RE: I have a Lifestyle

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Stephann -> RE: I have a Lifestyle (1/14/2008 10:32:01 AM)
thedark, When I see the term "BDSM" by itself, I don't immediately think 'What you do.' I think of the general group of people who involve in alternative relationships (D/s and M/s relationships) and/or fetishistic activities (ranging from S&M to cross dressing, and overlapping with the goth/fetish look.) Thus, I don't get cranky and throw in a bunch of fuck yous, if someone doesn't carefully word a statement or question wrapped in exactly how I word or phrase things. Considering there was no sex over on the other thread, the fucks suggest someone is offended. LadyPact, It was an interesting demo, to say the least. The guy who did it was very low key, really seemed to know what he was doing, but was very approachable. He took a very common sense approach, saying it matters more to keep alert with what you're doing, as opposed to dozens of precautions. I did use the word 'deviant' on purpose, as it shows how what some folks might claim a word, concept, or idea to mean doesn't necessarily have to define, for me, what it means. Warm regards, Stephan

AquaticSub -> RE: I have a Lifestyle (1/14/2008 10:34:00 AM)
I guess I don't see belonging to one lifestyle as meaning you are excluded from others. D/s is part of me and I can not deny that to varying degrees it defines my day-to-day life and the manner (or style) in which I live my life - exactly the same as being a college student does. I can not attend an event this week that I would like to because I have a class the next day. If you choose to stop having d/s influence your everyday living, or move away from LA, or graduate from college then those things no longer affect how you order your life.

Justme696 -> RE: I have a Lifestyle (1/14/2008 10:39:57 AM)
Nothing is deviant aslong the participants agree, not?

charlotte12 -> RE: I have a Lifestyle (1/14/2008 10:41:15 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark Hi Aqua - Maybe it is because Darcy and I see BDSM as what you do, and Ds as what we are that we do not see it inherently as a Lifestyle. If we use your example, say College Lifestyle, you are in college, or in LA - doing those particular things. BDSM is four different activities you do - and not being within - something. If you are from LA and was born there, would not make you part of the LA Lifestyle unless you are actively participating in it would you? Its a 'do', not an 'are'. the.dark. Ahhhhh....I think i get what you mean now. You don't consider it a lifestyle because it is simply who you are, not what you do? I simply am Masters slave. We participate in the BDSM "lifestyle" by visiting dungeons and posting on the forums because it allows us an opportunity to enjoy some activities that we would not be allowed to enjoy with other people. But we do not base our relationship on BDSM activities. We are involved in an M/s relationship because it is who we are as people. Is that somewhat what you were saying? Sorry for carrying on with this but I really am interested on your view because i do agree that too often everything is lumped under "one lifestyle" with no recognition of the fact that no two D/s relationships are exactly alike. charlotte

RCdc -> RE: I have a Lifestyle (1/14/2008 10:42:45 AM)
Hello charlotte - I do see Ds as a lifestyle - but not BDSM. Darcy and I live our own Ds lifestyle, just as your master and yourself. But I am not part of some huge BDSM community until I step into a specific community. Again, pointing out I do not and never have placed Ds in BDSM and that it is a fairly new concept to add Ds and Ms and Sm(Sadist/masochist) into the acronym. I do understand others do, but we do not. To us, Ds Ms and Sm(Sadist/masochist) are what you are. BDSM (Sadism/masochism) are what you do. the.dark.

Justme696 -> RE: I have a Lifestyle (1/14/2008 10:43:54 AM)
quote: Is that somewhat what you were saying? Sorry for carrying on with this but I really am interested on your view because i do agree that too often everything is lumped under "one lifestyle" with no recognition of the fact that no two D/s relationships are exactly alike. Isn't beeing put in a group, not soemthing you feel yourself, and not alwys caused by others? And does beeing in that group limit how you act?

AMaster -> RE: I have a Lifestyle (1/14/2008 10:44:51 AM)
........ and your point is?

Justme696 -> RE: I have a Lifestyle (1/14/2008 10:45:40 AM)
oops to fast, apology

RCdc -> RE: I have a Lifestyle (1/14/2008 10:54:19 AM)
Stephann When I am reading here, I believe it is important to remember that not everyone thinks the same way and I do try to take that into consideration. I do find that a lot of people negate cultural differences when determining inflection behind responses. I gave my point of view - I cannot speak for IM - but I am an east london girl - fuck is an everyday word which I use. Not when I am cranky, or negative - it's just another word. If I really was insulted, I simply wouldn't have answered and would have walked away - because I would not waste my energy being touched in a negative way because I do not believe in giving power away like that. However I will state my POV. I am confused and interested in why you would find sex would make the other thread offensive though? To me, it would not? The word 'fuck' is completley different to 'fuck you'. I am precise - if I meant fuck you believe me - I would say it - but TOS states that is not acceptable so whilst in this community, I adhere and if not, accept the consequence. There is no consequence in the 'BDSM Community'. I am not responsible how you or anyone else takes my fucks - and it isn't going to stop me using them or apologise if you(generic) determine them to be something they are not. However, it would be responsible of me to explain why I say something if you did misunderstand my intentions. If that makes any sense. the.dark.

daddyncherry -> RE: I have a Lifestyle (1/14/2008 11:11:54 AM)
We don't participate alot in the community...but we do live with a BDSM life style..or the style in which we live our lives. (different than "the lifestyle") my Master/Daddy doesn't feel the great need to be a "joiner" and so we just aren't a part of that whole "thang", meaning community and yet we do go to play at public dungeons and such and i will occasionally go to an event or lecture within the community. i liken it to the "gay community", which is kind of an umbrella to gay people in general. Not all of them go out and hang around every weekend (or any weekend for some) and yet they are a "community"...Some are more vocal, some more apt to get up on a soap box to stand up or march for rights etc. and then there are those who might go out and dance one night a season and who never speak out in any way to call attention...and yet they are all considered a community. We live our life in a style that my Daddy chooses...As far as being deviant, by Stephan's posted definition, we are definitely deviant.... in comparison to alot of different groups and sub groups. It all depends on what your criteria is and what one is deviating from....In comparison to Mr and Mrs. Vanilla Smith we are deviant on many levels...but then they aren't my norm (the majority of those i associate with are M/s and D/s so they are my norm), so maybe they are the deviants(?)...... It's all a matter of perspective. (sorry if this seems to trail off into nowhere, i haven't had enough coffee yet)

RCdc -> RE: I have a Lifestyle (1/14/2008 11:15:49 AM)
quote: Ahhhhh....I think i get what you mean now. You don't consider it a lifestyle because it is simply who you are, not what you do? Yes, absolutely. quote: I simply am Masters slave. We participate in the BDSM "lifestyle" by visiting dungeons and posting on the forums because it allows us an opportunity to enjoy some activities that we would not be allowed to enjoy with other people. But we do not base our relationship on BDSM activities. We are involved in an M/s relationship because it is who we are as people. I totally comprehend and it's the same for Darcy and I. However, when we attend an event we are participating in the 'Kinkfest Community' or the 'insertmunchnamehere' community. Not a lifestyle because there are so many groupswithingroups. But we do not restrict it to BDSM. quote: Is that somewhat what you were saying? Sorry for carrying on with this but I really am interested on your view because i do agree that too often everything is lumped under "one lifestyle" with no recognition of the fact that no two D/s relationships are exactly alike. charlotte Not carrying on at all IMO - it's how you find out exactly what people mean or are suggesting, because without inflection or mannerisms, it's really easy to mis-interpret others intentions. the.dark.

IrishMist -> RE: I have a Lifestyle (1/14/2008 11:38:19 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Stephann Hi thedark, Obviously, it was the comments you and IrishMist posted that spurred this thread. My point isn't about making things easier for anyone. It's simply centered (or centred in your case ;) in that while you or others may choose to disassociate yourselves from a broader concept of community, doesn't necessarily mean that others do or must either. The assumption isn't that anyone is inherently 'in a lifestyle.' The question cherrypez posted, pointedly asked people who do associate with the lifestyle, how do they feel about a couple aspects. Neither of your responses touched on her question; why did you feel the need to be offended, by how others choose to identify themselves? Stephan Since you named me, I'll ask something. Why the fuck do you think I was offended by what she said in her post? I don't remember telling others that they were 'doing it wrong' by saying that they did see themselves living a lifestyle. I said and I quote WHAT LIFESTYLE? I DON'T LIVE A FUCKING LIFESTYLE I LIVE LIFE. Where in those statements did I state that I was offended by what she had said? Please mr manly man, point it out to me. I don't give a fuck how others choose to live their lives. I don't give a fuck if others choose to call themselves superman while doing it. I don't give a fuck if others choose to say that there are others who are supermen living this life also. I gave an honest answer; one which I will point out the OP of that thread obviously understood alot better than you did. A section was edited out ....I was asked very nicely if I would refrain from saying such things [:D]

Mercnbeth -> RE: I have a Lifestyle (1/14/2008 11:38:27 AM)
~ Fast Reply ~ The happiness shown by Stephan and charlotte, was palpable. I think I commented at least a half a dozen times to charlotte in particular how happy they looked. she wore a smile the entire evening, even while carrying a small toy bag whose size didn't properly represent its weight. It is great to share their company. We just wish they lived closer. I'd disagree with Stephan's premise of assigning "deviance" to a particular activity. Deviating implies a 'norm'; who gets to be the one who makes that decision? Better yet, who is qualified to make it for you? You can't point to laws, both those written out and those represented by the 'one true wayers'. I think there were at least a few dozen of either variety we witness 'broken' Saturday night. How many of the self styled "lifestyle experts" on these boards would even attend a function where alcoholic consumption was not only allowed, but alcoholic beverages were sold! Horrors! Many a poster's "one true way" wasn't being honored! Did it effect you? I don't even know your or charlotte's position on the issue, I guess I'm irresponsible in that regard. You didn't care, I didn't care. Nobody was forced to drink anymore than they were required to be involved with fire-play. Was that defining your "lifestyle" or your attitude regarding life? Morals? Again whose standards? Surly not those whose challenges all start with "what if...". "What if..." somebody drinking was playing with fire and burned down the club! "What if..." noting that there were alcoholic beverages being served you left the club, that didn't burn down, but were killed by a drunk driver on your way back home? That's irony I can sink my teeth into. You took personal responsibility for yourself and charlotte and made your decision ready, willing, and able to address the consequences. Again, was that a "lifestyle" decision or a life decision? Every day starts and ends with 'what if.." that requires you to respond except one - the day you die. That day others can play the "what if..." game while waiting for their day. Better, I think, to live true to yourself and leave as few as possible "what if...'s" of wishes, experiences, fantasies, and hopes as you can. I won't speak for Stephan or charlotte, but what is taking place isn't deviance. I think it's acceptance; acceptance of self. The result isn't comfort or representative of a 'lifestyle' its more basic - its life itself. It's when another's words are considered but aren't held as a higher standard and have no unqualified impact. It's acceptance of relationship standards as 'normal. Accepting, as Stephan said - the consequences of any outside, and mostly arbitrary established 'norm'. Besides, deviating from the 'norm' provides humanity, born without wings, the ability to fly. I don't see the relationship I have with beth as representative of any lifestyle. I view it as a life, a shared life. quote: In this case, we don't hide who we are as people, but neither must we flaunt our enthusiasm for darker pleasures Stephan, you both flaunt your happiness, deservedly so. If you ever have the opportunity to respond to why you are so happy, you may find sadistic pleasure detailing the answer. Prefacing it of course with the appropriate, "you may not want to know" disclaimer. Looking forward to seeing you again soon. Since it was 'fire' this time - Beach and I thought 'water' would be the theme next time. What do you think?

junecleaver -> RE: I have a Lifestyle (1/14/2008 12:01:06 PM)
What a coincidence. I do too. [;)] I will probably never spend more than five minutes contemplating whether or not I'm living a lifestyle or part of a community or if it would be cooler for me to word it some other way. If people want to feel superior because they are in a lifestyle or not in a lifestyle, I don't care. People will always find something to be abrasive towards---lifestyle or not. Nothing they say will change how I choose to define my life, lifestyle, or relationship. And I consider our relationship deviant as well.

Kalista07 -> RE: I have a Lifestyle (1/14/2008 12:11:37 PM)
Maybe it's just me............Maybe i'm not as smart as everyone else..........Or maybe i'm just completely clueless....However, i guess there are times when being "affiliate" with this 'lifestyle' gets to be pretty annoying to me... i mean seriously, in no other organization, sect, group, or whatever that i belong to are people so obsessed and worried about definitions and labels....Personally, i don't care if You call it having tea in China...If it works for You, if it's consensual, and if no one is getting harmed or damaged (in a bad way) then who cares??!! Seriously....Being a part of this "lifestyle" is something that has confused me for a long time......i mean, in order to be a part of it what exactly is required? What are the ground rules? Maybe i'm too analytical....i don't know...The only thing i do know is we have a beautiful and wonderful M/s relationship that works for us...Would it work for everyone? Doubt it....Do i care? No...It makes me happy...It makes me feel safe....And in the end, aren't those the only things that should matter? Stephann, i apologize if i'm being too stupid to get this here. Kali

Justme696 -> RE: I have a Lifestyle (1/14/2008 12:15:26 PM)
quote: i apologize if i'm being too stupid to get this here. Not at all, most people don't care how it is called as long they feel happy in it.

RoughFN -> RE: I have a Lifestyle (1/14/2008 1:33:26 PM)
For describing myself, I hate the term lifestyle. It does two things for me - 1) as others have said, it seems to implicitly imply to me acting things out, not being them. Like it's an active choice about some way to be. Like you can choose to be gay or something. I assume no choice is involved, it's just how I'm wired, so I avoid it. 2) The only other place I consistently here the word is when talking about "The Playboy lifestyle". So I get an image of Hef back in the '50s smoking a pipe wearing his pajamas admiring a fishtank while talking on a black rotary phone. Yeah, yeah, girls in bunny costumes cavorting about so it can't be all bad, but the image just seems so antiquated to me.

NakedOnMyChain -> RE: I have a Lifestyle (1/14/2008 1:39:17 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Stephann I didn't want to hijack this thread. I am me and I live how I live, regardless of who I am around. That said, I do things with my partners in private and amongst lifestylers that vanilla people would be shocked or appalled by. I grab her by the collar, I force her to her knees, I rest my hand on her head. I tell her to fetch things for me, I snap at her when she's mouthy, and I slap her when she is haughty or abrasive. These are things that she has tacitly agreed to, indeed she would likely not be with me if I didn't do most of these things. Thus, the way I live can be categorized under the heading 'BDSM Lifestyle.' The header at the top of the collarme.com page states "The Largest BDSM Community on the Planet." I fully understand that many people don't like to consider their activities or behaviors to be deviant.* Perhaps they aren't; I know my activities are deviant though. I know that many of the things that I enjoy aren't acceptable outside of the BDSM community. Thus, I accept that in mixed company, in front of my employer or hers, in front of my family or hers, that our actions must be adjusted (to no small degree) in order for us to maintain our jobs, acquaintances, and healthy family relationships. Does this mean we cease to be Master and slave? Hardly; it simply means we recognize that we have the right to do as we wish, but also accept the consequences for our actions. In this case, we don't hide who we are as people, but neither must we flaunt our enthusiasm for darker pleasures. Stephan (A BDSM Lifestyler) * de·vi·ant (dē'vē-ənt) Pronunciation Key adj. Differing from a norm or from the accepted standards of a society. I couldn't agree more. I use the terms "lifestyle" and "community" because, for me, they are the most convenient terms with the most useful definitions. If the terms do not appeal to certain other people, that is their right, and they are free to find other ways to express what it is that they do. However, I will continue to use them because I feel that they accurately describe part of what it is that I do.

charlotte12 -> RE: I have a Lifestyle (1/14/2008 1:45:05 PM)
quick hijack... quote: ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth Looking forward to seeing you again soon. Since it was 'fire' this time - Beach and I thought 'water' would be the theme next time. What do you think? If you mean the water in your hot tub then yay! If your mind is going other places then ......[sm=hewah.gif]

Prinsexx -> RE: I have a Lifestyle (1/14/2008 4:27:06 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Jeffff I don't like the term lifestyle........too much style and not enough life. Jeff I'm speechless....well almost.......well grab me by the hair and smack me across the face for laughing....fab......

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