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ElektraUkM -> RE: Honesty and Integrity (8/26/2005 3:52:25 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: TearCollector
When we demand absolute truth or consequences, have we not doomed ourselves to destruction of that relationship? After all, who is strong enough to accept the entire truth? I will testify in this post that I think that I am. But I also know that if I was, I would be the only one on earth that could. So reality is, Im fooling myself into believing I can take the whole truth. Most of us will feel the same way. We feel we can take it until we get it. Then our vision of reality and integrity is shattered.
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Someone may think that I condone lying and deceit. This would mean I have not been clear in my writing. What I am saying is that we are all guilty and when we find a lie or deceit in our relationship, it should be taken with a grain of salt. What I am saying is that lies and deciet exist at some level in all our relationships. Forgiveness can be the most powerfull tool in preserving your happiness. Evaluate the happiness you had before you found out. If you were happy before, don’t let that lie or deceit steal your happiness. Manage the situation to minimize the impact and protect what you had. It’s all mental. Happiness is what we all want. To all people, I hope you find happiness. If you already have it, don’t let it slip away over reacting on something that is human nature to begin with.
I have a great deal of sympathy with your post. Actually, I did get annoyed with my parents and other people when I was little, because I just knew they were lying to me ~ Moon made of Green Cheese..? Why don't you tell me the truth? I can't ever remember really believing in Father Christmas (Santa) as a real man, and I suppose that's why I still have the idea of FC as a 'concept' which still exists for me today. What a horribly serious childhood... hmm. But, that aside, onto the rest of your post.
I think you expressed your thoughts in a wonderfully vague way, so that I found myself agreeing: Yes, I don't need to know my partner's thoughts about those extra couple of inches on my waist, or how he fantasises about tying up my next door neighbour... Because it might mean he doesn't love or desire me as much as I hope he does... and then I thought ~ what?!! I hope that I'd always be confident enough in his love and respect for me, that something like that wouldn't bother me (well, beyond a little pang of jealousy or ten). It certainly wouldn't destroy anything, but actually lead to a deeper understanding of the man, and a greater maturity and self-belief for me.
But maybe thinking about things wasn't what you had in mind?
Maybe it was more playing online, or in real life, with somone else... Sharing intimacies with someone else, and excluding me. Now That's something I wouldn't want to happen to me at all. And contrary to what you might believe, I would want to know about it. Because to me, it would either signify that he had a need (for whatever reason) to exclude me deliberately, or it was something he was ashamed of, or thought that I couldn't deal with, or something along those lines. I don't want a relationship with somone where there's that level of mis-match between us. I would rather know, because I believe that it could be put right somehow.
I believe that if people talk to each other about those planned (and carried out...) infidelities, then things happen between those people... deeper love, understanding, acceptance, reassurance, maybe a little sacrifice. Maybe an ending to the relationship. But integrity, and reality. Something worth a lot more than living in a state of nervousness and guilt on the one hand, and so-called blissfull ignorance on the other. Those are two individuals, not a relationship (to my mind).
But that's me. I want an honest relationship. I know that other people feel differently, and I don't disagree with them or think that my expectations are somehow 'better' than theirs. It's part of my personality to want things in the open, even if they're things that hurt or are difficult, or take away the 'magic'.
Anyway, I really enjoyed reading your post. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, and welcome to the boards!
~ Elektra
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