Compatibility: Deal breakers (Full Version)

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BitaTruble -> Compatibility: Deal breakers (1/10/2008 5:20:00 PM)

*Inspired by doms/subs who would list political opposition as a deal breaker to an otherwise viable relationship.

I guess I've always thought of deal breakers as those issues in which 'agree to disagree' can't be implemented. Marriage, children, monogamy, ect.

I am gathering that the more ardent your passion for a given subject, the more unlikely you will be to 'agree to disagree' as a viable alternative and that there are some issues where even the thought of such is anthema.

I find this very curious.

If Himself was set upon having more children (thankfully, he's not) it's not a subject we could ever agree to disagree upon because I simply can't have more children. He either gives up the idea or he leaves to find someone who is compatible in that area. In other words, there is no option here, no compromise available.

If Himself is uber right, Xtian conservative and I'm a hard-core left wing nut we can choose to agree to disagree and still have a viable relationship as the relationship is more important to us than any singular bone of contention.

Are some subjects (politics/religion - would love to see others listed.. abortion perhaps?) just too polarized to get to a point where you can agree to disagree? Are these issues of compatibility 'deal breakers' because the subjects themselves are so volitile or is it the passion of the participants or some other reason? Is the passion which these subjects inspire proportional to the volitility of the subjects or is it the volitility of the subjects which inspire such passion?

If someone absolutely dispised Sci-fi and another treated it as their religion, would you deem it silly to break up over such an issue? Is it any different from breaking up over politics or religion? Just wondering.

Celeste


edited to add: My bad, I should have posted this in off-topic. It's relationship oriented, but not BDSM oriented. Sorry, Mods. Feel free to move it, no harm, no foul.



xxblushesxx -> RE: Compatibility: Deal breakers (1/10/2008 5:25:45 PM)

I think the things you listed can easily co-exist.
A difference there might just make life more interesting. (or frustrating)
And even the one you listed as not do-able could be, with adoption, or a surrogate mother.
Morality, and how you choose to live your life would be more of a deal breaker to me than political or religious views

~Christina



ownedgirlie -> RE: Compatibility: Deal breakers (1/10/2008 5:31:58 PM)

My deal breaker was that he had to be strong enough to have power over me.

Aside from that, I asked if he would allow me to take my own spiritual journey, or if he would be directing me in that area of my life.  It was important to him to know and monitor my spiritual views, but he had no desire to tell me what to believe in.

I guess if he was a serial killer or something like that, I would have had issue with it, too. :)



batshalom -> RE: Compatibility: Deal breakers (1/10/2008 5:35:35 PM)

The major things to me would be consistent lying, doing / ordering me to do ultimately detrimental things to myself or others, and animal cruelty. I'm cool with just about any religion although overly zealous religious practices of any sort would probably be my breaking point. However, if the religion made sense to me, I guess I could get behind it too.

I could NOT tolerate intentional or ignorant social impropriety or consistent gross behavior but that's an issue that would be noticed early on in the relationship and would be dealt with at that time.

Like Celeste, I am near the end of my child bearing years (not quite there yet) so that could potentially be an issue (not to mention that I don't particularly want more UM's but would still consider it if the Dom in question would be a good father).

I am nearly apolitical, and could pretty much compromise (or give in) on most any other subject i can think of (although my mental list may be incomplete).



AquaticSub -> RE: Compatibility: Deal breakers (1/10/2008 5:38:39 PM)

If he thinks homosexuality is a sin and all gays are going to hell, I won't agree to disagree on that. I want kids and I refuse children in a household where that would be taught. I also simply don't choose to have relationships with those people. I'm sure they are very nice otherwise but I can do better than to have a partner who thinks I'm going to hell.

If he is very strongly pro-life to the point picketing abortion clinics, I won't agree to disagree.

If he thinks my religion is beyond stupid and can't respect my faith, I won't agree to disagree.

If he thinks sleeping with more than five guys makes a girl a town bicycle I won't agree to disagree - I deserve better than a partner who would look at me that way.

I want someone who challenges me. But there are some issues where I am challenged enough outside of my relationship. I don't need them adding to it.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Compatibility: Deal breakers (1/10/2008 5:42:47 PM)

It's difficult to say where compatibility ends and deal breakers begin once you get past the obvious unchangeables- especially KNOWING that I can have more than I ever dreamed of now. 

I need them to be true to who they are, but that somehow also must include being with me and us enjoying our time together a heck of a lot.  Otherwise, I'd much prefer we go seek our bliss elsewhere.



christine1 -> RE: Compatibility: Deal breakers (1/10/2008 5:44:56 PM)

my biggest issue is that he must be single and want me only, that is to say that i'm not at all interested in poly...other than that i can deal with many things....i think it is silly to disregard a person becuase of the type of music they like or the types of movies they wish to see, etc...these things to me are minor compared to others, but this is just me....again i say, this is me and my thinking.   we all have our different preferences and i try to save my "issues"  for what i think are big deals.  



camille65 -> RE: Compatibility: Deal breakers (1/10/2008 5:46:36 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble <snipped for response

I am gathering that the more ardent your passion for a given subject, the more unlikely you will be to 'agree to disagree' as a viable alternative and that there are some issues where even the thought of such is anthema.
I am always open to discussion or learning something I wasn't aware of before but some people get so passionate over subject X that discussion is impossible. It becomes a battle of retaining my own view or just agreeing to keep the peace.
I find this very curious.

If Himself is uber right, Xtian conservative and I'm a hard-core left wing nut we can choose to agree to disagree and still have a viable relationship as the relationship is more important to us than any singular bone of contention.
I was in a marriage where he was republican and I am liberal something something lol. It ended up permeating everything, it went beyond the time of year for voting. We couldn't even discuss news stories because 'I was so soft on things that I don't make sense' and 'He is so rigid in his views why bother'.
Are some subjects (politics/religion - would love to see others listed.. abortion perhaps?) just too polarized to get to a point where you can agree to disagree? Are these issues of compatibility 'deal breakers' because the subjects themselves are so volitile or is it the passion of the participants or some other reason? Is the passion which these subjects inspire proportional to the volitility of the subjects or is it the volitility of the subjects which inspire such passion?
I really really didn't think they would be deal breakers, I thought it would be stuff we could either work through or around. That we could learn from each others divergent views and possibly come to different conclusions on things. But I learned that yes, some things for some people are so polarized that there is no such thing as a civil discussion if it involves an opposing or differing view.
If someone absolutely dispised Sci-fi and another treated it as their religion, would you deem it silly to break up over such an issue? Is it any different from breaking up over politics or religion? Just wondering.
For us it became all encompassing and yeah it did have a hand in breaking us up. In the end though that was a good thing. We are best friends who never ever ever discuss politics [:D]I've learned that there are people who just have zero interest in learning something new or trying on a different way of thinking. That is what I don't understand.
Celeste





agoodgirl4Daddy -> RE: Compatibility: Deal breakers (1/10/2008 5:52:31 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

If he thinks homosexuality is a sin and all gays are going to hell, I won't agree to disagree on that. I want kids and I refuse children in a household where that would be taught. I also simply don't choose to have relationships with those people. I'm sure they are very nice otherwise but I can do better than to have a partner who thinks I'm going to hell.

If he is very strongly pro-life to the point picketing abortion clinics, I won't agree to disagree.

If he thinks my religion is beyond stupid and can't respect my faith, I won't agree to disagree.

If he thinks sleeping with more than five guys makes a girl a town bicycle I won't agree to disagree - I deserve better than a partner who would look at me that way.

I want someone who challenges me. But there are some issues where I am challenged enough outside of my relationship. I don't need them adding to it.


i couldn't AGREE with you more, AquaticSub!

i believe that compatibility in terms of values and character are much more important than whether we both like to watch fencing tournaments or go horse back riding.   some things just are not worth the compromise. 

i would add ...  someone who is racist and believes that anyone other than someone of his or her ethnicity/race is somehow "less than."  Major dealbreaker there! 

Also, those who lack integrity, honor, trustworthiness, loyalty, and a sense of humour!  Dealbreakers!



AFlyInYourWeb -> RE: Compatibility: Deal breakers (1/10/2008 5:53:37 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble

I find this very curious.



I do, too.  I am vastly amused by it, actually.  I have run for election, and I sit on my party's local committee.  Very few people have as much time, money, sweat and sore feet invested in their party as I do.  However, I would never exclude anyone from consideration just because their political views differed from mine.  In fact, it can inspire stimulating intellectual discourse. 

I love a good debate, but I'm kinky that way.

Beyond any violation of the usual and customary Hard Limits [UMs, four-legged play partners, etcetera], I have very few "deal breakers".  Public play and exhibitionism is one example, for reasons I hope are obvious. I don't think I could survive long with a humorless woman, but I'd strive hard to find her sense of humor before I gave up on her.

I learned a long time ago that the most interesting partners are the ones who do NOT necessarily think like I do.



IrishMist -> RE: Compatibility: Deal breakers (1/10/2008 6:08:03 PM)

Differing Political, religious ideas and ideals are not deal breakers for me; I enjoy a good two sided debate. However, if he was to 'order' me to change my views to his in order to be in the relationship...I would have to tell him to take a flying leap and then help him with the first step [:D] 
I like people who are...inflexible in their own beliefs; but open minded enough to accept different beliefs in others.



SirJohnMandevill -> RE: Compatibility: Deal breakers (1/10/2008 6:21:07 PM)

The Gentleman from the Sovereign State of Maryland respectfully disagrees.

Yes, it's possible for your concern about the "good of the relationship" to overcome even serious differences of opinion...for awhile. Eventually, though, it's going to lead to arguments instead of healthy discussions. And eventually, the "deal" may indeed be broken because the two of you simply don't have enough in common any more.

You don't have to be compatible straight down all your kink and vanilla checklists, but if you have major differences of opinion up front, it's going to rear up and bite you in the ass. (Trsut me, I know this from sad experience.)

My .02 zlotys. Your milage may vary.

Les (Purveyor of Fine, Handcrafted Kink)



MadRabbit -> RE: Compatibility: Deal breakers (1/10/2008 6:21:57 PM)

I couldn't imagine having a deal breaker over political, religous or philosophical issues. Some of my good friends are people who's opinions and viewpoints would get them chased off a forum like this. Someone who constantly agreed with you would get boring after awhile. A constant flux of new ideas, particularly one's in opposition to your own, keep you thinking, even if you don't change your idea. At the same time, I am not a fanatic about any one of those issues and being a fanatic on any kind of issue is an automatic deal breaker.

Abortion, however, is one. If someone refuses to have an abortion on moral or religous grounds, then I am not interested. I am a long way away from being at a place in my life where I could give a child anything close to a decent life and future. Having children before I am ready is not an option I will even consider.



Gwynvyd -> RE: Compatibility: Deal breakers (1/10/2008 6:22:34 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

If he thinks homosexuality is a sin and all gays are going to hell, I won't agree to disagree on that. I want kids and I refuse children in a household where that would be taught. I also simply don't choose to have relationships with those people. I'm sure they are very nice otherwise but I can do better than to have a partner who thinks I'm going to hell.

If he is very strongly pro-life to the point picketing abortion clinics, I won't agree to disagree.

If he thinks my religion is beyond stupid and can't respect my faith, I won't agree to disagree.

If he thinks sleeping with more than five guys makes a girl a town bicycle I won't agree to disagree - I deserve better than a partner who would look at me that way.

I want someone who challenges me. But there are some issues where I am challenged enough outside of my relationship. I don't need them adding to it.


I am just gonna add a big ol ditto here on all these points.

I had a male sub once petition me.. we got along great for a couple of months.. then he put 2+2 together that my girl and I were in a lesbian relationship.. and started preaching to me that we were going to hell and we coulding possibly love each other as much as a man and woman could [sm=sodoff.gif] yeah so he went bye bye really fast.

Oh and for the love of God they need to be a non smoker, or quit.. quickly. Deathly alergic, and no heavy drinkers. We have an Um in the house and I so do not need that drama.

As a Domme I want someone who will make my life easier and happier.. not harder.

Also no bible thumping republicans. *shudders*

Gwyn 



juliaoceania -> RE: Compatibility: Deal breakers (1/10/2008 6:26:55 PM)

I have a fairly long list of deal breakers, and I am unapologetic for it. I have been on planet Earth for almost 40 years, and I have been single most of those years. I have found that my list of deal breakers has actually grown substantially as my experience with other people has grown substantially. I have tried to date conservatives for example, and found that they did not respect me nor my intellect, and I found them to be frustrating to me because they would not listen nor read anything I made reference to.

Much of my anthropology is political and it is my vocation. One will not meet many conservative anthropologists, and many of us are activists too. If someone failed to understand that about me, they wouldn't be able to dominate me anyways. Someone that would not make efforts to educate themselves about why I view the world the way that I do would be completely incompatible with me. It would be like a musician having something in common with someone that hated their music and all music. Or writer submitting to someone that hated reading and though books were stupid




ksub4u -> RE: Compatibility: Deal breakers (1/10/2008 6:27:38 PM)

quote:



If someone absolutely dispised Sci-fi and another treated it as their religion, would you deem it silly to break up over such an issue? Is it any different from breaking up over politics or religion? Just wondering.


I wouldn't deem it silly as long as I could respect what it was he was very interested in.  If he attended Star Trek conventions, spoke Klingon and considered a Captain Kirk jumpsuit suitable clothing... well, it would be a deal breaker.  lol  Otherwise, I think we could get along just fine.  The older I get the more accepting I am of other viewpoints and the more I can at least understand opposing viewpoints - not that I necessarily agree, but I can respect them.  When I was younger I might have thought being passionately opposite in politics or religion would make a relationship impossible.

Interesting question!



Tantriqu -> RE: Compatibility: Deal breakers (1/10/2008 6:32:22 PM)

My hard limits have been the same for a couple of decades:  hafta be single, straight, interesting, intelligent, funny, disease-free, no addicts, no conservatives, no smart-ass masochists. 
Tried dating cute-but-stupid once, never again.  It sucks your energy having to explain EVERYthing, and sometimes twice.



SageFemmexx -> RE: Compatibility: Deal breakers (1/10/2008 6:52:06 PM)

Ah, my deal breakers have been not supporting me in the pursuit of my higher education and not supporting my calling to midwife the poor and homeless in this part of the world.

My ex thought midwifery was a "business" and should be ran as a priviledge that was only available to women that could afford my fee. He never got that it was a calling from a higher power and a service of love to the women I deliver babies for.

When I was searching for my next husband, I ran across quite a few doms that liked to insinuate that anyone continuing to go to college instead of being at their beck and call 24/7 had something wrong with them. I decided a dom that lacked pride in their sub's drive to be educated was not worth my time and that was a deal breaker for me.

My new Gorean husband and I like to argue everything from politics to feminism. Guess what? We delight in agreeing to disagree. It doesn't matter who we vote for as long as we respect and love one another.

Blessings and Be well,



gypsygrl -> RE: Compatibility: Deal breakers (1/10/2008 6:53:51 PM)

In some ways I'm a very political person, but over the years, I've stopped politicizing my  personal life.  Its kind of an affect of the left to politicize everything and that's what I've gotten away from.  Plus, my politics have moved so far to the left in the direction of anarchism, that I'd be hard pressed to find an otherwise compatible person who shared my views.  I don't think I know another anarchist in real life.  So, for all practical purposes, I'm apolitical.  Really, the only time my politics comes up is when I'm teaching and want  to get students thinking outside the box.

Since my separation/divorce, I've dated guys alot more conservative than me.   It always made for interesting conversation.  I don't know my Master's politics.  Its not something we've ever discussed.  We're compatible in everyday sorts of ways and neither one of us are religious (I think strong religious committments would be a deal breaker but have never even come close enough to such an animal to really know).  We think very differently and that makes for a lot of challenges.  He has some hobbies I can't even pretend to be interested in (ps2 games) but I'm sure he's not all too eager to learn knitting.  Alot of times, we engage in something like "parallel play" where we each do our own thing together.  Those are really nice times.



lablancsecret -> RE: Compatibility: Deal breakers (1/10/2008 6:59:46 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SirJohnMandevill

The Gentleman from the Sovereign State of Maryland respectfully disagrees.

Yes, it's possible for your concern about the "good of the relationship" to overcome even serious differences of opinion...for awhile. Eventually, though, it's going to lead to arguments instead of healthy discussions. And eventually, the "deal" may indeed be broken because the two of you simply don't have enough in common any more.

You don't have to be compatible straight down all your kink and vanilla checklists, but if you have major differences of opinion up front, it's going to rear up and bite you in the ass. (Trsut me, I know this from sad experience.)

My .02 zlotys. Your milage may vary.

Les (Purveyor of Fine, Handcrafted Kink)


Thats wayyyy less than two cents... and they don't even use the zloty in Poland anymore. I think the use the euro.

Confused as all get out, but over analyzing the situation a tad bit,
-E



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