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RE: Privacy...or secrecy? - 8/27/2005 9:27:00 AM   
kingrichard089


Posts: 20
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline 		I agree with most posters here - I was accidentally "outed" to my family when I was still in high school - they're main concern was that I didn't think of them this was (which is silly, I told them) - oh, and my dad, who was an art teacher, thought the drawings were pretty good :) - I tried to keep it hidden from friends throughout much of my early twenties, but eventually found that that was counter-productive - I've met more people with common interests by not hiding it.

While I'm not in a profession where it would cause me too many problems if folks knew, there are folks everywhere who don't like it. These people usually say so and I don't get any more specific with them about it. They usually forget about it quickly; I don't bring it up any more and they tend to focus on things they like about me instead.

Maybe I'm just lucky that way. . .

I suppose it's different if you're married to someone who doesn't approve, but then why are you married to someone who doesn't approve?

The only thing I can see it really affecting is a career in politics because then you have to deal with everybody's screwed-up opinions about everything.

KR

(in reply to subcheryl)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Privacy...or secrecy? - 8/27/2005 10:27:16 AM   
KittenWithaTwist


Posts: 490
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline 		I'm not afraid of being outed, but it's already happened to me with the people that count the most: my family, and it certainly didn't make my life easier. I try not to talk about it as much now, because I wonder if it would make others judge me in an uncertain light.

Someone said that if people don't like you the way you are, then fuck em. I disagree with this. After all, the people that I love the most in the world don't like what I do with my sexuality, but as long as none of us bring it up, all is well.

While I may not lose my job or my children (dont have any) because of my sexuality, I can still lose my friends and my family. People don't understand BDSM, and no amount of my explanations seem to help, so I figure it's better to keep it to myself rather than wear it on my sleeve.

As for what mnotter said, I think its ridiculous to say that if you can't afford to be outted, you shouldn't be doing BDSM. Unfortunately, this is never realistic for people with alternative sexualities. I shouldn't have to chose between relationships that fulfill me on a personal level-either sexually, emotionally, or financially. It isn't the business of others to delve into my private life-perhaps they should remember that, rather than having me not indulge in myself.


Hmm, I rambled...

(in reply to krazysubbiekat)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Privacy...or secrecy? - 8/27/2005 10:48:43 AM   
thelight


Posts: 82
Joined: 7/31/2005
Status: offline 		at the moment, this is strictly an online thing for me. but if i ever became involved in the lifestyle in real life, i would be very afraid of being outed.

i am a professsional, and as such, my liveihood depends upon my reputation. there is a lot of gossip within my profession, and i would not want people to have a means of damaing my career by talking about me behind my back, where i have no opportunity to defend myself.

< Message edited by thelight -- 8/27/2005 10:50:01 AM >

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thelight is forbidden to shine

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Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Privacy...or secrecy? - 8/27/2005 2:11:00 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		Dear LadyAngelica,

You misceive me I am afraid. Now to try and straigten this out a little bit. I am now replying to the post this is attached to. And would not consider your words to be contrued to say that you couldn't afford it in a mental sense, I guess that was the flavor I was warming my reply to.

I am rather a lazy bastard as you know, and am often wont to not concern myself with posting to the reply I was posting too. Just where I was when struck by the theme. Additionally, I admit to using indelicate turn or phase and words of inglorious texture. In fact, I sit exactly in aggrement with your statements in this post.

In a nutshell, if I am outed it would be a drag. No more no less, I will get over it. If on the other hand someone can't see it that way, and considers suicide or overwhelming mental anguish that would stop them from functioning....say on the order of OJ making the getaway in the Bronco (or worse)...... then they shouldn't be here. If this explication clears up aught, then I am the better for it. If I have miscommunicated my intent for the worse, then I can only beg pardon. A horse who has 4 legs stumbles once in awhile, why not I who only have one tongue?

Sincerely,
Ron

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to LadyAngelika)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Privacy...or secrecy? - 8/27/2005 2:23:10 PM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

A horse who has 4 legs stumbles once in awhile, why not I who only have one tongue?


Ah yes, but just like horses, tongues can be trained ;-)

I understand what you are saying, and you are right, it is all about weighing what is most important to us.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to mnottertail)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Privacy...or secrecy? - 8/27/2005 2:35:39 PM   
krazysubbiekat


Posts: 145
Joined: 7/31/2005
Status: offline 		Everyone has spoke of their professional and family lives. Now i would like to add another thought...how would you feel if someone in the lifestyle recognized you on the street? Would you greet them? Act like you don't know them? Hide? lol I am really confused by the protocol...I'm not likely to address them by their scene name, but is it okay to say hi?

_____________________________

"Treat every day like it is a gift. Unwrap it and then wrap your arms around it; it will surprise and intrigue you." --N. Elchibini


(in reply to LadyAngelika)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Privacy...or secrecy? - 8/27/2005 2:38:53 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		Have you had conversations with them here? Do you admire them for other reasons than they can whip some ass? By all means do. Be open as you can. I don't think that you shouldn't use more tact than is demonstrated here, on the other hand. Be aware of your public, and they are just as unlikely to want outting as you do.

Ron

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to krazysubbiekat)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Privacy...or secrecy? - 8/27/2005 2:45:21 PM   
krazysubbiekat


Posts: 145
Joined: 7/31/2005
Status: offline 		I was thinking more along the lines of the people in my local scene, but there are those from here that I have recognized on the street, and didn't say anything because I was unsure of the etiquette.

_____________________________

"Treat every day like it is a gift. Unwrap it and then wrap your arms around it; it will surprise and intrigue you." --N. Elchibini


(in reply to mnottertail)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Privacy...or secrecy? - 8/27/2005 2:47:06 PM   
thelight


Posts: 82
Joined: 7/31/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: krazysubbiekat

Everyone has spoke of their professional and family lives. Now i would like to add another thought...how would you feel if someone in the lifestyle recognized you on the street? Would you greet them? Act like you don't know them? Hide? lol I am really confused by the protocol...I'm not likely to address them by their scene name, but is it okay to say hi?


i would never not say hi to someone i knew if i met them on the street. to me, that is just plain rude. even if i were with businesss associates when i ran into them, i don't have to tell my associates how i know this person, i'd just say, 'this is my friend so and so,' and leave it at that.

however, i would think that, unless the person you run into is alone, you shoudn't bring up anything lifestyle related.

< Message edited by thelight -- 8/27/2005 2:48:58 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Privacy...or secrecy? - 8/27/2005 2:47:08 PM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: krazysubbiekat

I was thinking more along the lines of the people in my local scene, but there are those from here that I have recognized on the street, and didn't say anything because I was unsure of the etiquette.


I usually just smile and nod and say hi. If they have become my friend and we can talk about more then ass slapping, then I'll ask them how they are doing. If not, I treat them like the classmate I never really talked to and just politely smile.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to krazysubbiekat)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Privacy...or secrecy? - 8/27/2005 5:39:20 PM   
EvilTwin1


Posts: 11
Joined: 8/26/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: krazysubbiekat

As I was reading another post, I wondered how many in TTWD are afraid of being "outed" having their role in this to be made public. I do understand that some fear for their professional lives, their maritial status, their whatever. Is this the motivating reason for their almost fanatical need for secrecy or is it something else?



Maybe I see this a bit too simplistically. People don't want to be outed because it can be embarrassing, humilliating and degrading. I don't know of many that would seek public scorn along with social and professional rejection.

On the other hand there is this amazingly compelling "lifestyle". Each of us has to decide precisely how high our profile will be in it. Some will be that quiet couple at the rear who always leave early, others will be the ones on the stage with the microphone. We all make choice.

What is the saying? If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.

(in reply to krazysubbiekat)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Privacy...or secrecy? - 8/27/2005 8:06:34 PM   
EvilGeoff


Posts: 523
Joined: 8/24/2005
Status: offline 		I'm already out about my involvement in this lifestyle to anyone who matters, so it's a non-issue for me.

My employers don't care as long as I show up on time and do my job.

Now for greeting people I know from the Scene in the 'nilla world, it depends on the circumstances. If they are with others, I nod, smile, maye give a "tip o' the hat" or little salute. If they acknowledge and wave me over then I will approach and let _them_ handle the introduction. At NO time will I initiate close contact if they are with someone I do not know. I respect their privacy and understand people not wanting to be outted.

If they are alone I'll approach and say "Hi! How's it going?" and then let their comfort level dictate where the convo goes.

Hope that helps!
- Geoff

(in reply to EvilTwin1)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Privacy...or secrecy? - 8/28/2005 12:52:50 AM   
UtopianRanger


Posts: 3251
Status: offline
quote:

Anybody who can't afford to be outed should not be here. End of joke. If this ........ummmmm THANG..... is so important to you that you take the risk, you better be able to take the consequence.


Ron...

I think your pretty close to being on target. If only Marv Albert had had Phineas J. Whoopee around, maybe he wouldn't have lost his job at NBC....

quote:

Just give me all your money and then I'll dominate you public ally and you can kill 2 birds with one stone ;-)

- LA


Public session, huh? Nah... I'll pass. I was thinking at the very least I warranted an invitation aboard your private sloop... Then we could see what happens between Quebec and Boston.


- The Ranger



_____________________________

"If you are going to win any battle, you have to do one thing. You have to make the mind run the body. Never let the body tell the mind what to do... the body is never tired if the mind is not tired."

-General George S. Patton


(in reply to LadyAngelika)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Privacy...or secrecy? - 8/28/2005 4:27:46 PM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

quote:

Just give me all your money and then I'll dominate you public ally and you can kill 2 birds with one stone ;-)

- LA

Public session, huh? Nah... I'll pass. I was thinking at the very least I warranted an invitation aboard your private sloop... Then we could see what happens between Quebec and Boston.


My private sloop? Oh yes, the one headed for my private island... <weg>

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to UtopianRanger)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Privacy...or secrecy? - 8/29/2005 2:33:37 AM   
MissDiandSirHugh


Posts: 1158
Joined: 8/11/2005
From: Goondiwindi ( Qld )
Status: offline 		We have to be very secretive of our lifestyle if it is the domme one or just an open mariage as we live in a small country town which over the years we have discovered is the same the world over all very dangerious and full of stories that can cause hardship and loss of income which makes it very hard at times even though we do have a photo of us on any site we are in it may help then knowing that others around us are looking as well but with any other privace matter we never give anyone photos of other people or of us with others which sometimes does make them upset for not geting them but stiff as we respect the people in the photos and know they respect our feelings as well

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Privacy...or secrecy? - 8/29/2005 7:02:07 AM   
NEOkDOM


Posts: 5
Joined: 11/22/2004
Status: offline 		I don't flaunt my lifestyle but neither do I try to hide who or what I am. I have a tat on my right forearm of a rose through a pair of handcuffs with the "Kenji" symbol above it. If someone asks then I tell them. I find mostly that it comes down to "don't ask, don't tell". Like some of the others that have posted, I think most of my vanilla friends just don't want to know. They come over and see the suspension frame in the spare bedroom and the ropes hanging around and wonder but most of them never ask. I do have a few male friends that I think live vicariously through me, wishing they could do what I do but not having the guts to talk to their spouses about it.

I don't live my life for anyone else. As Popeye says "I yam what I yam and that's all that I yam". As long as I'm true to myself and those that are meaningful in my life then I am content.

(in reply to krazysubbiekat)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Privacy...or secrecy? - 8/29/2005 7:28:31 AM   
MrThorns


Posts: 919
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline 		To answer the original question, I am out of the BDSM-version of the closet for the most part. My sister is somewhat aware of my choices and my Mom is becoming more aware..thanks to my sister and an episode of Mythbusters in which they were testing the plausibility of "Chinese Water Torture". Perhaps smilezz and I exchanged a few too many wicked looks at each other on the couch.

A few of my vanilla friends are aware, but I have been selective about who I choose to let into my life...so I have yet to be "outed" by anyone.
My coworkers are another story. There may be a possibility of me losing my job if someone were to say that my behaviors were an embarrassment to my employer or that I was ethically/morally bankrupt. So, you most likely won't be seing me publishing any books or appearing on Larry King anytime soon.

quote:

ORIGINAL: krazysubbiekat

Everyone has spoke of their professional and family lives. Now i would like to add another thought...how would you feel if someone in the lifestyle recognized you on the street? Would you greet them? Act like you don't know them? Hide? lol I am really confused by the protocol...I'm not likely to address them by their scene name, but is it okay to say hi?


There are very serious confidentiality issues here. If I saw someone on the street whom I had seen at a public or private play party, I might give them a little smile or a nod...but that's it. I would never approach someone and discuss anything BDSM related without their explicit permission and/or the appropriate time/place.

Who knows who they are with? They could be out shopping with their kid, grandmother, boss, etc and suddenly I walk up and say, "Damn, last weekend was a blast! Those weights on your nipples looked really great. How did that flogging feel? " etc etc. Even walking up and saying hi could create a disturbance.

I'll talk to people I know to be BDSM-folk in what I/they consider to be appropriate venues: Munches, parties, on invitation, BDSM street fairs, etc. Anything else could really create an embarrasing situation for the other person.

~Thorns

_____________________________

~"Do you know what the chain of command is? Its the chain I beat ya with when ya don't follow my command."

"My inner child is a mean little fucker"

(in reply to krazysubbiekat)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Privacy...or secrecy? - 8/29/2005 7:53:55 AM   
lonewolf05


Posts: 830
Joined: 6/21/2005
Status: offline 		ttwd?

ah jeeez. can ya do it in american so some folks can read it?

and "I" myself have nothing to fear but maybe my Ms does.

wolf

_____________________________

"there is no gravity, life sucks!"


(in reply to krazysubbiekat)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Privacy...or secrecy? - 8/29/2005 3:06:53 PM   
krazysubbiekat


Posts: 145
Joined: 7/31/2005
Status: offline 		i was wondering when i would get a taste of de wolf's bite...lol i officially belong!

_____________________________

"Treat every day like it is a gift. Unwrap it and then wrap your arms around it; it will surprise and intrigue you." --N. Elchibini


(in reply to lonewolf05)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Privacy...or secrecy? - 8/29/2005 4:49:29 PM   
dominmd


Posts: 474
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika

As far as I'm concerned, this is no one's business but mine. Do I fear being outed, no. Would I rather have my privacy, yes.

- LA


I second that.

I really could care less if anyone outed me. I would not be happy, but I would get over it. And it would make my life considerably easier for me. I do want my privacy though, but if something were to happen.......................life goes on.

(in reply to LadyAngelika)
Profile   Post #: 40
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