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Communication - 8/21/2005 7:17:38 AM

RiotGirl

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i need to learn how to communicate and i cant.

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RE: Communication - 8/21/2005 7:33:40 AM

mnottertail

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Cou' ya gi'e us a wee bit more information here, lassie? Before we ha'e at ya?

Ron

(In my scotty mood after the posts)

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RE: Communication - 8/21/2005 7:33:43 AM

DesertRat

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What has happened to make you believe a problem exists? What kinds of communication problems are you having? Can you give an example?

Bob

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RE: Communication - 8/21/2005 7:44:25 AM

Mercnbeth

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Talk in the dark, either with eyes closed or ideally on your back, in a comfy bed, with soft music, by the light of a few candles. You'd be surprised the effect of not seeing directly the person you want to communicate. Kind-a like an in-person chat room.

Listen. Don't immediately react to anything said as a rebuttal or comment. Take a breath, a drink, and ponder not only the words but the emotion they were conveyed.

Ask questions. Don't assume meaning. Restate in a way you understood the comment and make sure you have the proper meaning.

Appreciate emotions when they show up; yours/his/whoever. When they get too intense, say so. Not just little tear emotions, but the full blown emotional outburst. The logic part of the brain has shut down at this point. Defer any more serious decisions, blow your nose, go to the bathroom, take a deep breath, and wait for the "atl-ctrl-delete" function to re-boot.

Ideally, try and have a goal. Not try and have a "point", but a goal. What is it that needs communicating? Is it physical, emotional, support, the job, the kids, etc? Then try to FOCUS on that goal. Be aware of interjecting tangents; "you're just like your mother/sister/friend"; is NOT a problem solving comment.

Good luck!

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RE: Communication - 8/21/2005 8:45:45 AM

kyakitten

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RiotGirl,

Yes you can. And it gets easier as you get older.

To Merc's outstanding advice, I'd add:

Be careful about reading messages into someone else' words or silences. Your internal default thought patterns contribute to how you hear things. For example, if one is inclined to think he's being deserted, a silence is likely to unintentionally trigger that fear. If one is inclined to think she's worthless, then any innocent comment like "that doesn't make any sense" can reaffirm that self-esteem gap. Fight your defaults by learning what they are, so that when you feel them being triggered, you can do a reality check using all the information around you.

If there's a time of day when you typically fight, agree not to get into tough discussions then. If something comes up, try to save it for a time when both of you are rested. Listen to your body when emotions start to grow - if you're irritable because you're hungry, thirsty, tired, crampy, overstimulated, etc., fix that situation first.

Keep a journal. When you have another outlet for your emotions it's easier to keep cool in conversation. Figure out what your personal time-out routine is - something you can count on reliably to help you press that mental reset button, whether it's a jog, a walk, singing, pounding on a musical instrument, carpentry, painting, brushing your cat. Use it.

Good luck. No one is perfect at this stuff.... we all live and learn.

< Message edited by kyakitten -- 10/5/2005 9:10:53 PM >

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RE: Communication - 8/21/2005 10:21:32 AM

greenie

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i don't know about you riotgirl but i have trouble communicating only because i have trouble putting my thoughts in to words. i think in mental images and emotions and getting my point across takes work so when i have something that needs to be communicated i try to take time to work my thoughts out, come up with the words needed to express what i need to say...i even come up with ideas as to the other persons response so that i'll have the necessary words ready. If i try to communicate w/o giving myself time to think beforehand then my words come out all wrong and i end up with my foot in my mouth or a hole that gets deeper and deeper. So my suggestion is to take time to think out what you need to communicate and if necessary take down notes to reflect on just before the appointed communication time.

< Message edited by greenie -- 8/21/2005 10:22:29 AM >

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RE: Communication - 8/21/2005 10:37:01 AM

tuttalila

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YES

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth
Ask questions. Don't assume meaning. Restate in a way you understood the comment and make sure you have the proper meaning.

and YES

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyakitten
Be careful about reading messages into someone else' words or silences. Your internal default thought patterns contribute to how you hear things. For example, if one is inclined to think he's being deserted, a silence is likely to unintentionally trigger that fear. If one is inclined to think she's worthless, then any innocent comment like "that doesn't make any sense" can reaffirm that self-esteem gap. Fight your defaults by learning what they are, so that when you feel them being triggered, you can do a reality check using all the information around you.

ALSO,
• sometimes it's easier to write a letter than tell someone face-to-face.
• If you try to ground yourself (take a few deep breaths, go for a run, whatever works for you) before you try to express what it is you want to talk about, I find that really helps me focus my thoughts. And when you know what it is you want to say, communicating it feels less forced (in my experience).

All the best,
Lila

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RE: Communication - 8/21/2005 11:55:44 AM

perverseangelic

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Talking via IM (even when we're sitting next to each other) helps my partner and I. I can say things in print I have trouble verbalizing.

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RE: Communication - 8/22/2005 12:44:17 AM

FangsNfeet

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There are three things you can do that I know will help.

1. For socialization skills, try selling Kurby Vacum Cleaners.

2. Read the book "Dealing with the 10 most diffult people you can't stand"

3. Read the book "Jump START your Brain."

Other than that, I've also learned communication skills by watching Medical Doctors talk to patients and families to give good, bad, and ugly news.

From what I can tell, you've been a great communications person here on the net. You even have the courage to go out in public to beat up your own car. Work has always told me to give service with a smile. So remember that politness, curtosy, and sometimes just being quiet will get you far.

I have one assignment for you RG and I hope that your master will occur with it.

Go to every shopping store in your area. Go to the first employee you see. Extend your hand for a handshake and while smileling say "Why hello, I'm _____. and would like to know how to go about to apply here for work." No matter how they respond say "Thank you very much, I'll look into that later." and leave.

If you would care for a 2nd assignment, try this on for size.

Dress up in your most expensive clothes. Go to a BMW or Jaguar dealership. Go "Greetings, I'm ______. I've just graduated with my Masters in Business and I'm about to marry my fiance who just got a big promotion with Viacom. We just bought a house west of here and are also looking for new cars. I'd like to test drive one or two of your newest models and have my decission made by next week."

I have faith that you can do it.

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RE: Communication - 8/22/2005 10:20:09 AM

RiotGirl

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geez, i completely forgot i wrote this. And i got all into it in the "general" section. should of not as i've gotten such AWESOME advice. Merc n beth, your advice is always outstanding. i will try the eyes closed thing. that'll prolly help tremendously! thank you everyone for awesome advice!

Fangs, LOL with the assignments. i'm sure i can pull of the first one, but the second....... LOL

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RE: Communication - 8/22/2005 8:31:19 PM

Gauge

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quote:

i need to learn how to communicate and i cant.

You seem to be able to communicate well from what I have read of your posts. There are many ways to learn to communicate more effectively the best advice I can give you is practice, practice, practice. Do you keep a journal? If not, try doing that. Take time to write in it every day. After you are done writing for that day, put the journal away for an hour or so and then go back and read what you wrote. See if your thoughts flow in a coherent manor. If not, then concentrate on making them fit together and flow. If you so desire, allow someone else to read your journal and have them offer a critique of your writing, not the subject matter.

As far as talking is concerned, I agree with the advice of talking in the dark or not facing someone. The proverbial image of the patient lying on the psychiatrist's couch is actually a therapy technique. It allows the person to share their thoughts without hindrance of visual feedback from the other person. If you think about when you talk about something very intense, most people have the tendency to look away from the other person for a short time when discussing something like that. It is the same dynamic at work when you don't face the person you are talking to.

If all else fails and you don't think you are communicating well, just make silly faces at the other person and walk away.

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