RE: the power of attraction in BDSM courting

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RE: the power of attraction in BDSM courting - 1/3/2008 4:11:15 PM

sodsta

Posts: 246
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From: London, England
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This is a really interesting post. I was just reading the other thread a minute ago, actually, and some of the responses the OP was getting sort of irritated me a bit.

There was one person asking what the Domme was to get out of casual/fun play, and when the OP suggested "enjoyment" they were shouted down as being deluded. I assumed that's what casual/fun play was about? Two people playing together because they both want to, and because they enjoy it? If one person is having to give something in return for play (fixing the Top's fence/fitting their new sink/cleaning their house from top to bottom) then surely that defeats the purpose?

Uh... I keep forgetting when I write these replies whether I've said anything relevant to the original post, lol.

OH!! Yes... what you said about wormy type subs... I mean... I'm completely about letting people live their kink the way they want to, but I have found, from observing in clubs and at munches, that wormy type subs tend to go slightly more unnoticed than subs who have an air of confidence and charisma about them. So you're right there, I reckon. :)

< Message edited by sodsta -- 1/3/2008 4:16:44 PM >

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RE: the power of attraction in BDSM courting - 1/4/2008 2:54:27 PM

LadyHibiscus

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sodsta

There was one person asking what the Domme was to get out of casual/fun play, and when the OP suggested "enjoyment" they were shouted down as being deluded. I assumed that's what casual/fun play was about? Two people playing together because they both want to, and because they enjoy it? <snippage>

The thing is, many of these guys who want casual play---and I speak here from much experience---are not satisfactory playmates. They often have their own agendas, which they may or may not reveal. They do not "give" back to the top in terms of reaction, energy exchange, or even just plain fun. They do not appreciate the work the top is doing. They treat the top like a disposable commodity, and the top is supposed to feel that she got her part by "getting to play". Welllll..........it doesn't work like that. Female dominants are a hot commodity, and we have lots and lots of opportunities to play. We do not just swing floggers for the aerobic activity, OR for any presumed "sexual gratification" that the OP mentioned.

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RE: the power of attraction in BDSM courting - 1/4/2008 3:01:02 PM

AAkasha

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

quote:

ORIGINAL: sodsta

There was one person asking what the Domme was to get out of casual/fun play, and when the OP suggested "enjoyment" they were shouted down as being deluded. I assumed that's what casual/fun play was about? Two people playing together because they both want to, and because they enjoy it? <snippage>

The thing is, many of these guys who want casual play---and I speak here from much experience---are not satisfactory playmates. They often have their own agendas, which they may or may not reveal. They do not "give" back to the top in terms of reaction, energy exchange, or even just plain fun. They do not appreciate the work the top is doing. They treat the top like a disposable commodity, and the top is supposed to feel that she got her part by "getting to play". Welllll..........it doesn't work like that. Female dominants are a hot commodity, and we have lots and lots of opportunities to play. We do not just swing floggers for the aerobic activity, OR for any presumed "sexual gratification" that the OP mentioned.

I think that gets back to the main point. Just as if a vanilla guy wants casual, no strings sex, he must make himself desirable (or throw money around), a submissive who wants no-strings casual kink must make himself desirable. You are right, a lot of men who want casual kink are men that no woman would touch, or that have awful manners. But, if a fairly attractive and self confident vanilla guy wants to give BDSM a try, if he finds he's able to attract women in general, I don't think he will have trouble finding a femdom willing to experiment with him if he's interesting, dynamic, and works hard to make it fun for her.

I think dominant women are also more likely (than vanilla women) to look beyond the physical package if a man seems to have a certain something about him - some charm, wit, a sense of adventure, a great sense of humor, etc. But if he has none of that, plus no tact, plus no hygeine, plus is totally fixated in bdsm porn type scenarios, he's in bad shape.

That's why I think so many subs have a hard time if they shelter themselves and "wait" for Ms Femdom Right, instead, immersing themselves in bdsm porn and fantasy, not dating, not courting, not learning to flirt, not knowing how to work a room, not even making an effort to overcome shyness, etc. You end up with a guy who has not been on a date in 5 years, is terrified of women, can't get the courage to ask one out, and is just waiting for someone to come into his life and "kidnap him" and it's not going to happen. Less porn, more socializing - that's my opinion.

Akasha

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RE: the power of attraction in BDSM courting - 1/4/2008 3:07:04 PM

sodsta

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Well, no, obviously if one partner (the Domme in this case) isn't getting anything out of it, then it's not worth the effort on her part, and the bottom/sub shouldn't expect to get their way in spite of that. I agree with you there totally - but, as I suggested to the OP of that thread, if he made the effort to go out and meet people in the scene, get to know them and make friends, then there's every chance that he might meet someone who would be willing to play with him. Whether it works out or not is down to how well they mesh together during play - chemistry and all that - but it's a lot more realistic to go about it that way than to expect a play partner to just fall into your lap and fulfil your every desire.

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RE: the power of attraction in BDSM courting - 1/4/2008 3:39:32 PM

KindLadyGrey

Posts: 358
Joined: 11/6/2007
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Forgive me if I miss something, I only read the first page of replies.

One look at my profile will tell you how I feel about this particular line of bullshit!

Submission means nothing if there is not anything worth submitting. A worthless loser grovels at my feet? Well, he was there already anyway. A brilliant, charming, sucessful man grovels at my feet? That means something. That's submission. To say "I will take all that I am and give it to you." If you have nothing to give, what do you have to offer? A meat puppet?

There are plenty of charming, attractive, and intelligent submissive men out there. I think anyone who hangs out on these forums and sees politesub, aidan, darch, and the rest of the wonderful sub regulars who post here would figure that out. I hope no Lady is foolish enough to treat these wonderful boys like worthless worms. I'm sure they'd all tear her a new one in their own unique way ;)

I do feel sorry for some of the n00bs. I mean, even if you are an Alpha male in vanilla-land, Dommes can be scary! Especially in packs. Socially, in my experience, we ladies do like to hang with our own. (ClubFem, anyone?) It is a perfectly natural response to any kind of social anxiety to just shut up and listen. And it's probably not a bad tactic for a lifestyle n00b either. Eventually, when they have learned a little through observation, hopefully they'll loosen up and start participating in a healthy social dynamic.

It's the ones that don't get out to meet real people who are doomed. The internet is no place to throw yourself upon the mercy of others.

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