A slave identity? (Full Version)

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SubmissiveAK -> A slave identity? (12/31/2007 5:43:53 AM)

Ok so I have been a bit confused lately.

I've been talking with a friend a lot lately about becoming his slave. I have a lot of reservations, not the least of which is that I feel he's more my Dom friend than a "Master", but anyways its been illuminating for my feelings on the matter. What it comes down to a lot of is, am I a slave or am I a submissive.

Now I seek a 24/7 power exchange, its something that both frightens the heck out of me but I also feel I need. I want to submit and let someone else control my life, or at least a part of it. The problem is, in my thinking its still "me" oriented. Im not sure if that's because I dont see him as "Master" or if its just my mindset. Im still thinking in terms of my future and my growth as a person: whats best for me. That doesn't mean I dont want to serve him, or that I'll turn whenever he makes a choice I dont like... but maybe it means I am not a "slave".

I want to give up control, but I need to live for my own sake as well.

Struggling quietly,
~submissiveAK~



tricia -> RE: A slave identity? (12/31/2007 6:33:16 AM)

There are many submissives  who do not consider themselves slaves  and still live a 24/7 power exchange. 

quote:

  Now I seek a 24/7 power exchange, its something that both frightens the heck out of me but I also feel I need. I want to submit and let someone else control my life, or at least a part of it. The problem is, in my thinking its still "me" oriented. Im not sure if that's because I dont see him as "Master" or if its just my mindset. Im still thinking in terms of my future and my growth as a person: whats best for me. That doesn't mean I dont want to serve him, or that I'll turn whenever he makes a choice I dont like... but maybe it means I am not a "slave".

I want to give up control, but I need to live for my own sake as well.


As a submissive person who is a slave in her relationship, i think your views on slavery might be a bit idealistic.  I think there are very few relationships where the dominant figure is making every single decision, big and small.  Or where they are controlling every aspect of your world.  Personally, if i didn't look out for myself in some respect, my owner would find that extremely irresponsible  and selfish on my part.  It has little to do with identifying as a submissive or a slave. 



sweetstorm -> RE: A slave identity? (12/31/2007 6:58:03 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: tricia

Personally, if i didn't look out for myself in some respect, my owner would find that extremely irresponsible  and selfish on my part.  It has little to do with identifying as a submissive or a slave. 


That is a GREAT POINT, tricia. I've attempted to explain this to one of my sub-sisters more than once. You just can't put that much pressure on another person, it isn't fair.

To the OP, perhaps discussing this with your Dom would make things clearer? If you have the feeling that He's a Dom, but not your Master and you want to have some control over your life still.... that seems like then maybe you are both on the same line of thinking?

Personally, I think communication and just sitting down with your partner and spilling your guts on how you feel - really feel, terrible gut-wrenching fears and all - is the best way to solve problems and avoid miscommunications. Addressing the things you are afraid of before they come up can sometimes put all your worries to rest.



daddysgirl804 -> RE: A slave identity? (12/31/2007 7:01:36 AM)

im sorry you are having this struggle, but you are not alone.  i think it is natural to be scared as heck going into a 24/7 relationship, especially if you have never been in one before.  There are always expectations and little things the we fret over, but that is part of figuring things out and learning to mesh together.  and i agree with tricia; you have to look out for yourself to a certain extent.  if your Master is like most GOOD Masters, then He will want was is best for you too. and He wont want a doormate to walk all over, but a human being with thoughts and opinions, dreams and goals.  it seems like you know what you need... have you tried voicing your concerns respectfully to Him?  He would probably understand, and may have similar fears... it would probably help the two of you grow together to get thru this, and become the Master/ slave that you both want and need.



BoundDown -> RE: A slave identity? (12/31/2007 7:14:09 AM)

darlin' you are putting that cart way before your horse... All things are progressions, start small.... first see if you can even submit to this Domish friend, then you'll know if you even have to worry about being a 24/7.
Not all slaves jump into TPE like getting in the shower, some of us do it as if approaching the ocean. Test the waters before you jump in head first. Plus you have to take into consideration the "love factor";  some of us, once in love, can be nothing but the slave of the one who welds the whip.
You seem to have a bit going on in your life, at least from what I gleaned from your profile, and as you grow and come to understand more about yourself, and this friend, you will find the path that is right for you. Til then, enjoy the journey and don't sweat the small stuff. Good luck!



sweetnurseBBW -> RE: A slave identity? (12/31/2007 7:29:08 AM)

I wouldn't get caught up in the labels. Be who you want to be and what works for you. Being in a TPE doesn't mean you have to be a slave. Being a slave is whatever works for those involved. Don't let others definitions confuse you. What works for one relationship doesn't for another. Every relationship is unique and individualized to fit those in it.



nephandi -> RE: A slave identity? (12/31/2007 7:35:58 AM)

Hi

Off course you think of your development and your well being, who should you not? Slaves are pepole to. To be a slave one need the wish to serve, perhaps even the need to do so. But you are still you, perhaps eventually another person, your Master will be more important to you in your life than yourself, but that do not happen whit a snap of a finger.

i wish you well



SlavesSoul -> RE: A slave identity? (12/31/2007 7:46:15 AM)

Don't get caught up in "does this mean I am not a slave".

   I have been in a 24/7 TPE as a slave. This doesn't mean that I can feel that with every Dominant male I meet. I have friends that are Masters, wonderful men that I respect and would give excellent references for...but they could not be my Master, we just don't have that chemistry / dynamic.

  I may scene with them, because I do trust them competely, but they just don't trigger that need to serve in me.

    I'm in no hurry, i would prefer to have things develope naturally into what they are meant to be. Relax, there is no rush. If it doesn't feel right, then maybe it isn't...then again maybe it could be in time. Who knows?

Do you  have to make a decision now? Can you just scene, continue to be friends, and see if things develope beyond friendship?  I am not necessarily talking about becomming sexual, I don't have actual sex with my casual play partners.

  Be honest with yourself, and with him...do not settle thinking that this may be your only shot, it isn't. I am ...um...a bit older than you, and I am not hearing the sounds of the sand draining form the hour glass. I am enjoying what I have in the here and now. Seriously, it will be fine.

k



SubmissiveAK -> RE: A slave identity? (12/31/2007 10:10:31 AM)

well I dont expect my Owner to make EVERY decision for me....

"Master, sorry to wake you up but... its 2AM and I cant fall asleep. Should I read a book or turn on some soft music?"

I do expect they will take control of my life in other ways though. Stuff like what I can eat and how much, how much I can spend and on what, how much free time I am allowed, etc. I expect all that, even the things im not so sure I will like. Still is it ok for me to be thinking of myself in the long-term? Im still seeing plans of college and what to do with my future and someday moving to seattle...

am I just too self-focused? Shouldn't a slave leave all that stuff to her Master/Mistress?



sweetstorm -> RE: A slave identity? (12/31/2007 10:20:58 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SubmissiveAK

Im still seeing plans of college and what to do with my future and someday moving to seattle...

am I just too self-focused? Shouldn't a slave leave all that stuff to her Master/Mistress?


No. Why should you? Don't GIVE UP your life because of someone else. They should be encouraging you and helping you to get to YOUR GOALS also. It should be a beneficial relationship for both of you.

If I told a Master that I wanted to go to college and He said No or even I'll think about it.... I'd hand Him my strap-on and tell Him to go fuck Himself.

You are person with a brain. Nurture it.



junecleaver -> RE: A slave identity? (12/31/2007 11:49:58 AM)

quote:

I want to give up control, but I need to live for my own sake as well.


Then your partner should keep this in mind as you both navigate the beginnings of your relationship.

My Dominant refers to me as his property.  I don't have the right to say no.  I don't have a right to negotiate.  Etc, etc.  There are many facets of our relationship that are M/s-ish.  But it is a relationship very much focused on -us- as a couple.  Not on solely him or my service to him, but on what makes us both happy.  What I see in the majority of M/s relationship is a very heavy focus on the master.  That focus on the master fufills the slave.  But, like you, if the entirity of my focus was on him 24/7, I would be unfufilled.  It's just not how I am wired.

Anyway, my point...You can have the best of both worlds and you can call yourself whatever you want.  It's not that the terms submissive and slave are not useful, but maybe in this case, specifying what direction you want and where you see yourself going in the relationship would be far more helpful than trying to figure out which box looks the most like you.



flowspen -> RE: A slave identity? (12/31/2007 1:32:50 PM)

I have found that the type of Mistress i serve made the difference between if i was of a slaves mind or a subs mind.  There are very few that i have met that i would ever really consider being a slave to.  When i met Mistress i found that she was not only very Domineering over me, but she was also thoughtful of my well being.  That thoughtfullness built my trust with her and i am able to be a slave in service for her. 

Maybe since you have reservations about it, that more communication is needed or maybe something inside of you is telling you not to be a slave to him. 



meticulousgirl -> RE: A slave identity? (12/31/2007 2:19:11 PM)

i think your getting submissive and slave confused.  subs dont have to give over all rights even if they are 24/7.  You can still go to work, go shopping, do whatever you do in your normal life but you are living under the D's dynamic, there is a bit more fluctuation, and compromising there. 

i'm a slave, and i still have the luxury of doing many of the things that i did back when i was a sub and even prior to that.  The only thing i'm not aloud to do is date others, or go to lifestyle events.  It just depends on the dynamic the Dom in possibility prefers.

~meticulous~



laurell3 -> RE: A slave identity? (12/31/2007 2:23:06 PM)

Forget labels and advice focusing on them.  Communicate openly about what you want and find a dynamic that works for both of you.  Start out slow, don't commit to something until you know it is what you want with that person.



girlygurl -> RE: A slave identity? (12/31/2007 2:25:08 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetnurseBBW

I wouldn't get caught up in the labels. Be who you want to be and what works for you. Being in a TPE doesn't mean you have to be a slave. Being a slave is whatever works for those involved. Don't let others definitions confuse you. What works for one relationship doesn't for another. Every relationship is unique and individualized to fit those in it.


Very well stated sweetnurse!  [:D]



goodpet -> RE: A slave identity? (12/31/2007 2:35:13 PM)

Hi,
Here's my 20 cents worth (inflation you know)...
I am a service submissive who is in a Master/slave relationship, We are M/s 24/7 and live together. I have a permanent collar and contract.

When you are looking for a long term relationship, regardless of vanilla, D/s or M/s... you are seeking someone to live with who will balance and complement you and your goals..

Seek out the person who can share your dreams and hopes.. When you find the person who matches you, then the giving control over is easy.. It took me YEARS to find someone who i felt i could give that kind of control over.. 

Because i spend a lot of time with him, got to know him and talked talked and talked.. i felt he was what i was looking for and i know my dreams, hopes and focus will not be throw aside... it might be delayed or modified but they are valued by Him also.  We share many dreams together also.

So i guess what i am saying is that just because you are a slave does not mean you are not a partner or a person.. it depends on who you find and what you go looking for.  I looked for a Master and a partner in life..  but that takes time to find..

good luck


~ann



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: A slave identity? (12/31/2007 4:47:58 PM)

It might mean you are not fit to be A slave in THAT relationship- if your master wants you to change that perspective.

But that hardly means you aren't "a slave" (whatever you define that to be).

Most masters claim to at least prefer a slave who finds fulfillment in their identity as a slave, uniquely individual working in tandem with the master. 



LittleWench -> RE: A slave identity? (1/1/2008 7:47:52 AM)

Ask yourself why you want to be a slave.  Ask yourself how you see that as being different to a submissive?  How do you see your relationship will be different according to which "dog tag" you place on your collar?



Mercnbeth -> RE: A slave identity? (1/1/2008 8:10:34 AM)

what about starting out, say, 12/3 and working your way toward 24/7?
 
what is best for one individual, or relationship, is not necessarily the same "best" for another.
 
for example, it would not be best for this slave to be "me"-oriented in any way, to serve any other "Master" than Him or cultivate an individual identity outside of the identity of His slave or the ones He wants this slave to cultivate.  it is best for this slave to endeavor to lose any remaining sense of self, since becoming His slave.
 
however, this slave does not and would not assume that this is the best case scenario for all M/s 24/7 relationships or slaves.  it is just what is best for her---and it took a very long time walking her path to embrace that.
 
good luck!!![:)]



Maya2001 -> RE: A slave identity? (1/1/2008 12:10:20 PM)

What is really boils down to is finding a Master who is compatible with your  needs and you to his, they are not all cut from the same cloth, some expect their slave to devote all their attention into serving them and are into micro managing theiir slaves lives  others are more nuturing and want to help develop their slaves to be all they can be, and know they don't have to micro -manage that the slave will be able to read and know how to serve her masters needs without being dictated, she serves willing 



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