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VERY new to being a top, HELP! - 12/29/2007 6:06:51 PM   
reneestoy1978


Posts: 4
Joined: 12/29/2007
Status: offline 		Ok, so my ex husband and I were in a D/s relationship, I being a the sub.  I am now in a new relationship, and he has asked me on MANY occassions to Top him.  I have agreed and I am now at a loss as to what to do!  This isnt a 24/7 thing, just while playing, however I have until wednesday to figure out what to do with him when I get him!  I know he likes his hands tied, and he wants me to have my way with him but beyond that he hasnt said much.  Any ideas would be greatly appreciated!  I am so nervous!  Thanks!
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RE: VERY new to being a top, HELP! - 12/29/2007 6:10:12 PM   
JSkitten


Posts: 4
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		It would be my opinion that you do to him what you desire. Do you like tying people up? handcuffs? masks?

Do you know what his limits are?

I personally would tie him up, tease the hell out of him, possibly flog him a little if he whined or misbehaved...

You need to ask yourself what you are comfortable doing and create a scene on that.

(in reply to reneestoy1978)
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RE: VERY new to being a top, HELP! - 12/29/2007 6:17:35 PM   
reneestoy1978


Posts: 4
Joined: 12/29/2007
Status: offline 		Everything is so up in the air, he is afraid to come out and say what exactly it is he is ok with and what would freak him out.  I know he likes mild bondage, spanking...
me on the other hand, I have been in his shoes and omg I have done a lot for Him that I thought I would never do.  being on the other side of this is very different, I am just not sure how to go about getting what I want to know out of him maybe?  Sorry I know I must  be frusterating.

(in reply to JSkitten)
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RE: VERY new to being a top, HELP! - 12/29/2007 6:25:37 PM   
PairOfDimes


Posts: 324
Joined: 7/20/2006
Status: offline 		Congratulations on your new relationship and kudos for trying to compromise in it!

I'd say it's worth talking about HOW your new boyfriend wants topped. As you know, you can top and bottom in all sorts of different ways--a spanking is different from foot worship, and both are different from using your bottom as a lamp.

You said he likes having his hands tied and wants you to have your way with him. That's a good start. From that, I'd guess that he'd like bondage and sexual assertiveness. Teasing and denial (i.e. stimulating his genitals, but not quite to orgasm) might work well--and I think it would be reasonably easy for a person accustomed to being submissive to do that. He might prefer a light objectification scene where you talk about how his pleasure is irrelevant and he's simply a sex toy for your use--but he'd better maintain his erection without orgasming or losing it, since after all, that dildo you like to use when he's not around would be thrown in the trash if it stopped being firm and long. :) Notice how both of these scenes create a little bit of anxiety or uneasiness--I think that's important, and helps to make a scene more exciting. Not too much stress, of course--just enough to make it seem new and unpredictable.

Since he likes having his hands bound, you might ask how he feels about other body parts bound, or whether there are particular bondage positions or methods (rope? cuffs?) that he likes. You might also ask about sensory deprivation--blindfolds? ear plugs? You didn't mention pain--if he doesn't want it, that's fine, but if he wants it, you might want to make an effort to incorporate it. It's nice to know what your options are. Finally, have fun, and good luck.

(in reply to reneestoy1978)
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RE: VERY new to being a top, HELP! - 12/29/2007 7:12:02 PM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: reneestoy1978

Ok, so my ex husband and I were in a D/s relationship, I being a the sub.  I am now in a new relationship, and he has asked me on MANY occassions to Top him.  I have agreed and I am now at a loss as to what to do!  This isnt a 24/7 thing, just while playing, however I have until wednesday to figure out what to do with him when I get him!  I know he likes his hands tied, and he wants me to have my way with him but beyond that he hasnt said much.  Any ideas would be greatly appreciated!  I am so nervous!  Thanks!


It's always hard to say without knowing some of the intimate details, ie how intense he is, how sexual you are as a couple, if he is more of a bottom or fetishist or is someone who gets off on your pleasure.  But here are a few general tips:

1. Take control of your "date night" with him right out of the gate. Tell him he can't look at you, must kneel, tell him how to address you, make him strip naked while you are clothed. Establish control right at the onset.

2. Enjoy yourself.  This means having a smirk, softly giggling at his plight, slightly making fun of him (or downright degrading him, if humiliation is his kink) - the point is, be generous with how much you "pile it on" -- you are empowered if you are obviously enjoying yourself, and that means showing it.

3. Restrain him in a manner that is effective.  Use handcuffs if you can, instead of ties, to make sure he can't get loose.  Gag him if he is a talker.  Once again, remind him of his place and your enjoyment, ie, "Look at you.  So helpless.  I am enjoying you like that, you can't move.  You look so helpless and pathetic, do you feel vulnerable? Do you realize I can do anything to you?"

4. Own your sexuality and pleasure.    Use him as a sex toy.  Teasing is a powerful tool.   Enjoy having many orgasms, while he has none.  Take your preferred manner of sexual pleasure, ie oral service, and turn it around so that it is objectifying - ie, sit on his face, or force his head between your legs and grip his hair ruthlessly, giving commands.  Make him do it right.  Make him do it over and over again. If he loves pleasing you orally, then tease him by tying him down and straddling his face, just out of reach, and pleasuring yourself with your fingers.  Cum on his face, but without him being involved.

5.  Make him beg.  AND ENJOY IT!  Begging can come in many forms -- begging for release, begging to be touched, begging for freedom from pain (if he is into pain - clothespins, clamps, etc).  Make him beg and take him by the chin and make him look at you and beg out loud. Make him say compromising, humiliating things, like "I'm a bitch for you," or "I want to suck your strap on cock," or "fuck my ass, I deserve it."  When he is forced to say the words, they are more biting.  Again, take it all in, smile, and make him keep going.

These are a few that come to mind -- if you can give more details about his personality, his fetishes, etc. maybe we can give more advice.  You're in a great position - enjoy yourself, that's what is most important.

Akasha


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(in reply to reneestoy1978)
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RE: VERY new to being a top, HELP! - 12/30/2007 1:45:21 AM   
sweetstorm


Posts: 227
Joined: 5/3/2004
Status: offline 		Thank You, Akasha!! I've had to top a few times also and those are great ideas and instructions! Thanks! 

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You need a parachute to skydive twice.

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RE: VERY new to being a top, HELP! - 12/30/2007 5:48:58 AM   
reneestoy1978


Posts: 4
Joined: 12/29/2007
Status: offline 		yes thank you all very much!  I know most of those ideas will work wonderfully with him, and seeing him so nervous about the evening is great.  He asks me what I am going to do and I just get a lil smile on my face, trying to hide how terrified I am!

(in reply to sweetstorm)
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RE: VERY new to being a top, HELP! - 12/30/2007 6:19:14 AM   
DianeB269


Posts: 1596
Joined: 10/30/2006
Status: offline 		Do you live near S.F. Ca.? I'll teach you to become a dominant woman...



Diane

(in reply to reneestoy1978)
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RE: VERY new to being a top, HELP! - 12/30/2007 7:01:54 AM   
MzMinx


Posts: 277
Joined: 12/26/2005
Status: offline 		if you are really nervous  and  a bit worried about maintaining the flow ..... use a blindfold for at least a  little while .... what he cant see he will imagine  and boys imagien lots of tghings that tend to make their  cocks hard .. so if you get an attack of the ummms  and ahhhhh   what am I going to do next???  .... he wont  know .. he will just think you are making him wait  for the next touch or sensation ... the suspense will do half the work for you and you can be as slow in choosing what you want to do as you need to be .... it can also  hide any nervousness with positions or  use of tools .. he will think any laughs are about his predicament not because you have forgotten how to tie a knot  ....  .... and yes a naked male with a clothed female  gets most boys going ... kneeling naked with head/face at your feet  brings a pretty  quick head space change ....

as Akasha said .. use your voice ... often the suggestion of something ... the possability of it .. is just as enjoyable as the doing .... if he likes bondage .. tell him he is going to be bound all night  and  that now you have seen him bound he is going to have to 'endure' it more often ....  if he likes pain .. tell him about how much  you want him to wimper for you .... 

my other bit of advice is that  although  you can check in with him about does he like something  at the time  etc .... boys are quite tough ... and they can take a lot more than you think ... so  dont be worried about 'hurting' him to much ... or worry  about if he likes it that way  or this way etc .... his body will show you  if he is really frightened.. you know him, so you know  how he reacts when arroused  .. *smiles* ... and I assume because you have an existing relationship and  he has asked for this their is a level of trust between you.. so trust yourself an enjoy  watching him ... appreciating his reactions and  indulge your own pleasures

I think most first time tops,  especialy females are  often timid and to concerned about the boys enjoyment .... consider him a crash test dummy *grins*  a human one for you to learn on .... even just relearning his erogonous zones or discovering new ones ... simple mixing of  sensations ..... pain in a nipple with a soft breath on an ear lobe as you talk to him ... tease and denial ... is a delightfully amusing game ... and  can be done with just the simplest of touches.... dont let him initiate anything .. tell him he has to ask to move ... or touch you ...   or forbid him from doing what he would normaly do such as use your name ... etc

Yes you need to do things like check for numbness in limbs  when in bondage  , breathing  etc   and know what spots of the  body are ok to hit ....  eg  buttcheeks great,  kidney area  and spine not so great ....  but  even things like  rulers  or a wooden spoons  when used on butts  are  going to mark  but you have to be pretty determined to really  damage a butt cheek  (watch out for tail bones) .... so let him squirm ... and wimper .....  but enjoy it .... hit the fleshy parts  and you will be ok .... if you feel you have dreadful aim ...  only use your hands  but threaten with the other things ...

and  although you have been a sub ...... his reactions will be different than yours .... but  you can take what you knew you liked  and use it ...

good luck  and I hope it  goes wonderfully well ..... and rememmber.. its a learning curve ... laugh  about the mistakes ..... and enjoy the process of learning and exploreing

(in reply to DianeB269)
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RE: VERY new to being a top, HELP! - 12/30/2007 7:28:57 AM   
MsBearlee


Posts: 1032
Joined: 2/15/2006
Status: offline 		I’m betting he wants the same kind of stuff he does to you…but is afraid you’ll find him ‘less than’, if he tells you this outright.
 
Take anal sex; it’s a sensation thing, not a homosexual thing.  Do you know that?  I’m betting you’ve never touched his anus…and he wants you to do so.  Perhaps both of you are ambivalent about this…it might be good to read up on this and strap-on play just in case you end up somewhere close to that activity.  It would be a damn shame if you reacted negatively to something so innocent.
 
Even regarding CBT, a lot of guys enjoy firm handling in that department, but I’ve actually met some guys who were somewhat embarrassed by that kind of desire.  I cannot imagine where someone gets the idea that firm, or even rough, play is something to be embarrassed about.
 
And I’m finding that there are a whole lot more guys who really just want to be ‘used’ than there are guys who are actually submissive.  It is the Top who does most of the work…what’s not to like being tied up and ‘forced’ to enjoy all things sexual?  If he’s on the masochistic side, remember that this too has nothing to do with either masculinity nor D/s; it just is.  Still, even if he’s not into real pain…a nice, thuddy flogging will go a long ways towards putting his head space where he seems to want it.
 
Keep in mind that it will be the spark in your eyes, while doing what you’re doing, that will make him go ga-ga.  Have fun! 
 
Beverly

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This one, as well!

(in reply to reneestoy1978)
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RE: VERY new to being a top, HELP! - 12/30/2007 10:48:44 AM   
reneestoy1978


Posts: 4
Joined: 12/29/2007
Status: offline 		thank you all so much.  Very informative!  I believe I get the gist of what I am going to do, and the blindfold idea was very helpful.  I  think I would be more confident the first time that way.  you all have made this a lot easier to go over in my head to prepare for that night.  Thank you all again and I hope to get to know you all better.

(in reply to MsBearlee)
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RE: VERY new to being a top, HELP! - 12/30/2007 3:13:51 PM   
deeddlit


Posts: 484
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		Greetings OP,

What excellent advice you have recieved and some idea's that I will be using as well.

I would like to give you some ideas of a less b/d nature.  I love body worship!!  It is very common for me to have my boy give me pedicures/manicures during a scene...I have had him give me very sensual sponge baths followed up with full body massage.  I love recieving oral pleasure so it is just as common for me to have him spend quite some time pleasing me orally while I just sit back and enjoy the ride.  Sometimes I let him get off and other times I do not.  While I do like b/d I would have to say that my true kink lays within D/s so that is the biggest component within our play. 

The sky really is the limit!!

Have a fantastic ride!!

Deeddlit


_____________________________

"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one."
Albert Einstein

(in reply to reneestoy1978)
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RE: VERY new to being a top, HELP! - 12/30/2007 5:39:54 PM   
KindLadyGrey


Posts: 358
Joined: 11/6/2007
Status: offline 		$10 says he wants it in the ass!

(Not joking)

(in reply to reneestoy1978)
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RE: VERY new to being a top, HELP! - 12/30/2007 7:26:11 PM   
undergroundsea


Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KindLadyGrey
$10 says he wants it in the ass!

(Not joking)



(in reply to KindLadyGrey)
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RE: VERY new to being a top, HELP! - 12/30/2007 7:48:44 PM   
AllietheKitten


Posts: 115
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline 		When my boy and I met I was a bit at a loss too. It was the first time I'd been Domme after 2 years thinking I was a sub. Its hard to be the Domme because you are the one in charge, the one who comes up with the ideas and who leads the scene (although a good Domme will also take a lot of cues from her boy).

One time my boy and I changed places. I told him to give me his clothes and I made him wear mine (something appropriately pink and short, naturally). Then we went on a "date" in his living room-movie and popcorn. Then I started acting like a horny guy, all "Baby, I want you.." and he was all "No, we can't, my parents might come home." He was *really* surprised when I told him how "hard" he was making me and put his hand on my lap to feel my "cock" (I'd stuck a dildo in my pants). I took him into the bedroom, literally cut the clothes off his back and tied him up. He fought me-he loves to fight me-and I just kept pushing-calling him names, telling him this was his fault because he lead me on, ect. In the end I had him begging me not to "rape" him-and of course I did. He said later it was the best night of his life.

The trick with any new sub is to get into his head. What does he fantasize about? How does his fantasy measure against your desire? Remember, you are the one in charge. If you are confident (even if you don't know what you're doing) then he will respond.

Some books that may help: Jay Wiseman's "The Erotic Bondage Handbook" and Two Knotty Boys "Showing You the Ropes" are really helpful, especially the latter. It has a lot of pictures and step-by-steps.

I hope you find, like I did, that you will become more confident in your new role and release your inner Goddess *smile*

(in reply to undergroundsea)
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RE: VERY new to being a top, HELP! - 12/30/2007 8:06:43 PM   
DianeB269


Posts: 1596
Joined: 10/30/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KindLadyGrey

$10 says he wants it in the ass!

(Not joking)



I was going to say the samething...


Diane

(in reply to KindLadyGrey)
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RE: VERY new to being a top, HELP! - 12/30/2007 8:17:31 PM   
MsBearlee


Posts: 1032
Joined: 2/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: undergroundsea

quote:

ORIGINAL: KindLadyGrey
$10 says he wants it in the ass!

(Not joking)





Yup; is what I was saying...


edited to add:

What a lovely story, Allie!  I'm betting there are lots of guys wishing they'd been in your friend's shoes just now...

B 

< Message edited by MsBearlee -- 12/30/2007 8:20:30 PM >

_____________________________

A must read for submissives! (click here)

This one, as well!

(in reply to undergroundsea)
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RE: VERY new to being a top, HELP! - 12/30/2007 11:03:13 PM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		Lots of great ideas here ... a few more:

Great fun can be had spontaneously by adding kink to household chores ... binding his hands behind his back and THEN telling him to put away the shopping! Or make the bed. Or get you a drink ... you get the idea! Just wonderful to sit there and watch his efforts, see how creative he is ... and laugh a lot!

Sensation play can be even more effective if you do pleasure on one side of the body and pain on the other. For example, gently licking one nipple and twisting or having a firm nipple clamp on the other. It gets to be a real mind fuck for the recipient.

Never discount clothes pegs/pins. So much fun ... try 3 for starters ... becomes fairly obvious that there's one for each nipple ... but where will the third one go? Some glances downwards will get him sweating LOL ... then put it somewhere entirely different such as on his lip or tongue!

Is his genital area shaved? Binding him in some wonderfully vulnerable position then shaving him there is generally effective at getting a boy spacy. Depending on how into humiliation he is, you can either praise or scorn what the shaving reveals. Can combine this with intro ass play if you like ... I tend not to go straight into strap on first time ... tease with the fingers first. Leave him wanting more!

Another wonderful and simple tool ... ice! Or put toys into the freezer ... a freezing cold dull knife such as a butter knife can feel absolutely terrifying when even the rounded back of it is drawn across skin. But don't do this if there's anything you know of his background about knives having been used abusively. Candle wax ... if you are worried about burning him, try it on you first from a few feet and gradually reducing the height till you get to a reasonable ouch factor. Or use an old artist's paintbrush, dip it in the molten wax and paint designs or words on him. The wax cools a bit on the brush so it is almost impossible to burn the recipient ... and it lets you be much more artistic. Try squirting cold water or dropping an ice cube on your handiwork once an area is pleasantly warm. If he is blindfolded and bound ... watch for his reaction when he hears the match strike!

Hope you have a lot of fun with these and other ideas! Let Us know how it goes!
Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to MsBearlee)
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RE: VERY new to being a top, HELP! - 12/30/2007 11:24:21 PM   
needDomme


Posts: 115
Joined: 4/8/2006
Status: offline 		What wonderful ideas, Maam Jay. Your sub is very fortunate.

need

(in reply to MaamJay)
Profile   Post #: 19
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