them after you have said what you are going to do to them. It’s a discussion, a negotiation of limits not one person treating the other as a blind animal. I could be wrong it wouldn’t be the first time, whatever floats your boat I suppose. A good job you didn’t have some medical condition such as a weak heart or asthma isn’t it?

HottLicks -> RE: another confused newbie (12/27/2007 2:09:55 PM)
I guess I am not sure of what you are asking. You summed it up pretty well in that you might need some time to digest it all and figure things out and it is a learning experience, but I am not understanding what we can do for you. What is it that you are having a hard time with?

DesFIP -> RE: another confused newbie (12/27/2007 2:18:06 PM)
You may just be coming at this from opposite ends of the spectrum. Meaning that you can look at what you're willing to do as inclusive or exclusive. When you gave him the list of stuff you were interested in did you say you only wanted to try what was on your list and exclude everything else? Which, personally, I think of as the best way to start. But more experienced types look at your hard limit list and say you'll do everything but that. Did you talk in detail about what you wanted, what he wanted? Because he should have led this sort of discussion, being more experienced. If he didn't, either he isn't as knowledgable as he claims or he was only interested in getting another notch on his belt. For now, if you might want to see him again, tell him exactly what you're willing to do and that you aren't ready to do anything else at all. Basically hard limit everything that you don't give a green light to, and make it clear you're doing this because you don't have enough trust in him to give him free rein. If he's a good guy, he'll accept this and be willing to work within your limitations. If he's only interested in his own desires, he won't. Either way, you know more about how to approach this next time.

anowner -> RE: another confused newbie (12/27/2007 2:23:22 PM)
One thing that stands out to me here is that, while this guy may be a little clueless (not a good quality in someone doing breath play), he's probably not malicious, just inexperienced. On checking out your profile, I see that you're looking for a man who can "take you to the edge", and this guy has, just not very skillfully. If you like him well enough, I'd say he's worth discussing this with and, depending on the conversation, maybe going forward with him.

ligar59 -> RE: another confused newbie (12/27/2007 2:32:58 PM)
the way I see it, he broke one of the cardinal rules... Failure to get consent. the fact that you enjoyed it is not the issue, you could have just as easily hated it. what else might he try without your consent? Next time, the outcome may not be as pleasant

PanthersMom -> RE: another confused newbie (12/27/2007 2:56:53 PM)
edge play is great if that's what you're into, but do not forget that a good portion of it requires negotiating signals, limits to which that edge will be approached and so on. it sounds like you did very little as far as discussing these issues, just jumped in and expected everything to be ok. maybe a little more preparation is in order. maybe you're not quite as ready for what he wants to do as you think you are. this is something to think about, not necessarily a red flag, but definitely a caution. PM

laurell3 -> RE: another confused newbie (12/27/2007 3:00:14 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: somethingnew Wow, sorry you had a bad experience, i am also fairly new (just under a year) but i've been very lucky with the people i've played with. One thing i didn't see in your post is that they two of you sat down and negotiated the scene. Which means what you are willing to do and what you aren't. Especially when playing with someone you don't know or have never played with. You should always discuss what type of play will happen in the scene and definite limits. You should also be very clear about safe words and what they mean. For instance if you do enjoy breath control, i,e, choking, you need to agree how it will be done and to what extent. There are a number of resources online but i would encourage you to get involved with a local organization, make friends, especially with other subs who can provide some mentorship for you. They can also help you screen potential play partners that they trust and/or have played with to help you get some additional experience. Hope this helps! Agreed. OP the problem as I see it from what you have posted is that you didn't clearly negotiate what you will and will not do with someone new, however, it's still a two-way street. Breathplay is fine if you are into and with someone that knows what they are doing and knows you and your reactions and limitations. I sure wouldn't engage in it with someone that I didn't know that well personally on either side of the role spectrum. Even if they are not hard permanent limits you do have the right and should (in my opinion) negotiate what beginning play between the two of you will be. Until someone has a good feel for you and you for them, I sure wouldn't be doing the things you are with them personally and in a D role, I sure as hell wouldn't put a bag over someone's head without fully talking to them about it first. He's not a mind reader, you need to sit down and talk to him with your clothes on. My reaction to the facial bruising is that he shouldn't be engaging in any play that may leave visible marks without knowing first how easily you do or do not bruise.

anowner -> RE: another confused newbie (12/27/2007 3:13:08 PM)
I'm not saying she's necessarily right, but PanthersMom has a good point when she says, "Maybe you're not quite as ready for what he wants to do as you think you are."

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: another confused newbie (12/27/2007 3:49:25 PM)
My issue is this is two strikes in a row- that to me shows enough of a tendency for everyone to get wrapped up in the scene beyond rationality mixed with a top who WILL push mixed with her feeling confused overwhelmed and now obviously worried. That's enough for me to say "Hey Mr, keep it to the basic stuff first and then we'll see where this goes" for maybe one more scene to see if he can really control a scene. If he can't, then just end it. Of course that also means you have to be willing to say no to your own body and hormones during a scene and stop as well.

MasterFireMaam -> RE: another confused newbie (12/27/2007 6:21:44 PM)
It's ok that you liked it. It's not ok that he did it without discussing it with you. The latter is something worth thinking about much more. Master Fire

Thalamus -> RE: another confused newbie (12/28/2007 4:25:04 AM)
Putting a plastic bag over your head is completely different to ‘just’ choking. It invokes mostly an entirely different set of responses (some are similar if choking is involved, granted), particularly if this had not been discussed prior to your scene. You might be into edge play and this could have been a method of inducing that but at the end of the day it all comes down to a lack of communication prior to the scene. Perhaps that is something you should both take responsibility for, learn a lesson from it (god knows we’ve all learned our fair share over time!) and be thankful you weren’t seriously hurt or worse. What to do now? Take your time. There’s no rush and if the guy is a decent guy then he’s not going anywhere and will work the issues through with you to whatever conclusion you reach.

sirguym -> RE: another confused newbie (12/28/2007 5:31:32 AM)
I second everything that has been said. What he did was extremely dangerous and ill-advised. Please, for your own sake, tTake a step back, consciously make the decision to not decide whether to see him or not and work through your own feelings until you are sure what you want to do. Personally I'd advise you never to see him again; but you must make your own decision, for your own reasons.

TallDarkAndWitty -> RE: another confused newbie (12/28/2007 7:24:06 AM)
Ok, I am going to play a bit of devil's advocate here. What, exactly is the problem? He did something (albeit un-negotiated, but obviously not on any of her stated "hard limits") kinda edgy, and, from her own words, she "liked it at the time and it scared the shit" out of her. When she discussed it with him later, and indicated that it was a bit much, he said he would never do it again. It seems to me that this is exactly how things should work, even with people who have been playing for years. He didn't ignore a safeword or send her to the hospital. He tried something and she liked it...where is the crime? I think the OP might want to think about how she could like something and at the same time have it scare the shit out of her. Maybe this guy taped into something that could be further explored. Taggard

TallDarkAndWitty -> RE: another confused newbie (12/28/2007 7:28:01 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ligar59 the way I see it, he broke one of the cardinal rules... Failure to get consent. Bullshit on a stick. He tried something and she responded to it in a positive manner. On reflection, it scared her. This is not a question of consent. If anything it is a question of "how many dates do you have to go on before you try something kinda edgy?" Taggard

mnottertail -> RE: another confused newbie (12/28/2007 7:30:23 AM)
I will have to echo the sentiments of the dancing dom, here. EXACTLY. Good post Wittster--cogent and concise and most of all CORRECT. Ron

DesFIP -> RE: another confused newbie (12/28/2007 7:58:01 AM)
The problem is that he knew she didn't have any idea about it because she's brand new. That he didn't pay attention to her responses and back off when she got scared. How was she supposed to safeword when she was being suffocated? Did he even think of giving her an alternate way of stopping things when she couldn't talk? Hell no. He did what he wanted to do knowing she was several pages behind him. At the best it makes him clueless, at the worst it makes him a selfish user. Either way it doesn't make him someone who anyone would be desperate to see again.

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