RE: Who Asked? (Full Version)

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batshalom -> RE: Who Asked? (1/4/2008 5:08:22 PM)

These replies open up all sorts of other mental meanderings. Like LA, I estimate that the majority of Doms initiate the additional partner but none of those Doms have answered here - the answers are mostly from subs who initiated; and those subs seem to be in the overall statiscal minority when it comes to initiating contact with an additional, so why the higher number of responses from this group? (Unanswerable, I know - just thinking out loud.) Gawd if only we were in the lab so I could gather empirical data on this.



sweetnurseBBW -> RE: Who Asked? (1/4/2008 6:08:50 PM)

I am bi and enjoy playing with women so we both look for potential play partners. We have also done the MMF, which he initiated with someone he had been friends with for a long time. I do threesomes because I enjoy them and so does Master. We just like to play with others on occasion.

I look for people and so does Master. I am allowed to initiate contact, no biggie. Just how we do it. If I see them first I initiate contact if he sees them first he does.



ownedgirlie -> RE: Who Asked? (1/4/2008 6:25:47 PM)

When I entered this relationship with my Master, I knew he would have other girls.  He was very open about that.  While I agreed to entering the relationship anyway, I was not as prepared for a threeway relationship as we both thought.  So he kept his other relationships separate from me.  I wouldn't have even considered asking him to stop pleasing himself on my account, and I appreciated his efforts to protect my feelings from his activities.

It was only in the last year that I have been included in some of his other activities, and so far when there have been "issues" with the poly arrangement, it has been the other girl feeling insecure on account of my presence.  This is unfortunate, and I do try to be accomodating, but we are all where we are, and everyone comes into their own in their own time.  I have learned a great deal from some of the slaves on this forum though, in how to welcome another and how to process my own feelings regarding another.  I remain grateful for all these women have taught me, particularly one with whom I used to correspond with regularly.

As for who does the seeking, mostly my Master does.  I can pretty much get along with anyone, and anyone worthy of my Master's attention is certainly worthy of mine.  On a couple of occasions, a friend has talked to my Master through me, but on both occasions it did not work out and the friendship was also lost as a result.  He is a pretty intense man.  You either love him or hate him. 

As a result, I think it's safer to keep friends as friends and hope that he finds someone to incorporate into our relationship. I also think it's important that he and she develop their bond first, before bringing me into it.  There are many reasons for this.  I think it is less stressful for both slaves if they are both secure with the Master first, and then come together to serve him with that being their focus.  Then we have a common goal and a common bond.  What I have found otherwise, is that she goes through the stresses of a new relationship with him and learning to serve him (which can be quite stressful), and I am drawn into it.  Any advice I give runs the risk of being skeptically received, and it's hard for me to hear someone else vent about his toughness.  So I much prefer that he does the looking, and develops something solid before I come into it. 



PsyVamp -> RE: Who Asked? (1/4/2008 6:36:28 PM)

wolf knew I was poly before he and I started our D/s.  he isn't entirely comfortable with it because of his own anxieties and I have not added a third because it is important to me that he feels solid with the way things are between the two of us. 
When he is no longer "threatened" by the thought of me with another person, then a third would be possible. 



lighthearted -> RE: Who Asked? (1/4/2008 6:45:28 PM)

both my previous and my present dom have expressed interest in threesomes, but I would have to say I'm just as interested as they are, if not more [:D], be it mff or mmf.  we don't really have an opportunity to get out there into local community as often as we would like, so we haven't have much luck finding an appropriate 3rd.  our goal presently is just casual sex, but we would both prefer it be an more of an organic occurence, which makes it a bit more difficult as well.

I suppose that when the time is right, it will happen.



Amaros -> RE: Who Asked? (1/4/2008 7:15:05 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: batshalom

These replies open up all sorts of other mental meanderings. Like LA, I estimate that the majority of Doms initiate the additional partner but none of those Doms have answered here - the answers are mostly from subs who initiated; and those subs seem to be in the overall statiscal minority when it comes to initiating contact with an additional, so why the higher number of responses from this group? (Unanswerable, I know - just thinking out loud.) Gawd if only we were in the lab so I could gather empirical data on this.
Well, one presumes the dom is going to be the one making descisions like this in a relationship - what does "initiating" here mean anyway?

i.e., if I were to ask my partner what she thinks about a threesome, is that initiating it?

My guess is that yeah, most of the time, the dom is going to ask the question first, but I've seen subs initiating threesomes right in their profile, so...

i.e., if it's a subs fetish, then yeah, I can see the sub initiating it, but there is also going to be a certain amount of reservation on the part of a less demanding submissive wishing to initiate, i.e., the implication that the dom is inadequate or giving the dom the notion that you're just a slut or something is always a possibility and might tend to keep subs from mentioning it - it all pretty much depends on the level of communication involved in the dyad, and communication is going to be important or there are all sorts of complications that might develop as a couple of posters have already described: jealousy, power plays, etc.



AquaticSub -> RE: Who Asked? (1/4/2008 8:24:06 PM)

~Fast Reply~

For us, it's really been a mix.

We aren't looking for a girl for him, though I've mentioned it to him as a possiblity. In some ways I think I'd enjoy him having another girl as long as we got along, but he has no interest in it. We are looking for a girl for me, something that will probably end up being less d/s and more of a *gasp* vanilla girlfriend with kink. That got started when I mentioned that I missed messing around with women and expressed that I would have liked to explore having relationships with women. His response was pretty much "So go for it".

Now, that said, if Valyraen ever changes his mind and we decide to look for a third to join us and serve him, I honestly can't imagine not looking too. I may be the owned party but it isn't just his relationship and I will have a great deal of say over who joins us. She will have to suit me as well as suiting him so it doesn't matter who comes across her first.



Noah -> RE: Who Asked? (1/4/2008 9:02:03 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: batshalom

These replies open up all sorts of other mental meanderings.

They've opened up some for me, too. Like:

quote:

 Like LA, I estimate that the majority of Doms initiate the additional partner

You estimate based on what?

quote:

 but none of those Doms have answered here - the answers are mostly from subs who initiated;


As someone else has pointed out you haven't indicated what constitutes initiating as you consider it. Having the idea?  Mentioning it first? Discussing it in the abstract? Discussing it as a potentially viable possibility? Checking off a preference in an online profile? Discussing it among friends? Advertising? Dating?

Can you help us out?

I have had partners arrive interested in "it." One was actually looking to be the third in a poly situation when I managed to single-handedly take her off that market. Now her interest would be in finding a submissive third to join us eventually.

quote:

 and those subs seem to be in the overall statiscal minority when it comes to initiating contact with an additional, so why the higher number of responses from this group?

My question is: why, in the face of this preponderance of replies from subs who initiated, do you cling so to your prejudice--or should we say emphatically held impression-- that in fact dominants usually initiate?

I don't know where LA got her data. I'd be interested to know if it has been collected scientifically. Where--besides the data here which you seem hell-bent on rationalizing away--and how did you collect your data, batshalom? Just curious.

I have no idea of the actual proportions. I'll admit the question doesn't have much appeal for me. Can you suggest why the question might be tugging at you?

quote:

 (Unanswerable, I know - just thinking out loud.) Gawd if only we were in the lab so I could gather empirical data on this.

Some kinds of empirical data are collected in a lab. Other kinds, including the kind you would need to settle this, do not come as a result of labratory experimentation but through studies examining actual populations outside the lab. I have a BS degree, as it happens. The way they explained these things to me, once you gather some data you aren't supposed to busy yourself primarily with trying to explain those data away--if what you want is deeper understanding rather than a license for your predispositions, I mean..

Just for fun, do a search on the other side, for submisives/slaves looking for couples and/or poly situations. I'm not suggesting that this would be scientifically conclusive of anything. Still, I know you're going to find a whole bunch. I don't know whether that would be enough to budge you from your conviction that it tends to be the Dominant's initiative.

Maybe you'll let us know.

Thanks for posting.



laforet -> RE: Who Asked? (1/4/2008 9:04:24 PM)

Just to add to your empirical data here (lol)...

My Dom tasked me with finding a third for us, so technically I suppose he initiated the idea. The actual "finding" has been left to me, since I really don't consider myself bi and he wants me to find someone I'm comfortable with, so I'v been the one to initiate contact. For the record, I've not had much luck in the search to date -- I've found one amazing new friend, a few dilettantes, and a couple of very, very strange people. He lets me peck away at it, but the task is always in the background.

laforet
(edited for spelling...)



batshalom -> RE: Who Asked? (1/5/2008 5:26:17 AM)

Sorry to twist your knickers so, Noah. It was merely one of those thoughst that flings its way to curiosity. I wasn't expressing my knowledge of such things, collected scientific data, or anything like that. Simply, having been around for awhile, I have not known many subs who initiated (mentioned, started looking, whatever - initiated in whatever manner you please, whatever you decide initiating is) contact with a third. I was looking for opinions and stories. Thank you for your contribution.



Driver1961 -> RE: Who Asked? (1/5/2008 7:22:17 AM)

He dips His lid:

I'm with Noah.  I like people to back 'self-supposed qualified' statistics with some foundation other than themselves but hey- it's the internet...  My poly was sub suggested, as I had doubts but through the pleasure and the traumas- it was all good learning.  My sub further suggested threesome/swinging type play- once again I had reservations and it turned to be good learning towards a deeper commitment for both of us.

I  am open to poly in the future (with my aforementioned learnings in mind) and am definately desirous (but not seeking) of swinging type play with a D/s dynamic in future.  I have my ex/precious to thank for allowing some Domly emotional maturity  to occur within my muddled little brain!

Probably the bottom line is that we all have fantasies which involve the inclusion of others and so I find it immaterial as to who actually initiates the 'action'- proviso- fantasies brought to fruition require level headedness to ensure positive outcomes.

Warm regards Driver. 



batshalom -> RE: Who Asked? (1/5/2008 7:27:49 AM)

It is immaterial to the functioning or dysfunction of any given dynamic; in that, you are correct, Driver. It is only material to sating my curiosity.



KnightofMists -> RE: Who Asked? (1/5/2008 9:35:09 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: batshalom

The "Threesomes" thread in "Ask A Submissive" got me to thinking ...

What is the ratio between Doms initiating looking for a third and subs initiating looking for a third? Is it a much higher percentage of Doms initiating threesomes / moresomes than subs?


don't know...don't care.

quote:


If you are a Dom who has looked / is looking / is considering looking / or actually has a third, have you found reluctance in your primarly partner, do you have conversations to assess her state of mind in the search, have you called off a search because your partner really wasn't down with the whole idea after all? Would you be pleasantly surprised if your sub independently approached you about adding a third?


My girl Alandra was the first one that brought the idea to our relationship of evolving into a Poly Dynamic over 20 years ago.  Before that... the idea of being poly was not anything that an unrealistic fantasy of a horny of guy.  It took alot of years for me to consider and change my mindsets that I was raised with.  But, more importantly, I had to decide if Poly was actually for me in the first place and exactly what it means to me. 

It all sounds so yummy to one's sexually desires to have another partner... but a relationship is alot more than just sex....  It has taken along road to get where we are right now.... I wish I could avoided some of the past pitfalls.... but I would gladly go through them again if it was the only way to get to where I am Now.... It is where I am now that I am very happy with.... There is an amazing amount of pleasure just to enjoy ordinary everyday stuff... What I am valuing more than anything is not the great play sessions or sex... it's the kiss in the morning.. the seating down for supper.... laying in bed with each person reading their book... it's the ordinary things...


It strikes me that I have rarely heard of a sub wishing to initiate the contact / search and I am very interested in hearing your story. Don't feel constrained by the questions - tell it the way you want to tell it.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Who Asked? (1/5/2008 9:47:59 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Noah
I don't know where LA got her data. I'd be interested to know if it has been collected scientifically. Where--besides the data here which you seem hell-bent on rationalizing away--and how did you collect your data, batshalom? Just curious.

Just about a decade of personal active experience in the non-leather scene and polyamorous modern US cultures.  All just personal experience and observation.



taintedgypsy -> RE: Who Asked? (1/5/2008 10:06:17 AM)

I have initiated almost all of my threeway relationships and they have all been Mff.

Basically I tend to look for a man as the primary focus of a relationship, yet I am attracted to a person for who they are and gender does not seem to matter. The perfect relationship for me is Mff …

I do tend to be the wonton one lol … “equal opportunity slut”

I am more in touch with who I am than I have ever been in my life and I would not enter a monogamous relationship again … I do not wish to deal with the whole jealousy thing either … secure means no one is going to “take” my place, but there is more than enough room for everyone to be comfortable, you just need to work together and communicate.

Would I initiate again … yes but all searching would need to be a joint endeavor, if you add the wrong ingredient at the wrong time then all turns to shit.

There is a world of difference between a casual third, a threesome one nighter, a pure sex additive and a third partner in a relationship.

I would also agree here with KnightofMists …
“There is an amazing amount of pleasure just to enjoy ordinary everyday stuff... What I am valuing more than anything is not the great play sessions or sex... it's the kiss in the morning... the seating down for supper.... laying in bed with each person reading their book... it's the ordinary things...”

Though I am not sexually involved with the vanilla couple I live with, it has reinforced some of the value I have for a poly relationship. There is a joy in sharing a house with a woman, talking about house hold things, sharing the household chores, a companionship unlike that you have with a man, and yet to still have that male input in the household as well makes a sweet balance in life. The dynamic of two women and a male head of the household is nice, comforting and for me ideal.

Yes I would initiate a poly arrangement if I ever commit to a relationship again … but hey maybe us gypsies are just not meant for this long term committed thing lol.

just my 2 cents worth



velvetears -> RE: Who Asked? (1/5/2008 10:42:45 AM)

My ex was poly and he told me from the very beginning that he would always include me and take my feelings into consideration when seeking out "an addition to our family" as he put it.  i was with him for 5 years and during the whole time he had 2 others i found out about, withouth him telling me.  When confronted, he sort of re wrote history (one of his habits) and said he never promised me i would be included and that he told me from the beginning he would have others.  i had a very close sub friend that i brought to the mix for casual play with him, sort of my way to say to him - i really am ok with this, and i was.  What i wasn't ok with was being left out of the picture and his changing the agreement we had from day one.   Needless to say as much as i tried to overlook it, it eroded the relationship and we ended.  He wanted poly and i was happy to do the search for us.  So as others have said depends on what you mean by initiating.  i did bring another to the table but turned out he had others under that table. 




batshalom -> RE: Who Asked? (1/5/2008 4:15:57 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

What I am valuing more than anything is not the great play sessions or sex... it's the kiss in the morning.. the seating down for supper.... laying in bed with each person reading their book... it's the ordinary things...


Indeed. And understood completely. ~smiling~

LA, yeah, that was where I was coming from too. This wasn't intended to be scientific, more like an observation from living around it.

Aqua & velvet, thank you for your stories as well. This is a very interesting thread to read and I appreciate everyone's time in contributing to it.



taintedgypsy -> RE: Who Asked? (1/5/2008 6:00:56 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: velvetears

My ex was poly ...  i did bring another to the table but turned out he had others under that table. 


Ouch ... my sympathies for that one.
I have this thing with honesty ... do not do anything that you are ashamed of, that requires deception, that you would have to lie about, if any of these are involved you just set your foot on the wrong path and it is time to stop dead in your tracks and do a regroup and rethink BEFORE you take the next step. Eveyone makes mistakes, stop take responsibility and try and fix it .... but to keep walking and compounding with lies and deceit is just digging the hole deeper.
If you want to play the game, than remain in play or settle with a player, don't hurt people by getting into a relationship you know you are not ready,or staying in one that you are not prepared to live up to your end of the bargain. There are lots of relationships where the Dom puts upfront that s/he will do as s/he pleases, with or without the sub/slaves knowledge/conscent and do the "my way or the highway" thing ... what ever works for the individuals is fine but deceit/cheating/lieing eventually ends up with someone hurt and has nothing to do with a poly family.
I also wonder how well it works when the sub/slave has no say in who the new member of the household is ... however I have heard of it working well where there is that belief and trust in the Dominants regard for the well being of his/her property. Acceptance rather than resentment rule...

A thought provoking thread ... I look forward to what else appears here.

my 2cents worth ... hmmm perhaps even a little itty bitty rant lol




MRandme -> RE: Who Asked? (1/5/2008 6:36:54 PM)

Perhaps it seems like the Doms do the majority of the 'initiating' since so many of the profiles begin "Sir/Master/my Dom have ordered me to begin looking for..." In some cases, it's one of the first tasks given! *shakes head*  You always get the feeling that the girl really doesn't want it and is only doing it because He ordered it.

In our case, my Master had stated up front in His profile (on another site, where we 'met') that He was interested in long-term polygamous relationships. This was not a drawback to me, as i am interested in exploring that area myself.  i knew from the beginning that He has another submissive who has a hard limit on that.  His relationship with her is completely separate from  the one He has with me.

i have no problem with adding another. i think it would be best if it were a triad, where there is a relationship between the other girl and i as well as between each of us and Him. Even if that relationship were not sexual, it would be necessary to avoid the jealousy trap.

As it is, neither of us really broached the subject and i suspect i am a bit more aggressive in the search than He is. We both are content to wait for the right person rather than trying to fit the wrong person into the dynamic.

g





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