submssives helping Dominants better themselves? (Full Version)

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chellekitty -> submssives helping Dominants better themselves? (12/29/2007 8:48:34 AM)

there was a post on the "clingy submissives" thread that got me thinking (i noticed there was another post started recently as an off shoot of it...it must be a good thread)...i hear all the time about how it is a Dominants job to help a submissive grow and better themselves...that is a goal of a lot of D/s and M/s relationships...to help the s-type become more self reliant and or more self confident or something along those lines...not necessarily to "fix" them...but to guide them in the growing they want to do (at least that is the way i like to look at it)...but this got me thinking about the other half of the equation....
quote:

ORIGINAL: beargonewild
I need a dom who also can change my faults into postives when I do not have the necessary ability to do so myself. I would also like to be able to do that same for him also, when it is necessary and desired.

so...what are other's thoughts on this?
Dominants - do you want your s-types to be able to help you in your process of bettering yourself? Or have they in the past? how so, specifically?
Submissives/slaves - do you want to be able to help your D-types in their process of bettering themselves? or have you in the past? how so, specifically?

chelle



lockmeupplease -> RE: submssives helping Dominants better themselves? (12/29/2007 8:59:53 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: chellekitty
Submissives/slaves - do you want to be able to help your D-types in their process of bettering themselves? or have you in the past? how so, specifically?


Hi chelle---great post.  My best D/s relationships have been ones where we have been able to help each other grow and improve.  Examples of how I've helped:  My last Domme was struggling with her role and felt guilty about her sadistic side and I helped get her past it.  She also was having issues at work and I was able to be her friend and give advice.  On the "fun" side, I introduced her to some new toys and showed her how to do some rope work.



sweetstorm -> RE: submssives helping Dominants better themselves? (12/29/2007 9:03:47 AM)

I am a healer and a person, so yes, I try to help others and my Dominant is a person too.

The biggest area I feel I've been able to help my Dominants in is understanding women in general by expressing my feelings openly and explaining why I feel a certain way. I go out of my way to explain the other side of how people could be feeling and therefore why they react a certain way.

I know that I have taught at least one Dom that women can be just as intelligent as men are, if not more so.

I know that I have taught at least one Dom that women can be talked to and confided in, and that this makes a relationship that much deeper.

I know that I have taught at least one Dom that aftercare has nothing to do with his ego.

Relationships = growth to me. If there is not growth on both sides, then I don't think we are a match.



KindLadyGrey -> RE: submssives helping Dominants better themselves? (12/29/2007 9:33:14 AM)

This thread is pretty timely for me. I'm 38 weeks pregnant, and not in a very good place physically or emotionally right now. I'm just holding out through the pain and the anxiety until I have a baby in my arms, and then I'll have to deal with THAT too! (I have one child already, so I know the drill, but it's still emotionally and physically draining to care for an infant)

A few weeks ago I met a boy, and since then he has been so incredibly understanding and supportive of my condition and my limitations. His consistent attention really helps me feel cared for and makes things just a little bit easier. I'm a mess, and I don't want him to know just how much, but even if he doesn't know he is helping me anyway.

It don't know if I'm really being bettered as a person, but right now having him in my life is helping me cope better, which helps my long term sanity.

So yes, submissives can absolutely help a Dominant better themselves. Nobody is perfect, and sometimes we need help. Labels don't really mean anything in that context.



fairerthanshe -> RE: submssives helping Dominants better themselves? (12/29/2007 9:33:40 AM)

Greetings chelle,

This happens all the time.  Doms reap the benefits of the skills which their subs bring to a relationship.  SJ takes my advice for marketing his business, has me book shows for his band, clean his home and help keep him organized in general.  To me, it isn't so much about the same kind of guidance that a sub can expect from a Dom as it is a Dom using his subs full abilities to make his life easier, more organized, simply removing some of the day to day chores from his own plate.  It just makes sense to utilize a submissive fully (or slave in this case). 

There is also an intellectual perspective that is present.  When SJ and I discuss issues, I am his sounding board.  In some instances, I may play the devil's advocate and point out pitfalls I see he might encounter.  In others, I may be the cheerleader encouraging him to take a particular path.   He listens to my input and I may  have influenced a choice here and there.  The decisions are his to make.

In a previous relationship, I helped a Dom choose a new wardrobe for work.  At the time, I was a personal image consultant.  You could say I helped him better himself, since he had a more polished look for work. 

well wishes ~ fairer than she



OldBastardly1 -> RE: submssives helping Dominants better themselves? (12/29/2007 9:54:14 AM)

Absolutely. I value input from submissives whom I respect and from ones that I am involved  with, whether it be a playing relationship or a committed one. I have learned many things from submissives.



PanthersMom -> RE: submssives helping Dominants better themselves? (12/29/2007 9:55:15 AM)

i think in the best situations the dominant and sub compliment each other and provide support for each other in the weaker moments of life.  i know in my case cub has been my biggest support this year when i have felt overwhelmed by the demands of motherhood, school and adjusting to life as a disabled person.  in turn throughout our relationship i have pushed him along towards completing his training and his college classes; we are each other's base of support.  a dominant with out a submissive is just a person,as is a submissive without a dominant; put them together and they make up the D/s dynamic.

PM



lateralist1 -> RE: submssives helping Dominants better themselves? (12/29/2007 10:15:05 AM)

D/s has to be a two way street. In that it's like any other relationship.
Why would I want to be with someone who gives me nothing of his personality, his strangths and yes his weaknesses. Or who is not interested in me?
Controlling someone is all very well but it's hard work if he isn't giving me what I need.
If he does though it's a pleasure.
And of course I want him to use all his abilities in my service.
Oh and I can do my own cleaning lol.
Never met anyone who can clean as well as I can lol.
You give what you can and very few relationships are completely balanced.
Each to his gifts according to the other's needs.Which are constantly changing.
Symbiotic not parasitic.
Life is difficult enough without carrying a parasite on my back.





OldBastardly1 -> RE: submssives helping Dominants better themselves? (12/29/2007 10:23:28 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: lateralist1

D/s has to be a two way street. In that it's like any other relationship.
Why would I want to be with someone who gives me nothing of his personality, his strangths and yes his weaknesses. Or who is not interested in me?
Controlling someone is all very well but it's hard work if he isn't giving me what I need.
If he does though it's a pleasure.
And of course I want him to use all his abilities in my service.
Oh and I can do my own cleaning lol.
Never met anyone who can clean as well as I can lol.
You give what you can and very few relationships are completely balanced.
Each to his gifts according to the other's needs.Which are constantly changing.
Symbiotic not parasitic.
Life is difficult enough without carrying a parasite on my back.







Emotional parasites are sooo taxing.



LadyPact -> RE: submssives helping Dominants better themselves? (12/29/2007 10:27:57 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: chellekitty

Dominants - do you want your s-types to be able to help you in your process of bettering yourself? Or have they in the past? how so, specifically?

chelle

I snipped because I was just going to address the question itself.

I think I would probably bore you to death with the long version of the answer.  I'll just give a couple of brief examples.  For one, My sub improves My view of the world a great deal as far as positive attitude.  Some Dominants give their subs the directive to 'always be joyful'.  I have no need to do that, because it's his natural state.  You know how the attitude of the person you're around can sometimes effect your own?  That's one way that he's helped Me.

On the lighter side, there is also what has now become the running gag about him getting Me to eat more fruit. 



AFlyInYourWeb -> RE: submssives helping Dominants better themselves? (12/29/2007 11:01:11 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: chellekitty

Submissives/slaves - do you want to be able to help your D-types in their process of bettering themselves? or have you in the past? how so, specifically?



"Service" to a Domina can come in many ways, shapes, manners and forms.  It depends on the needs and preferences of the particular Domina, and the applicable talents of the submissive male.

In my very first relationship in college, my service was mostly housework, Kitchen Patrol, fetching beverages and snacks for her, etcetera.  At that time, she was older, better educated, and wiser than I was.  I could offer little else.

By the 1990s, I had a lot more knowledge and experience, and was able to offer different useful services.   In one particular LTR, I was instrumental in convincing her to return to college, arrange the financing, etc.  I kept her schedule, and helped her organize her time.  I helped research her papers and co-wrote or edited her essays, papers, and other school assignments.  When she graduated, I wrote her resume and cover letters, coached her on interviewing, and so forth.  After she landed a position with a Fortune 500 company, I acted as her administrative assistant, organized her schedule of sales calls, wrote her reports and handled her expense account for her.

That didn't mean that I no longer ran errands or cleaned the toilet, but more times than not she chose to run to the store herself rather than pull me off her job-related tasks.  That was her choice to make.

Did that make her a "better" person?  That is for her to decide as well.



thetammyjo -> RE: submssives helping Dominants better themselves? (12/29/2007 11:09:20 AM)

I actually consider it part of the duty of being in a relationship, any kind of relationship, that everyone is bettered by it.

Therefore I not only expect to help my sub or slave, but I expect him/her to help me.

That help may direct or indirect.

For example, Fox provided a lot of much needed support (emotionally, physically, intellectually and even spiritually) to me while I finished my PhD. Last night we had mountain dew and since I don't drink much soda pop he gently reminded me of what happened last time I drank it -- bad headache, jitterness, etc. Now if he'd only been around when I'd ordered the pizza he could have reminded me to get some other type which I hate then there would have been no temptation.



DesFIP -> RE: submssives helping Dominants better themselves? (12/29/2007 12:43:43 PM)

I offer suggestions about his business which has helped him nearly double the gross over the last year. I proof read his letters. I listen to him vent and offer him suggestions about how to handle the situation. I offer suggestions and thoughts about his ums as he does mine.

I nag him to take care of himself, to stop working and have lunch, to drink more water, to go to bed. All part of my job.



came4U -> RE: submssives helping Dominants better themselves? (12/29/2007 1:14:12 PM)

quote:

Submissives/slaves - do you want to be able to help your D-types in their process of bettering themselves? or have you in the past? how so, specifically?


no, that job should have been done by his parents since birth. They should be 'better-best' as a process of life experience and skills.  It isn't my job to improve a man, he should already be 'proven' a (progressive) success since the age of 18 (a steady, continious sucess) and beyond. IMO, a grown man shouldn't need a girl/sub in this capacity. I have known many men who lack this ability unless they have a girl to hold up his spine.  Not my job, I say.




SirJohnMandevill -> RE: submssives helping Dominants better themselves? (12/29/2007 1:24:37 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: chellekitty

Dominants - do you want your s-types to be able to help you in your process of bettering yourself? Or have they in the past? how so, specifically?



Absolutely! When I find my next R/T submissive, I sincerely hope we help each other be the best we can in our respective roles.

A female sub and dear friend who isn't on CM has helped me immensely already, although I've never met her in person. In many online conversations and phone calls over the last two years, she's helped me evolve from a "bedroom Dom" wanting only kinky sex into a Dominant who wants a submissive to serve me in every way she can. I believe her insights will let me better fulfill my responsibilities as a Dominant to the next "lucky" [:D] woman.

Les (Purveyor of Fine, Handcrafted Kink)



LadyHugs -> RE: submssives helping Dominants better themselves? (12/29/2007 1:33:37 PM)

Dear chellekitty, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
To me, personally -- my slaves have enhanced me and I work on improving myself all the time.
Relationships do invest in one another.  Companionship always betters a person's single life unless it was a mis-match and not a relationship meant for a long time.
 
As far as S&M and bondage goes--practice does make a more efficient Dominant.
 
Just some thoughts.

Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs
 
 



SirW2004 -> RE: submssives helping Dominants better themselves? (12/29/2007 2:04:46 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: chellekitty

so...what are other's thoughts on this?
Dominants - do you want your s-types to be able to help you in your process of bettering yourself? Or have they in the past? how so, specifically?
Submissives/slaves - do you want to be able to help your D-types in their process of bettering themselves? or have you in the past? how so, specifically?

chelle


Dominance/submission is a partnership. It has to be an equal one to grow and continue. It has to be open and foster constant communication.
My first on-line submissive told me that and actually taught me more about being a Dominant than any other person I have known. Another truth about D/s, a “good” Dominant is the result of a “great” submissive. Meaning that a sub will help a Dominant grow and mature.



KnightofMists -> RE: submssives helping Dominants better themselves? (12/29/2007 4:37:52 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

I actually consider it part of the duty of being in a relationship, any kind of relationship, that everyone is bettered by it.

Therefore I not only expect to help my sub or slave, but I expect him/her to help me.

That help may direct or indirect.



That pretty much says it for me




DarkDaddyZ -> RE: submssives helping Dominants better themselves? (12/29/2007 4:41:01 PM)

This is why I think that in power exchange relationships that you should pick a partner that can enhance you both Dom and sub.  This is why I believe there needs to have similar styles and desires, compatibility.  Great thread!

Z-



slaveluci -> RE: submssives helping Dominants better themselves? (12/29/2007 7:09:58 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: chellekitty
Submissives/slaves - do you want to be able to help your D-types in their process of bettering themselves? or have you in the past? how so, specifically?

I want to be able to and I have been able to.  It is Master's belief as well as mine that, in healthy positive relationships, each partner assists the other(s) in becoming "better" in various ways.  Master has said from the beginning stage of our relationship that He never wants to make me "less than" I was when He met me.  Basically, this means He always wants to help me improve, grow and simply become more than and better than I was back then.  That's a lofty goal, I think, and one He has been faithful to.  By the same token, we both believe that my presence in His life should have the same effect - that He grows, improves and becomes a "better" Man. 

It is hard to give very specific examples but one I have oft mentioned here is how I have assisted Him in becoming more organized.  I have established files (computerized and otherwise) for Him to use to keep track of bills due/bills paid.  I have organized/catalogued our considerable CD/DVD collections and typed alphabetical lists for His use.  These aren't ways to "make Him a better person" per se but they help Him in practical ways.  For instance, our phone doesn't get shut off because He can't find the bill or remember if He paid it last month and He doesn't buy/rent a certain DVD because He can check my lists and see that we already have it.  Basically, they are time savers and ways to help Him be more efficient.  My organizational skills and efficiency are just two qualities of mine that He admires and envies just a bit[;)].  Using them to benefit Him is the best use I can find for them.

As far as helping Him become a better person, He's pretty close to perfect personality-wise as He can be for me.  He has confided in me that, in the past, He was pretty cold and distant even in intimate relationships.  He's definitely NOT that way with me and never has been.  I take Him at His word that my presence in His life has melted that prior cool exterior.  That's a specific example that He provided in answer to this question.  He said that, if I couldn't help Him be a better Man, what would be the point of being His property?  I can at least do for Him what He does for me and that's provide the inspiration to be the best Man He can be.  Really, that's the bottom line.  I can't "improve" Him but He can improve Himself for me just as He can't "force" me to become "better" but I certainly strive to for His benefit........................luci



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