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boundaries in D/s M/s - 1/16/2008 7:17:46 AM

subtreat4u

Posts: 58
Joined: 1/3/2008
Status: offline

I was wondering about how to relate to a woman you have only talked to 3 - 5 times
concerning boundaries, without offending her, loosing out on may be the best thing possible.
I was contacted by a lady she asked me if i would like to interview with her.
I was, am excited by the prospect, however I had a Dr appointment in the middle of the week she wanted to meet.
Strike #1
So then it was I asked if we could meet in early afternoon, since weather was bad.
Strike #2
She made arrangements to meet at another location the following month,
problem I have 2 appointments with urology in the middle of the month, have waited nearly a year to get in them.
Strike #3
She wrote me back an told me "I was to used to getting things my way,that will never work".
I wrote to explain the Dr appointments, but do not know if she is accepting of my situation.
By e mail takes a while to find out.
I can not wait on the Dr appointments again
I am overjoyed this woman took an interst in me, contacted me.
Now I am worried I do not have a chance with her any longer.

Any advice Please

Post #: 1

RE: boundaries in D/s M/s - 1/16/2008 7:34:12 AM

pixelslave

Posts: 1444
Joined: 8/19/2006
Status: offline

That fact is, we subs have real lives and commitments that we must honor before trying to make new ones to those we've not met and don't even know. We can't always rearrange our lives to fit the whims of a potential Mistress. She should be enough of an adult to recognize that when given a reasonable explanation. It sounds as though you given her a valid explanation. If she can't accept your explanation as to why you can't meet her at the times she's proposed, then she's probably not worthy of your submission. I'd hope any woman I'd be in service to would want me to meet my commitments, particularly ones to take care of my health.

You may want to try suggesting alternatives at times when you know you're going to be available to see if they'd fit into her schedule. As such you'd be proactive and show her you're interested in trying to find a mutually convenient time to meet. Right now you're showing her you have a real life of your own which is of value, which I'd hope she'd appreciate incorporating into her own. Best of luck to you and hopefully she'll see the light and realize the world doesn't always revolve completely around her.

- pixel

< Message edited by pixelslave -- 1/16/2008 7:37:33 AM >

_____________________________

Chivalry isn't dead! It's for those who have it in their hearts & are willing to be taught. It's a way of life, a code of honor; this one's armor still needs some polishing!

(in reply to subtreat4u)

Post #: 2

RE: boundaries in D/s M/s - 1/16/2008 7:44:06 AM

RoughFN

Posts: 197
Joined: 7/26/2006
Status: offline

She's not worth dwelling over.

First off, you two haven't done anything yet, yes? Just a few initial contact emails? It's just not appropriate for her to be making demands of your schedule and your life yet.

Don't get me wrong - she's perfectly welcome to be pissed off and frustrated. Not necessarily at you, but in general. I've been in a similar situation myself lately (from the other side of the table, with my collared girl) where things keep getting put off and postponed and delayed. It sucks. And it really pisses me off. But the reasons are valid, so I do my best not to get mad at her. The same applies here, she should be mad and disappointed and whatever else, but not necessarily directed at you.

As a few threads lately have covered, I firmly believe that a master is responsible for the safety of his sub. Making sure she gets to doctor's appointments when necessary falls into that category. Sure, it's irritating when it gets in the way of fun, but that doesn't mean that it's not the right thing to do. That's life.

If she's gonna get irked about valid things in your life that interfere with her play now, when you're just trying to meet initially, then imagine how much worse she'll be if you actually get seriously involved and she feels that she has more of a right to dictate what you do when.

She'll either come around now and decide it's worth waiting on since it's out of your control, and she won't and hence wasn't worth dealing with anyway.

(in reply to pixelslave)

Post #: 3

RE: boundaries in D/s M/s - 1/16/2008 9:09:01 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

Anyone who can't understand that you have doctor's appointment or meatlife obligations is not someone who is likely to be very able or willing to cope with reality.

I understand it was a thrill to have someone interested in you but you want the best people interested in you and I think she's shown that is not the case.

When you have time you should try and find a nearby (that could be an hour or two away) kinky community and start attending munches and workshops. This will get you in circulation plus you can learn things and have fun.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to subtreat4u)

Post #: 4

RE: boundaries in D/s M/s - 1/16/2008 10:48:56 AM

Politesub53

Posts: 14862
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

pixel said it best. Inform the lady concerned as to when you can meet and explain you are looking forward to it. it could be that if she has been let down recently she may have heard the same excuses. Until she knows you, she has no way of knowing if they are true or not.

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 5

RE: boundaries in D/s M/s - 1/16/2008 10:58:57 AM

rubberpet

Posts: 1743
Joined: 4/6/2006
From: The Land of Voodoo
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subtreat4u

I was wondering about how to relate to a woman you have only talked to 3 - 5 times
concerning boundaries, without offending her, loosing out on may be the best thing possible.
I was contacted by a lady she asked me if i would like to interview with her.
I was, am excited by the prospect, however I had a Dr appointment in the middle of the week she wanted to meet.
Strike #1
So then it was I asked if we could meet in early afternoon, since weather was bad.
Strike #2
She made arrangements to meet at another location the following month,
problem I have 2 appointments with urology in the middle of the month, have waited nearly a year to get in them.
Strike #3
She wrote me back an told me "I was to used to getting things my way,that will never work".
I wrote to explain the Dr appointments, but do not know if she is accepting of my situation.
By e mail takes a while to find out.
I can not wait on the Dr appointments again
I am overjoyed this woman took an interst in me, contacted me.
Now I am worried I do not have a chance with her any longer.

Any advice Please

Dude, don't sweat it. If she is going to get that upset and pissy because you had doctor appointment you needed to attend, what kind of care is she going to give you if you became hers? She doesn't sound like a very caring or understanding domme to me. Any domme worth her weight in class will certainly understand the situation, especially if she is interested in you. While I'm sure her schedule is busy (giving the benefit of the doubt here), she should have been more understanding with you. If you were making excuses to go bowling with the guys or go fishing (sorry, couldn't resist), then I can understand her displeasure. For medical reasons, I simply can't understand her pissiness.

Relax, my friend...she's not the only domme out here. There is a lady classy and special enough that will actually care about your medical issues.

_____________________________

Collared and devoted property of Mistress Lorelei (vampchick88) as of 3/26/08.

Rubberpet - The Resident Anti-Subby and mysterious shadowy figure known as Voodoo, proud hitman and wiseguy for the Subby Mafia.

(in reply to subtreat4u)

Post #: 6

RE: boundaries in D/s M/s - 1/16/2008 11:23:10 AM

subtreat4u

Posts: 58
Joined: 1/3/2008
Status: offline

pixelslave, RoughFN, thetammyjo, Politesub53, rubberpet.
I would like to thank you each for your advice !
I felt as though I was in the right as far as my health is concerned to tell her i was not able to go any where on said dates.

Thanks again, have tried mailing her agian.

< Message edited by subtreat4u -- 1/16/2008 11:55:07 AM >

(in reply to rubberpet)

Post #: 7

RE: boundaries in D/s M/s - 1/16/2008 2:02:49 PM

GoddessDustyGold

Posts: 2822
Joined: 4/11/2004
From: Arizona
Status: offline

Weeeeeell...

Trying to look at both sides here.

On the one hand, she doesn't seem to be too interested in the fact that you may have a life and can't drop everyitng to meet when it is conveneint for her. On the other hand, I am not seeing you speak of any real effort on your part.
She just kind of dropped into your lap...
She wrote to you. You have, it seems, corresponded a few times. She wants to meet. You have a Dr. appointment on the date she suggests. She asks if you can meet in the early afternoon. Apparently you can't. She tries to make arrangements again the following month, and. lo and behold!, you have two doctor appointment for that particular time.
*Sigh* I could be losing interest Myself.
If I was interested enough in someone to attempt to meet, I (this is just Me here, kay?) would be asking you to share more of your life and daily schedules and obligations. If she is not even interested in that much about you, then it doesn't bode well, to My mind. But have you been forthcoming about anything? Have the two of you ever spoken on the phone? Do you just listen and agree (Yes, Ma'am, Yes, Ma'am) and share minimal information based upon her questions? Do you pay attention to her interest, or lack thereof, in yourself as a person with a real life? In other words, do you ever have an actual conversation with real speaking on one end and listening on the
other, and an exhcange of more than just bare facts?
I have a concern with the way the OP is written. You seem hesitant about speaking to this Lady regarding any limitations you have. That tells Me, as pixel noted, that you may not be comfortable with being proactive in the arrangements to meet. It also tells Me that you are not familiar with the fact that we are, for the most part (

), just Women with real life concerns and obligations of our own.
So what are your limits? And why do you have these limits? It does seem odd, no matter how coincidental, that you have Dr. appointments on both of her attempts to arrange a meet. I am much less concerned with the fact that you can't meet at a certain time of day. That is, truly, more understandable if you have a typical Monday through Friday schedule. But why isn't she aware of this? Did she not ask? Did you not share that information?
These questions are all rhetorical. No need to answer. Just food for thought.
And do get out in to the community, rather than sitting online and suddenly hearing from a Domina, and now having no idea how to proceed.
Just trying to see both sides.
Welcome to the boards. Hope you stick around.

_____________________________

Dusty
They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety
B Franklin
Don't blame Me ~ I didn't vote for either of them
The Hidden Kingdom

(in reply to subtreat4u)

Post #: 8

RE: boundaries in D/s M/s - 1/16/2008 2:52:35 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I'm afraid I'm with Dusty.

It's understandable that you had appointments. No one has a completely free schedule. However, most people's lives do involve some free time of some sort. I have the most impossible schedule in the world (trust Me), but I can still make arrangements to meet people. Can't make it on Wednesday. How about Saturday? Is there a munch coming up that you were already planning to attend that might make a good first meeting place? Coffee on Sunday?

In My personal opinion, if a proposed meeting time isn't possible, the best idea is to make a counter offer of a time/place to meet. If all you're ever saying is no I can't do that, without some kind of alternate plan, it would sound like you're not all that interested. Whether she's used to getting her own way or not, anyone reasonable is going to look more favorably on suggestions of other opportunities rather than just a flat out no.

I do hope it works out for you.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to GoddessDustyGold)

Post #: 9

RE: boundaries in D/s M/s - 1/16/2008 3:25:26 PM

subtreat4u

Posts: 58
Joined: 1/3/2008
Status: offline

GoddessDustyGold, LadyPact

Thank you for your input as well as your insights.

The fact of the matter is the first email was from the lady.
I assume she got my name from this board, i saw a couple post from her here.

She asked if i would like an interview the following week, please provide #.

I said Yes! However i have an appointment on Wendnesday, any other day would be great.
It would be best if the meeting was in the early afternoon, if at all possible since i have to travel over a mtn pass.
here is my #

Ladies next email
Where do you live,

I responed with myhome town.

She responded great we can meet at this town I will be seeing my family.

I responded that would be great, but I do have 2 appointments 12 Feb 13 Feb any other day would be perfect.

She responded "you seem to be used to getting your own way, friend this will not work".

I emailed back asked what was the problem, i do not understand why you are upset.

Then i came to the board and posted boundaries.

Thanks again for taking the time to addres this issue.

I got a email from her and all is well i believe.

She said she did not understand .

I responded Lets start over.
Title ______
my name is I have appointments on these two days.
I so want to meet you if we can find a day that wll work for her.
Respectfully yours

Jim

Thank You all for responding, and sharing your insights.

< Message edited by subtreat4u -- 1/16/2008 3:35:36 PM >

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 10

RE: boundaries in D/s M/s - 1/16/2008 3:28:23 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

Wow, count me in with LP and Dusty.... Cranky old broads, aren't we! <G>

Really, though, don't be discouraged! Also, if you have some kind of limiting health issue, make sure you are up front with it. I know that my doctor appointments go in clusters because that is how my health insurance works---you might have made yourself seem like a poor candidate for health reasons. Just guessing!

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 11

RE: boundaries in D/s M/s - 1/17/2008 2:36:57 AM

MistressMitsukai

Posts: 5
Joined: 2/6/2005
Status: offline

If Doctors Appointments are that big of an issue, the session should not have been scheduled on such short notice. If you were planning on forming a long term relationship with this woman, you shouldn't have to worry about meeting as soon as possible. Sit around and talk online leading up to the date that you choose, far enough in the future that neither of you will have any obligations. Take the time to feel each other out. What's the rush?

However, this sounds like one of those things that could turn out to be a big misunderstanding on both ends.

_____________________________

-Mistress Mitsukai-

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 12

RE: boundaries in D/s M/s - 1/17/2008 7:40:07 AM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

Oh, and I forgot to mention, MOST excellent fish in your avatar pic!

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to MistressMitsukai)

Post #: 13

RE: boundaries in D/s M/s - 1/17/2008 12:27:50 PM

subtreat4u

Posts: 58
Joined: 1/3/2008
Status: offline

So
I am very happy there was feed back to my question.
Thank you all

Up date of this relationship
As Sad As I Am,
It ended with "good luck" this morning in my mail box.

I am angry, hurt, devastated, worse of all I feel abandoned and betrayed .
I opened myself up, let her in where no one else is allowed.
Gave her my trust, power, and sense of conrol.

Does not matter, it was my mistake to trust her.
Being real, if she is not woman enough,
to deal with a loosing a minute or two of sleep now,
and then, or take the time to understand I am better off without her !

I tried to explain to her I have Non Combative PTSD from a rape in service
as well as from an explosion that happened during a radio transmission of mine,
which accidentally killed the Lt., and mortally wounding a Sgt.
as they were setting a demolition charge.
I live with these, especially Sep-Dec, this year it is into Jan.
I tried to explain to her nightmares, anxiety, panic attacks.
Dr appointments, medications.
That this does not efect me all day, every day,
but have troubles at times.

I was emotional and expressed it.

She freaked, so it has ended.

I feel like I should quit the site.
I have not determined this as yet.

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 14

RE: boundaries in D/s M/s - 1/17/2008 12:34:32 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

I do hope that you don't decide to quit the site entirely, especially the boards, as there is plenty of good conversation to be had here.

My former slave came with a passel of issues, and it was a lot to deal with. I have cousins who are still not the same since Vietnam, and how long ago is that? Our health issues are a big deal, and IMO it's important to be up front about them if they are something that affects you. PTSD problems and abuse issues are especially important---someone could trip your trigger totally by accident and where would you be then? Both of you would be freaking out for different reasons.

Not all contacts amount to anything at all. Not every relationship is forever. Try to stay open minded and interested, and learn more about what your own interests are. I'm not sure what it is you gave up to this woman over the course of a few conversations or emails, but you might want to take a look at that, too. Did you say anything out of line? Or were you just expressing the things most would express, if they were trying to start a D/s relationship?

Take a step back, and breathe.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to subtreat4u)

Post #: 15

RE: boundaries in D/s M/s - 1/17/2008 12:35:06 PM

subtreat4u

Posts: 58
Joined: 1/3/2008
Status: offline

Thanks the fish is a 25lb Chinook (Silver).
First Salmon I have ever caught.
Smoked it myself, was mouth watering delicious, in fact smoked 6 in all.

Tell your brothers welcome back.
Thanks for Serving !

< Message edited by subtreat4u -- 1/17/2008 1:08:53 PM >

(in reply to subtreat4u)

Post #: 16

RE: boundaries in D/s M/s - 1/17/2008 12:45:49 PM

subtreat4u

Posts: 58
Joined: 1/3/2008
Status: offline

I did not really feel like discussing this through e mail with her, or anyone else.
I had palnned on talking about this in person.
All that was given in trust was allowing her to have the knowledge of what I have to
deal with all the time, thus giving away my control, and power to her so she could do as she did.
Flip out
I was upset writing the mail to her, and said as I began to break down and cry ("now you Fing know")

(in reply to subtreat4u)

Post #: 17

RE: boundaries in D/s M/s - 1/17/2008 12:56:57 PM

GoddessDustyGold

Posts: 2822
Joined: 4/11/2004
From: Arizona
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subtreat4u

So
I am very happy there was feed back to my question.
Thank you all

Up date of this relationship
As Sad As I Am,
It ended with "good luck" this morning in my mail box.

I am angry, hurt, devastated, worse of all I feel abandoned and betrayed .
I opened myself up, let her in where no one else is allowed.
Gave her my trust, power, and sense of conrol.

Does not matter, it was my mistake to trust her.
Being real, if she is not woman enough,
to deal with a loosing a minute or two of sleep now,
and then, or take the time to understand I am better off without her !

I tried to explain to her I have Non Combative PTSD from a rape in service
as well as from an explosion that happened during a radio transmission of mine,
which accidentally killed the Lt., and mortally wounding a Sgt.
as they were setting a demolition charge.
I live with these, especially Sep-Dec, this year it is into Jan.
I tried to explain to her nightmares, anxiety, panic attacks.
Dr appointments, medications.
That this does not efect me all day, every day,
but have troubles at times.

I was emotional and expressed it.

She freaked, so it has ended.

I feel like I should quit the site.
I have not determined this as yet.

Bold emphasis Mine...

Slow down, sweetie!
There is no reason for you to feel hurt, angry and "abandoned and betrayed". Those are pretty strong emotions welling up due to a few short email correspondences. I am also failing to see how you gave her your trust, power, and sense of control. Try to get things into perspective. It would be a shame if you "quit the site" because you had one disappointing experience, that really isn't all that bad.
You need to hang about these boards and read, read, read...As much as I hate to say it, you also need to toughen up a little bit. This is the internet, and you are not going to find your dream domme in a few hours or days.
It sounds like you have some emotional and mental stability issues. They are quite understandable given the brief history you are sharing here, but these sorts of issues can also be scary for an outsider.
You need to take some time getting to know people in your local (or as local as you can get) community, while you work on your coping skills. You also have a lot of education to get after so that you are more prepared for this lifestyle, and the many aspects of it. Once you have learned more, and participated in some real time meetings, at casual and very non-threatening munches, for example, you will know better what your life limits are and how to find the Lady with whom you will have the best fit.
And...one addtional little piece of food for thought...Do you want a relationship that begins with one email suggesting an interview? Or do you want to try to get to know someone and then move forward. Read profiles carefully. Choose wisely. And don't let yourself be so disappointed that you feel abandoned and betrayed after a few, non-substantial, emails. Those emotions would be more appropriate after an investment of much more time and commitment.
Good luck.

< Message edited by GoddessDustyGold -- 1/17/2008 12:59:24 PM >

_____________________________

Dusty
They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety
B Franklin
Don't blame Me ~ I didn't vote for either of them
The Hidden Kingdom

(in reply to subtreat4u)

Post #: 18

RE: boundaries in D/s M/s - 1/17/2008 12:59:56 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

I understand that mental health issues are a big deal to you---as person stoked to the gills on antidepressants, believe me, I know! But, this is the kind of thing that is a dealbreaker for a LOT of people in a lot of different situations. You did not give this lady any kind of power over you. You explained that you have some health problems. Wouldn't you have told her if you were diabetic, or needed dialysis, or had heart trouble?

I don't want to leap on my soapbox, I will just say that BDSM relationships involve a far greater level of intimacy than many (most?) vanilla ones. Your daily life---not a secret. Or shouldn't be.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to subtreat4u)

Post #: 19

RE: boundaries in D/s M/s - 1/17/2008 1:00:31 PM

rubberpet

Posts: 1743
Joined: 4/6/2006
From: The Land of Voodoo
Status: offline

You keep flauting your big fish around like that as bait, you might hook the domme of your dreams here!

The ladies seem to like you!

I'm sorry to hear things ended, but that frees you up to find the right match. Good luck, my friend. Keep your head up and don't let one bad experience get you down.

_____________________________

Collared and devoted property of Mistress Lorelei (vampchick88) as of 3/26/08.

Rubberpet - The Resident Anti-Subby and mysterious shadowy figure known as Voodoo, proud hitman and wiseguy for the Subby Mafia.

(in reply to subtreat4u)

Post #: 20

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