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Calling dominant women, submissive men - 12/30/2007 8:33:03 PM

Matt22

Posts: 4
Joined: 12/30/2007
Status: offline

I have always admired strong men and wanted to be just like them. But unconsciously, I always knew that there was something off about myself. There are pictures of me at three years old with my head cocked and wearing a smile...girly. Well, I am not at all girly, but I have read about how in the gay male population, there are bottoms as well as tops. Yet, there doesn't seem to be any study about bottoms vs tops in the heterosexual population! I have come to realize that I fall into the category of a heterosexual bottom.

It may be a matter of a single gene switch. In all other aspects, I still relate to men better than women. In day to day living, I'm distinctly attracted to the nicer, more feminine, and more submissive women. Furthermore, playing the 'submissive' role in life or sex seems distasteful to me. Being the dominant person just feels like the healthier thing to do.

Yet, I'm still a bottom. If you were to put me in a room with a submissive woman and tell us to have sex, it would be like asking two women to have sex. There are only sexual sparks when I'm with a female top. I have no control over this. It seems to be a permanent trait.

So, my question is to other submissive men and dominant women out there. How do you reconcile this contradictory nature that you have? Does it cause problems in your dating life? Everything that I've seen has indicated that the rules are the same regardless of who's the top--meaning that the man must assume the role of top all the way to the bedroom in order for things to work out.

Post #: 1

RE: Calling dominant women, submissive men - 12/30/2007 9:05:25 PM

AllietheKitten

Posts: 115
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline

"Man as dominant" is social conditioning. Nothing more. We have been taught that men buy dinner, men take initiative, men are on top during sex...*yawn* All you need to do is change the way you think about it. I know, easier said than done, right? *smile*
When I was younger I used to feel like I had to apologize for being a dominant woman (many men mistake "dominant" for "domineering") and I had a lot of vanilla lovers that couldn't handle my nature. I found myself constantly pushing it down and constantly disappointed when the man didn't "step up". Little did I know I was shooting myself in the foot my choosing men that were naturally submissive, but since they were in the vanilla world they couldn't accept it and so resented me for taking control. It was a vicious circle for a few years. I eventually really just had to take stock of who I was and what kind of relationship I wanted and then I went on the hunt for it and ended up here.

I reconciled my nature simply by accepting it and refusing to compromise any more on the lover I desired. And I found like-minded people in the D/s world that didn't make me feel like a freak for being myself.

Couples are as diverse as sand-there are all kinds. In my relationship I am in change of most everything and me and my boy like that. Some other couples may want Top/bottom in the bedroom only. It all depends on what you desire. But you can find it if you look for it.

Good luck!

_____________________________

I don't believe in Destiny
Or the guiding hand of Fate
I don't believe in forever
of love as a mystical state
But I believe there's a ghost of a chance
We can find someone to love and make it last.
~Rush

(in reply to Matt22)

Post #: 2

RE: Calling dominant women, submissive men - 12/30/2007 9:11:56 PM

MissMagnolia

Posts: 3636
Status: offline

Contradictory nature? So as a woman, I should feel subservient?

No, not even a bit. I am very feminine, very dominant and don't see it as contradictory. I don't know where you got your rules, but they're wrong.

_____________________________

if at first you dont succeed..then skydiving isnt for you

Resident Whip Cracker AND Resident Orbs Of Joy.

(in reply to AllietheKitten)

Post #: 3

RE: Calling dominant women, submissive men - 12/30/2007 9:23:48 PM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Matt22
How do you reconcile this contradictory nature that you have?

I dont see it as a contradictory nature. I am a strong Dominant woman who never tok to the common social stigma that the man has to be in charge. My family has always been female-run, and the men have never been considered less than masculine just becasue they answered to their wives. At leat as far as *MY* family goes, being in a male-lead household would be the conrtaditory nature.

quote:

Does it cause problems in your dating life?

Not at all. Right now, I am dating a wonderful submissive man. Even when I was in the vanila dating scene, the problems I had with men never had to do with my Dominant nature. There are many men who like a strong, take charge woman. Our issues stemmed more from communication issues than anything else.

quote:

Everything that I've seen has indicated that the rules are the same regardless of who's the top--meaning that the man must assume the role of top all the way to the bedroom in order for things to work out.

You need to read a new rulebook. Get out and meet more people, and pay close attention. There are a huge number of couples out in the vanilla world that are not male-centric. And of course, there is us. There is an entire lifestyle of Dominant women and submissive men who are perfectly happy in those roles.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to Matt22)

Post #: 4

RE: Calling dominant women, submissive men - 12/30/2007 9:51:12 PM

Matt22

Posts: 4
Joined: 12/30/2007
Status: offline

rrrr. Thanks for the responses. They're solid, and they say in very clear language that these sort of relationships do happen and are healthy. Still...I have had enough experience to see that it doesn't work for me if she is running the show.

(in reply to Matt22)

Post #: 5

RE: Calling dominant women, submissive men - 12/30/2007 10:17:42 PM

ShaktiSama

Posts: 1674
Joined: 8/13/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Matt22
In all other aspects, I still relate to men better than women.

Oh, that's ALWAYS such a good sign in a heterosexual man.

quote:

In day to day living, I'm distinctly attracted to the nicer, more feminine, and more submissive women.

I love how you put "nice", "feminine" and "submissive" together automatically. "Nasty", "masculine" and "dominant" must also go together automatically, in your mind. What a pity it is that all those "nice", "feminine", "submissive" women don't make you hard, like they do for all those properly "nasty", "masculine", "dominant" men.

quote:

Furthermore, playing the 'submissive' role in life or sex seems distasteful to me. Being the dominant person just feels like the healthier thing to do.

Couldn't agree with you more. That's why I'm dominant. Whether it makes people think I'm "nasty" and "masculine" or not.

quote:

If you were to put me in a room with a submissive woman and tell us to have sex, it would be like asking two women to have sex.

Yes, it's inconceivable that two women could ever have sex that involved sparks.

Good LORD, Matt. Are you a time traveler from another century? Possibly one from before the invention of movable type?

quote:

So, my question is to other submissive men and dominant women out there. How do you reconcile this contradictory nature that you have? Does it cause problems in your dating life?

Some of us don't regard our natures as contradictory. The only problems in one's dating life are caused by trying to date people of the wrong orientation--or people who are so overburdened by stereotypes and cliches about "proper" men and women that they would rather deny who they are and what they need than accept and enjoy it.

(in reply to Matt22)

Post #: 6

RE: Calling dominant women, submissive men - 12/30/2007 10:19:21 PM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

I do not have a contridicatory nature, I am Dominant naturally. I prefer subsmissive men in my relationships and I always have. I look upon other dominants as equals regardless of gender. I feel attracted to submissives and protective towards them, its just how I am wired. I am in control in the bedroom and out of it, that is how I prefer things and either the man agrees or he will be replaced.

In my relationships with Dominant males it was always a battle of the wills and I do not give in, so they were doomed. But I look at it this way I am what I am and I'm not about to change now at this age.

~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to Matt22)

Post #: 7

RE: Calling dominant women, submissive men - 12/30/2007 11:16:31 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

My slave bruce, who doesn't have an account here, really wanted to answer your post. I'm allowing him to use my account to do so. Your words are in black, his in red.

Master Fire

-----
I have always admired strong men and wanted to be just like them. (You can be a strong man and be a bottom. It takes a strong man to own that part of himself)
But unconsciously, I always knew that there was something off about myself. (If it were unconscious then you wouldn't know there was something "off." You are conscious; congratulations! You are not "off" you are different. Be proud of that, OK?)
There are pictures of me at three years old with my head cocked and wearing a smile...girly. Well, I am not at all girly, but I have read about how in the gay male population, there are bottoms as well as tops. (being a bottom does not make you a girl (or submissive), Ask any masculine looking, masculine acting gay male bottom)
Yet, there doesn't seem to be any study about bottoms vs tops in the heterosexual population! I have come to realize that I fall into the category of a heterosexual bottom. (many men can not even verbalize this to themselves much less post it on the internet, You have courage)

It may be a matter of a single gene switch. In all other aspects, I still relate to men better than women. In day to day living, I'm distinctly attracted to the nicer, more feminine, and more submissive women. (Could there be a nice feminine submissive women who enjoys topping men? you bet!)
Furthermore, playing the 'submissive' role in life or sex seems distasteful to me. (being submissive does not aways mean being bottom,) Being the dominant person just feels like the healthier thing to do. (Is it really healthier? Healthier for you? what if you are not wired to be the more dominant person in relationship to a woman? My Master is way,way more dominant than i am, and i am plenty dominant in the rest of my life, it is so healthy for me to not be the dominant in my relationship, it's simply not me....)

Yet, I'm still a bottom. If you were to put me in a room with a submissive woman and tell us to have sex, it would be like asking two women to have sex. There are only sexual sparks when I'm with a female top. I have no control over this. It seems to be a permanent trait. (It is how you are wired. It just simply "is". finding a female top is easy, letting go of your attachment to how this will manifest: maybe not so easy)

So, my question is to other submissive men and dominant women out there. How do you reconcile this contradictory nature that you have? (I was the willing to be real and authentic in my life and be myself. I stopped hiding)
Does it cause problems in your dating life? (Yes, this is not easy, be prepared, find allies, friends, support and if you need it, therapy. The more you accept your self the easier it will be....)
Everything that I've seen has indicated that the rules are the same regardless of who's the top--meaning that the man must assume the role of top all the way to the bedroom in order for things to work out. (You have not seen everything, What you are looking for does not exist in the culture at large. Start looking harder, a lot harder. You get to decide the rules of your life. How do you think collarme got started? Someone broke some rules. Are you willing to break the rules that bind you?)

This is not a problem to be solved, it is a journey to be taken. You may not end up getting what you want, but trust me, you will get what you need and you will be truly amazed. Trust your desires fully, they will absolutely take you where you need to go....

slave bruce

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to Matt22)

Post #: 8

RE: Calling dominant women, submissive men - 12/31/2007 1:05:01 AM

CuriousLord

Posts: 3911
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline

Good luck.. you're certainly in an interesting predicament.

There are a number of men out there who are bottoming Dom's. They act as Dom's outside of the bedroom, but bottoms in it. (That's the claim, anyhow.. I've never personally met one outside of seeing some text on these boards.) It may be a route to consider.

One thing you might want to clarify.. on the "If you were to put me in a room with a submissive woman and tell us to have sex, it would be like asking two women to have sex" line..
..did you mean it would be like asking two women to have sex in the respect that two women wouldn't have an attraction, or do you mean that would be like asking two submissives to have sex? (I feel you may've meant submissives, yet used "women" as it seems you feel that women are the natural submissives.)

(in reply to Matt22)

Post #: 9

RE: Calling dominant women, submissive men - 12/31/2007 2:14:35 AM

pompeii

Posts: 934
Joined: 1/4/2007
From: Silicon Valley, San Jose, California
Status: offline

Dunno ... a man should never apologize for being a man. Period.

(in reply to CuriousLord)

Post #: 10

RE: Calling dominant women, submissive men - 12/31/2007 7:34:43 AM

Ebonybbw

Posts: 114
Joined: 12/2/2007
Status: offline

quote:

My family has always been female-run, and the men have never been considered less than masculine just becasue they answered to their wives.

Same here. My mother ran my family. My father was masculine but mom handled the day to day business. If I was in a vanilla relationship it would be the same. I am domineering.. that is just who I am. I guess that means I am a top... rather its in the living room or bedroom... It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with that.. I like when a man can take control in the bedroom, but most of the ones who come to mine, just don't... so I have to lead. Vanilla relationships have not worked for me in the past because of my Top personality and Top attitude. The brothers couldn't handle it which is part of the reason I hung mostly outside of my race. I am a woman of the latter part of the last century and I don't sit back and wait for it to happen. I make it happen...

< Message edited by Ebonybbw -- 12/31/2007 7:37:04 AM >

_____________________________

Mistress Ebony
Miami's Newest Supersized Domme
http://yourebonybbw.googlepages.com/mistressebony

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 11

RE: Calling dominant women, submissive men - 12/31/2007 7:45:28 AM

Matt22

Posts: 4
Joined: 12/30/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CuriousLord
One thing you might want to clarify.. on the "If you were to put me in a room with a submissive woman and tell us to have sex, it would be like asking two women to have sex" line..
..did you mean it would be like asking two women to have sex in the respect that two women wouldn't have an attraction, or do you mean that would be like asking two submissives to have sex? (I feel you may've meant submissives, yet used "women" as it seems you feel that women are the natural submissives.)

Yeah, I meant two submissives. That probably wasn't the best scenario....what it all comes down to is me + bottom woman = no sexual tension. And me + top woman = an almost uncomfortable amount.

Thanks again to everyone for the responses. I'm especially glad to hear from a fellow sub. And ShaktiSama, are you kidding me?? Try "masculine" "dominant" "awesome" or even just "feminine" "dominant" "awesome."

(in reply to CuriousLord)

Post #: 12

RE: Calling dominant women, submissive men - 12/31/2007 7:52:08 AM

domahpet

Posts: 1505
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Santa Rosa
Status: offline

i have the feeling that later in the day youre gonna get soooo flamed...

but, i undertand your point about 2 subs together, it never works for me either.
if youre a top, then youre a top, whats all the fuss about?
if youre a sub, then youre a sub, whats allt he fuss about?
keep it simple, let it flow
youre headed in the right direction by being here and getting info, it'll get frustrating sure,
but i have the feeling that unless there are some unmentioned underlying issues,
itll all work out for you.

(in reply to Matt22)

Post #: 13

RE: Calling dominant women, submissive men - 12/31/2007 8:31:48 AM

AFlyInYourWeb

Posts: 284
Joined: 8/30/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ShaktiSama

Some of us don't regard our natures as contradictory. The only problems in one's dating life are caused by trying to date people of the wrong orientation--or people who are so overburdened by stereotypes and cliches about "proper" men and women that they would rather deny who they are and what they need than accept and enjoy it.

Very well said.

I simply don't date submissives or vanilla; it is a waste of her time as well as mine. I have fewer "dates"...but I enjoy the ones I have much more.

It's all a question of taste...and there's no accounting for taste.

< Message edited by AFlyInYourWeb -- 12/31/2007 8:33:26 AM >

_____________________________

Stories: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=334308
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(in reply to ShaktiSama)

Post #: 14

RE: Calling dominant women, submissive men - 12/31/2007 8:36:37 AM

ShaktiSama

Posts: 1674
Joined: 8/13/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Matt22
And ShaktiSama, are you kidding me?? Try "masculine" "dominant" "awesome" or even just "feminine" "dominant" "awesome."

Yes, for the most part I am kidding you! But your post did come across all full of icky sexist cliches, not to mention being ignorant/insulting to lesbian and bisexual women.

Anyhoo, I'm not sure why you are have angst. As a submissive man, isn't it natural to be attracted to dominance and to think it's awesome? If you weren't attracted to dominance, how would you ever meet sexy people who make you hard and eventually fall in love with them--?

Anyway, one thing I have learned over the years is that gender has nothing whatsoever to do with dominance. Another thing I have learned is that trying to be something you are NOT, because society tries to give you no other option, is NOT awesome.

Happiness in one's dating life comes when you find someone who accepts and loves you as you are. That's the sort of person who will meet your physical and emotional needs, whatever they may be. Unfortunately, you cannot find someone like that until you accept and love yourself. My advice would be to work on that. The rest will come naturally afterward.

(in reply to Matt22)

Post #: 15

RE: Calling dominant women, submissive men - 12/31/2007 8:47:09 AM

crouchingtigress

Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline

i am not going to flame you, i feel you are sincere asking a sincere question, but what i want to point out is what feels like a fatalistic tone in your post.

you cant let the past dictate your future.

dont give up there are plenty of women wired dom, and straight, and would love a man like you.

and dont take this the wrong way, but a lot of times folks blame their orientation or kink as the reason relationships dont work out, but from what i have seen more often then not it is communication and negotiation skills that are lacking. being in a relationship has a certain skill set no matter male-female, dom- sub, and maybe as you strengthen that aspect of you , you will find what you seek a little faster.

_____________________________

Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."

(in reply to AFlyInYourWeb)

Post #: 16

RE: Calling dominant women, submissive men - 12/31/2007 8:53:02 AM

MistressNoName

Posts: 664
Joined: 10/26/2006
Status: offline

The language you use to describe how our social norms suggest we women conduct ourselves, as: "...nicer, more feminine, and more submissive..." is interesting and caught my eye. Society suggests this is the way it ought to be and perhaps for some women, this is actually natural for them. To each her own. In my own process of "reconciling" or coming to terms with my own Dominance, well, it's an ongoing process, really. It involves recognizing that I'm still the same nice, nuturing, involved person that I ever was. That yes, I'm embracing my Dominance, but it doesn't mean that I've now also got to become the aggressive bitch that many people believe goes along with being a Dominant woman. Nor does it compromise my femininity, but rather gives me freer reign in the expression of myself as a Woman.

Not everyone I encounter, even within the community, can wrap their brains around the concept of Female-led relationships and households - unless we are talking about single mothers...To many, it's ok for a household to be led by a Woman, as long as there is no man in the household. And because these attitudes prevail, it can be difficult, again, even within the community (lifestyle) to find a way to just be who you are. Fortunately for me, I am part of a very diverse community because of the area I live in...still, I've run into many people in the leather community, here, who inwardly frown at the idea. It makes it challenging, but for me there is no turning back. I am who I am, and that's all there is to it.

The process is different for everyone and can be as joyful as you make it.

Best in 2008,

MNN

_____________________________

aka Ms Petal - Check Me out on the Web.

(in reply to Matt22)

Post #: 17

RE: Calling dominant women, submissive men - 12/31/2007 9:12:16 AM

LadyLynx

Posts: 1098
Joined: 7/24/2007
Status: offline

I didn't read all of the responses, so forgive me.

Matt22, it sounds like you really need to reconsile with yourself, (and possibly alittle therapy.) before you can have a healthy stable relationship, (regardless of the dynamics.)

_____________________________

Our community maybe openminded as a whole, but it is still made up of individuals who bring in their own opinions,baggage and agendas!

Known as SwitchWitch in my local community,and on IRC Bondage.

I also go by the nic SwitchWitch on MDS.

(in reply to MistressNoName)

Post #: 18

RE: Calling dominant women, submissive men - 12/31/2007 11:06:06 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Matt22

rrrr. Thanks for the responses. They're solid, and they say in very clear language that these sort of relationships do happen and are healthy. Still...I have had enough experience to see that it doesn't work for me if she is running the show.

I think what you are talking about is kinky as sexual activity versus kinky as relationship dynamic.

I believe that called "the majority of people" -- what you like in the bedroom can have absolutely nothing to do with the rest of your life.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to Matt22)

Post #: 19

RE: Calling dominant women, submissive men - 12/31/2007 11:13:59 AM

Matt22

Posts: 4
Joined: 12/30/2007
Status: offline

Thanks one last time for the responses, everyone. I think I'm pretty much set with this issue now. The core of my social being is a submissive, and I'll just have to accept it. I can still be cool in general.

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 20

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