Can vanilla work? (Full Version)

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Euryanx -> Can vanilla work? (8/23/2005 6:21:49 PM)

I'm sure some of the submissives here must have experience with vanilla partners. Can it work?

I ask because I was involved with a vanilla woman for a couple of years... but ultimately i didn't find it fulfilling. She ended up satisfied from our missionary position sex - but whenever i asked her to do anything "kinky" for me, she was horrified. I felt like i gave her a 1000 orgasms to the 1-2 she gave me (she would have made a great Domme). Finally i couldn't take it any more and left her for a Domme woman.

Sad to say, the relationship with the Domme woman didn't work because i was still in love with the vanilla woman. When i went off with the Domme woman the vanilla woman flipped out and ended our relationship. That was 10 months ago.

Now, this very same vanilla woman is back at my door, wanting to hop back in bed with me. She tells me she's never gotten me out of her heart (and I feel the same), and wants to get back together. I still love her, and although the affection and the intimacy are great - the sex is ho hum. Nor do I expect it to get any more exciting.

I'm torn... because I love this woman, but to be with her means a dull sex life. Anyone else ever run into a similar situation? If so, how did it work out? Are you still together?

Stef



KarbonCopy -> RE: Can vanilla work? (8/23/2005 6:32:18 PM)

I've never had a vanilla partner, cant help you there.

But if this what you really need, and your not going to get it.

I cant feel good about saying its a good idea.

sorry, you should really both be into the same things.



pet4mymaster -> RE: Can vanilla work? (8/23/2005 6:37:18 PM)

First of all...follow YOUR heart and don't let others decide it for you....someone elses experinces may not be the best way to judge what will happen with you
That said....i was in a similar unsatisfying vanilla relationshipfor(gasp)almost 8 years....he was a wonderful man and i did have very strong feelings for him...that i thought was love....so much so that i married him....however it was almost the same as with you....1000's for him..MAYBE 2-3 for me..he freaked out anytime i mentioned anything slightly BDSM related but was all for 3somes(fmf only though<sigh>)....i tried to convince him that our sex life just was not satisfyinig to me and if he could make just this one consession every now and then at least it would be better...needless to say...he said NO
So after 8 years...it is no over and he has been asking me to come back every since i left almost 6 months ago....but in these 6 months i have found a very happy relationship with a wonderful Dom(thankyou for excepting me Sir)and am both emotionally and sexually happy now....Do i think i could ever be happy in another vanilla relationship?.....NO,but that is just me and as i said before...you can't judge YOU by someone else.....if you both still TRULY LOVE each other and it is not just a physical attraction then it could very well work for you....but then again if this person is not going to do anything you enjoy sexually.....well then as we all know while sex is not the only part of a relationship...it can be a big part of it....if you are unhappy sexually you can become moody and then that causes other stress factors to form and all kinds of problems can stem from that....

SOOOOO.....while i just rambled on there for a good few minutes....what it all boils down too is you have to do what is going to make YOU happy at all times...both in and out of the bedroom and know that no matter what you see on here...it ultimatley boils down to you deciding "Will this person make me smile no matter what? Will they be there for me no matter what may come our way? and most importantly....Will this person accept me...BDSM and all?"

Kisses and Licks---Pet[:)]



Vancouver_cinful -> RE: Can vanilla work? (8/23/2005 6:41:38 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: KarbonCopy
I cant feel good about saying its a good idea.

sorry, you should really both be into the same things.


I have to agree...I've never been able to make it work with a vanilla partner...beyond friendship and fairly fun sex. Submission is how I express love, I've come to learn, and for me, I can't do that unless my partner gets as much joy out of being dominant as I do from submitting.

I've tried and it fails...everytime.

I really have come to believe that once you accept this part of yourself there is no going back.

Others mileage may vary...but my feeling is No, vanilla can never truly satisfy those of us who are wired this way.


{{{Hug}}}
Cin



feline -> RE: Can vanilla work? (8/23/2005 7:03:38 PM)

I would have to agree with the majority so far. I found myself restless, frustrated and resentful when I went back to a vanilla relationship. So speaking from experience, I wouldn't recommend it.



[image]local://upfiles/17000/99B60551A0C04D44ABCBA3B176C34DE1.gif[/image]



KarbonCopy -> RE: Can vanilla work? (8/23/2005 7:21:58 PM)

Yea, sure you feel for her, but you will always be missing that one important aspect of your life.

That is, if its that important.



EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: Can vanilla work? (8/23/2005 7:22:01 PM)

If the situation hasn't changed, if the reasons you ended things are still relevent, why would you try again? "For old times sake" is never good enough.

Personally I have learned that I can enjoy the intensity of a vanilla relationship with someone. However, it's not my primary relationship and I am poly.



caitlyn -> RE: Can vanilla work? (8/23/2005 7:37:40 PM)

Me giving relationship advice is almost laughable ... but one thing did pop into my head.

If she is back and never lost you in her heart, maybe she is more open minded to your needs now. I think I would talk to her and tell her what it is you want and need ... and if she freaks out, you might suggest that since she still cares for you and wants to be with you ... she shouldn't look on these things as strange things, because you are into them and you obviously arent strange ... or ... if you are, then she is into a strange person and maybe ought to just admit it and give it a try.

Again, that may be crummy advice, but its what came into my head.



LadyJulieAnn -> RE: Can vanilla work? (8/23/2005 7:40:34 PM)

If sex is the main thing by which you will judge the success of your relationship, then I think you have the answer to your own question within your post. If you are not going to get what you "need" in the relationship, why go back to that? Does your vanilla friend understand how important kinky sex is to you? If she does and still can't share that with you, then you are most likely better off with someone who can, even if it means being alone for awhile until you find that person.

Be well,
Julie



theonly1 -> RE: Can vanilla work? (8/23/2005 9:04:04 PM)

gee dont ask me!! I am committed to my marriage .. and hope that one day he will GET IT and DOM me again.

It has been told to me by many therapists that to end a life together simply cause there is no BDSM if not a good idea.

I DO wonder at times if that is right!

Lea



Euryanx -> RE: Can vanilla work? (8/23/2005 9:05:10 PM)

Sincere thanks to all those that responded.

I agree, she hasn't changed, nor will our sex life. The damnable thing is, you can throw all the logic in the world at me - but my heart still longs to be with her. I feel alive whenever we're together.

How important is sex? It's definitely in my top 10 list - but love and affection are even more important. I sublimated my desires before... and it worked for a while... I guess I'm just a 2-time loser, because I going to get back on the merry-go-round.

A related question...

How do you fall out of love with someone? How do you get your heart back?



KarbonCopy -> RE: Can vanilla work? (8/23/2005 9:08:34 PM)

Stab them in the eyeball with a chop stick into her brain lol.


But seriously, I know there is more to a relationship than just sex, but isnt this who you are? To deny this is to deny yourself.

Unless you're just one of those people that are only into kinky sex, and not living this lifestyle.



quietkitten -> RE: Can vanilla work? (8/24/2005 3:15:07 AM)

Steve
I am not sure you ever get your heart back entirely.
The question you need to ask yourself is, Can I live this way forever?

It may work for a while, but ultimately you are who you are. The things that are important to you are going to surface again.

Best wishes,
jenny



Eccentrick -> RE: Can vanilla work? (8/24/2005 4:12:27 AM)

I'm not sure how beneficial my perspective is going to be on this one, as I've never dated a chronically vanilla woman. Every lady I've been with for any appreciable amount of time has been at least willing to experiment, though admittedly none of them have ever been the same caliber as our lovely resident dommes, either.

However, I believe that whether or not vanilla can survive is a matter of your own wants and needs. I've never had all my needs or kinks satisfied in a relationship, but the relationships were strong and real regardless. If sex is your primary perception of submission and you feel a serious part of your psyche lacking when you're denied domination and assertion in the bedroom, then it probably won't work. If, however, you view the lifestyle differently, you can experience power exchange outside the bedroom by cooking, cleaning, volunteering massages, and the like, while realising that your sacrifice of the kinkier elements of your carnality is a sacrifice made to her for the sake of love and your adoration.

Of course, this is all common sense and I'm sure you've already taken all of this into consideration. Your profile does, after all, state that you prefer a vanilla lifestyle out of the bedroom, so maybe shouldering and innordinate share of the domestic responsibilities isn't for you. What it comes down to is your heart. Can you live without the kink in your life? Can you live without this woman in your life? You only have a problem if the answer to both questions is a resolute "no".



nenakajira -> RE: Can vanilla work? (8/24/2005 11:33:51 AM)

I can't say that sex is the most important thing in a relationship but sexually compatibility does come on the list. If you end up being unhappy with someone because of incompatibility issues it tends to bleed into other sections of your life with the person.
Being frustrated does tend to make for a difficult relationship. While I would never tell someone to leave someone that they love I will say that in your situation I would not go back to the vanilla person.
A relationship is about comprimise and making the other person happy. If she is unwilling to do so because of her own issues than chances are that compatibility in the long run will not happen. Perhaps if she was willing to let you seek a kinky relationship as well? But it does not sound like that will happen.
You can ignore and deny your drives.. but will it make *you* happy in the long run to do so?

-nena{R}
Raven's whore



NakedOnMyChain -> RE: Can vanilla work? (8/24/2005 11:48:45 AM)

My husband and I are living proof that it can work out. He was vanilla when we met. He was also an absolutely amazing person. I told him I'm into the lifestyle and he did what he could to satisfy. I got fortunate, though, and he ended up taking a genuine interest in it. A year later, we're happily married and very happily playing.
Consider sitting down with your vanilla mate outside of the bedroom and having a heart to heart about your preferences and how much the lifestyle means to you. If she's not willing to bend at all, and you're not willing to be patient you probably won't be able to work it out. Give a little, and let her know that she needs to give some, too.



BalletBob -> RE: Can vanilla work? (8/24/2005 6:33:39 PM)

Hi Euryanx. I agree with theonly1. My wife and I, have been married for 30 (OUCH) years, and she is 80% vanilla. As for SEX, WHAT'S THAT? We rarely have it, unless I start it, and it is never the Usual, since my wife had her hystorecomy, both mentally and physcally, but I don't care. I LOVE her and that is it....B&D or not. She does allow me to do and wear things (Not important in this post), and that is good enough for me. I don't mind the no sex or B&D, because we are in love. You have to do what you feel in your heart. If you really do love her, then go for it. Myabe you can always use someone else to dom you, like MADAM did with me, leaving your home life free of it......well except for that Toy and Clothing boxes under the bed, ....YUMMY.

Still in Bliss, BalletBob



OwnedByHim -> RE: Can vanilla work? (8/24/2005 9:54:11 PM)

We can love someone, but that does not mean that we can live with them or that we were meant to spend a lifetime with them. I think this is true regardless of whether they are vanilla or into the lifestyle. Love does not always make for happiness or fulfillment.

If you were to continue this relationship it seems to me that neither of you would be fulfilled. You are not going to give up what you need from the lifestyle, and she is not going to give up her need for a monogamous vanilla man. Is that really how you want to live? Is that how she wants to live? You may want to be together because of love, but neither of you can give the other what they need. In the long run, needs are greater than wants.

Good luck with your decision....................



littleone35 -> RE: Can vanilla work? (8/25/2005 6:05:40 AM)

i have been reading the post and i have to respond. I am married to a totally vanilla man. I have discussed BDSM with him and tried to get him interested. I did all i could but no interest on his part. I need this so i went out and found myself a Master (kate Master) who was fine with th fact that i was married and had no desire to get divorced. So i was happy Master was happy and hubby was happy (pof course he did not know about Master).

Believe it or not it made my marigage better because i was not trying to make him do things he did not want to. This may not wotk for everyone but it worked for me.

littleone



Evilsgirl -> RE: Can vanilla work? (8/25/2005 7:44:35 AM)



quote:

It has been told to me by many therapists that to end a life together simply cause there is no BDSM if not a good idea.


Hmm what comes to mind for me is....i asked my therapist the same question 2 years ago when i wasnt feeling fullfilled at home...as my husband couldnt give me the disapline i needed....and her response was No that is no reason to end a marraige. but in my case...she didnt understand the lifestyle..and it was a "sick perversion i needed to overcome....to carry on a meaningful unabusive relationship". Society misguidings and ignorances are wonderful for people educated to help us discover ourselves......LOL....Evilsgirl



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