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help needed - 12/27/2007 11:45:07 PM

herpreferance

Posts: 5
Joined: 12/27/2007
Status: offline

Hello all im fairly new to the submissive end of things and have a problem that you all might be able to help me with(im going to get right to the point.)
Within in the last few weeks I have been accepted into service by a wonderful Domme. It’s a subs dream come true. But here is the thing, within the last week I seem have been doing all I can do to screw it up. My head certainly is not in the right space and I seem to have reverted back to past bad behaviors(what they are would take to long to explain just suffice to say they are not good) its not that I do it consciously, it kind of just happens, arguing, temper tantrums, feeling im being neglected. All the things that indicate a spoiled brat.
I want this relationship to work badly, very much so; and I need to get my stuff together before its too late. One way to put It :I may be intellectually ready, be it seems im not emotionally ready. I need to get on with the emotion thing. And get past my fears, I am after all asking another to take care of my well being. And being your typical adult(in most ways) male in the good ole us of a it bothers me a bit to have that control given to another, even though I trust her with my life. Now go figure that statement out.
So any insight or advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you

Post #: 1

RE: help needed - 12/27/2007 11:54:03 PM

Daddysredhead

Posts: 23574
Joined: 11/6/2005
From: Northern (yet still part of the South) Virginia
Status: offline

It happens sometimes. The head and the heart are not always going at the same speed. If you can do some soul-searching, try to see what roadblocks need to be set aside for this relationship to have the best chance of survival. Also note that being honest about your feelings and the conflicting parts of you is crucial. Tell her right away so that she may know what is going on, may be able to help you figure things out, or may just want to put things on hold for a bit so you can take that step forward without any hesitation and without bringing bad habits into a new relationship and have it start off on the wrong foot.

Hope that helps you a bit.

~ DRH

typo

< Message edited by Daddysredhead -- 12/27/2007 11:55:19 PM >

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Founding Member, Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's

Do not challenge me to a battle of wits & come to fight unarmed.

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(in reply to herpreferance)

Post #: 2

RE: help needed - 12/28/2007 1:45:56 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

Working through fear doesn't happen overnight. It simply takes time. Talk to her about your feelings about your own behavior. Then, start to focus on the WHY behind your feelings. WHY do you through tantrums? When you figure out why, you can start to correct it.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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Ms Relationship Books
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BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to herpreferance)

Post #: 3

RE: help needed - 12/28/2007 6:20:08 AM

ksub4u

Posts: 124
Joined: 11/27/2007
Status: offline

I think you answered your question of 'why' in the first line of your post. You're 'fairly new' ... the emotional side of you may need time to catch up with what the intellectual side has accepted. I'd talk with your Domme, explain your confusion and work through it with her. Good luck!

(in reply to herpreferance)

Post #: 4

RE: help needed - 12/28/2007 6:56:07 AM

parttimehotty

Posts: 4002
Joined: 11/19/2007
From: Virginville
Status: offline

Wow, i had to look/see who the author was to make sure i didn't write this/forget! Except for the part about being a "man", you have echoed my feelings EXACTLY!! i, too will lash out and revert back to my "vanilla cunt" ways and it has definitely taken its toll on this relationship, but i did discuss it w/my hopefully Dom to be numerous times and while He does understand, He is very wisely just sitting back/watching, throwing out new ways to serve/submit and gauging my responses. W/we have not discussed my returning to Him for a few months, merely checking on my progress. i compare it to 2 animals circling each other, sizing each other up before either jumping in for the kill, or curling up together and purring contendly. i definitely encourage constant communication w/your Domme and if you're able to take a step back and take a deep breath before lashing out as a brat, do that too. Good luck!

_____________________________

Resident Virgin
Official Mommy of Jolly & Jilly

Nobody is 'dead' until nobody remembers them
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Post #: 5

RE: help needed - 12/28/2007 11:21:24 AM

jakeskajira

Posts: 87
Joined: 9/19/2007
Status: offline

I think this website/essay would help you, it is all about reactance, which is what I think you are currently experiencing. It does get easier with time...

http://www.enslavement.org.uk/reactance

Regards,
slave emma

(in reply to parttimehotty)

Post #: 6

RE: help needed - 12/28/2007 12:58:12 PM

parttimehotty

Posts: 4002
Joined: 11/19/2007
From: Virginville
Status: offline

Thank you, i'll definitely take a look at this site ;)

_____________________________

Resident Virgin
Official Mommy of Jolly & Jilly

Nobody is 'dead' until nobody remembers them
http://www.chkittyclub.com/pages/home.html
http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com/clickToGive/home.faces?siteId=3&ThirdPartyClicks=ThankYouCar

(in reply to jakeskajira)

Post #: 7

RE: help needed - 12/28/2007 1:00:57 PM

jakeskajira

Posts: 87
Joined: 9/19/2007
Status: offline

I hope it helps, it certainly has helped me and numerous others I know! --- It is not always easy reaching your goal or destination, but sometimes the journey itself is half the fun, and half the battle!

Warm wishes,
slave emma

(in reply to parttimehotty)

Post #: 8

RE: help needed - 12/28/2007 1:03:33 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

When I started pulling back, his response has always been to loosen the reins, and go slower. If I couldn't handle one thing, he'd table it for a while and switch to something else. That instinctive reaction has always meant he's going too fast for me. Luckily he could see that and adapt his schedule to my needs.

Talk to her. Because if she's asking for too much, too fast, then it is natural for you to pull back.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

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Post #: 9

RE: help needed - 12/28/2007 2:57:05 PM

BloodLuna

Posts: 403
Joined: 10/28/2007
Status: offline

luna has belonged to the same wonderful, patient Master for 2 years now and recently took the step from owned submissive to TPE slave girl. let luna tell you- she suffers the same things - with a man she trusts, loves and respects. for some people submission is an internal struggle against the self and the ego's control issues. the key for luna has been to recognize when she is struggling, against who, and what. most of the time luna finds that she is not struggling agaisnt the master himself, but against her own internal insecurities and fears of how "weak" it is to submit (luna used to be a Mistress) Realize - this girl is saying her own insecurities and not that it is weak to submit - but that sometimes she feels weak for doing so. that causes her to lash out, brat, and tantrum. sometimes it requires Master's gentle understanding and loving touch to comfort her. Master reminds luna that he sees her as strong willed, brave and loyal for kneeling at his feet, not when it is easy, but when it is internally difficult. Sometimes it requires a day of solitude for luna to look at herself and her fears and question herself deeply. many times she finds something small (or big) from her past - a comment from someone insensitive, a way she had been treated by someone with a dominant nature etc . . . that causes her to feel that way.

remember that you are not resisting your dom/me as much as you are resisting yourself. when that happens shut your mouth, breathe deeply, close your eyes, and hold yourself for a moment. luna's favorite mantra for this situation is "I have given of myself all ready. resistance is futile" (god bless the borg LOL)

good luck.
luna

_____________________________

"Old goths never die, they just need less makeup"

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 10

RE: help needed - 12/28/2007 3:44:11 PM

trueshadow

Posts: 388
Joined: 1/1/2005
Status: offline

I would take things slowly and explain to your Domme your concerns and feelings if you can articulate them. I'd share at least some of that with her. You say you trust her, now is the time to see if you can.

If she's chose you to be a slave, she will be interested in having in work out as well. It will take honesty and hard work for you. You do need to concentrate and serve her the best way you know how.

Communication is vital, and accepting that you are a sub/slave and you really want it to work out will hopefully put your head in the right place.

Having a Domme is a blessing to you.

(in reply to herpreferance)

Post #: 11

RE: help needed - 12/28/2007 3:59:48 PM

sweetstorm

Posts: 227
Joined: 5/3/2004
Status: offline

Talk to your Domme about it and let her know that you aren't doing this intentionally and that you'd like her help and guidance to work through it. If she can work with you through it, it will help to make your relationship that much stronger.

_____________________________

You don't need a parachute to skydive.

You need a parachute to skydive twice.

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Post #: 12

RE: help needed - 12/28/2007 4:21:14 PM

petpete

Posts: 677
Joined: 7/6/2007
Status: offline

Dear herpreferance... This is something that i am experiencing this moment.. While i am capable of giving everything i own on a materialistic level it is hard for me especially when i tend to do the online alone to have my submissive self come out. i am trying to find answers to that myself and while i started the right way (from my point of view) about myself i wasn't comfortable enough to accept the terms my present Mistress that has decided to take me on and i am finding myself backfiring now.. She is taking the matter with Her own way and trying to find ways to tame me and if it was on just a fantasy way without having to give out my heart as she has asked me to do i would be just fine. But real life is very different to fantasy and i feel like a dog that doesn't want to accept the leash, and its only hurting myself by doing so.. i'm afraid i have damage irreparably our relationship. See what makes you uncomfortable and try and work it out but as Daddysredhead said our hearts don't want to follow our bodies. Maybe She isn't the One. Good luck and wish me the same Pleaaaasseee!!! (But don't stress on it!! It will send you crazy!! Relax and there is life beyond BDSM)

(No matter what happens with the Domme that is training me i will always remain friends with Her and i will be very sorry to lose Her)

_____________________________

Chief: Max, you realize you'll be facing every kind of danger imaginable.
Max: And loving it!

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Post #: 13

RE: help needed - 12/28/2007 4:24:15 PM

grlneedstolearn

Posts: 728
Joined: 1/29/2007
Status: offline

If i were you, i would sit down with your Domme and discuss things about how you feel and how she can possibly help you. i still have emotional issues to deal with with my Dom, yet i know i can talk to him about it and we will both sit down and talk about why i'm feeling that way and what we can do to improve it.
Good luck

(in reply to herpreferance)

Post #: 14

RE: help needed - 12/31/2007 9:35:56 PM

herpreferance

Posts: 5
Joined: 12/27/2007
Status: offline

i would like to thank you all for your advice and suggestions, they helped very much. As most of you stated the need to sit down and talk to ones Domme was of utmost importance. i did that, and the result was that she listened with respect and understanding. As it turns out most of the things i was worring about were things that i had in my own mind and had nothing to do with her demands or expetations.

Make no mistake im still a spoiled brat and to throw tantrums from time to time but ive been told i will be getting over that and soon;) ,but the tension level has dropped down greatly and we seem to be proceding in a manner much more suited to the two of us than to the unsounded expectations i had in my head. And that is a very good thing. So what have i learned from this? Communication. Talk, Listen,Talk some more and Listen. i now know that if i have concerns i can bring them up at any time and not have to worry about whether i will be listened to or not. i will be. Now what action to be taken after i voice my concerns? Thats up to my Domme not to me, but i do know she has my best interest at heart.

Again thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
herpreferance

(in reply to grlneedstolearn)

Post #: 15

RE: help needed - 12/31/2007 9:57:23 PM

pixelslave

Posts: 1444
Joined: 8/19/2006
Status: offline

herpreference,
I'm glad to hear you talked to your Domme. Communication is key in any relationship and even moreso in a D/s one. Submitting to another is something ones lears to "relax into" as they allow themselves to trust the other. The more you communicate, the easier that will be to do.

Best wishes to you and your Mistress.

- pixel

_____________________________

Chivalry isn't dead! It's for those who have it in their hearts & are willing to be taught. It's a way of life, a code of honor; this one's armor still needs some polishing!

(in reply to herpreferance)

Post #: 16

RE: help needed - 12/31/2007 11:10:09 PM

Suleiman

Posts: 1127
Joined: 9/9/2004
Status: offline

Well, there's a lot of circumstantial modifiers that go with the things you've mentioned. You've taken a big step - you've acknowledged what you're doing. You need to do some soul-searching (as my old therapist would have put it) and see if you can find out WHY. Once you have the why, you can work out whatever it is that you're going through. Mostly, you're new to this. Fantasy is not reality. Have faith in yourself, and allow yourself to explore this great big new world you've decided to dive into. You'll be amazed at what you discover. Ten years into our relationship, my wife said to me one day, "I'm not very dominant, am I?" - you learn things about yourself all the time. Just relax, and ask yourself why. Usually, the first (often irrational) thing to pop into your head is the real answer. Don't squalch it. Explore it. It's amazing what you'll find.

_____________________________

Think of my verbosity as a sort of litmus test for our relationship. I write in a manner identical to how I speak and how I think. If you can not cope with what I have written here, it is probably for the best if we go our separate ways.

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Post #: 17

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