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RE: Vanilla Marriage, D/s Needs - 1/15/2008 3:06:14 PM   
speednut


Posts: 23
Joined: 5/23/2004
Status: offline 		I have to agree with most everything posted here. I too am in a long term marriage to my best friend and a wonderful Mom that just has no interest in BDSM. Fortunately we are open-minded enough to discuss these desires and understanding enough to allow each other a different point of view. It is difficult to say the least but we all make choices based on our individual situation. D's isn't universal for everyone, for those who choose BDSM it is after all a matter of personal choice. Some marriages can tolerate the differing viewpoints others cannot. In any relationship you cannot begin with a false premise, otherwise all trust is lost.

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Vanilla Marriage, D/s Needs - 1/15/2008 3:48:16 PM   
agoodgirl4Daddy


Posts: 336
Joined: 10/25/2007
Status: offline 		First off, i do feel for you, VermillionRain.  i was a year into a relationship when i decided to come out as kinky...my relationship was with a female (but i had come out as queer a long time ago!). 

i remember being scared to tell my partner that i wanted to explore the BDSM community, but i did it!  She was, surprisingly enough, supportive, and we went to BDSM munches, demos, and play parties together.  I believe she did understand my need for SM in my life, though she never did find a niche as a kinky person herself. 

my partner watched as i was caned, spanked, clamped, chained, restrained, singletailed, waxed, role played, etc. at play parties and during private get togethers.  i occasionally orgasmed during play, and there were times that my partner would assist my orgasm during play!  our deal was that i didn't have sex with the Tops that i played with, and the Tops that i played with were happy enuf with that, as i would often do something else nice for them:  massage, make dinner, wait on them, bottom to them. 

my relationship did end, but my need for BDSM wasn't the sole reason our relationship folded.  now, i'm free to explore the inclusion of sex and SM, though i still often bottom without sexual release.  i'm one of those who doesn't HAVE to have sex to have a fulfilling power exchange.  of course, the ability to add more sexual components to my dance with pleasure and pain is delightful!!

bottom line:  i was able to explore my kinky side while in a vanilla relationship, and my partner actually did enjoy spending time with kinksters and letting me explore my darker side.  perhaps if you find a munch group or a group that has demos, you and your spouse can attend together.  he may have a really "scary" view of what BDSM is.  many of the people i've met in the community and at parties, meetings, and munches can very quicky dispel some of those frightening myths.  GOOD LUCK TO YOU!

_____________________________

~We do not see things as they are - we see them as we are.~ Anais Nin

(in reply to secretagentgirl)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Vanilla Marriage, D/s Needs - 1/15/2008 5:10:34 PM   
cainssub


Posts: 45
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline 		i can so relate to this.  i am also in a similar situation, difference being, my husband knows all about my desires and is trying to participate in them.  i've always been submissive just never was able to label my desire to serve..........i have an online/phone Dom who sometimes loans me out when He the distance between us becomes an issue. its been 7 months and has had its ups and downs but overall im satisfied, as in any relationship theres work involved......  Hubby knows all the details, (well most of them *winks* without going into too much detail)  but he allows me to go outside the marriage to pursue these *ahem* "interests"....yes it can work but they key to everything is HONESTY.  He knows what i like, why i like it and how it makes me feel, where i am and who i am with.  knowing all of that, he is able to understand why i choose to do what i do and is more open to the possibilities.........additionally;  though imho Dominance isnt something that can be taught, hubby is taking the leap and learning the lifestyle so he can participate more.......

(in reply to VermillionRain)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Vanilla Marriage, D/s Needs - 1/15/2008 6:26:36 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline
quote:

Are there many out there who are married, like me, and go outside the relationship to meet their needs for  - err - I guess you call it kink?


Yes there are a lot that do.

If you are in a 50's style marriage you are probably already doing the service side of a D/s relationship, even if he doesn't recognize it as such.  That was my situation.  It was later that we added the bedroom kink, after He found out about my affair with a dom.  Hubby is now my Dom. Hope things work out for you.

There are a lot of threads on this topic, but this is the most recent: Cheating, Lying Kinksters

< Message edited by proudsub -- 1/15/2008 6:46:56 PM >

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proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


(in reply to VermillionRain)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Vanilla Marriage, D/s Needs - 1/15/2008 11:06:02 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		I went outside my marriage to meet the SM needs I had as a Top. But, I did it with my husband's full knowledge and approval. We did, however, have an agreement about sex; no vagina/penis penetration...although, I eventually took the sex out of it all together.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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Ms Relationship Books
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BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to VermillionRain)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Vanilla Marriage, D/s Needs - 1/16/2008 12:17:32 PM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		I am pretty sure they wno't get concent based on the way the partner acted in disgust shock and horror simply to the revelation she was diffrent. How positive would someone who's disgusted by your very needs, be to stepping out side to do that. I think not very.

Course they could very well concent to stepping outside to get what was needed but I doubt it.
quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

How do you know he won't get consent?


(in reply to thetammyjo)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Vanilla Marriage, D/s Needs - 1/16/2008 12:22:59 PM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		because when the topic of cheating comes up all the anti cheaters come out to tell the cheating one, how wrong they are.

quote:

ORIGINAL: TallDarkAndWitty

Just curious, why did you (and the.dark) think you would get blasted?  Taggard


(in reply to TallDarkAndWitty)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Vanilla Marriage, D/s Needs - 1/16/2008 1:07:36 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: YourhandMyAss

because when the topic of cheating comes up all the anti cheaters come out to tell the cheating one, how wrong they are.

quote:

ORIGINAL: TallDarkAndWitty

Just curious, why did you (and the.dark) think you would get blasted?  Taggard




Bingo.  It's refreshing to see that not happening this time. 

(in reply to YourhandMyAss)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Vanilla Marriage, D/s Needs - 1/16/2008 1:34:56 PM   
littlebitxxx


Posts: 732
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: VermillionRain

I am in a normal, June & Bob Cleaver marriage.

Over the last three years I have explored/discovered/accepted my submissive nature. I have done my best to explain this side of my personality, my needs, my desires to my SO - am met with shock, disgust, horror.  He does not want to understand, does not want to hear about it anymore.

Of course, as in all relationshps, there are other issues, but they are workable and worked on. 

Are there many out there who are married, like me, and go outside the relationship to meet their needs for  - err - I guess you call it kink?

At the time, I am confining my play to on-line.  But the need is strong.

*sigh*


I have absolutely no advice or counsel for you, rain, but a lot of hugs.  I was there too, mine being the most straight vanilla homophobic racist discriminatory degrading asshat on earth.  When he found my collar from my pre-marriage experimenting stage, I was subjected to the most horrific blast of vile I'd ever heard.  Being the 20-something "in love" type, I went along with it.  Threw away the collar and denied myself and that part of my identity....for 20 years!  It's probably the only thing I regret from that marriage, well that and not leaving it earlier. 

There is no real right answer, methinks.  You sound as if you'd be pretty hooped no matter what you do.  Lose your man and gain a Dom?  Keep your man and lose yourself?  Only you can make up your mind as to who you need to be in order to be happy.  And it's gonna hurt no matter what you decide.  Hugs to ya.

_____________________________

There is no such thing as can't unless it is followed by yet

It is the meaningless little acts that become meaningful in the doing.

The people that mind don't matter and the people that matter don't mind.

(in reply to VermillionRain)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Vanilla Marriage, D/s Needs - 1/16/2008 4:24:29 PM   
LPslittleclip


Posts: 1163
Joined: 9/29/2007
Status: offline 		im a submissive male and married to a vanilla wife who in my case was a little put off at first but has allowed me to play and be collared by M'Lady her only request was no sex. she came down for x-mas with our kids and met M'Lady and her family and had a wonderful dinner together. her limits now are no vaginal sex. you may not be as lucky as me but if you want to have a true relationship make sure your partner knows what it is you want and talk with him about it. he doesn't need to be a participant just understanding enough to help you meet your desires.
i wish you lots of luck in you journey
proudly collared by LadyPact
LPs_littleclip

(in reply to littlebitxxx)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Vanilla Marriage, D/s Needs - 1/16/2008 5:59:25 PM   
NaiveTempest


Posts: 345
Joined: 11/20/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline 		I was in a marriage that turned out bad for practically the same reason. Only I did not realize at the time what my yearnings for a "strong man" were. I use to try to "egg him on" to become more aggressive, decisive, demanding, all kinds of things. Let me sum it up this way - I wanted a hard fuck, he wanted sweet, soft slow, lovemaking. There was more to it (and yeah I ended up cheating) but I'll leave it at that. I ( yes, I) decided to call it quits. The divorce was very bitter and we did not talk for a while. Then one day he called me up out of the blue and we slowly started talking to each other. He calls me every now and again to chat. 
The point is that our relationship was better off as a friendship; we just were not meeting each others needs. It is hard as hell to make that call, to decide to let go, but maybe it might turn out to be the best for both of you. Remember to think of what he deserves from a spouse, but think of what you deserve as well. Can you be both his spouse and yourself? Can you fulfill each others needs? Not wants, but needs. Don't hurry your decision, but don't drag your feet either. Figure out your options and make a choice. No matter what it will be hard, but hopefully one day you will look back and realize it was worth it.
Hope this helps and wasn't too disjointed.

< Message edited by NaiveTempest -- 1/16/2008 6:01:14 PM >

_____________________________

"All the things I should have said that I never said/All the things we should have done that we never did/All the things I should have given, but I didn't.../Give me these moments back..."

Kate Bush, "This Woman's Work"

(in reply to VermillionRain)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Vanilla Marriage, D/s Needs - 1/16/2008 6:07:00 PM   
MistressFaye1


Posts: 276
Joined: 10/7/2007
Status: offline 		No advice here different from what the others have said.  *Hugs*  This is the very reason I'm single.  Hang in there.

_____________________________

You can put away your masquerade
You won't ever have to be afraid of Me
Open up your eyes and see what is in store
I must the One that you are searching for.

(in reply to NaiveTempest)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Vanilla Marriage, D/s Needs - 1/16/2008 9:07:13 PM   
MsPleasure


Posts: 215
Joined: 1/1/2007
Status: offline 		Yes, I would say a large number of men on here are married or attached.  Some have permission to play on the side, but of course others are tipping.

(in reply to VermillionRain)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Vanilla Marriage, D/s Needs - 1/16/2008 11:26:07 PM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		To the OP:
 
To thine own self be true ...
 
I think that comes ahead of being true to others, though I do believe strongly in that also. If you can't be true to yourself AND be this man's wife ... then you have your answer really. And I liked the poster who said you've been busting your ass for 10 years to be the partner HE wants (or is it what YOU THINK he wants??) ... isn't it his turn to accommodate you?

In My opinion, IF he knows you have these needs, feels unable/unwilling to meet them but doesn't want to lose your presence in his life (he needs to know that's a real and present danger), THEN he would be wise to loosen up a bit, find out all he can about what you might get into, and open discussions to reach a negotiated position that is agreeable to both sides. For example, he might agree to your finding a Dom, he could set parameters for the amount of time you spend with Him, what sexual interaction is permissible, the degree of control the Dom has over your life etc. There is still a risk that when you find a Dom willing to go along with that (maybe One who is in a similar situation to yourself?), that the D/s couple will finally get sick of compromise and ditch their respective vanillas ... but I have also known some D/s/vanilla couple pairs quite satisfied with this part time arrangement.

The other option is to educate him and hope this strikes some Domly chord in him ... don't hold your breath on that one. While it has happened, if he hasn't got it lurking somewhere inside him, it may not work. Maybe he will make an effort for you ... but if it continues to be an effort for him to do, it won't be satisfying to either of you. My ex-hub decided to try being My sub rather than lose Me (so fearful was he of facing life alone, it seems) ... it didn't work even though he was a cross-dresser (stereotyped in bdsm worlds as being subby ... he was definitely not!) ... and ultimately he lost Me anyway ... just cost Me (well, both of us really, and Master too when He joined us) about 4 years of stress.  I've thought over that night when he first asked ... begged Me to take him on (the vanilla marriage was essentially over at that stage) ... when W/we talked for hours and I laid out My expectations, including other subs and a potential Master for my sub side in the future ... it was all on the line when he agreed ... I thought I had it covered ... but the truth is, that no one can truly agree to what they have not yet sufficient experience to judge accurately. I should have listened to the misgivings inside when I said yes, but I was blinded by My ever-present concern about admitting defeat too soon ... I really thought this was his last chance to make some of the personal changes he'd long been saying he wanted to make (being less selfish etc). Well it was his last chance really ... and he blew it. So ... in your case, unless you can be totally convinced that your hubby has "found himself" when he learns more of this lifestyle ... it might be kinder to sever ties and let him find someone who satisfies his needs and you do likewise with bdsm.

I know it's a hard place to be in and I wish you all the best.

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to MsPleasure)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Vanilla Marriage, D/s Needs - 1/21/2008 2:15:58 PM   
Bamslilgirl


Posts: 142
Joined: 12/18/2007
Status: offline 		Your situation sounds a lot like mine. I'm not married, but have been with the same man for almost 8 years. We have a child together, & a good relationship, but he isn't so into the lifestyle. I recently told him that I have these submissive feelings, & also told him of my want/need for pain. He agreed to give it a try, & he has......but most often it still isn't enough. He's one of these guys (thank God) who don't hit women, or harm them in any way. I am very thankful for this, but at the same time, I crave the pain of a whip or a crop. I want my hair pulled, which he has actually become very good at. *winks        I don't get the spankings that I crave very often, & when I do, there are never any marks left that I can see the next day, which I don't like. I want to be able to see the results when I look at my body the following day. But, we will keep working on it, & hopefully we will be able to find a balance that is confortable for both of us. Maybe you could try that.

(in reply to MaamJay)
Profile   Post #: 35
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