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RE: How do I deal with this? - 1/3/2008 8:51:21 AM

IrishMist

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quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

quote:

it's really quite simple if you would get off your high horse and think about it for a second.

Disheartened makes it difficult to dismount!

LMFAO
I will agree with that LOL

Fuck...I spit coffee everywhere again

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RE: How do I deal with this? - 1/3/2008 8:55:45 AM

xxblushesxx

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It is a poly-friendly site only when all parties involved in the 'poly' are aware of it.

Otherwise it's not poly. It's cheating.

Oh, and serving two 'Masters' can be great fun btw... ; )

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RE: How do I deal with this? - 1/3/2008 9:04:22 AM

sweetNsmartBBW

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RoughFN...

Why disheartened? You came here seeking the advice of strangers- and You did not lay all the cards on the table. You were the One that solicited the answers that Your rec'd. That's the thing about asking people for their thoughts and insights- they often give them- and are not always what we want to hear. With Your original post being what it was, I don't think it was much of a jump for people to believe You were cheating- and while this may be a poly friendly site, if You read the boards often- You will find that infidelity is not well received by most here.

That said, with You and Your submissive both being in open relationships- and the problems that y'all are encountering being the normal life-stuff kind (that we all encounter from time to time)- I think that You got some good advice. Be there for her to help her get through whatever is going on in her life, and wait it out. Like Kaylied said, if you and she truly want to make this work- You ~will~ find a way to make it happen.

Best of luck to you both...

sNs

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RE: How do I deal with this? - 1/3/2008 9:20:22 AM

Leonardo

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RoughFN,

I simply asked some questions and made some comments regarding my perspective and my opinions based on empirical experiences. My questions and comments were not intended to place you on the defensive.

< Message edited by Leonardo -- 1/3/2008 9:21:14 AM >

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RE: How do I deal with this? - 1/3/2008 9:23:59 AM

Leonardo

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quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

Hmmm, first off....the answers offered to your...dilemma...were honest and straightforward in regards to the information that you gave us in your first post.

Second; this being a poly friendly forum has nothing to do with how we answered your questions. We answered your questions as specifically as we could with the information that you provided the first time around.

Third...I am sorry that you are both miserable...but hey; this IS REALITY...life happens...deal with it, accept it, and learn to compromise or GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP...

it's really quite simple if you would get off your high horse and think about it for a second.

DITTO (yes capped on purpose)

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RE: How do I deal with this? - 1/3/2008 9:29:20 AM

lauren0221

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quote:

The benefit of the doubt would've been nice. It's a rough situation and I'm trying my damnedest to get us through it in one piece, but all these snippy, baseless accusations are just unwarranted.

I'm just disheartened now.

You're in a relationship, that based on what you are saying, does not meet either party's needs. It used to be wonderful, but now it isn't.

What are we supposed to say? Suggest you get more in touch with your inner masochist?

And I'm with Katy here - we make time for what is important. Period.

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RE: How do I deal with this? - 1/3/2008 9:51:22 AM

Mercnbeth

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quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

It is a poly-friendly site only when all parties involved in the 'poly' are aware of it.

Oh, and serving two 'Masters' can be great fun btw... ; )

blushes,
beth also challenged me regarding that comment, specifically regarding many of the people we've met, and whose company we enjoy, who happen to be in Polly families, or are involved in some kind of multi person combination of Master, dominant, slave, submission, and switching.

My response was that in those cases the individuals involved are only serving one 'Master' - the relationship. In our little household, I wear the label 'Master' yet still consider myself a 'slave' to the relationship I serve.

You buying that?

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RE: How do I deal with this? - 1/3/2008 10:00:05 AM

xxblushesxx

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Makes sense to me.

In my case before I committed to just one, I had two WONDERFUL men and called them both Master. My Master was willing to wait until I was ready to begin our monogomous relationship. (I would say patiently, but...well...He waited, anyway! *lol*)

And btw, even though the op; asked if this was not a 'poly-friendly' site, I never saw where he said all parties were aware of the relationship. That's critical imnsho...

~Christina

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RE: How do I deal with this? - 1/3/2008 10:44:57 AM

MasterFireMaam

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My mother's advice: Ask yourself two questions. 1) Is being in the relationship healthy for you? 2) Would you miss her if she were gone? If the answer to either is no, you need ot consider getting out.

Comments of my own: Your needs aren't being met. No matter if you're the Dom or not, she's either been put or is allowed a degree of control over having those needs met. We make time for what's important. You can have her set a date...and see if she keeps it...and/or you can find someone else who meets your needs. This is why you do poly, after all.

Master Fire

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RE: How do I deal with this? - 1/3/2008 11:04:01 AM

RoughFN

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quote:

My mother's advice: Ask yourself two questions. 1) Is being in the relationship healthy for you? 2) Would you miss her if she were gone? If the answer to either is no, you need ot consider getting out.

Good advice - and the answers are "yes" and "yes". The only unhealthy thing is the frustration I'm currently going through, but I'll come back to that.

quote:

We make time for what's important.

True, and this works in the abstract...but the question is, what's the most important thing going on? I mean, I know that we'd all like to say that the master is always the utmost important thing in the slave's life, but that's not necessarily the case. What if you made plans with your sub and the day of the event, her mother died? Or what if you made plans with your sub and the day of the event, she got a flat tire? Or what if you made plans with your sub and the day of the event, she had to stay late at the office for an emergency meeting called by her boss?

No, none of those things have actually happened, and again, I'm not going to go into the various things that have been interrupting us, since they're truly not relevant to the situation. But suffice to say, they're legitimate excuses, 1 in 100 chance nonsense, and all stacked in a row that have made for a very difficult and unusual couple of months for her and a very frustrating time for me.

It truly would be simpler if she were just blowing me off or not properly making time. Then I could easily just yell and scream at her and punish her for misbehaving and exert the additional influence over her that I actually do have (no, really). Or scream at her and break things off, as the case may be. But as is, there's legitimate stuff going on to deal with that I'm trying to help her through. So sure, I'm frustrated and angry as all get out, but I can't focus it on her since she doesn't deserve my wrath. So I end up with a lot of undirected, unfocused anger and frustration which is a lot tougher to get rid of.

But you're absolutely right that my needs aren't being met. Still, the question is are they not being met now, or will they never be met? If it's just "now" (for some nebulous definitely of now), then that can be dealt with. Frustration and anger and sadness, but there's a light at the end of the tunnel. If it ever looked like they'd never be met, then that's a different matter and easier to deal with. This is just something to ride out.

And, unfortunately, I'm one of those masters that has to care about his slave and keep her best interests at heart. Part of my role is to keep her safe and take care of the things that she's not capable of doing on her own. It'd be so much simpler to just brush aside anything and everything she's going through for my wants, but that's just not healthy. I want to top her, not injure her. Inevitably, that ends up adding to my own frustrations right now but so be it. If the girl isn't capable at the moment, I don't think it's healthy to force her through it. First you get her capable again, then you go to town.

Heh, and the more mean spirited early posts actually helped a lot in that regard. Focusing my frustrations and rage on a bunch of unknown folks on the 'net was actually a fairly useful form of therapy. Let me burn off some of the pent up crap. So even the people who offered nothing useful ended up helping.

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RE: How do I deal with this? - 1/3/2008 11:07:09 AM

IrishMist

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Well, with this last post; all I can say is

what the fuck ever

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RE: How do I deal with this? - 1/3/2008 11:14:06 AM

KatyLied

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Is it so hard for you to admit that you aren't getting what you need from this relationship? Regardless of the reasons your time together isn't happening. Hey, guess what......it's not happening. Actions are speaking here. Can you listen?

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RE: How do I deal with this? - 1/3/2008 11:18:30 AM

batshalom

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quote:

ORIGINAL: RoughFN

Heh, and the more mean spirited early posts actually helped a lot in that regard. Focusing my frustrations and rage on a bunch of unknown folks on the 'net was actually a fairly useful form of therapy. Let me burn off some of the pent up crap. So even the people who offered nothing useful ended up helping.

Always glad to be of service. I love the smell of smoldering pent up crap. Reminds me of mama's cookin'.

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RE: How do I deal with this? - 1/3/2008 11:18:37 AM

Miladysilvermoon

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Hi Rough, boy, with all the flaming it often makes you wish you didn't post I bet ;)

I can't help but over-whelmingly believe one simple thing. If the girl wants to be with you, she would be there. There's NO good excuse or reason to miss so many dates. None. They aren't reasons at this point in the game. They are excuses.

I am poly as well, I am married and my slave is married. I know exactly how you feel. The realistic thing is this...Life Happens. Yes, a date here or there is cancelled. If it's often enough that you have found yourself asking the question 'when is enough, enough?' you already have your answer. You've posted here, and you've said how frustrated you are. If you've convinced yourself to continue this relationship, you need to examine why that is. It is better to deal with it, and say you are with someone rather than move on? Are you getting as much energy out of this relationship as you are putting into it?

Truthfully, this relationship isn't fair to either of you. I would honestly say either leave, or redefine it. Neither of you are finding fulfillment (although I suspect she is and this has become a game) wouldn't the healthy thing here be to leave so that you can BOTH find fulfillment?

One more question to ask yourself...If it is this frustrating in the first stages of a relationship..where it is supposed to be a honeymoon period, what will it be like in a year?

You sound like an intelligent man, who doesn't mind analyzing situations...don't persuade yourself into believing something is the truth when it is not. Or convince yourself it is anything but exactly what it seems.

Weigh the positive and negative of this relationship. Not all relationships end because there is some bitter or angry reason. Some just don't work out because of the situations surrounding them.

Your major red flag, besides the cancelled dates should be the 'rushed scenes'. Turn the question outward and step back. If I approached you with this problem what is your gut-reaction? Go with it. We tend to convince ourselves into things, even knowing it's not what we need. Not a good reason to stay.

Best of luck. I would post more but I don't have a fire-proof suit. Feel free to contact me via email if you like.

Sincerely
Silver

PS. A girl does not need a collar to accept your help and support. Sometimes a collar gives more imprisonment, than freedom. Be fair to you both.

< Message edited by Miladysilvermoon -- 1/3/2008 11:20:23 AM >

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RE: How do I deal with this? - 1/3/2008 11:20:38 AM

RedMagic1

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Jeez. Your *wants* are not being met, which you choose to glorify as needs. People take time out of their days to tell you honest advice, and you call them mean-spirited. You love your spouse, but carry around unresolved anger in her relationship for something that is not her fault. It is not unreasonable for posters to ask you to act your age.

When people play "what I really meant to say" tennis, it almost always demonstrates that the original analysis was right.

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RE: How do I deal with this? - 1/3/2008 1:34:42 PM

DesFIP

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We were ldr for two years. One winter we didn't get to see each other the entire time. Every time we planned a get together, it snowed. We tried to meet half way, figuring we could sneak in a meet with a much shorter drive, yup, snow again. By the time the snow melted my ums and I were sick, his business began heating up.

Not much I can tell you except to hang on. Phone and chat for commisseration and to stay in touch. I'd like to say things will get better from now on, but although the holidays are over, flu season is just heating up.

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RE: How do I deal with this? - 1/3/2008 5:54:51 PM

Evility

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quote:

ORIGINAL: RoughFN
More than anything else, I suppose I just needed to vent.

I was in a poly relationship for four years. My ex and I each had our secondary relationships. She's no longer in my life and my former secondary relationship has become my primary relationship but it's still poly in that she is married (they also have an open relationship). Add to the mix that she lives a few hours away - we see each other every other weekend on average. That will change eventually but for the forseeable future this is the situation.

With every variable and complication we add to our lives they become... more complicated. There are no answers - only patience. Mine is not a terribly grueling situation and I am actually quite happy at the moment. You need to find a way to manage the stresses that you are encountering due to your situation. While stress can sometimes be a motivator in this instance this type of stress is not productive. You are only making a bad situation worse.

You really also need to evaluate this relationship honestly and objectively. I'm not suggesting kicking anyone to the curb but be honest with yourself about how healthy this may or may not be to you in the long run. Anxiety attacks are not fun and you seem to have some of their requisite ingredients building up inside you.

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