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what's up with that..? - 8/23/2005 5:08:05 PM

pinkvelvet

Posts: 16
Joined: 6/29/2005
Status: offline

Hello subs!

I'm still new here, but I have been fortunate enough to meet a special person through this website, and we've had a couple of dates.

Not having very much experience with the bdsm life as of yet, I'm hoping some of you can help me with a neutral 3rd-party opinion about "my" sub...
(you'll see why I'm using those quote marks! *haha!*)

Initially, for the first few days we talked online, he gave me lots of attention and communicated his desire to have me "be his world"...he sent Emails, IMed me at work, and called me on the phone. I asked him to address me in a certain way (not "Mistress" but something similar) and he did. He also asked my permission to masturbate and to ejaculate, and I was just starting to find my own.....way? flavor?...of dominance - something I have *never* explored so far.

After our first date, the sub seemed to drop off the face of the earth...no Emails, no IMs (and he ignored MY chat requests, which sucked!) and rare-to-no phone calls, either...until about a week ago when he called and wanted to see me again.
He told me originally that he wasn't as communicative because he was still absorbing the experience of having met me...that he felt 'overwhelmed' (which sounded good) and was still interested in me.
He also told me he'd "interviewed" with another Domme...from his description of the meeting and following events, it sounded like it didn't go so well.

I agreed to let him visit me again. He arrived at the appointed time, we hung out, played, and he stayed overnight and most of the next day too. I felt generally very comfortable with him and he seemed the same. He spoke in terms of wanting to see me on a regular basis.

I feel that this sub is genuinely attracted to me, individually, and I'm confident that he wants to continue seeing me (as he says he does).

The thing is:
Somewhere along the line, there has been a serious breakdown in the chain of command. Although he seems attracted to me and excited to be with me when we're together....still...I'm wondering what happened to his initial submissiveness with the subtleties of asking permission for things, seeing that my satisfaction is first priority, and those little bits of attention that make life worthwhile, like mail and messages.

During his visit, I had planned to ask him to do some simple (but pleasurable) tasks for me such as shaving, massages and painting my toenails...none of which happened!

Yes...I know I'm new at this, but....I wish I could know what is up with him!

My feeling is that the little games and rituals are not so important as the general feeling that he submits to ME, in whichever way he demonstrates that (or in whichever way I ask that he demonstrate it.). I'm concerned that even though he likes me, if I'm not dominating him the "right" way (or I'm missing some crucial element for him? I don't know) he will get his need for dominance met elsewhere, with someone more experienced.

All I know is: the little indicators of his submission have almost disappeared...even though our chemistry seems good in other ways. I'm just wondering if any of you subs can help me with a broader view of the situation....or if you've ever experienced anything like this?

Any thoughts?
Thanks a lot for any and all replies.

~velvet~

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RE: what's up with that..? - 8/23/2005 5:29:33 PM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
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It's a push-me-pull-you I REALLY want it but no WAY I can deal with but please force me typical sort of reaction.

The only real part of this that worries me is that you're not only worried that he will go with someone else, but worried it would be due to something you've done wrong.
You've got to find strength in yourself that simply being who you are, being consistent, and focusing on the larger picture and not the next orgasm down the line, that you will find the right fit.

You sound like you've got a good head on your shoulders and you shouldn't let games that subs play wrap you up into their power struggles.

(in reply to pinkvelvet)

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RE: what's up with that..? - 8/23/2005 6:28:11 PM

sanita

Posts: 338
Joined: 1/30/2005
Status: offline

boy meets Girl.

boy pursues Girl

Girl says "nahhhhh"

boy begs

Girl says "maybe."

boy begs harder.

Girl says "yes."

boy does backflips, then realises the chase is done.

boy hides long enough for Girl to notice, and start pursuing.

boy says "maybe."

seriously, You can take that scenario, switch genders and caps in any order, and it happens a lot.

this is not to say Your friend is insincere. he may just be puling at various strings to see how strong/flexible/stretchy/brittle the attachments are.

as the Dominant, it should be your choice as to whether or not a game like this is allowed. if You want the issues on the table, You should put them there. there would be nothing wrong with telling him You want those behaviors he exhibited before to continue. and if they don't, let him know what the consequences will be. if he does not want to go back to that with You, then he either wants the consequences, or is not interested in being tied down. (no pun intended).

i am not very Domme-y at all. i can get bossy, but that usually goes away when i get a certain eyebrow-arched look. i could be very wrong here, but from a sub's perspective, You should lay out the structure, and see if he is the one that will conform to it happily. You can always change and adapt. but that is where communication comes in. and the fact that You're human should not be seen as a fault.

"We're going to try this for a while. If you have any suggestions, I'll listen to them, but it'll be up to me as to whether or not we apply them. This way, I'll find out what I want, and enjoy the heck out of you. How does that sound?" may be a good way to start the conversation... maybe after figuring out if this is going to be a one-on-one, a one-of-many, or an occasional just-friends-but-play-friends thing.

good luck to you. and just remember to be safe.

edited because of @&!%! Typos.

< Message edited by sanita -- 8/23/2005 6:29:58 PM >

_____________________________

Sometimes, He calls me "subbie." Sometimes, i call me "subbie." And if someone wants to call me a BBW, its flattering. Just don't call me false.

"Please do not show me your ass and expect me to read your mind." -Opencollar

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RE: what's up with that..? - 8/23/2005 8:04:53 PM

ProtagonistLily

Posts: 1222
Joined: 12/27/2004
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You sound desperate and in need of some perspective.

Chain of command after 3 dates, most of which appear to be unsatisifying? Who cares if they are geniunely attracted to you and wants to continue seeing you? If what you have said is true, he seems to be in control here.

If that's what you want, great. If you indeed are looking to be the one in control, maybe you should step back, get some perspective and start again. He's clearly wagging the dog so to speak.

Lily

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"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"
~Dr. Seuss~

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RE: what's up with that..? - 8/24/2005 12:03:09 AM

mossy

Posts: 189
Joined: 2/21/2005
Status: offline

Perhaps female Dominants can help You more then subs at this point?
Emerald pretty much said it all, especially about consistency!
For Your first time out, if it is? To be with a rather controlling sub, may more then you can handle right now.

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~~inner peace & mental clarity~~

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RE: what's up with that..? - 8/24/2005 7:28:34 AM

plantlady64

Posts: 755
Joined: 5/19/2005
Status: offline

Hello There,
It sounds to me like he's testing your limits and trying to decide what level of complete submission you require to be happy. It's a lot of responsibility, but you are in control of his submission when you play with him. I find as a sub some Doms want strict ridged constant submissional traits and others want a vanilla out of the bedroom, some want to have the sub decide what activities will be in a scene, some want to leave the sub without any knowledge of what's going to transpire and lay the course themselves. I think you need to decide what feels natural and comfortable to you and your sub will follow your lead. As there are so many approaches to the protocol as there are people trying to follow it it's up to you to decide how controlling and firm you want to be. I find I try my very hardest to mirror the behavior of the Dom I'm with as to what my actions of submission will be. This is greatly different between Masters I play with.
I tell my Master to dream His dreams for us both as I walk on his path. Find your path and you'll be more content with a sub on yours.
Sincerely,
sub suzanne

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RE: what's up with that..? - 8/24/2005 9:13:02 AM

NakedOnMyChain

Posts: 2431
Joined: 11/29/2004
From: Indiana
Status: offline

In my opinion, I'd get rid of him fairly quickly. Of course, you two haven't known each other too terribly long, but if he rides off into oblivion at the first sign of another domme with interest in him it doesn't bode too well for your future together. Honestly, I'd look for someone else. I'm not saying someone should have to please you perfectly. Everyone is only human. But they shouldn't take you for granted until something better comes along. Once again, this is just my opinion...and I do tend to have these "perfect world" ideals. Good luck.

_____________________________

"Oh, it's torture, but I'm almost there."
~The Cure

"I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, do as I say, and I will be your slave."
~The Labyrinth

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RE: what's up with that..? - 8/24/2005 10:00:11 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

All I know is: the little indicators of his submission have almost disappeared...even though our chemistry seems good in other ways. I'm just wondering if any of you subs can help me with a broader view of the situation....or if you've ever experienced anything like this?

Any thoughts?
Thanks a lot for any and all replies.

~velvet~
You ran into a "sensationalist". Another term I like to use is "fore-ployer". The person only represented himself as a submissive to achieve some physical sensation. They will go through any kind of fore-play in order to ploy a desired result from the other party.

They come in both sexes. They are time wasters. Any search will result in meeting a load of them. Sometimes you get an indication from their profile. Very strict limits, very focused list of "not-intos"; are telling.

Appreciate that the perception of "submission" is to lay back and let the Top play with me. Sure the sub may have to do some "kinky" things but ultimately I get to spend the night and be physical with someone. Some people will play any role to "get laid".

The only ultimate way to avoid these frauds is to take time and make the physical aspect of the relationship come at the end of "discovery" period not at the beginning. Why don't you hear from him now? Why is he not as "submissive"? He achieved his goal. Did you?

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RE: what's up with that..? - 8/24/2005 10:43:16 AM

slavedesires

Posts: 669
Joined: 3/2/2004
Status: offline

quote:

You've got to find strength in yourself that simply being who you are,

this is not only true of the dom/me but also the male or fem sub/slave.

its a scarey thing to look into our own privateness and come up with who we are, who we project we are and the desires that go along with both.

i am NOT a switch, but in the search for Master and i, by His demands, i have given another a simple task.... nope, nadda, zero.....He tells me to walk away.
tis how He tested me....simple tasks if not obeyed for HIS pleasure will not bring forth larger tasks for HIS pleasure.

Only you can know and decide from what you know of yourself.

2 cents in big jar....clank
~~shy

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i speak only my personal opinion, sometimes O/ours.

"i am the keeper of fragile things and i have kept what is indisolvable."
....the greatest gift.....vulnerability

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RE: what's up with that..? - 8/24/2005 11:48:51 AM

pinkvelvet

Posts: 16
Joined: 6/29/2005
Status: offline

wow..!! Thank you *all* SO much.

I really appreciate everyone's thoughtful replies and you've helped me out so much with your ideas and viewpoints. Really...I'm touched that there is so much support here.

I suppose I'll see this guy one more time, and have a straightforward conversation about what's going on...determine if it's acceptable to me or if I see any potential...get his thoughts and views...and make a decision.

The hard part is that he seems to "be" one way when we are together but then when we are apart (we live an hour apart) he makes no effort to tend to our fledgling bond. *haha!*

But as some of you noted: we've only had 2 dates. I'll endeavor at this point to stay more neutral.

I'm definitely not only looking as far as the "next orgasm down the line" - *hahaha!* I am a firm believer in masturbation if ALL you want is an orgasm.

I want a relationship.
* : )

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RE: what's up with that..? - 8/24/2005 1:45:37 PM

lonewolf05

Posts: 830
Joined: 6/21/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: EmeraldSlave2

It's a push-me-pull-you I REALLY want it but no WAY I can deal with but please force me typical sort of reaction.

The only real part of this that worries me is that you're not only worried that he will go with someone else, but worried it would be due to something you've done wrong.
You've got to find strength in yourself that simply being who you are, being consistent, and focusing on the larger picture and not the next orgasm down the line, that you will find the right fit.

You sound like you've got a good head on your shoulders and you shouldn't let games that subs play wrap you up into their power struggles.

==========
what--- she ------said.......(ES2)

wolfie

_____________________________

"there is no gravity, life sucks!"

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Follow-up: what's up with that..? - 8/29/2005 11:41:02 AM

pinkvelvet

Posts: 16
Joined: 6/29/2005
Status: offline

Well I wanted to let everyone know that everything's worked out with this sub - I'm not seeing him anymore! *haha!*

In addition to the things I described before, I decided that I could not abide by some of his habits, and I'm not experienced anough to try to get him to change. I was uncomfortable knowing that he routinely masturbated with underage people online (16 is the youngest I know of, but he is 32), and when I suspected he had a dual identity and began asking questions, he quickly found a reason to pick a petty fight and "decided" it wasn't going to work out with us.

Well no shit, sherlock! **haha!!**

My only downfall is being so new, but I also feel that before long I will have a little bit of a higher level of self-assurance and confidence that will prevent this sort of mishap from occurring again in the future.

The one good thing that came out of my encounter with this person is that I discovered the goldmine of support and helpful words of advice from everyone who took the time to write to me here, so &THANKS!* again, subs.

I update my journal fairly frequently, so feel free to stop by and visit or drop me a note to say hello. I appreciate you all very much!

(in reply to lonewolf05)

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Post #: 12