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BDSM Couples and Controversy - 12/31/2007 9:09:14 AM   
LdyWinter71


Posts: 15
Joined: 12/28/2007
Status: offline 		I am relatively new to the site, but my partner and I have been in the lifestyle for quite some time now and are now looking for additional plaything.  However I have discovered that even like-minded individuals are wary of our kind of arrangement.  It seems that adding another/others to an existing BDSM relationship is even more taxing than finding the initial relationship.
In our case, W/we are a male dominant couple, and the normal amount of intolerance and grief that goes with having a commonly misunderstood lifestyle (like BDSM), intensified by our choice at a polyamorous home.  It also seems to me that as soon as it is discovered that I am submissive to partner, it is assumed that I will tolerate competitiveness from other female subs/slaves.  He is the only one I am submissive to!
I was just wondering if there were other Male/Dom or Dom/me Couples out there (or any combination, really) who could share their insights on dealing with the 'double stigma', and/or seeking additions to thier respective situations and/or relationships.
By the by, I often have random tangents like this, so I suspect you all will be hearing from me regularly.

-Lady Winter
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: BDSM Couples and Controversy - 12/31/2007 9:30:05 AM   
batshalom


Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline 		You might want to try this on the poly board.

Your situation is not that unusual really, nor is the difficulty with finding a suitable third / fourth / etc. partner for your dynamic. I wish you luck. Be patient, be picky, don't settle, and communication between all parties is essential.

(in reply to LdyWinter71)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: BDSM Couples and Controversy - 12/31/2007 9:49:46 AM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		you seem surprised at your results but i am not.

in just your post alone, i can pick up that you are seeing a sister sub as competition. few women want to go in to a relationship and be second fiddle but even fewer want that and to be in an adversarial relationship with the primary.

you use the word play thing...very telling, even though i love being objectified, i would steer clear of your dynamic because yo seem to have very little empathy for the secondary.

you block out the word only he is "the only one you are submissive to"...well there is nothing wrong with that orrentaion, but in my experience it also shows that he is not creating a stable environment of clear dominance because problem comes up again and again and you feel like you need to defend yourself so vehemently.

the universal  "stigma" you refer to is more of a misunderstanding about why folks don't seem to want to blend with your union...i think what is happening is that folks are drawn to stability...and uncomfortable with instability....intuitively we can all sense instability, and unless we are unstable ourselves it is just not that attractive.



_____________________________


Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."




(in reply to batshalom)
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RE: BDSM Couples and Controversy - 12/31/2007 9:52:52 AM   
TallDarkAndWitty


Posts: 1893
Joined: 6/12/2004
From: Rochester, NY
Status: offline 		Hmmm...  I think submissives under the same Master will always compete...it is simple human nature.  Unless each one finds a particular niche, they will, as all humans do, compete over a finite resource: their Master's time and attention.

As was suggested, you might want to check out the Poly board, as they deal with these issues all the time.

Taggard


_____________________________

A most rewarding compliment is an insult from the ill-informed.


My slave: Kat (RainaVerene on the other side) and her website: RainaVerene.com

(in reply to LdyWinter71)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: BDSM Couples and Controversy - 12/31/2007 10:12:42 AM   
chellekitty


Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline 		submissives under the same Master do not "always compete"...i have found that the best multiple submissive situations happened when the submissives cooperated and did not feel that they had to compete for the Master's attention, if they do feel they have to compete for it, i believe it is because of insecurity (ie, jealousy and envy)...i have been the second or beta in a poly family multiple times, and i have never felt that i had to compete, because i knew my place, my role, when i would get time and attention...more often than not, it was the primary, first or alpha, who would be or become insecure, and then the Master did nothing about it, at which point i would bow out...i don't play games like that, one time it was another submissive to a Dom/Domme couple that were the primary couple...i still did not play games like that...anyway, my point....it may happen often, but it is not always the case....

chelle


_____________________________

One thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve. ~Albert Schweitzer

(in reply to TallDarkAndWitty)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: BDSM Couples and Controversy - 12/31/2007 10:25:38 AM   
TallDarkAndWitty


Posts: 1893
Joined: 6/12/2004
From: Rochester, NY
Status: offline 		 
quote:

ORIGINAL: chellekitty

submissives under the same Master do not "always compete"...



I imagine we are using the word "compete" to mean two different things.  You are using it to mean something negative, with connotations of backstabbing, insecurity, and jealousy.  I am using it to mean something neutral, with none of those negative connotations.

A Master has a limited amount of dominant energy to spend.  Unless he only acts dominant with both submissives, at all times, he must, at some point, spend his dominant energy on one submissive instead of the other.  The submissives compete for this time.  There may be rules and understandings that make this competition friendly, fun, healthy, and pre-determined, but the competition is still there.  Unless the Master divides his energies into niches, where one slave always provides a certain duty (say footworship) where the other slave always provides another (say hblowjobs)...at that point it is not the slaves who compete, but rather the competition is between the Master's interests (does he want a foot rub or a blowjob).

Humans compete...it is simply the way the world works.

Taggard

< Message edited by TallDarkAndWitty -- 12/31/2007 10:26:45 AM >

_____________________________

A most rewarding compliment is an insult from the ill-informed.


My slave: Kat (RainaVerene on the other side) and her website: RainaVerene.com

(in reply to chellekitty)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: BDSM Couples and Controversy - 12/31/2007 10:33:19 AM   
chellekitty


Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline 		i still disagree, however, i am of the school that slaves to not ask for the Master's attention, therefore there is no competetion...when i am in a relationship i am graced with my Master's Dominance...but to say that i competed for it would give me far more control than i would ever want...
perhaps that is where the difference in our statements lies...in that case, i would agree to disagree...

chelle


_____________________________

One thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve. ~Albert Schweitzer

(in reply to TallDarkAndWitty)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: BDSM Couples and Controversy - 12/31/2007 10:38:21 AM   
TallDarkAndWitty


Posts: 1893
Joined: 6/12/2004
From: Rochester, NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chellekitty
in that case, i would agree to disagree...


We all compete for everything.  You and I, right now, are competing to breath the earth's availble oxygen.  We compete to eat the available food, live in the available inhabitable places, etc.  When resources are finite, competition is inevitable, unless there is only one person who desires the resource.

Two slaves desire their Master's time...competition is inevitable.  Unless you are saying you do not desire his time, then I would ask why you are there in the first place.

Taggard


_____________________________

A most rewarding compliment is an insult from the ill-informed.


My slave: Kat (RainaVerene on the other side) and her website: RainaVerene.com

(in reply to chellekitty)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: BDSM Couples and Controversy - 12/31/2007 10:57:54 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		What I noticed especially in the Indiana community we used to be part of, was that people either really liked us or they hated us. That had to do with them, not with us in my opinion because we are as we are, we don't go around pretending or acting from one situation to another.

After trying to be objective I think that the hatred came from two causes.

The first was jealousy and it came from other "dominant" women. How dare I as a dominant woman take another submissive out of the pool. It was easier to find fault with me than to examine the reasons why they weren't finding partners or holding onto partners. Goodness knows I'm not the wealthiest, the prettiest, or the thinnest so it must be someone about my character and mind that holds on to various partners or got people's interest.

The second I believe is insecurity and it can rear up for anyone who is poly or doesn't follow the same path as the person attacking. I think that if one is confident and secure in one's choices, attacking others or feeling bad toward others is not only unnecessary but doesn't even enter your mind. It never enters my mind that I should compare myself to someone else or should negatively desire a person all ready in a committed relationship. Heck, my life is so complex that I don't even go out of my way to make comments or offer advice to someone who doesn't seek it out (though asking me can open those gates up wide so be careful what you ask for).

That deals with what you perceive as a group or community reaction -- it's really individuals of course. Potential partners is tricky. It can be difficult to add in new members and I personally think great caution should be exercised. Some folks are very good liars and selfish manipulators though I have noticed they also want to move quickly in with you or sign that ownership contract rather quickly.

We, too, give off signals we may be unaware of that trigger reactions from people. To a degree with have to hope others can see these and call our attention to them. But depending on the reason we behave or emote it may be easy or difficult to change.

The odds are it is very complex. My best advice as a person in a successful poly, kinky household is to made sure your core relationship stays your focus and remains healthy.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to LdyWinter71)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: BDSM Couples and Controversy - 12/31/2007 11:11:16 AM   
LadyLynx


Posts: 1098
Joined: 7/24/2007
Status: offline 		chelle, and Taggerd, I think both of you are right.  However I do have to say with the majority of people (in regards to poly D/s arrangements.) it is better that they try to avoid competition as much as possible. communication, communication,communication, oh, and did I say communication? lol.

_____________________________

Our community maybe openminded as a whole, but it is still made up of individuals who bring in their own opinions,baggage and agendas!

Known as SwitchWitch in my local community,and on IRC Bondage.

I also go by the nic SwitchWitch on MDS.

(in reply to thetammyjo)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: BDSM Couples and Controversy - 12/31/2007 12:07:18 PM   
chellekitty


Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TallDarkAndWitty
Two slaves desire their Master's time...competition is inevitable.  Unless you are saying you do not desire his time, then I would ask why you are there in the first place.


ok, let me try this again...yes, of course i desire his time...however, if i compete for his time, that would indicate that at some point i would win his time, that would mean that i would be in control of his time...this doesn't work for me...instead, i desire his time, and let him be in control of distributing his time...i have no control over it, therefore have no need to compete for it...if you want to call my existence and being pleasing a competition, feel free to, but i define a competition as a conscious effort to gain something so that someone else does not....

take care
chelle


_____________________________

One thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve. ~Albert Schweitzer

(in reply to TallDarkAndWitty)
Profile   Post #: 11
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