please do not focus on me!! (Full Version)

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ourgirl -> please do not focus on me!! (1/16/2008 7:25:29 AM)

as a submissive, i try very hard to obey every command, but some i just can't.  for instance, when He tells me to touch myself, i really get freaked out.  i mean, i can literally feel myself start to panic, i almost get unable to speak.  the same happens if He says "describe what you feel" or something like that.  i can feel my throat start to close up, i swear.  i just cannot get the words out.  it is virtually impossible for me to orgasm, even though what He is doing feels amazing.  it is just whenever the focus is on me, i freeze up, completely.  has anyone else ever had this problem?  We have been together for 11 years and i still have made no progress, i usually end up in a full blown panic attack, hyperventilating and crying (which, as you can imagine is a total mood killer)!  We have talked about it endlessly, but just can't seem to figure out what to do.  any insight would be fabulous!



sambamanslilgirl -> RE: please do not focus on me!! (1/16/2008 7:56:37 AM)

i had a similar problem but not like yours when Daddy and i first met. He asked me to describe myself to him and i told Him i really don't like talking about myself.  it wasn't that i was embarrassed about me ...i've always enjoyed being far away from the spotlight as far as possible. 

of course over time, He broke me out my shell by telling me certain things He liked and noticed about me - it was His way of rebuilding my self-confidence and self-worth which was shattered by my ex after divorce.  i do admit i didn't like His constant focus on me however it did break me out of the shell as i start discovering more about me.  now He notices that i'm starting to accept compliments better and t enjoy how people are recognizing me for my reviews.



BabyKittyKat -> RE: please do not focus on me!! (1/16/2008 10:35:40 AM)

What if you two start out step by step. It`s strange that you have been so long together, but you still panic in such moments. I think that all you can do is get some courage and confront your fears. Try telling him what you feel, etc. without him asking. Make the sentence in your thoughts, keep repeating it in your mind and when you`re ready say it. Just go step by step. In the beginning of my relationship I also couldn`t say or do some things.. But through time I started confronting my fears. I wasn`t all that good, but after some time it wasn`t so terrifying for me. I even couldn`t tell Daddy that I`m His little slut. Now I do it all the time, full of pride :) Just be more positive and courageous! I`m sure you can solve this problem :) Good luck



CalifChick -> RE: please do not focus on me!! (1/16/2008 10:43:50 AM)

My first thought is therapy.  Seriously.  11 years and you're still having panic attacks over this?  You need a professional to cut to the core here.

In the meantime, have you tried mirroring him?  Instead of just touching yourself, put your hand on top of his and follow it.  Have him murmur in your ear what he thinks you're feeling, like "i love the way this feels, feeling the tingles on the skin when the fingers drag slowly across it... I'm aching to arch against fingers... "  You get the idea - I'm trying to not turn this into a wankfest.

Go really slowly with it.  When you're comfortable with that, you can try putting your hand under his (instead of on top of it).  But he needs to keep his hand there, on yours, so you can feel him there with you.

Good luck, and seriously, please consider some therapy.

Cali



Justme696 -> RE: please do not focus on me!! (1/16/2008 11:05:21 AM)

Not to be mean, but are you really "submissive" to him..or did the feeling pass away?
The combination serving and then panicking sounds like a contradiction, because it should give pleasure.



ourgirl -> RE: please do not focus on me!! (1/16/2008 11:16:40 AM)

Cali
Therapy would not be a bad idea and We discussed that and tried it.  where do you find a therapist that understands this dynamic and will not just consider me an abused wife and tell me to run (trust me on this, it has happened already!!  She was ready to line me up a spot at the women's shelter.  just like the Gyn, when you ask about things and the response you get is "Don't do that!")

Justme696
Valid point and i understand where you are coming from, but in all other aspects, yes.  and it is not that i do not want to do those things He asks of me, i really do and i beat myself up terribly over it, but i just can't.  if it merely it makes me uncomfortable (which it very much does), then His answer to that would be tough, but it is my physical response that is our concern.  nothing has been able to get me past that. 

Babykittykat
If you can say those things now then you have made much more progress that i.  congrats!  i am sure your daddy is very proud of you.   

Thank you all for your 2 cents (or dime, quarter, whatever) 



Justme696 -> RE: please do not focus on me!! (1/16/2008 11:22:45 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ourgirl



Justme696
Valid point and i understand where you are coming from, but in all other aspects, yes.  and it is not that i do not want to do those things He asks of me, i really do and i beat myself up terribly over it, but i just can't.  if it merely it makes me uncomfortable (which it very much does), then His answer to that would be tough, but it is my physical response that is our concern.  nothing has been able to get me past that. 




Sorry to hear. I just was checking, because when you love soem one, you do things you don't like by times
Difficult this..



charmdpetKeira -> RE: please do not focus on me!! (1/16/2008 11:24:13 AM)

Have you tried doing the things that make you panic while wearing a blindfold? Kind of a "you can't see me", type of thing.

All I can think of.

k



SimplyMichael -> RE: please do not focus on me!! (1/16/2008 11:31:58 AM)

Just me, the rules here won't allow me to say what I think of this post but suffice it to say that even for you, this is one best deleted and or ignored.

To the OP:
You have some deep issues that you need to deal with and a talented therapist, one who makes you feel comfortable and relaxed and who "gets you" could help a lot.  Don't take the first one, interview them, talk to them, and find one who is a good fit.

Simple advice isn't going to cure what ails you.  I am a very talented dominant who is quite good at working through issues but you need a professional.  If you need motivation, imagine how happy you would be without the deep seated and unconscious fears that rule your life!



CalifChick -> RE: please do not focus on me!! (1/16/2008 11:35:42 AM)

It may take a while to find a kink-friendly therapist, but don't give up. 

Cali



Justme696 -> RE: please do not focus on me!! (1/16/2008 11:48:42 AM)

quote:

Just me, the rules here won't allow me to say what I think of this post but suffice it to say that even for you, this is one best deleted and or ignored.


?



shorty21 -> RE: please do not focus on me!! (1/16/2008 11:56:14 AM)

I know exactly what this feels like. i am in a wheelchair and try not to be noticed by anyone not even a Dom/Domme. i am a plus size (i prefer fluffy) girl who has always had issues with her body. my very first Master was wonderful at pulling me out of that shell when i was told to strip or do other things involving being naked he would remind me that he loved me and remind me that no matter what i thought in His mind's eye i am beauty....it worked for me..took some time..but worked...the blindfold advice would be good too. just find a groove and a pace you can work with even if it is starting with having Him in another room and having..well phone sex basically...can work on verbal commands and then bring Him in when you are comfortable



PanthersMom -> RE: please do not focus on me!! (1/16/2008 11:59:50 AM)

it sounds to me like there are some serious repressed issues here.  a competent therapist would be a much better choice for advice than the forum here.  you might want to contact your local kink-friendly community for referrals.  that's one of the things i'd like to do when i get my degree is be a kink-friendly counselor, there aren't enough of them out there.

PM



girlygurl -> RE: please do not focus on me!! (1/16/2008 12:12:42 PM)

OP~ I haven't personally used this site but maybe you can find a kink friendly therapist that will help. 
http://www.ncsfreedom.org/index.php?option=com_keyword&id=270
Good luck,
girly



Argentopal -> RE: please do not focus on me!! (1/16/2008 12:38:55 PM)

HI,

I can't offer any good advice, but I saw your picture and wanted to see it larger, so I took a gander at your profile.  May I say what a beautiful picture it is! Thank you for having it up for us to see.
opal



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: please do not focus on me!! (1/16/2008 5:40:49 PM)

My guess is you spent more time researching buying your car than you did a compatible and competent therapist.  Try again.

Most subs feel like that to a certain extent- my partner goes into a throat clearing strained voice mode.  You're on the fairly extreme end. 

My main suggestion is for your master to remind you at those times to calm down, that whatever you say or react will be accepted and enjoyed, that the goal is not the orgasm but the availability of your body and things like that.  Stop getting freaked out about "doing something" and you'll eventually stop having the deep reaction.



Maya2001 -> RE: please do not focus on me!! (1/16/2008 5:41:15 PM)

It is possible you may have some repressend memories from way back in your past, I think SimplyMichael is correct, that a therapist is needed, imorder to work  thru the issues, because your reaction is pretty severe especially if you have been in this relationship as long as you have, if it was just modesty/discomfort the reaction could be normal but  anxiety attacks are not



MistressNoName -> RE: please do not focus on me!! (1/16/2008 5:58:04 PM)

Dear OP: I agree with others, therapy sounds in order. And sounds like you and your Master know it. Someone suggested the Kink-Aware professionals list. May I also suggest contacting your local lgbt center. I don't know where in PA you are, but here is the link to the national org. http://www.lgbtcenters.org/directory.asp

Also, if you are close to NYC, you can always contact our local center, which has a wonderful counseling service staffed by qualified mental health professionals. And if nothing else, they might be able to refer you to an agency in your area or give you some ideas where to start searching. The reason I'm referring you to the lgbt center is because they are often very kink aware, and most have excellent counseling services.

Best to you - and don't give up on this, you're too important. Ask your Master for help with this.

MNN



smilingjaguar -> RE: please do not focus on me!! (1/16/2008 6:19:54 PM)

I've had the same response in the past due to sexual abuse in my childhood.  I strongly suggest finding a compatible therapist, even if you leave out the bdsm aspects and tell them that you have issues touching yourself in front of your partner and panic at talking dirty and wish to get to the bottom of it.  Sometimes they just don't need to know every single detail of your life.  I know that was the case for me lately when I needed to talk to a therapist as I live in a rural area.

I have to agree with Michael that this is more than you and your master can handle, and I say this as someone who handled her major issues through hers.  I cannot emphasize enough the importance of getting a professional involved.




NaiveTempest -> RE: please do not focus on me!! (1/16/2008 6:51:35 PM)

Like sambamlg, I too prefer to be outside of the spotlight. I'm trying to work around this, but I have a ways too go. I still find myself focusing more on what I don't like about my body then what I DO like about it. It is hard for me to strip/bare myself to a partner because of my fears that they might find me less then. But, on the same token, I don't want to be with anyone who would do that. So I have to find someone I trust enough to bare myself to and who valued every part of me no matter it's shape, size, or scars. I am glad for you that your someone has stuck by you for so long and I'm sure you value and treasure that as well and don't take it for granted.
I agree with the others about going to therapy, it does help. Have you discussed therapy with your Dom? What's his take on it?



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