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RiotGirl -> Communication (8/22/2005 6:13:17 AM)

Okey Dokey, i need some help. Seriously, terribly help. i NEED to learn how to communicate. i'm sure it seems like i dont do so bad of a job here, or even just online. Standing face to face with some and saying "i am upset" or "i feel this" or "i think this" OH MY, its god awful hard. Spent all DAY yesterday trying to get my MOUTH to just please open up and Speak to Master. Finally i just wrote Him a letter and emailed it to him. Silly eh? Then i tried to remove myself from his presence as he read it. So you cant run physically, but you can run mentally. So i laughed and smiled at him and acted like everything is just fun fun fun. Needless to say, i wasnt able to run either way. Trying to open my mouth, or even being open about how i feel, just sends a whirlwind of stuff through my head. Sometimes i feel some how melodramatic, or attention getting by saying "i'm upset" i feel selfish and other things. i feel silly and stupid. THEN on top of that if i have to talk about it, i cant help but smile and laugh and act like nothing is going on and THEN i feel like a liar. On top of all that, opening my mouth and speaking what i feel gives me anxiety. AND i always worry about saying too much, being too open. On TOP of that, i worry about the other person's reactions.

So ummm.. as you can see, i prefer not to communicate. Which for the past 7 years has been a GOOD thing. As the other posts mentioned with assumption and perception, i have used the basic human traits so others could NOT read me (as i REALLY hate communication) so okay for 7 YEARS i learned how not to communicate at any level. Its become such a part of me now that i dont really know any other way.

Could some one please help me learn to communicate again? So i wont have to write letters to Master for ever?



lonewolf05 -> RE: Communication (8/22/2005 6:21:43 AM)

i believe lil one, you and i are in the same boat, to a point.
but i find it is getting easier for me. and writing letters IS a big topic opener for me, with Mistress.

i would venture a guess, it is safe to say, you should go to Him and kneel, and speak to Him with all your heart, slow, soft, one word at a time, and ease into it. let Him help you. explain to Him how difficult it is. you are a big girl now. not a small lil school girl.
be the grown woman He expects and open up to Him as He deserves you to be.
each long marathon starts with that first small step.
and it WILL make your path in this lifestyle easier if you and He communicate PROPERLY.

good luck lil one.

wolfie




pinkpleasures -> RE: Communication (8/22/2005 6:48:14 AM)

quote:

On top of all that, opening my mouth and speaking what i feel gives me anxiety. AND i always worry about saying too much, being too open. On TOP of that, i worry about the other person's reactions.

Riot Girl


Riot Girl, it happens to U/us all. Try some of these things: breathe deeply; speak after a pause to consider what was said; speak softly; journal and collect your thoughts while alone and calm.

pinkpleasures



thelight -> RE: Communication (8/22/2005 7:34:19 AM)

the way you unabashedly bare your emotions in this thread is truly beautiful.

i would love to help you be able to communicate with your master. i don't know if i can help, but i am willing to try. i'm not much into giving advice. if that is the sort of help you seek, there are plenty of people on this forum with better advice than mine. all i can do is lend a sympathetic ear, promise not to judge you no matter what, share my own experiences, when relevant, and ask questions, which by answering, you may come to better understand yourself.

you say that you were able to communicate until seven years ago. for starters, tell me what brought about this need to make yourself un-readable.

we can carry on this discussion here on the forum, or privately, via email. how ever you're most comfortable.



OscarHargraves -> RE: Communication (8/22/2005 7:56:00 AM)

Hi RiotGirl,
The old adage 'Practice makes perfect' comes to mind. You need to FORCE yourself to communicate at least once a day with your Master. Honest, sincere communication; not just a quip or a single sentence. Work for it. It will be a good thing for both of you.



RiotGirl -> RE: Communication (8/22/2005 8:14:12 AM)

Thanks. i'm here asking because of my lack of communication, i hurt Him. Awwww Geez and i love Him like i've never loved anyone before. (as in an s/o) God knows, and its always sorta niggled at me... But its never been BAD before. Its never caused problems or hurt ppl. GOD nobody knows!!! It keesp me saaaaaaaaaaaaaafe. Hurting Him, is just a no go. Mmmm.. i suppose its like a major fear of mine? (loud booming voice) "Step OUT into the Fire, RG"

so i am asking for help, and i appreciate that which has been offered. Wolf. i try that. i can go kneel before him and if i can get out the word "Master" its usually the best i do. To speak to him with all my heart, are you nuts? i havent spoken to anyone with all my heart in God knows how long. i'm prolly one of THE worst communicators, as i systematically hide behind the words i speak. i bascially live every day and in pretty much every relationship, hid what is really going on in my head. body language, facial expression, even the things i do, smiles. The things i say. Did you know if you ramble about meaningless things, ppl tend to tune you out and not dig deeper? i use ppl's perceptions, and i let their assumptions fly to alter what they see when it comes to me. i use alot of thing actually. i tried coming here a couple of days ago and writing this post. Couldnt do it. too darn open LOL

but the lines i live by when it comes to others is......... To show
enough of yourself, but not too much. To be
emotionally involved, but emotionally dettached. To
be honest about what you show, but showing nothing
that has any meaning. To be open, yet hiding all at
the same time. These lines, i walk consistantly, with
out thinking. Sometimes i slip, sometimes i cover my
tracks.

Its prolly down right crazy (god i love that word, does anything think i'm makin fun when i use it?) Thanks Light, but heh, still hiding. i dont unabashedly bare my emotions. i simply stated a problem

Aye and i can easily tell you why i like being unreadable. It keeps me safe. Some one once got in my head, twisted it all around, and sent me to hell with out the handbasket. All becuase i wasnt careful with myself, and they used who i as to manipulate, play, destroy me. Not gonna let it happen again.

Och aye me laddie, and its much easier talking here on the internet. Even forums. Personally, i'd like to keep it out of my MAIL boxes as Master reads those, and rarely comes here. <snorts> Strange, but the ppl here, they arent a threat. Even though i could careless what i say here, i still see myself only showing parts here, keeping up with my old tactics that seem as if they are ingrained in me.

<sigh> i just wanna stop. i want to stop.



pinkpleasures -> RE: Communication (8/22/2005 8:49:47 AM)

quote:

<sigh> i just wanna stop. i want to stop.

Riot Girl



<Sends Riot Girl some love and hope from my perch, higher up on life's hill>

pinkpleasure



thelight -> RE: Communication (8/22/2005 8:58:40 AM)


quote:

Even though i could careless what i say here, i still see myself only showing parts here, keeping up with my old tactics that seem as if they are ingrained in me.



well, all you are ever going to show is parts. it would take too long to show everything. so, you have to pick and choose what to show and what not to. complete honesty is unattainable. i said i wasn't going to give advice, but i'm about to give some anyway. a useful question to ask yourself is , "why is it that i want to show, or don't want to show, this particular part?" if the answer has something to do with the way you will be perceived, or the way others will respond, then you are moving away from your goal. sometimes, there will be multiple reasons for why you want to share or hide something, some reasons will have to do with other's percaptions, and other reasons will not. then you get into a real conundrum. but conundra are unavoidable. but just try to be honest with yourself. if you're considering whether to say something or not to say something, kick it around in your head and try to unravel your reasons.

Also, the prior relationship you mentioned, how did it end?



caitlyn -> RE: Communication (8/22/2005 9:10:10 AM)

Riot Girl ...

I like what you did when you wrote him a letter and gave it to him. You might want to include in the letter, that you are writing this because you have words inside you that never come easily.

Since he is your Master, I would bet he will do his best to bring them out in you ... and you may need that help. You may not be able to fix this on your own.



EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: Communication (8/22/2005 9:23:30 AM)

It's a skill, one that takes a long time to learn and I haven't met anyone who still doesn't make mistakes. Why not write letters and then read them aloud? Like any skill it takes practice practice pratice. Make a goal of saying 5 difficult but simple things to him everyday- "I really hate oreos" or "This shirt is the one that looks the best on you"

Making it a simple goal means the risks are low, but it gets you aware of what you do, of what it takes, and allows you to succeed on a basic level and give you the confidence to take another leap of trust further down the line.



RiotGirl -> RE: Communication (8/22/2005 9:39:57 AM)

Oh aye Caitlyn. Master knows, Master knows. i also wrote in the letter that i HATED communication, and its too hard and i didnt think i could do it. <grins> But i had to finish it prematurely as trying to speak, my mind shut down and i wasnt able to explain why i was feeling like i was feeling. He did his best to bring it out. Master understands its difficult. Aye, i gave him the letter, excused myself to the bathroom and got "sidetracked" doing "other things" Being restrained (so i couldnt run) and gagged (because of not wanting to communicate) and having His truely speaking truths you dont want to hear and would LOVE to deny <grins> Aye we had a whole conversation and i was only allowed to communicate with my eyes, and thankfully i was able to express myself openly that way. But, i dont think it was very friendly for him, so it would be nice if it could be done in an easier way. But hey! Atleast i didnt have to actually speak. And i didnt have to worry about trying to change the whole his whole perception on what was going on.

aye, i think i've spoke it before Light, but how did it end? Simply, i put myself into ICU, who put me in the psych ward, which being the escape artist i am, i removed myself from and then i disapeared into florida, throwing the main "teacher" into jail. Aye thats how i did it physically. Mentally, well Master helped me with that. The group of friends arent so bad (in my head) yet all lead back to one person, who ends up tracking me and ends up trying to worm his way BACK into my head. (seems easy to keep Him out of my head.. but yall dont know)

Now if i could just get my mouth to open up and not worry about the consequences of telling Master, lately i have been feeling a need to speak to said teacher. When things get tough in life, i some how gravitate to the person who put me what i consider the "school of hard knocks" Familiarity i believe, those ppl know me. Gives me strength in an odd way. Its like going into a war with abunch of buddies. This odd bond forms

Aye and i know i could get sneaky and talk to this person anyways, but knowing this person, he'd tell Master just in hopes to screw up my relationship. That and it being wrong and i'm under strict orders not to speak to him. i'd even LIKE to tell Master, but i can only imagine how it'd go over and i dont think well. Yes, lets go tell a man who has helped you get rid of the worst person you've ever known and say "Hey i want to talk to that person for some strange odd reason"! But i'm not so strange i suppose. His life long friends cant do it. No matter how much they dislike him, or hate him even they cant seem to get away. And all the girls i saved from him.. well they had my help in getting away. One of them disappeared into florida as well and another out into the midwest.

prolly more then you wanted to hear LOL



pinkpleasures -> RE: Communication (8/22/2005 9:45:57 AM)

quote:

Aye and i know i could get sneaky and talk to this person anyways, but knowing this person, he'd tell Master just in hopes to screw up my relationship. That and it being wrong and i'm under strict orders not to speak to him. i'd even LIKE to tell Master, but i can only imagine how it'd go over and i dont think well. Yes, lets go tell a man who has helped you get rid of the worst person you've ever known and say "Hey i want to talk to that person for some strange odd reason"! But i'm not so strange i suppose. His life long friends cant do it. No matter how much they dislike him, or hate him even they cant seem to get away. And all the girls i saved from him.. well they had my help in getting away. One of them disappeared into florida as well and another out into the midwest.

Riot Girl


Your kindness and bravery are outstanding, Riot Girl. i applaud you.

pinkpleasures



thelight -> RE: Communication (8/22/2005 9:53:22 AM)



am i correct in gathering that you tried to kill yourself? well, if you cared so much about him that he could drive you to that point, i don't imagine those feelings would die easily.

explore your the feelings you have for him now. if you don't want to write them here, just do it with yourself, but be honest. don't shy away from conflicting emotions.

if you spoke to him , what do you think you would say?



RiotGirl -> RE: Communication (8/22/2005 9:56:12 AM)

aye but emerald, the things you mentioned are really meaningless to me. i havent problems spouting meaningless stuff. i do it all the time. I dont think i can start "slow" and build up. i can easily say "today i was stressed" but i cant say "right now i am stressed" even saying "my anxiety is rising" is hard. or just simply saying "i think...." Aye i think the sky is blue and oranges are green.. roses are pretty..

i've this habit of self destruction, easily recognizable, the best i do with it is email him and speak around the bush. Sorta like "you know how that thing i sometimes do? Well its not that i want to, but i'm starting to think about it" Och aye and it could be raging madly inside of me and i'm struggling with it like god knows what..

like that thing i just mentioned in the last post. Wanting to get ahold of that guy, for god knows why and talk to him. Been struggling with that feeling for over a week now. i dont want to add any more crap to Master's plate. Plus it comes and goes

Okay enough ramblings. So for solutions we have.

A) kneel and speak slowly, one word at a time
B) Make simple goals
C) Think about why i am saying something
D) Write it out on paper and then read it

Why not some one just suggest that communication sucks, is impossible to do, and everyone will just have to learn to live my way? <wicked grin> god that sounds so much easier and friendly!



RiotGirl -> RE: Communication (8/22/2005 10:07:53 AM)

Yall are too kind and fast posters! Pink, it wasnt bravery, heck maybe it was. He'd kill me if he ever found out. One of the most memorable scenes with one of those girls. Gracie. 17 years old, riding in the car with her, in the backseat, the "teacher" in the front with a friend, and her in the back whispering nervously to me "do you think he's gonna kill us" All i could do was look at her and say "if you think he's gonna kill you, why did ya get in the car with him and i dont know."

oh putting myself in ICU had NOTHING to do with caring or hating the man. It was quite honestly after months of trying to escape my only option of getting away.

LOL and speaking to him. Dunno, never really spoke much around him. Wait for him to finish giving me a hard time. shoot the breeze, find out what was going on in his neck of the woods. Nothing of importance.



thelight -> RE: Communication (8/22/2005 10:17:42 AM)

you mentioned that, if you spoke with him, he would probably tell your master. is there a part of you that desires that?



slavedesires -> RE: Communication (8/22/2005 10:47:24 AM)

quote:

as i systematically hide behind the words i speak. i bascially live every day and in pretty much every relationship, hid what is really going on in my head. body language, facial expression, even the things i do, smiles. The things i say. Did you know if you ramble about meaningless things, ppl tend to tune you out and not dig deeper? i use ppl's perceptions, and i let their assumptions fly to alter what they see when it comes to me. i use alot of thing actually. i tried coming here a couple of days ago and writing this post. Couldnt do it. too darn open LOL

but the lines i live by when it comes to others is......... To show
enough of yourself, but not too much. To be
emotionally involved, but emotionally dettached. To
be honest about what you show, but showing nothing
that has any meaning. To be open, yet hiding all at
the same time. These lines, i walk consistantly, with
out thinking. Sometimes i slip, sometimes i cover my
tracks.


RG....i must admit to you...your whole post reminds me of me. i hide, i am a loner and intensely private and it is easier to open up anonymously. Like you, to post in forums and not accept email on the other side is better for me.
Your old track of thinking is flawed...if i might suggest that. i can say that cause i am a ditto, carbon copy of you. My dom has been desiring i open up more and tell him the pirvate little inside of me...and it takes me a long time. so i gave him the address of my journal..... a few times i have just posted him an entry..... he is always amazed.

quote:

Aye and i can easily tell you why i like being unreadable. It keeps me safe. Some one once got in my head, twisted it all around, and sent me to hell with out the handbasket. All becuase i wasnt careful with myself, and they used who i as to manipulate, play, destroy me. Not gonna let it happen again........................... i still see myself only showing parts here, keeping up with my old tactics that seem as if they are ingrained in me.


Safe is good...esp when protecting somthing private.
i see myself reflected in your words and i am feeling so vulnerable.

May i share something? i do not remember where i found it so no credit to anyone..am sorry....
" who is this i'm staring at
with tear filled eyes and quivering lips
i've never seen such longing
buried in such heavy eyes
buts its the meloncholy expression
that swallows me whole
such hatred for life
and contempt for fate
who, good lady are you?
i ask as if there was a doubt
a coubt to your identity such eyes could only come
froma glance ofa mirror
such a heavy expression
only from the arches of my own face....
the other me."

~~shy



slavedesires -> RE: Communication (8/22/2005 10:55:01 AM)

quote:

Why not some one just suggest that communication sucks, is impossible to do, and everyone will just have to learn to live my way? <wicked grin> god that sounds so much easier and friendly!


no truer words spoken RG

~~shy



RiotGirl -> RE: Communication (8/22/2005 11:31:01 AM)

Aye well i was hoping some one out there might be helped by my post. i mean i cant be the only one so terrible at it. Plus i never realised i was so TERRIBLE at communication. Only struck me a couple of days ago. Honestly, i always thought i was on a different level with it. Heh, more honestly, better then most. Why? Cos i communicate with body language, or lack of, and with out actually saying what is ment. With one of those friends i mentioned previously

i had a WHOLE conversation with out saying one word. What was the topic, Pepsi and coke. i sorta offended him, inadvertently, realising what the translation was gonna be after i said it and the conversation stopped using words at that point. Me getting across "no offense ment" him teasing and disbelieving because what i said was true, (just didnt mean for the offense) it went one for about 30 minutes. Its just strange the way they communicate. Words are meaningless. Paranoid ppl too. Heh. i suppose, words can be used against you, body language, facial expression, the eyes are all in the eye of the beholder. You cant come back later with a "he said this" Quite honestly, you said NOTHING and body language is interpertation, so using ones own "interpertation" you can always be wrong, there for closing out anything that is "said". i was told so many things, with out being told. i can see it now, "he shrugged, smled and glanced at you" Meaning ..... Too easy to rebute. Thats how it worked 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.

and the time Mad Mike told me "sometimes you shouldnt let ppl know when you are coming and going" and he went on to beat around the bush of the whys and therefores. With out saying it, he had just told me my boyfriend at the time was cheating on me.

Shy, i know who i am. i know the person in the mirror. Nice poem tho.



pinkpleasures -> RE: Communication (8/22/2005 3:07:04 PM)

quote:

well, all you are ever going to show is parts. it would take too long to show everything. so, you have to pick and choose what to show and what not to. complete honesty is unattainable. i said i wasn't going to give advice, but i'm about to give some anyway. a useful question to ask yourself is , "why is it that i want to show, or don't want to show, this particular part?" if the answer has something to do with the way you will be perceived, or the way others will respond, then you are moving away from your goal. sometimes, there will be multiple reasons for why you want to share or hide something, some reasons will have to do with other's percaptions, and other reasons will not. then you get into a real conundrum. but conundra are unavoidable. but just try to be honest with yourself. if you're considering whether to say something or not to say something, kick it around in your head and try to unravel your reasons.

Also, the prior relationship you mentioned, how did it end?

thelight


Everyone has something to hide, it seems. Stop pestering Riot Girl with personal questions, please. i did not see her take the witness seat this am.

pinkpleasures



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