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ElanSubdued -> Reply to Workingboi. (1/4/2008 1:41:29 PM)
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Workingboi,
I've paraphrased and broken up your questions for clarity.
1.) Is it heinous that a sub ask and/or speak out about being upset or hurt?
Context is everything. Likewise, it depends on what you mean by "upset or hurt". If your dominant instructed you to be quiet because you weren't listening and thus speaking out of turn, while you might feel upset, I see no problems here. It might take you a bit of self reflection to understand what happened and indeed you might not be comfortable during this period. On the other hand, if you're generally afraid of discussing things with your dominant, this, in my opinion, isn't a healthy relationship. Whether dominant or submissive, in healthy relationships partners are comfortable and able to go to each other for help and to discuss feelings of joy, concern, hurt, etc.
2.) When a sub is upset or hurt, should the sub fear reprisal if they speak to their dominant about the problem?
This one is easy: absolutely not. Fear of reprisal is likely to cause partial or complete communication break down. If you're not able to communicate openly with your partner, to me, this is the most basic indication that you're with the wrong partner or that the relationship is in serious need of overhaul.
3.) Is it disobedience to ask and/or communicate things to your dominant?
See my answer to question number 1. Generally, I'd say it isn't disobedient to communicate things to your partner, but if you've consented to a situation where a gag order is in place, then yes, it is disobedient to speak when you've been instructed to remain quiet. In circumstances where a gag order is in place, I always like to have a lifeline available. The lifeline might be a previously agreed upon safeword or non-verbal queue, or you simply saying (politely) "something is very wrong, may I please have permission to speak".
4.) If one continues to meet dommes who are selfish, cruel, and abusive, are you choosing partners poorly?
During my early forays as a submissive, unfortunately my experiences are similar to what you've described. In other words, I met dominant people (both men and women) who acted in unkind, abusive ways. As I gained more experience, I soon realized there are many people who identify as dominant, but that doesn't make them loving partners or effective leaders. Indeed, as sometimes happens with positions of authority, there are people who abuse and/or hide behind their position to avoid their own deficiencies. The biggest change (for me) in meeting compatible partners has been to place less emphasis on my partners as dominant women and more emphasis on who they are as people. It's easy to get caught up in the energy of exploring BDSM fantasies, but the reality is people are indeed people. If you don't like someone in a vanilla context, I can almost guarantee you won't like them any better in a BDSM context. Therefore, choose partners who you feel comfortable with and who make you feel good. Someone rude, lacking courtesy, unreliable, and who has poor communication skills doesn't tend to make a great relationship partner - regardless of whether they are dominant or not. Look for the basics first and dominance as the icing on top, not the other way around.
All of this said, I've met some amazing dominant women in my life, none of whom I would characterize as selfish, cruel, or abusive. Rather, they are quite the opposite actually. These women are kind, creative, intelligent, well-balanced people who have chosen to explore their dominant predilections, power, fantasies, and sexuality in a responsible, loving way. Some of the dommes I know are friends while others have been romantic partners who now remain as friends. All of these women are people I'm extremely lucky to have in my life.
Wickad and LadyHibiscus gave excellent perspective on meeting people over the Internet versus in real life. If you haven't already digested their posts, give these a read. By the way, welcome to the forums. :-)
Elan.
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