RE: Defensive about being Submisive

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RE: Defensive about being Submisive - 1/11/2008 4:31:30 PM

junecleaver

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In short, no. I've been taught my entire life that women should be submissive and pleasing. I think there are a lot of people who are defensive about their submission in the sense that if any dominant so much as looks at them like they should submit, they shoot poison darts out of their eyes and their heads start spinning around.

If I were a man, I would probably fight my submission a lot and have always thought of submissive males who are out about it as very brave. I enjoy my gender stereotypes and I love being a submissive girly girl. If my gender stereotype, the one I was raised to be since birth, said something like men=dominant, it would be very hard for me to leave that stereotype behind. Eventually though, I think you just have to face who you are and embrace that and realize that there's always room to grow.

I'm not sure which kind of defensive you're talking about though.

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RE: Defensive about being Submisive - 1/11/2008 6:30:02 PM

MiladyLily

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it is more common than not for sub males to be defensive about their inclinations. it is the fault of our society and its failure to accept all people with all their various differences. the social expectations of males create an internal conflict. it is a rare sub who is strong enough inside to resist the external pressure and simply be who they are meant to be.

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RE: Defensive about being Submisive - 1/12/2008 5:09:40 AM

sirguym

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I don't know whether it helps to say it, but as a Dominant with many submissive friends, male and female, I do truly respect those who have recognised the submissive side to their character, sorted out ways to express it and then either retained their independence, but found ways to 'scratch that itch' or chose to submit someone to whom they can surrender themselves.

In many ways I envy them. I have that trait in a minor key as a part of my character, so that route had some appeal, indeed I thought I was a submissive until my mid 20s and experience taught me that my primary orientation was otherwise. I tried it; but there was not enough there, whatever way I tried it, for me to look forward to going there again.

But seeing the joy that submissives get when it's good is heart-warming!

I get something of the same buzz as a Dominant, or as an event organiser where others share that joy. But I must confess sometimes I wish I could relax, let someone take me to where both of us want to go, without my having to carry all the responsibility, etc. that one must as a Dominant.

But that is not the way that I and most other men were brought up to be, so I understand the defensiveness that men particularly show.

The challenge for such a man is to come to terms with who and what you are, to accept it and find ways to express it; which can be done in many different ways, without surrendering to every bully who tries to lay 'Dominance' on you.

It is up to you to set the boundaries to the expression of your submission; 'to a particular person or persons'; 'only within a particular scene environment', 'only when I choose to wear short trousers', 'only when I cross-dress', 'only inside my own home'. I have seen all those formulas work for the people concerned - many others are possible.

Only when you are ease with yourself can you relax the defensive shield, so try to find your way to make peace with all aspects of yourself. Then it is no longer needed.

< Message edited by sirguym -- 1/12/2008 5:13:22 AM >

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RE: Defensive about being Submisive - 1/12/2008 7:32:28 PM

pixelslave

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quote:

ORIGINAL: wervenom
SayaNereida: Defensive was the best word I could think of at the time to describe what I meant. As to whom, mostly myself as in I am Defending myself against submission, but in turn that leads to me being defensive against others in regards to it. As I posted earlier:

The journey of a male submissive is not always an easy one to follow. Denying it is even harder as you are deying a part of yourself that isn't going to go away.

Now that you're aware of it's existence, and seem to firmly believe that it's a part of you, I suggest you spend time contemplating what it is for you what it means to you. Once you've done that and are sure that it's truly within you, then it's time to embrace it with all that you have. As much as anything, in order to be at peace with yourself, you need to learn to love yourself for being the submissive male that you know exists at the core of your being.

Once you do that, the shame you may feel when around others who would reject you and instill the need to defend yourself for who and what you are, will simply disappear with time as you build your self-esteem and become increasingly proud of the submissive male that is within you.

Above all, remember it's a process that takes time, along with the courage to be who and what you know you are.(warm smile)

Enjoy the journey...

- pixel

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RE: Defensive about being Submisive - 1/13/2008 5:55:27 AM

amaris

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

Not in particular no.
I defend the right for anyone to be what they want and practise what they want, but that doesn't mean moreso for submission.
So no.

the.dark.

Highly off topic, but I just wanted to say, I'm loving that new pic of you and your Master, I thought your previous one was pretty damn good too.

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RE: Defensive about being Submisive - 1/13/2008 6:07:41 AM

venusinblu

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i found i got defensive about my submission and indeed the nature of my relationship with my Master fairly recently, when i wanted to share my joy at being collared with my best (nilla) friend. She refused point blank to even look at my collar or discuss anything about our ceremony. Naturally, my collaring was a huge event to me and my Master (of two years). It broke my heart, on the one hand, that should could not share my joy and made me incredibly angry that i have to defend my kink and justify myself to someone i loved as well as a sister.

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RE: Defensive about being Submisive - 1/13/2008 11:12:27 AM

BabyKittyKat

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Yes, I`ve been really defensive in the begining especially.. But then I decided not to fight with my nature and go along the flow. Since I`m very dominant in my life, I tend to boss everyone around (even my bf`s), but I learned how to behave in a BDSM relationship and I`m more happy than ever! I remember just the other day I told my Owner that these days I`m eating a lot of food. And He said "Be cautios, don`t put any weight on". So I got reaaaaalyyyyy angry, and we`ve been fighting for two days. Today, when going home.. Suddenly I realised this is no vanilla.. He actually has the perfect right to say that! Then I called Him to say how sorry I am, and when He forgave me I felt really good... All the anger was gone and I felt happy again.

So, don`t worry. Don`t fight with your nature, try to accept you as the way you are, though it might be hard (since you`ve just discovered that side of you). Good luck and don`t worry! Nothing`s impossible :)

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RE: Defensive about being Submisive - 1/14/2008 4:21:51 AM

petpete

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Greetings F/folks.. Funny how i do this F/f thingy yet the real thing that i want to do that it is to be submissive to a Woman is out of reach for me.. Anyway i have to thank wervenm and xx for there encouraging words and especially to my local mate werv.. As to pixel comment i would like to make a reference that not all humans have the same character. There are specific races of people (i belive) who may never be tammed as in the BDSM way or may take a very long time before they do. It has to do a great deal with there origine and how dependant they are towards others. It also has to do with the way they grow on a social standard. There is also the case of how stubborn one is of wanting to accept there new status, to rid themselves from the many past years of personality they showen and bring out that person that they really want to be... If it was just one answer to this complexity it would be all great. Another factor has to do with the ability of the D to help that person come out and the passions they can show at times of crises. There arscientistst who are working for years on humabehaviorur and relations and stil haven't solved the this puzzle, are we really able to do this in the context of a dating site??

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RE: Defensive about being Submisive - 1/14/2008 9:02:27 AM

RCdc

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thank you amaris!

the.dark.

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RE: Defensive about being Submisive - 1/14/2008 12:15:13 PM

pixelslave

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quote:

ORIGINAL: petpete

Greetings F/folks.. Funny how i do this F/f thingy yet the real thing that i want to do that it is to be submissive to a Woman is out of reach for me.. Anyway i have to thank wervenm and xx for there encouraging words and especially to my local mate werv.. As to pixel comment i would like to make a reference that not all humans have the same character. There are specific races of people (i belive) who may never be tammed as in the BDSM way or may take a very long time before they do. It has to do a great deal with there origine and how dependant they are towards others. It also has to do with the way they grow on a social standard. There is also the case of how stubborn one is of wanting to accept there new status, to rid themselves from the many past years of personality they showen and bring out that person that they really want to be... If it was just one answer to this complexity it would be all great. Another factor has to do with the ability of the D to help that person come out and the passions they can show at times of crises. There arscientistst who are working for years on humabehaviorur and relations and stil haven't solved the this puzzle, are we really able to do this in the context of a dating site??

Please note my emphasis has been added to the post above. I spoke of a journey. I never said how long that journey would take, the path it would follow, or who you would meet that would guide you along parts of your journey. My journey has taken me many years and still continues. It's taken me a long time to reach the point where I'm at at this particular moment in time. Where the current path I'm following on my journey will take me from here I don't exactly know, nor do I know who will walk along beside me for part of that journey as I learn from them whatever they decide to teach me. I only know that it will continue as I learn more about myself, this lifeststyle, and continue to grow as a human being who is also a submissive male.

I've said nothing of there only being one answer, instead speaking of it as a process involving time and introspection as one journeys through life with a desire for knowledge and an openness to learning; about themselves, others, and life in general. Close you mind to possibilities, and I doubt you'll ever reach or see them. Visualize them as yours and eventually they're much more likely to become your realiaty.

I hope you'll find some wisdom in my words and decide not to continue to make excuses as to why you can't make what you'd like to see happen for yourself your reality. I could provide you with lots of excuses myself why I shouldn't be where I'm at today. Yet, here I am, having overcome many obstacles; knowing I have more to face ahead of me without all the answers on how to solve them. The choice is mine to give into them and quit, or to conintue on and face them. You have the same choices just as I do.

I wish you well on your journey.(warm smile)

- pixel

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RE: Defensive about being Submisive - 1/14/2008 2:40:10 PM

petpete

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Thank you pixel. i understand your point and what you wish to indicate to me. You are always very clear of what you have to say. However it is the fact that i have to accept certain changes apon myself to allow myself to follow the path. i think instead of complicating it much further there is also a simple answer to all this. It is having the right person that is willing to and being to communicate for people like us my point was that there are some of us that is either culturallembeddedd upon us or just simply the way we are that we do can only mix with the right people. To put it in a simple words not as outgoing as others. Nevertheless i wish to thank you for your input and indications pixel. i understand you have more experience and i'm greatful for you sharing your personal thoughts along with the other submissives that may also feel like i do. Thank you pixel.

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RE: Defensive about being Submisive - 1/14/2008 3:46:38 PM

tied2it

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I'm not defensive about being submisive . I submit to people of my picking ( and if it is accepted by that person of course ) . Out of that arangement i'm not very submissive . Just because you submit to one does not mean you have to submit to everyone . sub does not = weak .

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RE: Defensive about being Submisive - 1/14/2008 3:56:26 PM

mystralfire

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I'm a bit of the same way I think, I'm independant overall and when I try to drop my guard it's like a wall pops up and won't go away. An auto defense I think, so it's kind of understandable about defensiveness.

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