am i being a brat?

am i being a brat? (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive

Message

venusinblu -> am i being a brat? (1/13/2008 10:34:33 AM)
New to here, but not new to the lifestyle .. Master and i have been together for a while now - but we are not 24/7. He is the creative type - a composer. When he works he really throws himself body and soul into his work, and 99% of the time that's great, i can happily work alongside him, supporting him emotionally and creatively. However, on odd occassions that body and soul energy he throws at his work seriously detracts from the D/s aspect of our relationship. i feel that he drops so quickly and so unexpectedly that i panic. i feel that he's lost interest in me/U/us, i engage in inappropriate behaviour, i wander 'away'. i feel that he doesn't want me, i shut down, withdraw and do things like delete my journal or start ignoring him... i mean, i am a grown woman, and this is ridiculous behaviour. But i feel so lost without his Domination. His work takes everything when the Muse strikes. His work is like his lover - 'she' (for i call his work 'she') takes all his attention, his sex drive, his passion and i am left waiting in the dark for him to come back. i blame his sudden 'drop' for my feelings on one hand, and on the other, i am angry with him - because he brought me to this place of submission, and i cannot turn it on and off like a tap. i have looked into sub-frenzy and i feel feelings akin to that. i know i need to talk to him, but how does one say 'i feel so pushed aside sometimes?' without sounding like a brat. Am i being unreasonable or should he communicate his shut-down to me and provide me with some reassurances?

sambamanslilgirl -> RE: am i being a brat? (1/13/2008 10:59:16 AM)
you just answered your own question - merely tell him " i feel so pushed aside sometimes when you're composing." my advice, you need to find a moment (when he's not too deep into his work) and communicate (nicely) your thoughts and feelings about the current status of your relationship. plus you also have to learn how to give your master the space needed to work (my SO and i discussed this before since we're both writers by profession) and figure out a way to keep busy - take up a new hobby or online class - while he's working. good luck

liminalRapture -> RE: am i being a brat? (1/13/2008 10:59:42 AM)
In my opinion, as a gross over-generalization--men do that. Especially men who love their work and know their purpose. They don't multi-task the way we do. (Again, gross overgeneralization.) You are going to have to deal with the fact that he throws himself into his work. Any man worth being with, imo, will. That said, you can find ways to get your needs met too. Make sure he has all day to work, and then you two have a nice dinner. But don't interfere with his work.

venusinblu -> RE: am i being a brat? (1/13/2008 11:08:29 AM)
Thank you, sambamanslilgirl .. i think you're right, i am going to have to talk to him nicely when his head isn't full of music ..

venusinblu -> RE: am i being a brat? (1/13/2008 11:11:03 AM)
liminalRapture - you speak a lot of sense .. i need to find a diversion of my own!

adoracat -> RE: am i being a brat? (1/13/2008 11:11:52 AM)
for me, having some hobbies also helps when Daddy isnt available to me. i have a few things that i keep for doing ONLY at those times...those are times when i meditate (a daily thing anyway) or i journal, or i send emails or make phone calls. personally even though i adore Daddy, i DO need time to myself to recharge my batteries. but that's me, of course. :) kitten

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: am i being a brat? (1/13/2008 11:29:17 AM)
I agree- the words you used were already perfect. Just make sure to approach it as "I want to work beyond this and be more secure with you" and not "This is a problem you created and you need to fix it for me now!"

KatyLied -> RE: am i being a brat? (1/13/2008 11:30:32 AM)
I think you should talk to him and explain why you feel you need to pursue these withdrawing behaviors. It sort of seems like you are punishing him in a passive-aggressive manner. Perhaps he can institute some rituals or things you can do that will make you feel more comfortable during those times he can't be giving you attention. I also think it would be to your advantage to find these things on your own. Considering giving him time for himself as a way you are serving him. Some people require more "alone time" than others and there are constructive ways to go about dealing with it.

Sirsinini -> RE: am i being a brat? (1/13/2008 11:50:20 AM)
My Sir is the type that doesnt need people in his life, he chooses and wants to have specific people. In this I find solace because he wants and chooses me. But it has been difficult at times. During times when I am feeling "neglected" I have been able to tell him without behaviours that I might have or could use. He has pounded openness into me and has been extremely patient when I do approach him with my feelings. Aside from the great remarks already said, I would only think to add something from my own experience. Woman tend to be more emotionally needy than men do. I know I am. I have been learning through his input and the input of my therapist that I dont have to be needy, especially when I know I am wanted. Sir has told me/assured and reassured me that if I was not wanted, I would be the first to know, verbally, not by his actions. He often gets absorbed in his own agenda and I have learned this is not to exclude me, it is because he doesnt not need anyone, does not want to be dependent on anyone, esp a relationship with a woman. He reassured me one day by saying..... I care that you are tired, I am concerned when you work too much, I only care about your sefety when driving (and his kids of course) and no matter if he is self absorbed, he knows I am still his property and he stills owns me and that is how it will stay. I do understand the passive aggressive reactionary tendencies that you might feel fully aroused inside of you. Self talk helps me at times. I am His and I am the only one that is his and he only wants and chooses me. I hope I have helped in some small way. Sir's devoted Inini

batshalom -> RE: am i being a brat? (1/13/2008 1:04:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: venusinblu i feel that he drops so quickly and so unexpectedly that i panic. i feel that he's lost interest in me/U/us, i engage in inappropriate behaviour, i wander 'away'. i feel that he doesn't want me, i shut down, withdraw and do things like delete my journal or start ignoring him... i mean, i am a grown woman, and this is ridiculous behaviour. Simply do not allow it to panic you. You know what to expect now, so expect it. Shutting down and withdrawing, deleting things from your journal, and ignoring him is all passive aggression - work on that. It is a fear-based response. quote: ORIGINAL: venusinblu But i feel so lost without his Domination. His work takes everything when the Muse strikes. His work is like his lover - 'she' (for i call his work 'she') takes all his attention, his sex drive, his passion and i am left waiting in the dark for him to come back. That can be difficult, yes, but realize that he is doing what he does - composing - and that it takes this amount of attention. You are talking like a victim "left waiting in the dark for him to come back" and you are not a victim. You are a grown woman fully capable of managing her own life, being supportive of his work (would you like it if he were jealous of your work and instead of supporting you he acted in a passive aggressive manner?) and capable of self-actualization. quote: ORIGINAL: venusinblu i blame his sudden 'drop' for my feelings on one hand, and on the other, i am angry with him - because he brought me to this place of submission, and i cannot turn it on and off like a tap. i have looked into sub-frenzy and i feel feelings akin to that. You're being a victim here too. You blame him entirely. Shoulder some of your own responsibility. He doesn't make you feel any way - you allow yourself to wallow in it. Once you start wallowing, it turns into a vicious cycle of pity party and blame. It will only get worse if you do not step back from it and see it for what it is. Be responsible for yourself and for your feelings and actions. quote: ORIGINAL: venusinblu i know i need to talk to him, but how does one say 'i feel so pushed aside sometimes?' without sounding like a brat. Am i being unreasonable or should he communicate his shut-down to me and provide me with some reassurances? Talk to him, yes, but do so without placing blame on him. Put yourself in his position and think about what you would hope to hear if the situation were reversed. You aren't being unreasonable, exactly, but you aren't taking a whole lot of responsibility for yourself either.

venusinblu -> RE: am i being a brat? (1/13/2008 1:24:37 PM)
thank you all so much for your great answers .. I totally agree about the PA thing .. i learnt to be PA in my marriage and it's stuck like a disease .. i'll look at my behaviour and evalute it .. thank again, you're all great ladies...

KatyLied -> RE: am i being a brat? (1/13/2008 1:27:14 PM)
You have made a big step in knowing that you need to change your behavior when you have those feelings. Nothing wrong with asking him for some suggestions to help you with it.

gorgeous1 -> RE: am i being a brat? (1/13/2008 3:28:09 PM)
You're not being a brat at all. It's natural to feel neglected and frustrated. But, you do need to be realistic. He's a musician. Before I met/married Capnspankins, I had two serious relationships, both with musicians. Music ALWAYS came first. It sucks everything into this hole that knows no time or space. The same goes for people who paint/sculpt/draw. The very things that you love about him are also the things that can take him away from you, so you have to decide if you don't mind being second to his music. Personally, I couldn't handle the frustration of being "second" in these musician's lives, so I moved on eventually, but not before I gave them both probably headaches from my incessant bitching..."What the hell are you doing? Are you kidding me?!!??? We're already ten minutes late and you're still in your effin underwear playing guitar? Arrrggggghhh!" If you decide you can handle being second to his music, then don't make him feel guilty when he is inspired and needs to work. Take the advice of everyone here- find a hobby. Take up knitting or crocheting- you can curl up on the sofa and enjoy being the first person to hear new music ( what and honor!) and it doesn't make noise. Needlepoint is great too. Good luck dear, it's a tough row to hoe!

venusinblu -> RE: am i being a brat? (1/13/2008 4:30:22 PM)
i had to smile at your post, gorgeous1 .. not only is he a musician, he's also a painter, so i get it all ways! lol! ... i will talk with him tomorrow ... and yes, hearing his lyrics first is such a honor, as you say .. needlepoint, good idea! .. i won't make him feel guilty for his creativity .. i need to find a way to handle my reactions and not as another wise lady (above) said punish him for it. i do love him with all my heart and when i have his complete attention it is Heaven beyond any Heaven .. admittedly, when i have it, it is 100% focussed on me, he is not a half measures sort of Dom - so i should be grateful that i get what his music gets when he gives it to me. Thank you all once again. i know i need to change and the advice i got here and the wisdom of you all, particularly batshalom, KatyLied and sirsinini, has hit home in a good and constructive way. Blessings be .. xox

subantionette -> RE: am i being a brat? (1/13/2008 5:15:13 PM)
my Sir is like this as well: quote: He is the creative type - a composer. When he works he really throws himself body and soul into his work, and 99% of the time that's great, i can happily work alongside him, supporting him emotionally and creatively. well he is a writer, but sometimes he just isnt there when i would like him to be, and then there are time its it like are you even there, i call it his version of sub-space--book-space, but he always comes out and when he does[:D] its always about us! but if you can't handle it you should wait for a good time and talk to him about it.

fairerthanshe -> RE: am i being a brat? (1/13/2008 6:09:30 PM)
Greetings, I agree with a great many things that have been suggested so far. Added to those, you might request a particular set routine of tasks that you will take care of whenever the muse strikes. These could be long term projects that don't require his specific oversight but he may not want you to be doing when he is available. An example of this may be deep cleaning of a particular area of the house or perhaps something more directed at your own self improvement like reading a particular book and writing a book report on it for him. You might even bring him a list and see which ones he would prefer you focus on while he is otherwise occupied. Hope these help ~ fairer

gorgeous1 -> RE: am i being a brat? (1/14/2008 10:21:20 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: venusinblu i had to smile at your post, gorgeous1 .. not only is he a musician, he's also a painter, so i get it all ways! lol! ... i will talk with him tomorrow ... and yes, hearing his lyrics first is such a honor, as you say .. needlepoint, good idea! .. i won't make him feel guilty for his creativity .. i need to find a way to handle my reactions and not as another wise lady (above) said punish him for it. i do love him with all my heart and when i have his complete attention it is Heaven beyond any Heaven .. admittedly, when i have it, it is 100% focussed on me, he is not a half measures sort of Dom - so i should be grateful that i get what his music gets when he gives it to me. Thank you all once again. i know i need to change and the advice i got here and the wisdom of you all, particularly batshalom, KatyLied and sirsinini, has hit home in a good and constructive way. Blessings be .. xox Yup...how many times have you been late for something because he's still in his underwear composing? SO FRUSTRATING...Argh! I hate being late, and I pride myself in time management. I'm a creative person so I understand the need to create and how you have to create when you are inspired, but I guess for me since my creativity is expressed through design of clothing or writing, I can put it down and go do what I have to do. I think for music or painting though, you just HAVE to stay in the moment...if you stop you can lose that delicate thread of notes, or if the light is just right for painting, you can't stop because the light may never be quite the same again. You sound like you have a man worth keeping though- some artists are just not hardwired for maintaining a relationship with anything other than their work, and those people suck the life out of those around them, usually unwittingly. Your guy sounds like he has some balance to his life!

Page: [1]

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.046875