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question for the experienced - 1/16/2008 6:24:38 AM   
heartsemerge


Posts: 29
Joined: 10/13/2007
Status: offline 		Do you often find (or have you ever) a subbie who is uncomfortable with her submission? For example she feels that being submissive means she is a doormat, and feels guilty about *giving in*.
What have you done, or do you do to help this subbie? Can a Dom(me) help a submissive come to terms and not feel so guilty? Or is it just the submissive job to feel comfortable in their own skin.. or perhaps a team effort?

Any pointers? Task? Exercises?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: question for the experienced - 1/16/2008 6:29:54 AM   
MamaDomme1


Posts: 377
Joined: 1/12/2008
Status: offline 		I believe it should certainly be a team effort in whatever way possible if it is to be a well-balanced relationship.

I have had submissives that really were worried about becoming a doormat-- and it was up to me to coach them to see the lovely gift they were giving.  There is so much potential for abuse in the world today that I strive to make sure we (both parties) are receiving what they need and desire from the relationship.  It should never be one-sided. 

Yes, as a Domme, my happiness and comfort is very important-- but, on the same hand, if the sumbissive isn't doing it from the heart, what good is it?  I want things to be a 2-way street and all persons involved satisfied.

(in reply to heartsemerge)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: question for the experienced - 1/16/2008 7:18:27 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		Society tells us what we do is wrong on so many levels that for many it takes time to throw out those judgemental voices.  Being a doormat means doing what you, at your core, don't want to do.  That is a vastly different thing that doing what society feels you should do but you find fulfilling.

I know it took me a long time to get over various guilts and having a partner who is supportive helps greatly.  It is only after meeting BSB that my inner sadist has truly felt free to expose himself.

(in reply to MamaDomme1)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: question for the experienced - 1/16/2008 7:35:59 AM   
Justme696


Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline 		A few years ago I had a kajira. She was treated bad ina previous relation. I helped her to get back on track..and at a certain moment she felt stronger then ever and left the lifestyle a little. I let her be, because i loved her. We continued beeing together, because it wasn't the slave I liked, but the person. Long talks, about the worries you have too, I could convince her I love her as she is..and not because she is my object of use. She is a sub now.... and still special to some one.
I think we all have thoughts about who we are soemtimes. Talk about it...and perhaps you might discover you are not a slave/sub...but talk..and it will be solved.

regards
D.

ps. I have deepest respects to girls who submie, because they give so much of their life in to hands of others. I find that very strong, not weak

< Message edited by Justme696 -- 1/16/2008 7:37:45 AM >

_____________________________

~Been there, done that, got the t-shirt

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
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RE: question for the experienced - 1/16/2008 8:05:27 AM   
OscarHargraves


Posts: 693
Joined: 8/9/2005
Status: offline 		The first requirement of any relationship (in my humble opinion) is communication.  I want to know the person I'm with and by that I mean that I want to know she is comfortable with who she is and what we do.  If that isn't the case then first we need to TALK.  If she isn't comfortable with her position then we discuss it and see what the problem is.  Is it something personal or is it a guilt from her up-bringing?  Is it peer pressure?  Is it something I/we are doing?
 
Tasks?  Yes, I think the task should be to have her sit down and write letters to you explaining why she's having difficulties and what she's feeling. This should be done away from the Dom(me) and with a calm, clear head.  It should be repeated after each session where something new is done until all the sexual aspects are covered.  It should also cover any mundane, day-to-day issues that might come up.  Then, when the Dom chooses, they should sit down and discuss the letters and their contents.
 
I personally don't want to break a woman to my will.  I would much rather that she bent to it of her own choosing.  To do that she has to gain the comfort of knowing me as a friend, a teacher, a mentor and a lover before she knows me as a Dom and a disciplinarian.

< Message edited by OscarHargraves -- 1/16/2008 8:07:43 AM >

_____________________________

Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly ! !

(in reply to heartsemerge)
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RE: question for the experienced - 1/16/2008 8:28:26 AM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline 		All relationships are a "team effort" If its not RUN do not walk away from that.....

_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Mike posts in black font
candy posts in pink font

(in reply to OscarHargraves)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: question for the experienced - 1/16/2008 9:08:04 AM   
TallDarkAndWitty


Posts: 1893
Joined: 6/12/2004
From: Rochester, NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: heartsemerge

What have you done, or do you do to help this subbie? Can a Dom(me) help a submissive come to terms and not feel so guilty? Or is it just the submissive job to feel comfortable in their own skin.. or perhaps a team effort?



There is a tremendous amount of social pressure placed on submissives of both genders to "be strong" and to "not be a doormat".  This social pressure is often internalized and leads to the guilt you spoke of in your OP.  One of the best ways to combat this is to change the social climate.

Taking a slave to a place where s/he can meet other strong, intelligent, and well-adjusted slaves can do wonders to change the way a slave looks at her own submission.  She can see that submissive doesn't mean stupid or weak or un-healthy.

Reading the available literature on the topic can also help, but nothing is as effective as getting a slave a good role model.

Taggard


_____________________________

A most rewarding compliment is an insult from the ill-informed.


My slave: Kat (RainaVerene on the other side) and her website: RainaVerene.com

(in reply to heartsemerge)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: question for the experienced - 1/16/2008 9:25:34 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		Ditto what breatheasone said. In reply to one of the other answers I dont believe submission is a gift. A gift like that is a bribe.  

(in reply to TallDarkAndWitty)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: question for the experienced - 1/16/2008 9:36:12 AM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		My HoneyMaster knows someone like that very well...
I'll be interested in reading all of the responses.

~Christina

(in reply to Dnomyar)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: question for the experienced - 1/16/2008 10:48:27 AM   
Justme696


Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline 		I wonder why the OP doesn't reply anymore 

_____________________________

~Been there, done that, got the t-shirt

(in reply to xxblushesxx)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: question for the experienced - 1/16/2008 7:15:46 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: heartsemerge

Do you often find (or have you ever) a subbie who is uncomfortable with her submission? For example she feels that being submissive means she is a doormat, and feels guilty about *giving in*.
What have you done, or do you do to help this subbie? Can a Dom(me) help a submissive come to terms and not feel so guilty? Or is it just the submissive job to feel comfortable in their own skin.. or perhaps a team effort?

Any pointers? Task? Exercises?



It's not uncommon for people of any ilk to be uncomfortable with themselves in some way. People who care for them can create nurturing atmospheres and bare witness to their struggle, but deep down, there's little they can do to change the other person. The best person to work on this is the person themselves.

The danger in our relationships is that we sometimes expect the Masters to do all this FOR the slave. This is truly an unfair expectation. No one, ultimately, can change anyone but themselves. Start looking at your emotions about what's going on. WHY do you feel guilty? Are there specific things that make you feel guilty? Etc. etc., then work on the core issues. Usually, it's about fear...of rejection, of judgment, of loosing yourself, etc.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to heartsemerge)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: question for the experienced - 1/16/2008 7:21:18 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		His response when I have trouble is simply to slow down and not push it. There's always something else he can ask of me that doesn't push those hot buttons. He gives me some months to think it over and then tries it again. Frequently I'm the one to bring it up for discussion after I've had the time I needed to think about it.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: question for the experienced - 1/17/2008 6:35:14 AM   
heartsemerge


Posts: 29
Joined: 10/13/2007
Status: offline 		i haven't been replying because I haven't been home.

I would have to agree with TalldarkandWitty. I have tried to tell an old Master of mine thatif he brought me to events, I wouldn't act up and it would only help me. He doesn't believe me, therefore I am stuck battling with my own emotions alone, and not having a friend or a community to lean on, in a way.

I think it's very hard for submissive of any gender to juggle a functional life outside of BDSM and still come home and be a subbie. Sometimes it's difficult to almost shake off that *society friendly* mask, you often have to wear.


(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: question for the experienced - 1/17/2008 7:35:49 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		  If your over emotional then it is hard. Switch your rose colored glasses for a regular pair.  

(in reply to heartsemerge)
Profile   Post #: 14
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