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the right move - 1/9/2008 2:47:53 PM

tinoketsheli

Posts: 50
Joined: 12/9/2007
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Ok, I just want some non vanilla advice on this
I was with my Dom off and on once for 9 months and absolutely fell head over heels in love with him and vice versa. I met him online from another website and he became my first Dom. He is a painter with a unstable low income who lives with his parents. I come from a south african family, and I only say that because my family is very spoiled and lives the high life so to say, and I live at college now. I stayed with him through thick and thin and tried my best to be supportive and ignore everyone else's negative opinions of us. Then especially in december he started showing too much aggression towards me, twisting my wrist once, pulling my hair a bit too hard over something silly often, and one day shouted at me in a parking lot for no reason. I broke up with him the next day. I am asking you all this - was I right?
He begged me for a second chance to prove to me that something like that would not happen again. I said no because my parents are moving away and I will have absolutely no one to support me if he ever did something like that again.
So again - did I make the right move? I left my first Dom, my only Dom, the man I fell in love with for the first time. Doesnt everyone deserve a second chance? Have you experienced something like this before? What did you do?

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RE: the right move - 1/9/2008 3:06:17 PM

kdsub

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Joined: 8/16/2007
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It sounds as though you want someone to tell you… yes…give him a second chance.

If there is one thing I have found to be true over and over again is people do not EVER change. If they act a certain way… and from your description it happened more than once… they will act that way again…and again…and again just a matter of time.

Your only decisions… are you willing to put up with and accept that type of behavior…if not… move on.

I hope you make the right decision… good luck.

Butch

(in reply to tinoketsheli)

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RE: the right move - 1/9/2008 3:07:32 PM

Maya2001

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Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
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Somebody who is abusive rarely changes if anything becomes worse especially if times becomes stressful, what they lack is self control and also need counselling with how to deal with anger in a healthier manner

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RE: the right move - 1/9/2008 3:15:07 PM

sexyred1

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Having been with someone for a long time with anger management issues and who became emotionally and physically abusive, I can tell you are probably right to walk away. Whenever someone says give them another chance, they can change with effort, but usually do not.

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RE: the right move - 1/9/2008 3:28:19 PM

Stephann

Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
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You can coat him with white paint, but that doesn't change the spots on the leopard.

Your first will always be special. But you're young, and meeting new people and enjoying them is also important; this isn't a period in your life when you need to be thinking about 'forever.' It sounds like the issues you'll be facing in a relationship with him will put your studies in jeopardy, and your education will be far more important in the long run than what you do or don't do with your ex.

Only you can decide how important he really is to you. If he's worth the risk to you, then you should go for it. But I would suggest that if keeping you happy had genuinely been important to him, he would have changed his behavior long before you felt you needed to leave him. Especially with such a relatively short relationship, I'd say you know better than anyone if he's likely to actually change. We're often comforted by the situation we know; but like my signature says (thanks to MasterFireMaam) "staying in hell because you know all the streets is no way to live." You live in a country that has a great deal of lifestyle events and opportunities. Take advantage of that fact, and have fun meeting interesting people both at your school and in your adopted city.

Take care,

Stephan

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"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

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RE: the right move - 1/9/2008 3:48:30 PM

MissMorrigan

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Joined: 1/15/2005
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What you are experiencing now is natural - guilt. From what you have said, it was an escalation of behaviour, which is typical, and if you step back and examine that you will see it as an escalation also, I'm sure. What do you think the next stage would have been had you remained? A twisted wrist often becomes a broken wrist. Broken bones take a few weeks to heal (if the person is fortunate), emotional scarring takes considerably longer and you are now thinking about the nice things of him, the ones that led you to formulate a relationship with him and remain with it for as long as you did. The "I'm sorries" and "It won't happen agains" are what's giving you the guilt. If it were a friend of yours that came to you only to tell you that her boyfriend had been abusive, starting with name calling, resorting to physical pushing, the odd slap here and there... What would you say to her if she says, "I ended it with him, but miss him and want him back, do you think I should?"

I started exploring bdsm at the age of sixteen. My then dominant partner (he was my first lover) was 27 years of age and also very abusive. He could be charming, he was certainly an intelligent and such a passionate man. I was sixteen and naive, it was my first relationship and I wanted so much to please that man. Within a year I thought every man gave their partner a backhand if she spoke without firstly asking permission, I endured the hair pulling, the black eyes, split lips and the hours of terror waiting for him to come home, and then walking on egg shells for fear of setting him off. Once a beating was over with he'd look after me, tell me how sorry he was that he 'HAD' to do it. I educated myself in my spare time, I read many psych. manuals and finally had the strength to pack my things and leave. He did make an attempt at stopping me and for the first time in our three year relationship I stood up to him. The result was pitiful, a cowardly man on his knees, crying and whimpering, begging me not to leave and saying he was nothing without me. He was right. I continued walking and never looked back.

I learned that respect starts with YOU. If we cannot respect ourselves, few others will and there will always be a bully to take advantage.

No one has laid a hand on me since and the first instance someone disrespects me, the door is kicked firmly behind them.

(in reply to tinoketsheli)

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RE: the right move - 1/9/2008 4:24:29 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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Joined: 10/25/2005
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Nine months is hardly through everything- but it's best to keep things as they are. If in a few months he shows some serious stability, then you can reconsider. But generally, why take the risk?

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RE: the right move - 1/9/2008 8:33:10 PM

tinoketsheli

Posts: 50
Joined: 12/9/2007
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thanks guys - you all gave me very good advice

kdsub - you hit the nail on the head - i definately wanted there to be an overwhelming response of 'take him back' kind of thing...

sexyred - your right... i know, half of me just wishes to believe him and give him that second chance - i know it is not worth the risk

stephann - right as well... I want to ask you - do you think that social class plays a part in if people are compatible or not??

MissMorrigan - guilt... I had not thought of that, i do believe you are right though - thank you for sharing your experience with me, i felt open and vulerable talking about this to the public so to say

LA - your right, nine months is not a long time especially considering some of the relationships people on the boards talk about. I guess I wanted that fantasy of your first Dom is your life Dom... and its my longest relationship to date.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

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RE: the right move - 1/9/2008 8:57:58 PM

Stephann

Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
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Hi sheli,

Actually, a good question. A few years ago, I had a slave who was from South Africa, who believed very much in social class. I met her in South America, which also has an atmosphere of social class distinctions, so she never had to change her views in that regard.

In the US, the Dollar is almighty. Old money, new money, easy money, blood money, drug money, it doesn't matter where it came from so long as you have it. In fact, you'll find most Americans reject the idea of social class on it's surface. This doesn't mean we don't have social classes, it just means that they are defined by different characteristics (athletic ability, fashion, personality, and, especially, money.)

I think that couples who come from different worlds struggle; not because they are different, but because it's difficult to see things from a different perspective. The struggles faced by a college student from a wealthy family across the ocean are going to be drastically different from the struggles faced by a starving artist from Chicago who lives with a lower-income family. Frankly, what did you have in common with your ex? Did you share interests in music? film? food? How long do you think you would have been happy paying for dates with him (knowing that if he had to pay for a date, you probably wouldn't enjoy where he took you.)

This isn't to say either of you are bad people. It has everything to do with feeling compatible with the person. It doesn't sound like you were comfortable in your relationship with him, and that the approval of your family and friends means a great deal. You'll be risking those things, if you are involved with a man whom they don't approve of. Some women in your shoes date 'below them' because it feels good to rebel. This doesn't mean they are, in fact, better than the man they date, only that they come from a world that looks down on 'normal' people. For my part, I know I certainly wouldn't wish to be involved with a woman who was anything less than extraordinary. It's all a question of what your standards are, and how important are they for you.

Stephan

_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to tinoketsheli)

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RE: the right move - 1/9/2008 9:12:06 PM

tinoketsheli

Posts: 50
Joined: 12/9/2007
Status: offline

Hey - I honestly believe that my parents have kind of instilled that social class south african thing in me, and I cant decide if its good or bad because the logic of it makes sense.
Your right though, I am not afraid to work for myself and work hard to get what I want. I think that is something that seperated us. I have huge goals - hell, I plan on having bdsm sex in the white house one day. He wasnt even an artist, i mean he was a house painter. You know - the blue collar work from day to day to see if he had enough money to pay the bills.
In retrospect I dont really know what we had in common. Our personalities got along wonderfully. Until this happened though, we didnt really listen to music, we did watch the same type of shows and we shared an interest in history though, his was much deeper than mine. I actually struggled to cope with it at times.
It was a weird relationship. And I definately go up and down on my feelings towards it, right now I am dissappointed with the way things turned out but I do believe it was for the best - for me at least.
Ok - so social class then does affect a relationship - i agree with that.
So do you think that bdsm caters more towards high or lower classes? I am not trying to be offensive at all to anyone - i am just wondering... Thanks!

quote:

ORIGINAL: Stephann

Hi sheli,

Actually, a good question. A few years ago, I had a slave who was from South Africa, who believed very much in social class. I met her in South America, which also has an atmosphere of social class distinctions, so she never had to change her views in that regard.

In the US, the Dollar is almighty. Old money, new money, easy money, blood money, drug money, it doesn't matter where it came from so long as you have it. In fact, you'll find most Americans reject the idea of social class on it's surface. This doesn't mean we don't have social classes, it just means that they are defined by different characteristics (athletic ability, fashion, personality, and, especially, money.)

I think that couples who come from different worlds struggle; not because they are different, but because it's difficult to see things from a different perspective. The struggles faced by a college student from a wealthy family across the ocean are going to be drastically different from the struggles faced by a starving artist from Chicago who lives with a lower-income family. Frankly, what did you have in common with your ex? Did you share interests in music? film? food? How long do you think you would have been happy paying for dates with him (knowing that if he had to pay for a date, you probably wouldn't enjoy where he took you.)

This isn't to say either of you are bad people. It has everything to do with feeling compatible with the person. It doesn't sound like you were comfortable in your relationship with him, and that the approval of your family and friends means a great deal. You'll be risking those things, if you are involved with a man whom they don't approve of. Some women in your shoes date 'below them' because it feels good to rebel. This doesn't mean they are, in fact, better than the man they date, only that they come from a world that looks down on 'normal' people. For my part, I know I certainly wouldn't wish to be involved with a woman who was anything less than extraordinary. It's all a question of what your standards are, and how important are they for you.

Stephan

(in reply to Stephann)

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RE: the right move - 1/9/2008 9:31:42 PM

Stephann

Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline

ORIGINAL: tinoketsheli

Hey - I honestly believe that my parents have kind of instilled that social class south african thing in me, and I cant decide if its good or bad because the logic of it makes sense.

.Hi Sheli,

I don't think it makes a whole lot of sense, myself. One could argue merits of social class, certainly, but ultimately all power derives from control. Too many dynasties and monarchies have ended in a bloody mess to pretend that class should be determined by the (often unusual) mating habits of the rich and famous.

Your right though, I am not afraid to work for myself and work hard to get what I want. I think that is something that seperated us. I have huge goals - hell, I plan on having bdsm sex in the white house one day. He wasnt even an artist, i mean he was a house painter. You know - the blue collar work from day to day to see if he had enough money to pay the bills.

I don't see anything wrong with being a painter (though I assumed artist, based on how you worded things.) But neither would I want a partner who's greatest goal was to pick up their paycheck at the end of the day/week. It doesn't mean such a person is 'not as good' as I am; only that their expectations are not compatible with my own.

In retrospect I dont really know what we had in common. Our personalities got along wonderfully. Until this happened though, we didnt really listen to music, we did watch the same type of shows and we shared an interest in history though, his was much deeper than mine. I actually struggled to cope with it at times.
It was a weird relationship. And I definately go up and down on my feelings towards it, right now I am dissappointed with the way things turned out but I do believe it was for the best - for me at least.

Relationships are always good if you grow and learn. We rarely (and in my opinion, shouldn't) marry and live with our first loves for the rest of our lives. Experience, makes us better partners.

Ok - so social class then does affect a relationship - i agree with that.
So do you think that bdsm caters more towards high or lower classes? I am not trying to be offensive at all to anyone - i am just wondering... Thanks!

This has been brought up in the past on the forums. Personally, I think it's not so much a question of class as it is education and intelligence. Those who are better educated and better skilled in their jobs earn more money, and have more free time available for such diversions are more likely to indulge in unusual activities. Dungeons aren't cheap, nor rope, nor restraints, nor cuffs, whips, crops, floggers, corsets.... the list goes on.

I have more thoughts on it; I'll add to this later.

Stephan

_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

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