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RE: Questions about your D/s scene identity - 8/28/2005 11:17:11 PM

BlkTallFullfig

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quote:

HOw do submissives? I've seen far more subs with control issues than doms.

I thought it was just me! Thanks for mentioning that; my first boy could not let go of anything; for example, he HAD to do all the driving (he said being Ms' chauffer was something he really enjoyed), which I wouldn't have minded if he didn't become a raging lunatic anytime someone does the slightest wrong thing on the road... He was extremely anal, and not in the way I enjoyed.

M

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RE: Questions about your D/s scene identity - 8/28/2005 11:28:50 PM

BlkTallFullfig

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bad idea in retrospect.

< Message edited by BlkTallFullfig -- 8/29/2005 11:39:12 PM >

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RE: Questions about your D/s scene identity - 8/29/2005 8:18:20 PM

pollux

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Purr, I really liked your post, but I want to pull on one part of it a little bit.

quote:

I do see a lot of people out in the BDSM world that are using personas or the D/s labels because they don't want to face what's really inside. Some don't want to admit that they are terrified of other people, others don't want to admit that theyare desperately lonely and need other people. They use the D and s labels to manipulate others into believing that they are something that they cannot show through their own actions. Some even think that it's a free ticket to be shitty to other people.

I'm with you up thru there.

quote:

this is true of the vanilla world, too. It's not exclusive to this site, or BDSM at all.

I wanna say, "yeah, but..." to this part.

Maybe I'm missing something, but it seems to me it's more consequential in the BDSM world because of these labels we stick on ourselves, and the risks that go along with identifying with those labels. If I say "I'm a Tampa Bay Buccaneers fan", the consequences of that aren't such a big deal. But if I say, "I'm a dominant/sadist" or "I'm a submissive/masochist".... well, then I've got a lot more to be responsible for, so maybe I better pay closer attention to what's really behind it.

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RE: Questions about your D/s scene identity - 8/29/2005 8:30:44 PM

pollux

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika

And as LadyShoshin said, it is important not to play angry. We need to see this aspect of our sexuality as a positive experience where we can channel our power and control, not let it get all out of control.

- LA

You know, it's funny that you, LadyShoshin, and MsPurrmeow all mentioned anger. I didn't mention it in the OP, but that was definitely one thing that really made me feel this situation was not going anywhere.

quote:

I don't treat those who submit to me as property or a means to an end. They are usually people I am quite fond of, who I am friends with and who sometimes I love. I treat them with the respect and dignity that I would any of my friends. With this, I have learned that when their need is to feel my power and my need is to exert it, that it can be a very wonderfully mutually fulfilling thing.

I liked this part of your first post a lot. I think those sentiments are very important for newbies (especially) to hear. For one thing, it helps with the inner conflict a lot of subs might feel, and secondly, it shows them what a positive relationship in D/s might be based on, and what it might look like.

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RE: Questions about your D/s scene identity - 8/29/2005 8:33:24 PM

pollux

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quote:

ORIGINAL: harmony3709

I know this may sound glib, but for me it was truly a matter of just feeling right or feeling wrong. I had one relationship that after less than three months, although there was no fighting, no obvious signs (at least to me) that it was more of a matter of being involved with a control freak who was just plain lazy instead of a dominant, I found myself going through the motions of serving and asking myself, why am I doing this? The relationship ended shortly after that.

From the time I met my Master, I have never ONCE asked myself, why am I doing this........and the only question I now ask is, what more can I do to serve him or how better can I serve him?

So specifically regarding the question addressed to submissives, listen to your instincts and if you find yourself making excuses for yourself or for your Dom/me regarding behavior that feels detructive or harmful to you, or questioning it, it is likely there is a reason for that. As much as it takes strength to submit, it sometimes takes even more strength to stop.

Blessed be,
harmony

You can sound glib all you want -- I think there's a lot of wisdom in that.

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RE: Questions about your D/s scene identity - 8/29/2005 8:41:59 PM

pollux

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quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

mmmmm you of course assuming the person isn't nuts in the first place.

I didn't think this lady was a complete psychopath, but she right off the bat she displayed these traits that just wouldn't be acceptable in the vanilla world. People don't put up with that. But I'll bet she found some people in the online D/s world who would. And I just wondered, you know, if this woman tried to get at the reasons why she was so angry and needed all this validation, maybe she'd be a better (kinder, gentler?) Domme, or maybe she would leave the scene entirely because she'd find she could relate to vanilla people, and wouldn't feel this need to "dominate" people around her.

Thanks for the rest of your post, too -- lots of good ideas there.

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RE: Questions about your D/s scene identity - 8/29/2005 8:44:59 PM

pollux

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quote:

ORIGINAL: brightspot

I hope I made so kind of sense here?

*Brightspot

You did

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RE: Questions about your D/s scene identity - 8/29/2005 11:43:46 PM

lonewolf05

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quote:

quote:

HOw do submissives? I've seen far more subs with control issues than doms. I thought it was just me! Thanks for mentioning that; my first boy could not let go of anything; for example, he HAD to do all the driving (he said being Ms' chauffer was something he really enjoyed), which I wouldn't have minded if he didn't become a raging lunatic anytime someone does the slightest wrong thing on the road... He was extremely anal, and not in the way I enjoyed. M

=============================

talking about me again? lol chuckling... "I" am a type "A" behavior o.c.d. anal butthead....i have NO idea HOW to unwind........i have yet to learn how to spell r e l a x properly. and i roller coaster all day with my emotions...never completely even keel for more 'n 7 min at any given time.

wolf

< Message edited by lonewolf05 -- 8/29/2005 11:45:21 PM >

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RE: Questions about your D/s scene identity - 8/29/2005 11:46:23 PM

BlkTallFullfig

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quote:

talking about me again? lol chuckling... "I" am a type "A" behavior o.c.d. anal butthead....i have NO idea HOW to unwind........i have yet to learn how to spell r e l a x properly.
wolf

Tell your Ms this and she might be able to help you remedy it a little bit with behavior modification techniques...
Or they have pills for it.

M

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RE: Questions about your D/s scene identity - 8/30/2005 12:15:03 AM

MsPurrmeow

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quote:

ORIGINAL: polluxMaybe I'm missing something, but it seems to me it's more consequential in the BDSM world because of these labels we stick on ourselves, and the risks that go along with identifying with those labels. If I say "I'm a Tampa Bay Buccaneers fan", the consequences of that aren't such a big deal. But if I say, "I'm a dominant/sadist" or "I'm a submissive/masochist".... well, then I've got a lot more to be responsible for, so maybe I better pay closer attention to what's really behind it.

This is very true, and I think you got what I was explaining rather well. It IS much more consequential if we fall for others defensive labels. There are always consequences to consider in relationships where people get physical, and often harshly physical rather quickly.

Then again, the point I was trying for is that we need to know each other well enough to get past the labelling. Sometimes we can do it in conversations, other times we need to be with a person a few times. As with your original post, there are some things that give it away right off the bat. It's good to keep them in mind.

Thanks for the topic, pollux.

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RE: Questions about your D/s scene identity - 8/30/2005 6:16:49 AM

ProtagonistLily

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quote:

mmmmm you of course assuming the person isn't nuts in the first place.

Indeed. Sir and I were talking about this just the other day. One of the things I think can happen is that folks who are struggling with themselves sometimes (i am NOT implying that a majority of folks in kink fall into this catagory) try to self medicate in BDSM, ignoring what ever the real problem is, and decide they are a certain role, and that this is what's wrong with them. These people can be a real pain in the ass in the scene.

But the nutters in the scene are relatively harmless and easy to ferret out. They tend to be the incessant complainers, the ones who bemoan the fact that they don't seem to be able to attract a partner, or don't really fit in for what ever reason. These are not evil or bad people, they are just misguided.

For the OP, if you think you are talking to someone who's a nutter, then by all means, stop talking to them. One of the things I always found difficult about looking for a partner on-line was references. How do you really check them? How do you prove you are who you say you are? I know enough people throughout the country in Kink that basically I can track someone who says they are a member of any given group, know Midori or someone of that ilk, claims to have served LadyA, etc. To me, that's valuable. I tended to shy away from the "I only play privately" people. My question was always, "Well, you say you are adept with the single tail, if you have never been in the company of other BDSM'ers, where did you learn?" It's one thing to practice on a pillow, it's an entirely differant story to practice on my ass.

If you are uncomfortable with someone in chat, stop chatting. There are more than enough real folks around here (though you may have to look a little harder to find them) that you'll eventually find the people who are sane, safe and consensual and not the uber weirdos that tend to congregate on-line.

Lily

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RE: Questions about your D/s scene identity - 8/30/2005 7:53:02 AM

lonewolf05

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RE: Questions about your D/s scene identity - 8/30/2005 1:46:23 AM

BlkTallFullfig
Evil

wolf Tell your Ms this and she might be able to help you remedy it a little bit with behavior modification techniques...
Or they have pills for it. M
=======================
i have meds but it helps only to a point. no meds are a cure all. it is just my personality. i am a natural type A behavior.
wolf

p/s She knows all about it, obviously, since i am 24/7. but it isn't in Her power anymore than it is anyone else's. it is just something i have to live with...and now so does She.

< Message edited by lonewolf05 -- 8/30/2005 7:54:36 AM >

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