Dealing with others opinions/actions

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AtlantaMistress -> Dealing with others opinions/actions (1/8/2008 8:05:28 AM)
I am a pro Domme, but recently met a sub who I just clicked with - he is a single dad, and everything I do is so that I can be a single mom and support my kids.. I knew he couldn't afford to tribute me, but we had so much fun that I asked him to become my own personal sub. I had not been going out much into the local community, and I knew he did, and agreed to start taking me out. He has played with other Dommes in the community, but never been owned. I explained that if I was to make this kind of exception, all I really ask is that he do his best to please me, and no longer play with any other Dommes without my permission - so if someone asks him to play, he must defer to me. We have gone out several times, and it is quite funny the amount of interest we are getting - everyone he knows is so interested in exactly what the deal is. He does not yet have a collar, and we have talked about him getting one - for the symbol if nothing else to answer those questions, but in fact, it would be a play collar, simply because there is no commitment to a personal relationship right now beyond playing. One woman he had played with in the past has really been giving him a hard time about it - and proper protocol, etc...but this same woman actually came up to him while I had him on the St. Andrews cross - in sub space being whipped, and started TALKING TO HIM - obviously that is not following protocol. I was so angry - she was wanting to tell me what he likes - I responded "I know" and when he began to say something I pulled his hair and told him "NO TALKING" but I really felt the scene was almost ruined at that point. I did not confront her, simply because I am always a lady in public, and I would have totally lost my shit, so I needed to calm down. I intend to say something very calmly, yet biting, the next opportunity I have. That is more my style, someone doesn't know I have cut them to pieces till I walk away :) I have told him to go into his profile and write that he has made a commitment not to play with anyone else but me. Any other advice?? Thank you in advance for your time!

undergroundsea -> RE: Dealing with others opinions/actions (1/8/2008 9:34:53 AM)
It is unclear what her intent is: are her intentions driven by an agenda, or does she want to simply associate with you two and has taken a clumsy approach to it. If it is the latter case, I wonder if a gentle approach might achieve the purpose. If intentions are good, one simply needs to be told what they are doing wrong. If this conversation has not already occurred, it might be good to see if both of you are on the same page about relationship expectations and he understands how you feel. The message he is giving about boundaries through his profile he can also give in person if the occasion arises. For instance, if a prior acquaintance comes in at a time when you two are in your respective roles and wish to focus on just each other, he can also learn to politely convey the same. I hope that helps. Cheers, Sea

AtlantaMistress -> RE: Dealing with others opinions/actions (1/8/2008 9:58:56 AM)
Thank you Sea - and yes, the conversation between us happened at the very beginning - I am ALWAYS very clear upfront with what my intentions are - I don't play games, and although can be quite sadistic (muah ha ha - that's my evil laugh) I am not looking to ever hurt anyone emotionally. I know he and I are on the same page, and I honesty believe that the woman who spoke during our scene and has raised the most issues with him is insecure and jealous, and therefore trying to stir up trouble. In fact, the week prior - when I was trampling him at the club, she also was talking to someone else during the scene - making sure others knew that she had played with him in the past. Although quite a few other people literally crossed the room to tell me how much they enjoyed my scene (including other Dom/mes who do not tend to go out of their way to say something nice just to be nice) she was the only one to make a negative comment about the scene. To me that is insecurity and jealousy in someone that causes them to put down someone else, just to feel good about themselves, and I don't play that BS game. I am about positive, not negative, and simply blew of the first instance. Perhaps had I dealt with it then, I would have nipped it in the bud, and not been so perturbed therefore could have handled it without being so angry. I will not allow anyone to pull me in, lose my class, and get down to their level. As a control freak (LOL) I have the ultimate control over myself. To my knowledge, she never asked him to belong to her, and I doubt he would have agreed if she had. When I asked him, I told him to think it over, and we both laugh now at how quickly he said yes, not requiring additional time to consider it. He knows that I don't have any other subs that don't pay tribute, and like I said, we both clicked almost immediately. I very much enjoy his company, and for very valid, yet complicated reasons, I do not have a "boyfriend" and just am not ready to consider taking any relationship to that level right now. His personality is such that he never wants to hurt anyones feelings, and I know he is very uncomfortable with all the questions and how to answer them - although he has no problem explaining he is now mine, when people pry into the details of what we have and where it is going, I know he tends to get uneasy. he will totally defer to me and I absolutely believe he just wants to make me happy, but cannot do so at the expense of being curt and causing someone else emotional discomfort. If I told him to do so - he would, but I have no intention of putting him in that position. He has already agreed to change his profile, and we are considering him getting a collar to wear when we attend parties to answer some questions, but I doubt that will stop them all. I actually think it is quite funny that there is so much interest in what we are doing...the fact that there is just boosts my own opinion of myself [8D]

MistressNoName -> RE: Dealing with others opinions/actions (1/8/2008 10:26:02 AM)
You know, people can truly be quite peculiar. And I applaud your self- control in dealing with that person. Although, I am quite sure I would've told the person in no uncertain terms to back away and lower her voice and not to address the submissive. I also would've tried to catch the eye of the DM if anywhere around. I consider the incident like so many I've witnessed and heard of where people simply have no regard for other people's space or property or simply lack appropriate social skills. And no matter how much I realize we are all human, it still never ceases to amaze me the gall of some people. MNN

littlesarbonn -> RE: Dealing with others opinions/actions (1/8/2008 12:08:39 PM)
I know this sounds obvious, but this sounds very much like a situation where you need to sit down with him and decide what you mean to each other in the context of your relationship. I know that when I was first owned, and I was massively known in my local community, women would come up during public scenes and talk to me, but the mistress who owned me then was very forthright and in no uncertain terms made sure that any conversations that took place were between her and the other person, and I was forbidden to speak without her permission. If anyone tried to continue conversation with me, I was to inform them that I cannot speak without my mistress's permission. It was rough in the beginning, but it was viable because we actually had an ownership relationship at the time. I'm not sure how it would have worked with a "play" collar, although I don't really see why that would have made much of a difference either. What you have to watch out for is a submissive who likes the attention of others, even if he is committed to one person. I suffered from that in the beginning, because it was really cool to have lots of women who were interested in conversing with me. So it took time to realize (and a lot of positive and negative reinforcement) that I was hers and serving her, not the other way around. Even attention can be that important in such a context. I can't tell you how many times immediately after a situation she would sit me down and say "From this point on, you will...." In the long run, I learned, and I was very raw when I started out.

petpete -> RE: Dealing with others opinions/actions (1/8/2008 3:45:07 PM)
i will have to agree with what everyone has to say. Its sounds as though the rest of the community haven't been informed as yet that he has been taken (if thats what he wants). A collar or some symbolic ownership of commitment to You would be very much a sign to the people his acquainted with and have associated with him in the past. You have conducted in the most respectful and rightful manner from what You have written on Your post. Its up to the rest to do there own part and especially Your sub to let people know his commitment to You.

AtlantaMistress -> RE: Dealing with others opinions/actions (1/8/2008 4:36:33 PM)
thanks petpete - yes, we have spoken about and intend to get a collar, but then again - there are many "well meaning" people questioning him about the whole idea of the collar. As I said, he and I clicked right away and have no problem communicating. I have been very clear with him what I expect, and I am very liberal, with the exception that he plays with NO ONE but me - unless the other person asks me first, so if he is asked - he must defer to me. To me - a collar signifies a commitment between two people, but what that commitment means should be for us to decide - am I not right? These other women want to define what a collar should mean, and again, I think its funny that the one the most concerned with us following "proper protocol" is the one that obviously broke "proper protocol" both times we played in public when she was there. My basic attitude is %^*&$ everyone else, their labels, and opinions :) It is very freeing to live my life that way. I really am asking more for advice to give my sub since his personality is such that he doesn't ever want to hurt anyones feelings. I have asked him again if he is happy with our decision (since he did not hesitate when I made the offer) and - smart guy - he is [:D]

ocilla -> RE: Dealing with others opinions/actions (1/8/2008 4:38:26 PM)
Hmmmm....I have abit of inside info here. Hesitate to reply but perhaps I might be able to help a bit. The fella who you are wanting to limit his play to only you has been very active in the community for the last year and has been a casual playmate with quite a few dommes and is well liked. Until recently I for one had never seen you out at the munches and parties ( I had noted your prodomme profile previously though so recognised you the moment your boy introduced us). Anyhow, I bet folks are not quite sure of you and are taking cues from him instead. As you participate more in the community folks will start to adjust. Your boy is as I see it is, in his own way letting folks know that he is not going to play with any others to give yall time to explore - so be reassured. My understanding is that the woman who behaved inappropriately is a submissive who has some prior and, for her at that time, unfinished history with your boy. I believe that the femsub has grasped the situation now and has backed off. Be aware that your potential sub and the femsub belong to a "newbie" group together which is very comraderie oriented and so are both rather green and learning the ropes - it can be an emotionally confusing raw and tender time if you recall. And I do see some emotional grappling and self discovery going on there, as is to be expected...old vanilla patterns of thinking are easy to slip into when early in the journey. Lastly, your potential sub is indeed very sweet and is not the sort that will be able to say "no" or negotiate his needs very strongly - especially since he really likes you and wants to please you. So you may want to consider slowing down a bit and letting him catch up with you in terms of the commitment you are seeking.....Power exchange I suspect is rather new territory for him, but I could be wrong. You are very smart, beautiful and experienced be steady and patient is what I suggest :-) Good luck and I wish you both well! Ocilla

AtlantaMistress -> RE: Dealing with others opinions/actions (1/8/2008 5:15:34 PM)
Ocilla, Thank you SO much for your response - and inside information is certainly more than I expected, but seeing as you do know him and his personality, you understand why I am reaching out to find the best way to deal with this and ensure he is comfortable, I don't lose my temper and continue to carry myself with the manner I pride myself on. You are very right - he is VERY sweet, and does want to please me, and I consider his gift of submission extremely generous, and have tried very hard to be as upfront as possible and not take advantage of him in any way. I know he is lucky to have me [:)] but I too am lucky to have met him! I have been just starting to get out into the community, which was part of our deal really, and have thoroughly enjoyed the opportunity to meet such intelligent, articulate, open minded people sharing this common interest. We instantly clicked and have had no problem communicating, and we laugh a lot, but I had no idea how much fun I would have going out with him - not just in our scenes, but in meeting some great people that have already given me great ideas, I know I will learn from, and basically - cracked me up! The woman in question however is not a sub, but actually a Domme - so it is not the person you are thinking of. Her comments have been to assure others knew she had played with him in the past, and I believe may have wanted more from the relationship that he realized, although we have now discussed it in depth. I would not ever put her name out there as I just see that as extremely low class - and I do have every intention of speaking to her (calmly -now that I have gotten over being extremely pissed as I was the other night) and make sure I understand they have a friendship, and she can still play with him - as long as she respects me, asks, and NEVER interrupts a scene that I am involved in again [;)] Like I said, I may be sadistic...but I am not looking to hurt anyone emotionally...not someone who submits to me, or anyone else for that matter. I am very comfortable in my own skin, have found a place in my life that I have been searching for for years if not forever, and don't get caught up in drama and BS. I just want to be sensitive to his needs, and yet handle this in such a way that we can allow our relationship to grow and continue to push each others boundaries and limits without a need to put everyone else's feelings in front of our own. I appreciate and certainly will take your advice, although patience is not high on my list of virtues, I am very careful to constantly communicate with him, trying to assure him that I am not disappointed if when asking him a question, he will be always be honest. I know that trust and communication are crucial to ANY relationship - vanilla, D/s, friendship, romance, etc. Trust takes time, and believe me...I have learned from mistakes in my own past, and therefore have my own walls to come down as we move forward.

ocilla -> RE: Dealing with others opinions/actions (1/8/2008 5:26:57 PM)
smiles to you btw....the craig's list doormat auction bet that you won is hysterical! I meant to go read it but forgot but your boy told me it was brilliant. You are on track. Yeah I think it is just fine to remind the other domme to follow dungeon rules and respect other's scenes. Master Dave (the very compitent DM ) would have no problem doing that for you as well....he is retiring soon I understand - but really holds the place together and keeps order quite well. I look forward to seeing you and your boy around...sorry I missed seeing yall play on New Years I was a little distracted with someone else at the time blush

LadyHugs -> RE: Dealing with others opinions/actions (1/8/2008 9:47:57 PM)
Dear AtlantaMistress, Ladies and Gentlemen; In reading this thread up to Ms. Ocilla's 'inside' view of the matter, which I will put heavy weight upon as it is more than hearsay but 'in the community' and knows the participants in the matter. I have to agree with Ocilla's view, that this lad you're playing with is new to the scene and nobody can establish what kind of relationship you both have as there has been no 'announcement' and or visible sign that you both are an item. I also must proffer, that new folks may label themselves submissive and yet TOP (go Dominant) which would be more to me as a behavior of a SWITCH. If new--its the time of exploration. Your lad and the lass are yearlings and until their education and knowledge matches more seasoned veterans of the scene--patience is a virtue. There will always be individuals who will speak negative as there will always be people who speak positively, when it comes to another individual. As a "Pro-Dominant" you will be under closer scrutiny because they know you make money--profit off of BDSM, D/s and such. Novices/beginners who are lost lambs per se; can/will/may fall victim to those who may profit by the 'trolling' sort of Pro-Dominants that mingle among those which have 'ethics.' I cannot blame genuine concerns and or anxious for novices/virgins to the scene of Dominants who see a Pro-Dominant cutting a lad/lass off from friends and or connections. Isolation is an enemy of gaining support, knowledge and or education. Another thing which comes to my mind--this situation by your account is a 'play' relationship which has potential to be more. I would be concerned as a Dominant myself, not allowing the novice to play with other Dominants while budding in the scene. There is no collar on him and to me, that makes the lad a free agent. If I didn't know of your situation that is how I would see the lad. Nobody is a mind reader and expectations assumed, presumed and non-including; will foster misunderstandings by all involved. In considering if the position you took was that of concerned Dominants on the edge of 'enlightenment' of the situation between you and the lad; the goal--I hope, would be for all of the seasoned and ethical Dominants, regardless if Pro or not; keep the lad's welfare and growth to be positive, productive and unfettered by all. Please consider inviting other Dominants into a scene with the lad. Co-TOP with other Dominants. Even multi-submissive scenes are fun; perhaps tie the lass and lad together and do a scene with them both. Please remember, Pro-Dominants often have to fight a terrible reputation due to those who are in for more than just compensation but, pull down all Pro-Dominatrix in the scene. Perhaps this is an opportunity to give an opportunity to drop the shroud of what good Pro-Dominatrix with ethics and those who do Dominate others as a life's calling verses those who give all a bad reputation. Perhaps it is an opportunity to 'teach'/'share'/'educate.' Just some thoughts. Respectfully submitted for consideration, Lady Hugs

AtlantaMistress -> RE: Dealing with others opinions/actions (1/8/2008 10:12:27 PM)
Lady Hugs, Thank you for your wise words of wisdom. You are absolutely right in that just by being a "Pro Domme" I know I fight labels, and although I am not what I would consider typical, in any aspects - including how I determine who I will/won't see (see my profile) I realize that there are many that cannot get past the label and will see this as a great opportunity to 'teach'/'share' and 'educate'! I do think we will be getting him that collar, like I said, if nothing else as a symbol to everyone else that he has made a commitment (of which the details need only be discussed by he and I) and to make it easier for him to not be put in a bad position by another Domme who does not know he has made that commitment to me. I have no intention of cutting him off from friends, or even not allowing him to play with others (as long as proper respect is shown) and have actually already had the benefit of meeting some of these friends - who are intelligent, articulate, and funny, and for the one who has been an issue - I have easily met 10 who have been supportive and I hope to one day call friends of my own. As I said, I am very comfortable with who I am, and feel we have very open communication and trying to respect who he is, what he wants, and where we are going. I am all about positive energy, and I feel that our relationship will allow us BOTH to continue to learn and grow as he is open to trying new things - areas that are even new to me, where I may be reluctant to try when someone is paying tribute, giving me an opportunity to expand my own experiences as well. Thanks again[;)]

MistressOfGa -> RE: Dealing with others opinions/actions (1/8/2008 10:16:39 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AtlantaMistress Ocilla, Thank you SO much for your response - and inside information is certainly more than I expected, but seeing as you do know him and his personality, you understand why I am reaching out to find the best way to deal with this and ensure he is comfortable, I don't lose my temper and continue to carry myself with the manner I pride myself on. You are very right - he is VERY sweet, and does want to please me, and I consider his gift of submission extremely generous, and have tried very hard to be as upfront as possible and not take advantage of him in any way. I know he is lucky to have me [:)] but I too am lucky to have met him! I have been just starting to get out into the community, which was part of our deal really, and have thoroughly enjoyed the opportunity to meet such intelligent, articulate, open minded people sharing this common interest. We instantly clicked and have had no problem communicating, and we laugh a lot, but I had no idea how much fun I would have going out with him - not just in our scenes, but in meeting some great people that have already given me great ideas, I know I will learn from, and basically - cracked me up! The woman in question however is not a sub, but actually a Domme - so it is not the person you are thinking of. Her comments have been to assure others knew she had played with him in the past, and I believe may have wanted more from the relationship that he realized, although we have now discussed it in depth. I would not ever put her name out there as I just see that as extremely low class - and I do have every intention of speaking to her (calmly -now that I have gotten over being extremely pissed as I was the other night) and make sure I understand they have a friendship, and she can still play with him - as long as she respects me, asks, and NEVER interrupts a scene that I am involved in again [;)] Like I said, I may be sadistic...but I am not looking to hurt anyone emotionally...not someone who submits to me, or anyone else for that matter. I am very comfortable in my own skin, have found a place in my life that I have been searching for for years if not forever, and don't get caught up in drama and BS. I just want to be sensitive to his needs, and yet handle this in such a way that we can allow our relationship to grow and continue to push each others boundaries and limits without a need to put everyone else's feelings in front of our own. I appreciate and certainly will take your advice, although patience is not high on my list of virtues, I am very careful to constantly communicate with him, trying to assure him that I am not disappointed if when asking him a question, he will be always be honest. I know that trust and communication are crucial to ANY relationship - vanilla, D/s, friendship, romance, etc. Trust takes time, and believe me...I have learned from mistakes in my own past, and therefore have my own walls to come down as we move forward. I admire and respect you for the way you are dealing with this. You sound like you have your stuff together and I suspect that anyone who knows you is proud of you. Good luck with all. I don't have any advice to give to you. As I said, you are handling things just right. <Hugs>

MsCfromMelbourne -> RE: Dealing with others opinions/actions (1/9/2008 2:45:10 AM)
Hi I have a slightly different perspective I would not rush the collar just so others know to "keep their hands off" If your boy adores you and only wants to be with you, he doesn't need a collar to be loving, devoted and faithful. But if he is not sure he wants exclusivity with you (and you with him?), then collaring is premature. Don't let others push you into collaring anyone. Next they will be pushing you to get engaged and married[:D] Why not let your D/s relationship continue to flower at your pace, not theirs? As for the rudeness and disrespect, I say "kill 'em with kindness" Seriously. There will always be jealousy in your local scene. Women (and some men) will envy your looks, skill, profession, relationship, wardrobe - everything! Any Mistress can be a cranky, huffy btch in response, or she can be a gracious queen. Show them you are charming, likeable and obviously secure in your new relationship and your own skin (and if you're not - fake it 'til you make it!) You can never please all the people all the time, but it makes a difference to your scene standing in the long* run if most people can say "that AtlantaMistress is a really lovely person". So I suggest making a point of saying hello warmly to all your new sub's scene friends, including the jealous ex-es (and you do the talking for you as a D/s couple, not him). People will figure out he is with you and see that he is deliriously happy. By all means he should keep his friends, but they need to become friends of both of you as a D/s couple. You don't need to brand "TAKEN" on his forehead for the scene to figure out what is going on. You guys are dating and its really sweet. Good luck!!

AtlantaMistress -> RE: Dealing with others opinions/actions (1/9/2008 4:25:37 AM)
MsCfromMelborne, Thank you - some great advice - and I do love the kill 'em with kindness - which is why I held my tongue though smoke was surely coming out of my ears! A couple of things though - first - he and I continue to have the discussion, almost daily, about this is what we both want. The collar is more to make it easy on him, as a symbol of a commitment - I just don't feel the need to paper his back with a copy of some signed contract, which is what some people think is necessary (almost LOL). Second, we are not "dating" which is surely where some of the concern comes in. As I stated in an earlier reply post for very valid and complicated reasons I have decided not to have any "boyfriend" or man that competes for my time with my kids right now. In a few years, who knows, but I am very honest and upfront, and have no desire to mislead anyone, particularly someone like this. I just don't know - I can't think that way right now. I think some of the concern comes from this - added to the fact that I am a pro Domme, which in itself must make me a cold hearted, unethical, money grubbing bitch LOL[:'(] Regardless, I love your advice, and very much appreciate it!

Reigna -> RE: Dealing with others opinions/actions (1/9/2008 6:26:22 PM)
Craignslist doormat auction? Links, please! Or details, anyway. I'm not even close to Atlanta, so your secrets are safe with me. Er ... nevermind. Found it on the Atlanta cl site. Brilliant!

ocilla -> RE: Dealing with others opinions/actions (1/9/2008 8:13:56 PM)
here is the link...too funny and it worked! Women paying a domme to walk on a trample fetish sub....gotta love it http://atlanta.craigslist.org/search/bbb?query=doormat

MisPandora -> RE: Dealing with others opinions/actions (1/9/2008 11:19:19 PM)
She would have gotten my best backhand with something that smarts. "Oh, I'm terribly sorry.....I didn't expect someone other than my bottom to be in my scene!"

petpete -> RE: Dealing with others opinions/actions (1/10/2008 1:46:10 AM)
Dear AM. Don't ask for my humble interference here.. i think the respectful Ladies had more then good advice for You to listen and make judgments on...

LadyPact -> RE: Dealing with others opinions/actions (1/10/2008 3:08:09 AM)
I don't have any inside information, but if I'm gathering the background correctly, this happened at a club that I tend to frequent as well. (If you glance through My additional pictures on My profile, you'll see that several of them were taken there.) What I might suggest is that, for future times at this particular club, that you might want to consider using the cross that is in the main dungeon area, rather than the one in the whips room that is off to the right. It will put you more in view of the DM's and the staff there so that your scene might not be interrupted again. Dave is quite good about being on the floor, but the main area is definitely more visable. (On that, yes, Our beloved DM will be taking a 'break' for a bit.) I still wouldn't see anything wrong with discussing this faux paus with the other female the next time you happen to see her there. A little nudge of a reminder about the dungeon rules would probably be in order.

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