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Mindfuck Recovery? - 12/30/2007 8:51:14 PM   
SubmissiveinSD


Posts: 7
Joined: 9/1/2007
Status: offline 		Hello A/all!


So, i have posted this question on one other popular lifestyle forum; but i figured it doesn't hurt to go everywhere i can; in order to get some advice on what is, to me at least, a rather odd topic. Any and all assistance will be greatly appreciated!
As a sub i have recently changed hands, into a poly home that is much more stable, and much more experienced. They provide more support, and care for their submissives much more. It's a much healthier environment, in which i am very happy.
In this, i wish to be as useful and pleasurable as possible for them. The problem that has brought me here is a residual effect from the last couple i served. They were both new, though i was led to believe that one of them had much more experience than he did in reality; he was training his partner as a Domme at this time.
i found myself on chastity restriction, which i have no issue with whatsoever, as a sub i find this very enjoyable, provided the Dom\Domme knows what they're doing. Unfortunately, this was not the case.
i was in chastity for a solid two weeks, and found myself being punished for an unrelated action by being told to masturbate, while apologizing to this Domme(who was not present). This punishment literally had me in tears as i performed it. It was a very intense and very harsh punishment, which in hindsight showed a strong lack of knowledge on the part of both her and her partner Dom; because they did not understand the power or damage that it would create.
The mindfuck occured roughly one month ago, but i was still serving them up until last weekend. In the time since the mindfuck, things were not discussed, the Dominants had simply considered that since it wasn't a topic of discussion, there was no problem. It was not a topic of discussion because they had instructed it not to be at the same time the punishment was assigned. At this time, i was told something to the effect of "after this punishment, you will no longer be in chastity, you are not worthwhile for this. You will not discuss masturbation with us any further after this punishment."

In the time since the punishment, due to being told NOT to discuss it, things deteriorated further; i felt that while i was very attracted to the people i served, it would be unnaceptable to be physically aroused, as this seemed to displease them. There was only one occasion afterwards where i had an erection around them and did not feel either guilty or humiliated about it.

Before going on chastity for her, i was a heavily-regular masturbator, literally 3-8 times in a day. i had a VERY high sex drive, which was very good, and very much appreciated by others i have served. Since this occured, my sex drive has plummeted; i am usually lucky to be able to go once every two or three days; and recently when asked to please those i serve in this way, i was unable to do so.
i told them what happened, and they understood; and asked if there was anything they could do to help. At this point, i'm really unsure as to how to get things back to normal, there's just such a deeply negative stigma around it since then.
So, i'm hoping someone Dom or sub can offer suggestions on how to get out of this unwanted mindfuck, and back to normal for those who i am so happy to be in service to now. It's dissapointing and for obvious reasons it's more than slightly embarassing when you can't get aroused for those you serve, regardless of the cause.


i've tried using a person's name while doing it, to try and mentally associate them with arousal, which has helped to a degree, but only a small degree. It took time to build up to the level i was at, so i don't expect to be right back there again right away after this, but i'd like to get at least a normal sex drive again.

It just really bothers me, knowing that i'm strongly attracted, i want to perform like i was only a few months ago, before putting too much stock in these 'dominants'. As a male, i know that they understand the situation completely, they've seen me perform well for long periods of time; but it's still really embarrassing and depressing when i can't do it for them. i just keep thinking back to the humiliation and degradation that was associated with erections and sexual pleasure by the prior house i served; and that seems to pull my head out of 'happy time zone' more often than not.

Thanks in advance for any honest advice on this one.

A few things that have been tried:
-Physical pleasuring of the cock, balls, nipples, and ass. This had some success, but not nearly what would be considered the normal.
-Light to strong pinching, slapping, etc. This had mild success when light, and though i enjoy it, it was counterproductive towards arousal in the heavier instances.
-Pornography. This works a bit, but not always, and is not always a practical means, nor was it needed in the past.

Thanks agian A\all!

Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Mindfuck Recovery? - 12/30/2007 10:35:51 PM   
Typcynic


Posts: 27
Joined: 4/27/2004
Status: offline 		Hi SubmissiveinSD,

I'm sorry to hear of your bad experience and I can only offer some general comments.  I would say getting away from these people was the best thing you did.  Since it's only been a week or so, you'll need to give it time.  You shouldn't expect to recover right away, you've suffered a strong emotional abuse.  Physical tricks won't work either. It will take time and forming an emotional bond with someone you can trust.  Then they can help you get back up to speed.  You're young, and the fact that you can write about it will do much to speed your recovery.  But you can't force or rush it.  

(in reply to SubmissiveinSD)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Mindfuck Recovery? - 12/31/2007 1:17:18 PM   
KindLadyGrey


Posts: 358
Joined: 11/6/2007
Status: offline 		There are some things your new Dominants can do to help, and it is wonderful to hear that they are so supportive. Still, anything is going to take time.

Here's a page straight from the behaviorism book: Positive reinforcement is the absolute best way to encourage a behavior (like sexual arousal).

What this means, however, is that you have to wait until the behavior occurs naturally in order to reinforce it. And that's okay! Keep playing with your new family in every way but sexually. Kisses, cuddles, bondage, whips, chains. . .whatever makes you happy. Just assume a scene will not involve sex.

When you do end up getting physically aroused, that's where your new Dominants come in. They need to praise you and pleasure you and tell you how much it pleases them that they excite you. For a while, until you are recovered, there should never ever be any teasing or denial, just consistent positive reinforcement and satisfaction of your natural desires. Basically, you need to reverse the conditioning that made you feel like arousal was bad and create new conditioning that makes you feel like it's the best thing ever! If you get aroused when they aren't around, you should feel the urge to go wag it at them with a stupid grin so they can tell you what a good boy you are ;)

Your Dominants do need to help with this though, and it will take a while. . .in a live in situation I'd say at least a couple of months. I wouldn't be surprised if they were already aware of the option to recondition, but they might be waiting to see if being in a more caring environment will take care of the problem eventually by itself. Still, it doesn't hurt to mention the idea to them.

(in reply to Typcynic)
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RE: Mindfuck Recovery? - 12/31/2007 1:20:03 PM   
KindLadyGrey


Posts: 358
Joined: 11/6/2007
Status: offline 		Oh, and also. . .

*HUGS*

(in reply to SubmissiveinSD)
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RE: Mindfuck Recovery? - 12/31/2007 2:23:05 PM   
batshalom


Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline 		You're in a brand new dynamic after one that was detrimental to you. The more comfortable you become with these new people, the easier it will be. Don't obsess - just relax, enjoy your new surroundings, and things will get back to normal for you.

(in reply to KindLadyGrey)
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RE: Mindfuck Recovery? - 12/31/2007 4:28:18 PM   
SubmissiveinSD


Posts: 7
Joined: 9/1/2007
Status: offline 		Thank you for the advice, all!

i'm still kind of gathering some minor pointers that i've gotten from a few people; but overall it seems that it really is going to be time, which fortunately i have plenty of with this new house.

Thanks again all, and have a happy and safe new year!

(in reply to batshalom)
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RE: Mindfuck Recovery? - 12/31/2007 4:46:10 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		What is with the sudden trend of everyone using the term "mindfuck" to mean "anything that fucks up with someones head?"

Fucking with someones head is not the same as a mindfuck.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to SubmissiveinSD)
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RE: Mindfuck Recovery? - 12/31/2007 4:53:06 PM   
SubmissiveinSD


Posts: 7
Joined: 9/1/2007
Status: offline 		It is simply the term that has been generated from the first few people who heard the situation. So, this is what i posted it as.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: Mindfuck Recovery? - 12/31/2007 4:58:54 PM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		Ok well that's not a mindfuck and they were foolish and again (this isn't the first thread like this so pardon my rant) arousal, chastity, orgasm are not things to mess around with like amateurs.  OP have you considered just having sex in whatever form you find most enjoyable of  your chosing with someone?  I think you will get over this, but it seems to be emotional, not physical and I would guess (which is all we can do not knowing you or the situation) that when you feel like you are truly safe again you will be ok.  If it persists, I would look for professional help.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to SubmissiveinSD)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Mindfuck Recovery? - 1/1/2008 11:17:07 PM   
SubmissiveinSD


Posts: 7
Joined: 9/1/2007
Status: offline 		Yes, it is definitely emotional. I've been able to practice intercourse with them a couple times in the last few weeks, but it's really a mental thing that keeps me from doing this. I'm all for chastity as part of D\s, *IF* the Dominant is experienced. This was not the case. i was led to believe that there was much more experience in that house than their really was, this was not simple to verify, as they had not been in the area for all that long, so had no reputation.

In actuality, there were a lot of things that they need to learn; some of which they realized, some of which they may never grasp. Their idea of 'poly' seems downright incorrect to me at this point, they are an open couple; but they are incapable of getting serious with any third or fourth. Instead, they simply led on two submissives whom they had no intention of keeping, collaring, or otherwise owning.

That rant aside, what happened was a result of a foolish Dominant who didn't know what she was doing, and a foolish sub who didn't recognize it. i've learned a lot from the experience, and am simply happy that A.) i met a sub i am now very happy to continue serving along side and B.) i am now in a healthier happier home. It sounds like it's simply going to be a matter of time before i return emotionally to my prior headspace in this regard. At least they're understanding about it; it's nice not having to stress about this issue; but as a young male, it's still hard not too.

Thanks again to everyone for the advice!

(in reply to laurell3)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Mindfuck Recovery? - 1/2/2008 9:53:08 PM   
VMistressV


Posts: 78
Joined: 12/29/2007
Status: offline 		You poor thing. Ask your doms to help. It offers them a real goal to strive for which keeps things interesting and gives them a sense of accomplishment when they finally "fix" you. Beg them to help you with this problem. Positive reinforcement is the key. They could simply reward you when you perform for them. But take it in baby steps, like praise whenever you get an erection, then whenever you exeed expectations by doing even better. etc etc.

Do you have trouble masturbating or maintaining in any capacity. Like having them "take" an orgasm from you by jacking you off?
You have my sympathy.



(in reply to Typcynic)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Mindfuck Recovery? - 1/3/2008 12:46:02 AM   
pixelslave


Posts: 1444
Joined: 8/19/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SubmissiveinSD

Yes, it is definitely emotional. I've been able to practice intercourse with them a couple times in the last few weeks, but it's really a mental thing that keeps me from doing this. I'm all for chastity as part of D\s, *IF* the Dominant is experienced. This was not the case. i was led to believe that there was much more experience in that house than their really was, this was not simple to verify, as they had not been in the area for all that long, so had no reputation.

In actuality, there were a lot of things that they need to learn; some of which they realized, some of which they may never grasp. Their idea of 'poly' seems downright incorrect to me at this point, they are an open couple; but they are incapable of getting serious with any third or fourth. Instead, they simply led on two submissives whom they had no intention of keeping, collaring, or otherwise owning.

That rant aside, what happened was a result of a foolish Dominant who didn't know what she was doing, and a foolish sub who didn't recognize it. i've learned a lot from the experience, and am simply happy that A.) i met a sub i am now very happy to continue serving along side and B.) i am now in a healthier happier home. It sounds like it's simply going to be a matter of time before i return emotionally to my prior headspace in this regard. At least they're understanding about it; it's nice not having to stress about this issue; but as a young male, it's still hard not too.

Thanks again to everyone for the advice!



You're totally on track that your problem is emotional.  You've been traumatized and need to both recognize and accept that.  It's going to take time to get over what's happened and to recover from it.  The first thing I'd highly recommend you do is put all ideas and thoughts about chastity training out of your head.  That's the last thing you need to trouble yourself with right now and it's totally counter to your needs.  It's also going to be a trigger for some time that will remind you of the trauma you've experienced.
 
As at least one other mentioned, I'd strongly encourage you to consider finding a kink friendly therapist to see for at least some period of time to talk with them about what happened.  It was traumatic for you and there are ways for them to help you get beyond it that will desensitise you to the experience.  You might search on EMDR for one example of a therapy that is known to be very successful for those who've experienced traumatic events.
 
When you are erect and with a partner, just focus on the sensations, not on trying to ejaculate.  Remember, it's not a contest and you're not performing for anyone except the perfectionist inside your head (the big one).  Enjoy the experience of being with your partner and under no circumstances should you pressure yourself to perform.  The latter is often called "spectatoring" (you might want to google it).  Take the pressure off of yourself and in time it will happen as you heal from the traumatic experience. 
 
I can tell you from my own experience, that trying to make it happen will only be counter-productive.  I experienced orgasm control training with a former Mistress that affected me greatly over time.  It has been a struggle to overcome when with a partner as I was conditioned not to ejaculate until or unless I was given permission, frequently being locked up for the night while still erect and denied a release.  Patience and time are going to be the key.  Just continue to love yourself and give yourself as much time you feel you need.  Trust me when I say there's no hurry.  In time it will happen when your mind and body are both ready. 
 
 - pixel
 


_____________________________

Chivalry isn't dead! It's for those who have it in their hearts & are willing to be taught. It's a way of life, a code of honor; this one's armor still needs some polishing!

(in reply to SubmissiveinSD)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Mindfuck Recovery? - 1/3/2008 4:30:16 PM   
WillowRain


Posts: 191
Joined: 6/18/2006
Status: offline 		How about acceptance, love and time. You had experiences that made arousal seem displeasing and unsafe, you need to have  experiences of your arousal bringing delight and joy. You  need to feel safe and accepted would be my guess, and have repeated experiences of  success and delight. This isn't forever, please be patient with yourself and put your body and your sexuality into gentle, nurturing hands that can control you in a way that will help you feel safe when you open into your vibrant sexuality.

All my best wishes to you. Sadly, I deeply understand the spaces you are in. Have  faith, passion will come again.

(in reply to SubmissiveinSD)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Mindfuck Recovery? - 1/3/2008 6:17:33 PM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline 		I have learned that I can forgive a great deal. My capacity for it seems to be quite healthy. There are those things however, that wound very deeply...and all though they can be, and are forgiven ...a NASTY scar is left behind. Although forgiven...also forever changed. Thats just me...your mileage may vary.

_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Mike posts in black font
candy posts in pink font

(in reply to WillowRain)
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RE: Mindfuck Recovery? - 1/3/2008 9:43:02 PM   
trusting


Posts: 144
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Virginia
Status: offline 		i am sorry that you went through this and i know how it has affected you... but for you to be able to serve your new owners adequately and to the best of your ability, you will have to figure something out within yourself so that you are able to overcome this.

i wish that i was able to give some helpful ideas, but i am not... i wish you the best!

*hugs*


_____________________________

"Education's purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one." -Malcolm Forbes

(in reply to SubmissiveinSD)
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