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RE: help with untraining a new Dom? - 1/8/2008 9:07:55 AM

Stephann

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Hi chelle,

I think you're in for a rough ride here. What you've expressed is very similar to what many married women write about their husbands; he's dominant, I love him, we're happy with everything else, except....

It's that exception that gets them. You're dealing with compatibility here; are you sure you're not trying to kill a fly, and since you don't have a flyswatter, you try to make do with a hammer? You need to make sure that you feel he's compatible enough with you, to want the things you want.

You could try sending him a link to these forums; it's a place where he can ask his own questions, and read other people's thoughts. I know when I was explaining the lifestyle to gretchen, the chance to read threads here gave her a lot of insight into how other submissives and slaves felt. I don't think books will help him, but trying to relate what you enjoy with concepts he already understands might help. Think of dominant characters in other movies; Tombstone, or The Godfather comes to mind. As for S&M, that's really not something you can teach him on. All you can do is explain what you like, and why. Spend time talking about it, and maybe he'll come around. But as Master Fire points out; you can't change a thing, if he doesn't want to be changed.

Good luck,

Stephan

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RE: help with untraining a new Dom? - 1/8/2008 9:16:24 AM

Elorin

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quote:

ORIGINAL: chellekitty
...when i talk about the things i am doing in the lifestyle he says negative things, like many unfamiliar with the lifestyle do......

Like...submissives are weak, and someone who would give up that kind of control has no backbone?
Without knowing what the negatives are, I can't help.
But if he thinks submissives are weak, introduce him to some kinky people in a vanilla setting without letting roles be identified. Maybe have a strong submissive you know talk about troubles he/she has been through. Show those strengths...and then let him know "oh, yeah, she is such and so's submissive"...AFTER he's identified the person as strong or something he respects.

Just an example.

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RE: help with untraining a new Dom? - 1/8/2008 9:26:36 AM

chellekitty

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FR to all...

ok, please forgive me if i wasn't so clear on my OP last night, it was late and i was a bit frustrated...there are no compatability issues...the problem is not between us...the problem lies when i go to do stuff in the community...not wanting to drag him into something he's not prepared for, but at the same time, i am not going to lie to him, or put my life on hold...i am enrolled in a year long mentors program to learn topping techniques and i am going to a national leather event next month...and he thinks that they are wild sadistic orgies and i don't know what...and i've told him they are not and what goes on there...but there is all this stuff that goes on between playing...it's not just about kinky sex, and in all actuallity, he does it already, he just doesn't call it what "we" do...and yes, he is willing to learn about the lifestyle, that is not a problem...but where do i begin? and how do i deal with competing against ingrained incorrect societal/hollywood views?

is that any clearer?
chelle

edited to add: the negative things he says are along the lines of "that can't possibly be healthy" - usually refering to things i've mentioned regarding power exchange and the roles of this lifestyle, and it's all in my wording of explinations, which is why i am asking for help

< Message edited by chellekitty -- 1/8/2008 9:29:42 AM >

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RE: help with untraining a new Dom? - 1/8/2008 9:30:02 AM

MistressNoName

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chelle:

I think the suggestions to introduce him around the community are good ones. Ie - try to attend together group mtgs and talks which focus on the dynamics of D/s, not just skills training workshops or demos, (tho they can be fun, too). However, if you are trying to "train" him to become just the right kind of Dom for you, then I would re-think that, considering whether you truly want a Dom who takes the lead from you, or if you want to be with someone who find their own sense and style of domination from within themselves. In other words, regardless of what he reads, or who he learns from, he is unique and must find himself. And if ultimately he never embraces your POV of what a Dom should look like, doesn't necessarily make him any less dom, but may only indicate he is not the Dom for you.

Best in all of this,

MNN

Edited to add (since you were posting same time as I): Education, chelle. If he likes watching movies, here's one he probably missed - "BEYOND VANILLA." It's a lifestyle documentary which does a pretty good job of explaining safety and negotiation and the dynamics of D/s and follows several real life players. The other thing is deal with reality. Sometimes what we do IS about the wild sadistic orgy. That is the reality of some of the players in our community. And that's ok. The issue is why is that NOT ok to him? Because if he has some fantasy in his mind that he has to make his brand of kink somehow fill some notion of acceptability, then watch out. He's in for a major disappointment and he may not be ready to accept his inner kinkster. In that case, it's a matter of much time, along with education...and you have to decide whether you want to spend the time and energy on helping him make peace with himself.

< Message edited by MistressNoName -- 1/8/2008 9:41:46 AM >

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RE: help with untraining a new Dom? - 1/8/2008 9:51:20 AM

MasterFireMaam

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quote:

ORIGINAL: chellekitty
is that any clearer?
chelle

Take him with you when you go. If he won't go, then there IS a compatability problem.

Master Fire

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RE: help with untraining a new Dom? - 1/8/2008 9:53:49 AM

RCdc

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I agree with Master Fire. And I still stand by what I suggested regardless. Teach by example. If you are healthy and have good foundations, and you do all this and participate - how can he suggest it is otherwise if you are a good role model?

the.dark.

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RE: help with untraining a new Dom? - 1/8/2008 10:52:26 AM

Stephann

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From: Portland, OR
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

quote:

ORIGINAL: chellekitty
is that any clearer?
chelle

Take him with you when you go. If he won't go, then there IS a compatability problem.

Master Fire

Chelle,

Oh, ok. Then yes, I agree (again) with Master Fire; bring him along. If he won't go, then you're probably in for some trouble.

Stephan

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RE: help with untraining a new Dom? - 1/8/2008 12:08:39 PM

angelikaJ

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quote:

ORIGINAL: chellekitty

FR to all...

ok, please forgive me if i wasn't so clear on my OP last night, it was late and i was a bit frustrated...there are no compatability issues...the problem is not between us...the problem lies when i go to do stuff in the community...not wanting to drag him into something he's not prepared for, but at the same time, i am not going to lie to him, or put my life on hold...i am enrolled in a year long mentors program to learn topping techniques and i am going to a national leather event next month...and he thinks that they are wild sadistic orgies and i don't know what...and i've told him they are not and what goes on there...but there is all this stuff that goes on between playing...it's not just about kinky sex, and in all actuallity, he does it already, he just doesn't call it what "we" do...and yes, he is willing to learn about the lifestyle, that is not a problem...but where do i begin? and how do i deal with competing against ingrained incorrect societal/hollywood views?

is that any clearer?
chelle

edited to add: the negative things he says are along the lines of "that can't possibly be healthy" - usually refering to things i've mentioned regarding power exchange and the roles of this lifestyle, and it's all in my wording of explinations, which is why i am asking for help

but if his mind is closed to something that is important to you then it is a compatibility issue... IMHO...

I wish both of you well... I hope it works out.

If he doesn't understand though it may not be because you haven't explained it well enough...it may just be that he isn't able to understand that point of view.

jenn

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RE: help with untraining a new Dom? - 1/8/2008 1:31:02 PM

AquaticSub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: chellekitty

edited to add: the negative things he says are along the lines of "that can't possibly be healthy" - usually refering to things i've mentioned regarding power exchange and the roles of this lifestyle, and it's all in my wording of explinations, which is why i am asking for help

Maybe it's a cultural bias or maybe it's him saying this can't be healthy for him. Not every alpha male personality type actually wants a clearly defined power exchange. How many times have we looked at a vanilla couple and see that one person is clearly in charge of the relationship?

I agree with Master Fire - see if he will go. Valyraen had a *lot* of cultural bias against BDSM and the lifestyle but he was willing to go and was open to the idea that he could be wrong.

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RE: help with untraining a new Dom? - 1/8/2008 2:37:58 PM

Statepalace

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Is it the public aspect of these things that bothers him?

Neither my Dom nor I play publicly, although attending a kink event together would be something we would both enjoy. Just because you go doesn't mean that you have to get nekkid.

It's not just kink events, though, that would make me uncomfortable. Large public events where I don't know anyone make me queasy. I still go, I just go queasy. With you as a tour guide, though, that should help him feel more comfortable.

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RE: help with untraining a new Dom? - 1/8/2008 6:06:10 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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Ditto MFM- it's the only way for him to really GET IT, and plus, you get to not only get it with him, but be the one there to start it together.

If he can't go- then it's best to just end it now.

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