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pinkpleasures -> RE: Insults and Flaming V Good Healthy Communications. (8/27/2005 5:34:00 AM)
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The commencement of good communications is listening. Those who excel in communicating also excel in listening. This is taught to Counsellors, and I know that over 75% of counselling sessions I have with clients are me listening even to the silence. This way we can understand what our talker is really saying and by asking a couple of questions we can gain a greater understanding of what the person is really trying to say. Remember there are three segments of what is being said: What the person thinks they are saying. What the person actually says. What you understand them to have said. One screw up in any one of these areas can result in an almighty “Cluster F…k”.
IronBear
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I perhaps comment that I personally value people on what they are as a person and not their status, acedemically, financially, politically or birthright.
IronBear
First, let me state, IronBear, that Your attitudes and mine regarding a person's inherent dignity and worth seem quite well-aligned. This is one reason i strenuously object to dismissing a member's post on the basis of poor spelling, etc.
i read, and re-read, what You had written about flaming. i would add that such posts violate the Forum Guidelines and Collarme TOS, and i will add links to those before closing my post here.
There are some members who apparently cannot accept discourse -- the exchange of ideas -- and begin threads or post seeking validation alone. Nothing short of this will do, and those who fail in that expectation get flamed. Thus, the "listening" which You describe seems to be a lost art to some members.
People react differently when flamed. Some, like myself, attempt to respond to the substantive portion of the flame post and either respond with an explanation or an apology. Others simply reiterate "it's about the subject at hand, not about me".
i think one problem which You might aid myself and others with is -- how best to respond when flamed? Ignore it? Try to redirect the subject? Another approach? Perhaps abandoning a thread altogether after a flame is the best course of action -- but the problem is, so few threads would be continued.
My sense is there's an attitude amoung some members "that i was here first"; as if there were a pecking order which members fall into. i also feel that, over time, some members have developed rather hardened views as to what may be the subject of a thread and how opinions thereunder should be spoken/written. This "hardened" attitude further adds to the flaming as these members' expectations are not met by newer members.
Few members seem willing to admit that an ad homimen attack is a logical fallacy. It only serves to underscore the loss of mutual respect; violation of Collarme TOS and Forum Guidelines; but perhaps most importantly, it signals that the member making the attack has nothing substantive to add to the dialogue or debate on the ideas at hand. i'm also confused as to why an ultra-sensitive member would post at all. i feel an opinion, expressed in a post, is by it's nature open to dialogue and even debate. No one member has the "final say" on any subject.
All sources of rules on the Collarme boards prohibit flaming. Personal attacks; harrassing speech; hate speech -- all are forbidden. i would define "flaming" as one member assigning a low value to the post(s) of another on the basis of an ad homimen attack. When such speech occurs repeatedly, it becomes more than a flame; it becomes harrassment.
There are no Collarme TOS or Forum Guidelines which dictate who may post; some rules do direct members to post in the appropriate forum; and some subjects are off-limits; e.g., discussion of illegal activities. Other rules encourage the use of "search" to reduce redundant threads, as well as controlling font size. However, no rule assigns a caste system to the boards, elevating some members to a higher, more respected position and thus limiting the speech of others.
i have received email from members who are afraid to post here, or who are afraid to respond to an ad homimen attack, because they fear a member or members' speech. Driving away members from the boards because they cannot abide the insults, etc., is a bad sign. Why mutual respect is such a rare bird here escapes me. In my opinion, mutual respect should be a constant; and anything less should be treated as the violation of Rules that it is.
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Administrative Guidelines:
http://www.collarchat.com/Search/m_13127/tm.htm
http://www.collarchat.com/Collarme%25com_Forum_Guidelines/m_72/tm.htm
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Collareme Terms of Service:
http://www.collarme.com/bdsm/register.htm
Additionally, each Forum has Guidelines, found at the top of each Section.
pinkpleasures
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