Is it normal to fall in love with your Dom during training? (Full Version)

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lexie671 -> Is it normal to fall in love with your Dom during training? (8/21/2005 3:47:57 PM)

I have only been in training with my Dom for about two months, and I am deeply in love with him,,,, do most Dom's expect this, or is it too vanilla to confess how I feel about him? L.



greenie -> RE: Is it normal to fall in love with your Dom during training? (8/21/2005 3:51:28 PM)

i'm glad you asked this lexie and can't wait to hear the replies. i've often wondered myself how that would work. how can a sub not fall in love when she is opening herself up so completely and trusting so implicitly? can't wait to read the answers here.



perverseangelic -> RE: Is it normal to fall in love with your Dom during training? (8/21/2005 3:57:08 PM)

Some, including some regular posters here, prefer their ownership arangements without love. It is simply owner/property with both fufilling a service--the owner fufilling the owned need to be owned, and the owned providing whatever the owner desires. The owner doesn't need to love, or be friends with the owned.

It works well for some people.

Others prefer that there be a very structured "training" period. For example, I have known individuals to be sent to another top for training, by their primary partner. In those kinds of realitionship, love doesn't necesarially figure.

It's quite easy for me to understand belonging to someone, but not loving them. I trust my doctor or the fireman pulling me from my burning house implicitly, I probably do exactly what he/she says, but I don't love him. Some veiw these types of relationships in these terms. You are giving and reciving a service, from someone who fufills your needs, but you don't necessarially love that person.


For me, personally, I cannot opperate in the above modle. I need to love the person I belong to. I cannot give myself fully to someone I don't care about incredibly deeply. Howeer, I can very much understand how it works.

I believe it's important to talk to a potential partner and determine whether emotional relationships will be formed -before- agreeing to serve.



Rubyb -> RE: Is it normal to fall in love with your Dom during training? (8/21/2005 4:10:31 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: lexie671 is it too vanilla to confess how I feel about him? L.


There are many kinds of love. Love for a friend, pet, family member, husband/wife, etc. If you are feeling that "romantic love" that extends beyond the d/s part of your relationship, then you should tell him. It has an impact on your relationship and may or may not change his training strategies.

When should you tell him? Timing is everything. Preferably the two of you have a time where you are free to talk about anything that is on your mind or to ask questions.

It is to be expected? I can't speak for the dom's here. As a domme to my pet, yes, I expect it. Our hearts have plenty of room to love more than one person at a time.



MstrssPassion -> RE: Is it normal to fall in love with your Dom during training? (8/21/2005 4:27:06 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: lexie671

I have only been in training with my Dom for about two months, and I am deeply in love with him,,,, do most Dom's expect this, or is it too vanilla to confess how I feel about him? L.


Rubyb brought up a good point. Was this expected? Was there ever at any time discussion that your involvement was to be void of romantic love?

Loving your partner is not a vanilla sentiment. I tend to view the relationship I have with my current submissive & every submissive before to be a loving relationship.

You may hear people speak of love not being part of the equation & others that go on & on about romantic whirlwinds of love & devotion. Rather than wonder what the next guy is doing & what is right for them... look to yourself & your partner. Communication between the two of you is all that really matters.

Call it confession or communication... it doesn't matter... just get in the habit of talking to him. Training is a lot more than just doing what you are told.

MstrssPassion



KittenWithaTwist -> RE: Is it normal to fall in love with your Dom during training? (8/21/2005 5:04:48 PM)

I don't understand why anyone would believe that normal human emotions (love, anger, fear, passion, hurt) wouldn't take place in a D/s or S&M relationship. Why would emotion be considered "vanilla"? Do some believe that we (as subs or doms or whatever else) are evolved past emotion?

Personally, I don't believe in emotionless "training" nor training outside of a relationship. Of course, that's just me. I'm a pretty emotional human.



anopheles -> RE: Is it normal to fall in love with your Dom during training? (8/21/2005 5:15:11 PM)

I think it is probably just as common to have loveless D/s relationship as it is to have one that involves love. An emotionless one though, I think is rarely possible.
A submissive with a good Dominant is always going to feel intense feelings with them. As such, it's important to spend enough time communicating outside of scenes or training to establish a good, strong relationship. Otherwise, what you might think is love is just New Relationship Energy. They are not the same. Trust me, I know.




KnightofMists -> RE: Is it normal to fall in love with your Dom during training? (8/21/2005 6:48:11 PM)

I have never met a single D/s relationship in this culture that doesn't not have some aspect of love within it, now that doesn't mean they are not out there, I just never seen one. of course as others have stated... love comes in different forms and doesn't neccessarily mean that it can be a negative to a D/s relationship. I myself find it very important foundation to have a deep sense of love and devotion within the relationship. I would strongly urge you to confess your thoughts and feelings, but also beaware that your love must be tempered with an understand of the structure of your relationship. For me, when someone uses the love of the relationship to manipulate the other, if underminds and dooms the relationship.

KoM


quote:

ORIGINAL: lexie671

I have only been in training with my Dom for about two months, and I am deeply in love with him,,,, do most Dom's expect this, or is it too vanilla to confess how I feel about him? L.




greeneyedangel -> RE: Is it normal to fall in love with your Dom during training? (8/21/2005 7:16:54 PM)

i could not imagine serving a Dom without some kind of feelings for Him. Personally, and this is just me, in order to serve Him totally, i would have to love Him. i can't give of myself any other way. my need to please, serve and to be controlled can only be done with someone i love. Love takes time as does trust but i could not totally surrender myself unless there is love involved. but that is just me ....smiling



fastlane -> RE: Is it normal to fall in love with your Dom during training? (8/21/2005 7:26:34 PM)

"What's love got to do with it?" Tina Turner

"Love, Lord above, now your trying to trick me in Love?" ..someone help me? All right now, was the name of the song.

"To love is just a word I heard when things are being said." James Taylor

"Love Stinks." again help me.

Love is a seed that grows and is capable of dying with out nourishment. In the relationship of D/s it depends on the wants, needs and desires of both parties. Personally, I would love, for my sub to love me. However, there are play subs and their are collared subs. If you collar, there should be love. Kevin



Archer -> RE: Is it normal to fall in love with your Dom during training? (8/21/2005 8:11:21 PM)

I would say that in 99+% of D/s primary relationships love will come into play in some form or fashion. Here we run into the limits of the English language. One word "Love" and it is supposed to cover a huge range of emotions not just romance but Philos, and spiritual love and love born of respect and love born of any number of qualities we see in someone. Devoid of love in some form I'm not sure submission would even start to be real unless it was based on fear or purely on commitment, or based on some personal debt.

It is in most cases to be expected that a submissive or slave will fall in love with their Master to some extent, In the case where the Dominant wants to submerge the love there are things that can be done to keep the love from becomming the center of the relationship. A Dominant always has to watch love for it can interfere with their responsibility to direct. When the thoughts of what happens if I require something that might cause them to withdraw that love come into play. It is a question that every Dominant battles with to some extent or another. For some it's a quick and easy battle, for others an epic struggle.

But to be fair to the Dominant you must not hold back the information of what you are feeling.

In Leather

Archer



IronBear -> RE: Is it normal to fall in love with your Dom during training? (8/21/2005 9:58:28 PM)

This is not just an issue in this lifestyles but universal when the training couple will spend large amounts of time together and often in an intimate situation. Generally its been my experience that Masters and Mistresses of experience are aware of this and can both try to keep it at a suitable (according to their way of seeing things) level, although some will use the feelings the student (or what ever label they wear) to what ever purposes they see fit. I’ve seen this over many years in Wiccan Covens and other occult groups It just adds to the argument for finding Dominants who have a keen sense of ethics and are honourable.



Focus50 -> RE: Is it normal to fall in love with your Dom during training? (8/22/2005 5:10:45 AM)

Hi lexie and welcome to the Message Boards.... :-)

"Love" is a strong word and though I'm not doubting you, I can certainly tell you from personal experience that subs do get very attached, very quickly, to their Dom - most especially if that sub is having her first experiences with D/s.

To that end, I'm quite conscious of not letting that attachment grow too strongly if we're not connecting at levels other than D/s - I look for the "whole package" within my relationships. I don't actually expect it so much as I understand it's quite a normal side effect or occurrence arising from a D/s dynamic.

As to why that attachment grows so quickly is another matter.... I can only surmise that for many of us, D/s has it's beginnings in our deepest, darkest thoughts and fantasies and when it evolves into a physical reality, it can be an overpowering experience.... Fantasy to reality affects you to your very core. We grow and learn about love, sex and intimacy in a vanilla context because it's "normal" but society doesn't prepare us BDSMers for the unique experiences available to us. Indeed, they're considered taboo and indeed wrong (*gasp*) by their standards so it's little wonder you feel as you do - as most of us initially do....

If it's a truth for you, you probably should tell him but, conversely, if he has previous experience he should be aware anyway.... But don't assume - if it's that important to you, say so.

Focus50.



sweet4master -> RE: Is it normal to fall in love with your Dom during training? (8/22/2005 7:28:01 AM)

hi lexie. as many other i also was curious about hearing what Masters here would answer to you.
well its quiet disappointing really, because none of them has really said that Love should be the base of a Master/slave relationship.
they All want you to love them, but you wont find many that will love you too
they dont expect you to love them, they are sure you will
if you tell them, you will be the one in pain, not them
the more they deny it to you, the more you will love them
until you realise that it will never work

Rubyb can love more than one at the time
MstrssPassion doesnt really says
KnightofMists gives a bit of hope and says infact that its very important foundation to have a deep sense of love
fastlane its just heartless, whatever he represent
Archer again gives hope and makes sense to the relationship
Focus50 infact focuses on the love that subs/slaves feel, as if Doms really didnt have any feelings at all

one is free to do as he see fit, but do not play with feelings
subs/slaves are human being, love comes naturally and we are talking about Love guys, and that Love comes in one way only
as many subs/slaves here i cannot imagine being "trained" without loving my Master, it will simply not work

to lexie i would say to be careful, Love is a word that scares most people, i still have to understand why is that
he might run away and you will have to live with it, it will be painful but you will realize you have lost nothing but a heartless person

good luck



plantlady64 -> RE: Is it normal to fall in love with your Dom during training? (8/22/2005 7:51:17 AM)

Hello There,
I think not only is the communication between a Dom and so much deeper and open in a BDSM relationship but as you've said too when falling in love the bond is deeper and more fulfilling than any other you've known before. . My heartstrings formed a quick bond with my Master too.
Being you literally trust this person with your life and body it's hard not to be so wide open in your affectionate emotions towards them.

I'm never at peace anywhere else in the world as when I am sitting at my Masters feet knowing he's content with me too.

Sincerely,
sub suzanne



OsideGirl -> RE: Is it normal to fall in love with your Dom during training? (8/22/2005 8:09:46 AM)

For me personally, it's very hard for me to play with someone and not get attached. BDSM D/s stirs up some very strong emotions in me and breaks through some walls. So, there fore, didn't become involved with someone if they weren'tg open to a long term relationship. There are some that do not want an emotional relationship at all. This is one of those things that I think is important to talk about before you make a contract or get collared.



Fawne -> RE: Is it normal to fall in love with your Dom during training? (8/22/2005 8:18:57 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: lexie671

I have only been in training with my Dom for about two months, and I am deeply in love with him,,,, do most Dom's expect this, or is it too vanilla to confess how I feel about him? L.


Hi lexie :) Love and D/s and BDSM go together for me and I am happy to say I am lucky and successful in this area. I am a lover too!

BUT.. some people seperate BDSM and love has little to do with thier interest. Different schools of thought, may be a good way to put it.

May I ask a few questions? Training.. is this in person or online? Is he your "boyfriend" as well as Dom? Is he looking for a relationship? What kind? Does he want love in his D/s relationship? One slave? Poly? Play party fun?

We need more information, please, as do you.

All the best to you and thanks for asking, fawne [:)]



Rubyb -> RE: Is it normal to fall in love with your Dom during training? (8/22/2005 12:05:29 PM)

Deep thoughts, sweet4master.

quote:

ORIGINAL: sweet4master

hi lexie. as many other i also was curious about hearing what Masters here would answer to you.
well its quiet disappointing really, because none of them has really said that Love should be the base of a Master/slave relationship.


Love is the base of my marriage to my lifemate T. If I were to call anyone Master - he doesn't prefer the term - it would be him. We were best friends first, then married partners, and we bring our kinks into a d/s relationship wherever we want to play. We don't live d/s 24/7, it doesn't work for us. Yet after 23+ years, we are still going strong.

Love is also the base of my Miss/Pet relationship with Nat.
(Note: T is well aware of my relationship with my pet.)
If I didn't love Nat, I couldn't top him.
If he didn't love me, it would take the joy out of it for me.
Nat and I work on being friends first, play partners second.

That said, Nat and I don't have that "romantic love" that I share with my husband.
It's different, but critical to the success of both relationships, for me.

What's my point? I couldn't be the submissive in a d/s relationship to someone I didn't love, trust, or love me in return. Neither would I want to dom a person if those traits were'nt present. Yet I can't impose my preferences on all d/s relationships, nor would I have that desire.

quote:

ORIGINAL: sweet4master
subs/slaves are human being, love comes naturally and we are talking about Love guys, and that Love comes in one way only
as many subs/slaves here i cannot imagine being "trained" without loving my Master, it will simply not work


I don't agree with everything in this paragraph. Love is too broad a word with too many definitions to claim in comes in one way only. Yet I do agree that for many subs/slaves, loving Master and being loved by Master in return is required for the relationship to work.

quote:

ORIGINAL: sweet4master
to lexie i would say to be careful, Love is a word that scares most people, ...


I thought the word that scares most people is "commitment".
However, now that you mention it, I imagine the L word can be just as frightening.
It adds a layer of responsiblity that should not be taken lightly.

---

Lexie, please hop back in and answer Fawne's questions. They will indeed help you receive better advice. Thanks for starting such a wonderful thread.



Elegant -> RE: Is it normal to fall in love with your Dom during training? (8/22/2005 12:35:16 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: sweet4master

...well its quiet disappointing really, because none of them has really said that Love should be the base of a Master/slave relationship.....


Perhaps no one here has stated that love should be the basis of a M/s relationship because, perhaps, it should not be. Romantic love is not a primary component of a M/s relationship as it is for a Husband/wife relationship.


quote:

they All want you to love them, but you wont find many that will love you too


'All'? I know quite a few people in M/s relationships where the Dominant DOES NOT want to be 'loved'. In many cases they want respect, dedication, commitment, obedience etc. If they are smart they will specify this up front.

To be honest and candid: Master Archer and I began our M/s relationship with absolutely no intention of having romantic love play a part in it. That was not in our 'gameplan'..<i>grin</i> I am a lucky slave in that he now does love me in a romantic aspect and I, him. Unfortunatly it DOES bring up some barriers to our D/s~S/m life that we have to work hard at to overcome.



MtPleasantsubAsh -> RE: Is it normal to fall in love with your Dom during training? (8/22/2005 12:35:25 PM)

I fell for my first Dom...and but HARD.
I still hurt.
he informed me that we were only"play-partners"
and i can see how he felt.
and i also understand that more communication was in order, but alas...

I think my issue was i was a virgin when i met him and gave him that part of me as well as control over my body..my mind followed...and again..my heart.

I cannot speak for him, and i wouldn't try to understand his thoughts or feelings,...i know simply that he didn't love me and i scared him with my love.

Again...i was also to blame..but it dosen't stop the hurt. I'm glad i told him, becasue otherwise i'd still wonder and be with him...without having a chance at finding my true Dom....btw...I'm looking.

I suggest temmilg him even if you're scared about what he might say.... both of you deserve to know wither way...

ty



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