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RE: How do you deal with wannabe bottoms? - 1/2/2008 5:19:38 PM

b4blkm

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Please explain what bottoming is....i am new..and i want to make sure i do not do this...

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RE: How do you deal with wannabe bottoms? - 1/2/2008 9:25:22 PM

sunshinemiss

Posts: 17673
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quote:

ORIGINAL: EbonyPhoenix68

In my journey as a Dominant, I've had to cope with wannabe bottoms who want to have their own way, and in some cases, to the point where they come to me for counseling or advice on submission/slavehood. With this in mind, how do some of you cope with these players who don't know what they want or know what they want but gripe about what they can't have?

Isn't that part of the definition of a bottom? A bottom isn't a sub or a slave - a bottom is a person who is kind of kinky and wants to get things the way they want them. Not a thing wrong with being a bottom. They like a lil spanky spanky and a lil nipple torture - well have a good time darling! Doesn't seem to be your particular cup of tea. But lets not villainize them. They are just different from you, that's all.

You label yourself as a Dominant... I imagine the bottom coming to me for counseling and saying. What is up with these wannabe tops? They get all controlling and demanding... as if they are in charge! How should I cope with a Top Playah who thinks he can boss me around?

See how that works?

Kink is different for everybody. We just have to figure out whose puzzle piece matches with our own.

To answer your specific question, it's very easy...don't know what they want? - I encourage them to continue exploring - read, go to events, meet people, chat online. And then perhaps they will find that they are into YOUR particular brand of kind... but they will learn it in their own time. A simple, "good luck on your journey" is polite and pleasant and decent.

As for the ones who "gripe" about what they can't have? Well, we all get frustrated, don't we? Perhaps you might mention that you, also, have the same type of frustration. Perhaps have a friendly conversation with them. Coffee shops and pubs are wonderful places to do that ... You might learn that you are very similar.

Now, to all you "show them the door" people. Come on. Would you really? Maybe you'd chat and find a really nice friend who has a submissive or slave friend who is so SICK of Tops and is desperate for a Dom. tsk tsk.... Are you REALLY that rude? What happened to tolerance, hmmm?

peace

(edited because I realized I hadn't actually answered your questions)

< Message edited by sunshinemiss -- 1/2/2008 9:39:38 PM >

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RE: How do you deal with wannabe bottoms? - 1/2/2008 10:58:51 PM

darkpassenger434

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I have run into this same problem a few times. Although it is easy to throw the blame around and go with the wannabe label. (No really, its easy for me to do this, though I don't like it about myself.), I really think its just a compatibility thing.
-R

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RE: How do you deal with wannabe bottoms? - 1/3/2008 10:15:37 AM

masterlink65

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i think the reason they get called wannabe's is because alot of them say they are a sub, and they turn out to be nothing more than a bottom. nothing wrong with being a bottom. but it is annoying at best, when someone talks all this shit about how good they are at being a sub, and they come over and are nothing more than a bottom.

a little honesty can go along way, and the other will be exposed eventually. just like lying about your age in your profile. someone will catch it sooner or later.

most do not know the difference between the terms, and they use a term to make it sound good, or they just dont know better.

its the same sometimes with sub and slave. not all subs are cut out for slavery.

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RE: How do you deal with wannabe bottoms? - 1/3/2008 12:29:16 PM

LordVelvet

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masterlink,
Does it matter how they identify if all parties are having fun and being honest. Maybe they don't know they are a bottom, maybe they think they are a sub or a slave. There is a path we all take to get to where we want to go. If it works for them why does it matter to you? Just food for thought.
LordVelvet

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RE: How do you deal with wannabe bottoms? - 1/3/2008 12:39:56 PM

lusciouslips19

Posts: 9792
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressNoName

quote:

ORIGINAL: EbonyPhoenix68

In my journey as a Dominant, I've had to cope with wannabe bottoms who want to have their own way, and in some cases, to the point where they come to me for counseling or advice on submission/slavehood. With this in mind, how do some of you cope with these players who don't know what they want or know what they want but gripe about what they can't have?

Well, I don't think not being clear on what you want necessarily makes you a player. That's a bit of a stretch. Although, I have dealt with many subs who claim to want a LT D/s, even M/s situation when further questioning reveals that they really are seeking someone to Top them in bed. But even that, I don't see as being a player. I see that as either someone who does not clearly understand what I mean by long-term M/S or someone who really does not know himself very well...and on occasion I come across someone I just think is full of hot air.

As for how to deal with them, it depends on the individual. Some are truly sincere and searching. If they are respectful, and truly seeking guidance, I usually do whatever I can to guide them. If they are not sincere or otherwise rude, I usually cease all contact and block as necessary.

MNN

Well as a.....em, I think submissive...but not a slave...but maybe a bottom or a SAM. Its all so hard to figure out. Dominants normally think I am a better sub than I ever give myself credit for. One thing I am not is dishonest. In my profile, I say exactly what I am, and what I am not. I am a dichotmy and I am not a whithering submissive or doormat and dont seek to be a slave or be part of a stables or poly family.....

So why do I keep getting mail from Masters who want me to be part of thier poly households, or Masters who want to micromanage me, or Masters that want to do all kinds of things that are on my off limits list? Some dont even check to read the profile, I think. I have even had Male subs either trying to get me to Dominate or saying they would switch for me. So maybe you are looking at a pretty face and disregard all the things that make you not compatible. You wouldnt be the first person to do that and most definately wont be the last.

< Message edited by lusciouslips19 -- 1/3/2008 1:36:41 PM >

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RE: How do you deal with wannabe bottoms? - 1/3/2008 12:48:41 PM

KnOcala

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I agree with the general comments that you and your perspective sub are coming at it from different viewpoints that need to be clarified in the beginning to enusre that you both are getting what you expect out of the relationship.
If you will only accept a sub that has no limits or few limits and they are known to both parties, then you are correct in your frustration if things change half way through the game. If that happens, they are not right for you and send them on their way.
Both the dom and the sub have complete say in the relationship guidelines. They are submitting of their own free will. However they need to understand it is ultimately the dominate that controls the flow.

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RE: How do you deal with wannabe bottoms? - 1/3/2008 12:59:32 PM

lusciouslips19

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quote:

ORIGINAL: KnOcala

I agree with the general comments that you and your perspective sub are coming at it from different viewpoints that need to be clarified in the beginning to enusre that you both are getting what you expect out of the relationship.
If you will only accept a sub that has no limits or few limits and they are known to both parties, then you are correct in your frustration if things change half way through the game. If that happens, they are not right for you and send them on their way.
Both the dom and the sub have complete say in the relationship guidelines. They are submitting of their own free will. However they need to understand it is ultimately the dominate that controls the flow.

This is so true. All this should be determined ahead of time. The Dominant does control the flow but the guidelines should be set up ahead of time. if I was trying to bottom from the top, I would expect a Dom that would teach me otherwise. Or I may be doing it because he is not a confident enough Dom, and Master who is might be new and needs guideance. I personally would hate that adom that was so new he needed my assistance. But also, some Doms go superslow and perhaps the sub is wanting more full throttle? Could it be something you are doing to make them think you need assiatance? Some Dominants love some harmless teasing and even outright brats. If you are not the type to like this, you should know ahead of time your subs personality and guidelines before you step into a scene.

< Message edited by lusciouslips19 -- 1/3/2008 1:01:43 PM >

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RE: How do you deal with wannabe bottoms? - 1/3/2008 1:08:32 PM

Suleiman

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Invariably, I find that the persons using terms like wannabe or fake usually have more issues that the persons who are simply looking for something specific. The person looking for something specific that I can not provide, I will usually offer them advice on where to look or how to go about getting it. There's overf six billion people in the world, and S&M is just not that unusual a kink. SOMEone out there is perfect for you, no matter how picky you are. It just might take a while, is all.

Feh. Edited because my keyboard hates me.

< Message edited by Suleiman -- 1/3/2008 1:09:42 PM >

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RE: How do you deal with wannabe bottoms? - 1/3/2008 8:09:04 PM

ligar59

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Joined: 9/11/2005
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I believe you have 3 choices

1- Accept the situaation as it is and live with it
2- Figure out how to solve it to your satisfaction, then impliment said plan
3- Terminate the relationship and move on

Whinning about something solves nothing, Time to be a big boy or girl and do what is needed one way or the other

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RE: How do you deal with wannabe bottoms? - 1/3/2008 11:06:58 PM

jesiul

Posts: 111
Joined: 7/16/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: EbonyPhoenix68

In my journey as a Dominant, I've had to cope with wannabe bottoms who want to have their own way, and in some cases, to the point where they come to me for counseling or advice on submission/slavehood. With this in mind, how do some of you cope with these players who don't know what they want or know what they want but gripe about what they can't have?

Just a thought to the fact that Collarme, doesn’t even have a choice of Bottom/Top. Nor do they list anything that would identify someone as just a sadist or masochist. I have a female friend who for years listed herself as a submissive but now states that she is a masochist only.

It’s not the label you choose that makes you who you are, but who you are that eventually gives you a label. However; that label can often be inadequate.

~jesi~

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RE: How do you deal with wannabe bottoms? - 1/4/2008 1:14:31 AM

Leatherist

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I'm really not into the whole d/s role playing thing outside of the bedroom. Just seems ridiculous to me. Some people just do erotic play as a form of entertainment. If they don't get off on being controlled beyond that-they just don't match.

I usually drop the act at the bedroom door-so I'm a lousy match for a slave who wants more. And yet, this is not the end of the world for me. My advice for Doms? Don't get all bent out of shape about people who think submitting is ridiculous-and won't.

I doubt it will be the end of your world either.

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RE: How do you deal with wannabe bottoms? - 1/4/2008 9:57:44 AM

SirDominic

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quote:

With this in mind, how do some of you cope with these players who don't know what they want or know what they want but gripe about what they can't have?

Actually, I find this to be a rather large problem in the BDSM world - people not knowing what it is they really want. But then, the same is true of the vanilla world. It leads to a lot of poorly chosen relationships, hurt feelings, broken hearts.

I have dealt with a couple subs who had this issue. My choice to take them on was based on my belief that they may not know what they want, but they genuinely wanted to learn.

Someone who has no clue what they want, and are not willing to put the effort into finding out, those I show the door.

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RE: How do you deal with wannabe bottoms? - 1/4/2008 10:40:08 AM

AMaster

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First: novice does not mean wannabe! If someone needs information or guidance it is the responsibility of a real DOM to help them. That does not mean they become your sub. It only means you are helping them to know themselves and are equipped to find the right one for them.

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RE: How do you deal with wannabe bottoms? - 1/4/2008 10:42:44 AM

Leatherist

Posts: 5149
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quote:

ORIGINAL: AMaster

First: novice does not mean wannabe! If someone needs information or guidance it is the responsibility of a real DOM to help them. That does not mean they become your sub. It only means you are helping them to know themselves and are equipped to find the right one for them.

Yes,so it is usually selfish and unrealistic to expect someone new to become your sub. One is better off with someone who has explored and experienced enough to realize what they need.

Hopefully without having gathered too much negative baggage in getting there-or at least enough strength to have dealt with it..

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RE: How do you deal with wannabe bottoms? - 1/4/2008 7:11:51 PM

daddysliloneds

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hmmm, i'm not a player, yet i am a bottom for most, and submissive to a select few...

when i bottom to someone, you can damn well bet i'm in it for me, for the fun of it all, for a mutually satisfying experience; so yeah, i guess you could say i want to have it my way, and i'm okay with that, thus the use of the term ' bottom'.

when i'm submitting to someone, you can damn well bet i'm in it for the control aspect of it all, for the not always so mutually satisfying experiences; so yeah, i guess you could say, i'm not always getting it my way, thus the use of the term 'submissive'.

when i'm a bottom and/or a submissive, i don't always know what i want, and sometimes i know what i want and i complain when i can't have it; that's called being 'human'.

perhaps we just define our terminology differently because i don't see what the big deal is or how that makes me a wannabe anything.

quote:

ORIGINAL: EbonyPhoenix68

In my journey as a Dominant, I've had to cope with wannabe bottoms who want to have their own way, and in some cases, to the point where they come to me for counseling or advice on submission/slavehood. With this in mind, how do some of you cope with these players who don't know what they want or know what they want but gripe about what they can't have?

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RE: How do you deal with wannabe bottoms? - 1/5/2008 3:18:59 PM

came4U

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quote:

In my journey as a Dominant

so you are giving yourself allowance and admitting you are still 'learning', yet a submissive/bottom should be immediately enlightened to your needs and wants.

quote:

how do some of you cope with these players who don't know what they want or know what they want but gripe about what they can't have?

I just reply to the post, as I am doing now. gripe, gripe away.

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