so this girl wants me to

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freebird -> so this girl wants me to (8/28/2005 6:36:33 AM)
hey people, this is my first post and i guess my first full on experience in a dom role, i've met a girl, she tells me she likes pain , i'm all excited etc, we start to play together, now we are getting into it on a regular basis, she hits me with- you're not nearly rough enough, i want you to beat me ???, i was raised not to hit women, but she tells me how much she wants me to do it i'm confused, i don't wanna come across as a pussy, any advice out there ??

JohnWarren -> RE: so this girl wants me to (8/28/2005 6:41:12 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: freebird hey people, this is my first post and i guess my first full on experience in a dom role, i've met a girl, she tells me she likes pain , i'm all excited etc, we start to play together, now we are getting into it on a regular basis, she hits me with- you're not nearly rough enough, i want you to beat me ???, i was raised not to hit women, but she tells me how much she wants me to do it i'm confused, i don't wanna come across as a pussy, any advice out there ?? First, get some books. Three standard tomes are SM101, Screw the Roses Send me the Thorns and my own The Loving Dominant. These will give you an idea of how you can "hurt" without doing unacceptable "harm." Also, you may have heard of "safe words" (clear, unequivocal signals something is wrong) but here are also "go words." For example, you can negotiate that after each stroke she has to say "more" before you hit her again. This will reassure you that she's enjoying things all through the scene.

Evilsgirl -> RE: so this girl wants me to (8/28/2005 7:36:50 AM)
Ummmmmmmm...amount of disapline and level which inflicted is difficult...i dont know if you will ever be able to fully give her the roughness that she needs.Sometimes what your raised with will over power desire to "please". Good luck.....Evilsgirl

CitizenCane -> RE: so this girl wants me to (8/28/2005 9:36:25 AM)
It's possible she's just trying to manipulate you, gain a sense of control by challenging your manhood- which seems, from your reluctance to seem like a pussy, to be working. Set your own boundaries- if they really are that different than hers, you might not really want to be with her. She might also be replaying some abuse issues- if this is the realm she's in, part of her wants abuse, part of her wants it from someone 'safe', which you give some indications of being. This may or may not be the kind of therapy situation you want to get into. I'd certainly find out more about where she's coming from before beating the crap out of her. Cane

Fawne -> RE: so this girl wants me to (8/28/2005 10:06:31 AM)
quote: I'd certainly find out more about where she's coming from before beating the crap out of her. Freebird: this sounds like good advice. (freebird doesn't want to be a jailbird, does he?) Seriously, if something doesn't feel right about this person and/or her requests please stand back and think (or ask.. as you are) if this is someone you want to be involved with. Some people joke around and some don't.... take care!

RosaB -> RE: so this girl wants me to (8/28/2005 10:31:48 AM)
quote: First, get some books. Three standard tomes are SM101, Screw the Roses Send me the Thorns and my own The Loving Dominant. These will give you an idea of how you can "hurt" without doing unacceptable "harm." Also, you may have heard of "safe words" (clear, unequivocal signals something is wrong) but here are also "go words." For example, you can negotiate that after each stroke she has to say "more" before you hit her again. This will reassure you that she's enjoying things all through the scene. Excellent advice. You should know that most started out not being sure of how hard or how soft to play. I know of someone that becuase of his former temper problems he wasn't able to feel comfortable hitting a woman for any reason. But because of a very experienced and caring submissive partner who was patient and taught him the difference between abuse and being a loving sadist, he is one very sought out dom, for play and guidance. Your words speak volumes, you care about how what you do affects the other person, you will do well, just allow yourself to learn and progress at your own pace. Do follow the advice given to you by JohnWarren, learn as much as you can. Good Luck. Rosa

DrkAngl -> RE: so this girl wants me to (8/28/2005 11:12:52 AM)
All this is great advice. I'd definately find out what's on her mind. Communication here is very important. Set your own limits, talk to her about hers, ask her why she wants to be beaten. If she challenges you on it, tell her you can't play until you feel comfortable that you know everything you need to know. I've learned if my instincts tell me somethings wrong, then there IS something wrong. Go with your insticts, they normally lead you in the right direction. It could be she was from an abusive family. Some that are will turn to BDSM.

sweetpettjenny -> RE: so this girl wants me to (8/28/2005 2:59:57 PM)
You and she could simply just need different things from a D/s relationship. Communication is key

ElektraUkM -> RE: so this girl wants me to (8/28/2005 3:33:37 PM)
"I was raised not to hit a woman" Well I suppose at base of everything, you have to decide whether you believe that those values or rules are right for you all of the time and in all situations? The main issue to me here is... what do YOU want? You're here in this sub/dom dynamic, or want to be.. you're the dom... what do YOU want? Personally, I think you will find a lot to interest and stimulate you on these boards. You're just finding out your desires (? big assumption here!), and what you think it's 'ok' for someone else you're interacting with to 'need' from you... it's a learning and exploring time, and you'll get to know a lot about what other people find ok and acceptable in their relationships, which might help you to see that what you desire is OK, and what she desires is OK (or NOT.... so much to assess!!!). Welcome to the boards! ~ Elektra

FangsNfeet -> RE: so this girl wants me to (8/28/2005 6:09:29 PM)
You're the DOM in this relationship are you not? If she wants more then she has to earn it. After all, do you want to be the Dom or just a submissive sadist in a Top form Bottom relationship? Other than that, a pain slut having someone new in this life style should know to be patient in allowing you to build up to such brutality. So shake her up and say "Shut the fuck up! I'll get around to it when I'm damn ready and feel that you deserve it. The more you demand, the less you are going to get." If she continues to bitch, well you can A: tie up and gag to leave all alone in the other room while you watch Rugby and drink a Fosters, or B: kick her out and lock the door leaving her in what clothes or lack of clothes she is in. As for what you where raised with, I to was raised with the same value of never hitting a woman. However, the whole concept of hitting a woman was apart of taking anger out on her. Remember that she is seeking pain as if it were a massage and passionate kisses. All your blows will be out of affection and understanding instead of your anger built up by stress from other factors. You are getting great adivce here. I hope you will continue to participate in the message boards and grow in the life style. No matter you decission of being a Sub, Switch, Dom, Sadist, or Masochist, I'm sure you'll do fine and be happy. Best of luck.

dominmd -> RE: so this girl wants me to (8/28/2005 7:33:48 PM)
I was raised the same way as well. But I can give a girl a spanking or a flogging when we are both up for it. It is really a matter of context. If you are beating the hell out of her because you are angry that is one thing. But if you are giving her what she wants without doing her bodily harm, that is ok. As long as you are ok with it. Both of you should sit down and talk this out. Let her know how you feel. Be honest. You obviously don't want to hurt her and believe me that is a good thing. You just have to have her help you find that mindset where you can give her what she needs to feel fullfilled.

Focus50 -> RE: so this girl wants me to (8/29/2005 4:21:33 AM)
Trying on the Dom's "hat" doesn't make you a Dom - you either are or you aren't! You're describing a topping scenario.... I'm a Dom and I was also raised to look after the women in my life. But I'm also intelligent enough to know that inflicting a mutually enjoyable spanking or flogging etc on my girl has nothing to do with abuse so there is never a conflict of interest. Her need happens to compliment my own - simple.... It's not the first time I've had a new sub feel my first flogging was a little light for her taste. My response is that I always start in the "shallow end" and work my way into deeper waters at my own pace. I make no apologies for being cautious and safety's got nothing to do with being an alleged "pussy"! I'd rather find out for myself how her body reacts to assorted sensations, including the day after, and calling an ambulance is hardly the ideal finish to a scene! I do things my way; I'm the one who decides how far or how much each scene! Being comfortable in your own skin is an excellent trait, especially for a Dom/me. If you can't get past the blanket vanilla programming of your childhood, you're gonna be one confused Top; never mind aspiring Dom! Focus50.

plantlady64 -> RE: so this girl wants me to (8/29/2005 9:27:43 AM)
Hello There, From what you've said I think you're more geared to being a sensual Dom & she's more of a masochist. If you're not comfortable with the level of discomfort she requires maybe you guys are not matched enough to persue the relationship furthur. If you're just not use to the idea and you do really like her, just whack her harder. The difference from being raised to not hit a woman that applies in the BDSM world is as long as it's safe sane and consensual go for it if you're into it & leave it alone if not. I still believe a Man should not hit a woman in anger. To me that's the differences that make it OK for my Master to spank me hard enough to leave bruises and it's OK for us. Sincerely, sub suzanne

fastlane -> RE: so this girl wants me to (8/29/2005 10:57:45 AM)
As many have said, communication is the key between you two. Also, if she wants to be beaten more severely than what you are comfortable with, try different wupass sticks. You may not have to hit as hard, but the pain will be more intense by using a cane or single tale vs your hand or a paddle, for example. Good luck!

Mylee -> RE: so this girl wants me to (8/29/2005 7:11:31 PM)
I have to agree with some of the others, seems to me that she isn't as concerned with serving your wants, needs or desires, but possibly could be worrying to much about her wants, needs, and so on... You are the Dom, you are the one in controll of how much pain she receives or how intense it is, you could allow her to politely ASK you for something, but it is up to YOU to decide if that is YOUR wish to grant it... I would be carefull since your just starting out, get the books mentioned then start practicing your tecique with pillows or bedding... I would also be carefull that since your kinda Dom in training (if there is such a thing) that you choose your sub carefully, look for one who wants to serve you and not the other way around... Best wishes, my'lee

Dolf -> RE: so this girl wants me to (8/29/2005 11:52:26 PM)
I think you need to do two things and do them seperately. First, do a self-evaluation. What is it that you need, want, desire and feel will get you there? Second, are you willing to and are you comfortable with providing someone with the pain they need if it goes beyond what your consider YOUR "fun" zone? You should not be playing in a way that makes you extremely uncomfortable. The distractions that may be there because your head is not in it could cause a lapse in attentiveness or judgement. The more extreme the play the more important this becomes. I, for one, can go beyond my "fun" zone to some extent because I love to see a masochist get off on it. I am a sadist, but I am not as extreme as some may like. I have a range I can deal with. I still have to be comfortable there. Answer these questions honestly and I am sure you are bright enough to know which way to go. Dolf

BlkTallFullfig -> RE: so this girl wants me to (8/30/2005 1:33:00 AM)
quote: Freebird: this sounds like good advice. (freebird doesn't want to be a jailbird, does he?) Seriously, if something doesn't feel right about this person and/or her requests please stand back and think (or ask.. as you are) if this is someone you want to be involved with. I agree; I would want to get to know someone real well before agreeing to bruise him, because charges of assault aren't unheard of. On the other hand, as has been suggested, if you're not a sadist, and causing excessive pain makes you uncomfortable (it does me, and I've found self incompatible with people on that basis alone), than you may need to consider that she isn't the right match for you. Good luck, and welcome to the boards. M

RexLongBeach -> RE: so this girl wants me to (8/31/2005 9:42:41 AM)
There is some good advice already - some reading, some self-evaluation in the context of greater knowledge will help throughout your D/s and SM adventures. A couple of other items for your consideration. First, you are not alone. Many of us are more into exchanging power than exchanging pain. I know I faced the same issue you are when I started out: heavy masochists not respecting me because I wasn't willing/able to give them the pain they wanted. I got over it, eventually. Second, the little voice inside your head saying it may not be ok to whack the living daylights out of this girl may be more than the voice of your parents... it may be the voice of domestic violence laws that put you at risk in many locales even if the beating is consensual. Moreover, you don't have to look to hard in the fora (here and on other sites) to find stories of women who "thought they were going to get a safe, sane, consensual beating" and then felt they needed to report what took place because the beating went farther than they expected, or because a "real" beating wasn't quite like they imagined it would be as they masturbated. The recommendation: play at public parties with qualified dungeon masters and other experienced players. The safety works both ways - for her, and for you. Always on the edge, Rex

Angrylibrarian -> RE: so this girl wants me to (8/31/2005 10:57:59 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ElektraUkM The main issue to me here is... what do YOU want? You're here in this sub/dom dynamic, or want to be.. you're the dom... what do YOU want? Amen to that.

Synocense -> RE: so this girl wants me to (8/31/2005 11:57:11 AM)
quote: I'm a Dom and I was also raised to look after the women in my life. But I'm also intelligent enough to know that inflicting a mutually enjoyable spanking or flogging etc on my girl has nothing to do with abuse so there is never a conflict of interest. Her need happens to compliment my own - simple.... Bingo. :) Syn

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