So much for tolerance.....(a rant). (Full Version)

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HalloweenWhite -> So much for tolerance.....(a rant). (8/29/2005 4:17:51 AM)

I read a few weeks ago on one of the forums that a Dom. had a theory that people with disabilities got into this lifestyle because we thought it was easier to find someone in this lifestyle than in our vanilla one.

Garbage and… a massive insult.

For a start image seems to be very important and people go to great lengths to show their “Domme/Domly-ness, or slave/sub-ness”. Whether online or in r/l there seems to be a “need” for Dommes/Doms. To be a certain height and build-they are expected to be tall and broad. Subs and slaves seem to be expected to be petite and slim. Switches can be either/or. Or at least, somewhere in between.

If you took a look at the pictures on the profiles you’d soon see that a lot of them had people in carefully thought out costumes, make-up, or were posed in a way to try to make them look more Dominant or submissive. But costumes and make up cost money and because a vast amount of people with disabilities have a hard time getting a job and so have to live on a low income, they cant play with money and spend amounts of cash cultivating the “right” image.


Most fetish clubs/ parties have strict dress codes and are often in places with steps. Mobility problems and steps don’t mix,plus,if you needed help to get out fast, the person helping you would be put in danger too. So even if you could afford the clothes, you still would have a hard time getting to where all the other “pervs.” go.


Scope, a disability charity that represents people who have Cerebral Palsy did some research not long ago and found that a lot of employers were unwilling to employ people with disabilities because they were worried about how their customers would feel about being served by someone who has a disability.


Disability is a funny thing . People who are born with a physical disability often are destined to not grow to a normal height, may be slightly misshapen (so finding costumes that fit is a challenge all by it’s self) and because of problems with mobility or communication, may need to rely on pieces of equipment to do the job for them. Making them stick out like a sore thumb.

The other thing about disability is that it seems to make people who don’t have to live with one very uncomfortable-they tend to see it as a sign of weakness; or reliance on other people to get or do something they cant get/do for themselves. That equals a loss of control over their own lives-something they take for granted because they can. Also they seem to make a connection between having a disability and being in pain most of the time which is just stupid….I mean…er…not true. Others probably think that disability equals contractible illness.

Based on what people see of and how they may feel about disability, its no surprise that there is this nervousness.

I think a good way to test this Dom’s theory would be if you could find out who exactly was contacting all the subs/and slaves whether they happen to be lesbian,bi,or straight, then find out whether the Doms. contacting them had some form of disability and if they were, if they had received a reply.

Another way would be to find out how many disabled Dommes/Doms. Had any messages from able-bodied sub/slaves. Id bet money on the answers to these questions would all be no.

Why am I so sure? Because Dommes/Doms,subs/slaves and switches are people as well and as such have the same human instincts as everyone in the vanilla world.

I’m serious about BDSM,obsessed even. I want a 24/7,TPE,masochistic pony-girl who is at least 6’ feet tall with long dark hair and an amazingly creative imagination and I want her naked at My feet all the time.

Will I find her? Who knows, but I’m not holding My breath for all the reasons I’ve explained in this journal-if I’m to have any chance at all I have a fight on My hands-access, lack of money, dress-codes, hostility, fear of the unknown, not being able to conform to the “Dom image” and because of My size and shape not being see as physically attractive.

So in the meantime, I read and learn as much as I can and keep My eye open for accessible venues/events, try to talk with and get to know others in the lifestyle and bide My time.




HalloweenWhite









MsIncognito -> RE: So much for tolerance.....(a rant). (8/29/2005 5:40:47 AM)

I was going to type out a long, drawn out reply that covered each of the points in your post but decided against. There are two points I want to make instead.

1) The argument that disabled people are into BDSM because it's easier to find a partner is hogwash. I've heard the same silly theory applied to fat people and frankly, I think there are many more fat people who aren't into BDSM than are.

2) IMO the most unattractive thing about some people with disabilities are that they carry a chip on their shoulder. They expect others to judge them negatively so they present a defensive, defiant face to the world. In fact, there are many people who do this, disabled or not. How is that attractive in anyone?

I know of a Dom on another site who is not only disabled (wheelchair bound) but impotent as well. He has a slave who is very dedicated. I'm not sure whether his disability was caused by a birth defect or an accident because he doesn't put his disability front and center. He discusses it openly and frankly if it's germaine, but doesn't carry a chip on his shoulder about it. As someone on the outside looking in, I'd say that kind of positive attitude is the key to his success in relationships.



HalloweenWhite -> RE: So much for tolerance.....(a rant). (8/29/2005 6:11:29 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: MsIncognito

I was going to type out a long, drawn out reply that covered each of the points in your post but decided against. There are two points I want to make instead.

1) The argument that disabled people are into BDSM because it's easier to find a partner is hogwash. I've heard the same silly theory applied to fat people and frankly, I think there are many more fat people who aren't into BDSM than are.

2) IMO the most unattractive thing about some people with disabilities are that they carry a chip on their shoulder. They expect others to judge them negatively so they present a defensive, defiant face to the world. In fact, there are many people who do this, disabled or not. How is that attractive in anyone?

I know of a Dom on another site who is not only disabled (wheelchair bound) but impotent as well. He has a slave who is very dedicated. I'm not sure whether his disability was caused by a birth defect or an accident because he doesn't put his disability front and center. He discusses it openly and frankly if it's germaine, but doesn't carry a chip on his shoulder about it. As someone on the outside looking in, I'd say that kind of positive attitude is the key to his success in relationships.

I tried not to come across as having a chip on My shoulder but the second point you made is a really good one (The fisrt point is good to). I did come across as having one didnt I?. I know its not good but I was really wound up by what this Dom. wrote and thought maybe this was a common thing,or that after reading that, many would believe it and that would be that. No excuses,youre right. I have to work on My attitude-just been disabled a long time and seen/heard/felt a lot of negative stuff.

Good post.



JohnWarren -> RE: So much for tolerance.....(a rant). (8/29/2005 7:16:12 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: HalloweenWhite


quote:

ORIGINAL: MsIncognito

I was going to type out a long, drawn out reply that covered each of the points in your post but decided against. There are two points I want to make instead.

1) The argument that disabled people are into BDSM because it's easier to find a partner is hogwash. I've heard the same silly theory applied to fat people and frankly, I think there are many more fat people who aren't into BDSM than are.

2) IMO the most unattractive thing about some people with disabilities are that they carry a chip on their shoulder. They expect others to judge them negatively so they present a defensive, defiant face to the world. In fact, there are many people who do this, disabled or not. How is that attractive in anyone?

I know of a Dom on another site who is not only disabled (wheelchair bound) but impotent as well. He has a slave who is very dedicated. I'm not sure whether his disability was caused by a birth defect or an accident because he doesn't put his disability front and center. He discusses it openly and frankly if it's germaine, but doesn't carry a chip on his shoulder about it. As someone on the outside looking in, I'd say that kind of positive attitude is the key to his success in relationships.

I tried not to come across as having a chip on My shoulder but the second point you made is a really good one (The fisrt point is good to). I did come across as having one didnt I?. I know its not good but I was really wound up by what this Dom. wrote and thought maybe this was a common thing,or that after reading that, many would believe it and that would be that. No excuses,youre right. I have to work on My attitude-just been disabled a long time and seen/heard/felt a lot of negative stuff.

Good post.


I don't usually post two word responses while quoting a whole bunch of stuff but this time I'll make an exception.

Good recovery



HalloweenWhite -> RE: So much for tolerance.....(a rant). (8/29/2005 7:20:22 AM)

Lol. It was, wasnt it?. Good book btw, (The Loving Dominant).


HalloweenWhite.



MsIncognito -> RE: So much for tolerance.....(a rant). (8/29/2005 7:22:37 AM)

quote:

I tried not to come across as having a chip on My shoulder but the second point you made is a really good one (The fisrt point is good to). I did come across as having one didnt I?. I know its not good but I was really wound up by what this Dom. wrote and thought maybe this was a common thing,or that after reading that, many would believe it and that would be that. No excuses,youre right. I have to work on My attitude-just been disabled a long time and seen/heard/felt a lot of negative stuff.


My post wasn't intended to be directed specifically at you, but more of a statement of things I've noticed in general. There are all sorts of people out there who carry hurts that manifest in different ways. I don't think anyone gets through life unscathed. In my personal relationship I don't expect people to be perfect (goodness knows I'm not), just that they're trying to improve. What more can you reasonably ask of people?



lonewolf05 -> RE: So much for tolerance.....(a rant). (8/29/2005 8:07:29 AM)

quote:



2) IMO the most unattractive thing about some people with disabilities are that they carry a chip on their shoulder. They expect others to judge them negatively so they present a defensive, defiant face to the world. In fact, there are many people who do this, disabled or not. How is that attractive in anyone?

========================================================

and the problem is;
some of us ARE attacked by too many whom feel they have to live in an ivory tower and put down others constantly...just to make themselves look better.
look around at MY posts and you WILL see 4 people on collarme that deliberately attack ME constantly.
ya want attractive? how attractive is it to allow this? what happened to tolerance? MY views and feelings are constantly being looked at under a microscope and no one else is.

wolf



perfection20005 -> RE: So much for tolerance.....(a rant). (8/29/2005 8:48:36 AM)

I agree that there a lot of people on here who can't handle a disability, but its the same on vanilla sites. I have only been disabled for two years, but I know that people either look down on me, or expect me to be totally helpless.

I have learned to ignore all the negative people, and concentrate on all the positive.



MsSonnetMarwood -> RE: So much for tolerance.....(a rant). (8/29/2005 9:52:34 AM)

quote:

I’m serious about BDSM,obsessed even. I want a 24/7,TPE,masochistic pony-girl who is at least 6’ feet tall with long dark hair and an amazingly creative imagination and I want her naked at My feet all the time.



Do you distinguish between tolerance and preferences?

Clearly, you have some very specific preferences as to what you seek in a submissive. Over 6 foot tall AND long dark hair AND masochistic AND seeking 24/7 AND into pony play AND....AND....AND...

So are you intolerant of average height subs who have short hair?

The more specific your preferences, the smaller the pool of available subs.

quote:

Most fetish clubs/ parties have strict dress codes


Actually, I've been to quite a few clubs over a period of quite a few years and while you probably don't want to show up scruffy....most people do NOT wear fetish clothing, but rather just a pulled together outfit like a nice shirt and slacks. I've also seen some very creative outfits (and put together some myself) that don't necessarily cost a lot to put together.



Mercnbeth -> RE: So much for tolerance.....(a rant). (8/29/2005 10:56:18 AM)

Halloween White,

What you are seeking
quote:

I want a 24/7,TPE,masochistic pony-girl who is at least 6’ feet tall with long dark hair and an amazingly creative imagination and I want her naked at My feet all the time.
is difficult for anybody to find! And if you did find such a person, you're self doubt;
quote:

I have a fight on My hands-access, lack of money, dress-codes, hostility, fear of the unknown, not being able to conform to the “Dom image” and because of My size and shape not being see as physically attractive.
can't help but be a detraction from your consideration. It would be interesting to know how compromising you would be? Would your reject a 4'7" redheaded BBW?

My point is that for any two people, vanilla or "flavored" get together and are compatible it takes a lot of coincidental circumstances. You have to know about them (internet a good tool for that), they have to know about you, you have to be close enough to meet in person, you have to meet them, find them interesting to be around, and find them attractive. Then, the whole attraction process must be reciprocal.

But don't think that you are alone or that your access is limited. I've helped carry a few people into the NYC venues in the past who were in wheelchairs. Last year at Folsom and at the Folsom Fringe, I saw quite a few people who were in a situation similar to you. Is it easy? It is as easy as it is for non-impaired people? NO! But how is it different than any other aspect of your life?

If this lifestyle is that important to you, make it as much of a priority as the other things you do that you needed to tailor to your personal situation. I sure you don't use your situation as an excuse for other aspects of your life, don't do it for this lifestyle. Trust me, the most hard core, sadistic Dom/me will provide or get you the assistance you need to get into any function. Who knows, maybe that 6' pony girl with a long dark mane will be there waiting for you.



MsIncognito -> RE: So much for tolerance.....(a rant). (8/29/2005 11:08:40 AM)

wolf, I have to be honest here and say I'm not really sure what you're asking....if anything at all. Are you suggesting that it's everyone's responsibility to ensure you don't get attacked? And who "allows" this exactly? The vast majority of us here have no control over how/what others post. If you run into problems contact a moderator.

quote:

ORIGINAL: lonewolf05

and the problem is;
some of us ARE attacked by too many whom feel they have to live in an ivory tower and put down others constantly...just to make themselves look better.
look around at MY posts and you WILL see 4 people on collarme that deliberately attack ME constantly.
ya want attractive? how attractive is it to allow this? what happened to tolerance? MY views and feelings are constantly being looked at under a microscope and no one else is.




HalloweenWhite -> RE: So much for tolerance.....(a rant). (8/29/2005 1:40:57 PM)

MsSonnetMarrwood and Mercnbeth.....Yes I do dituinguish between tolerance and preferance. My post was about a Dom's feelings about disabled people in the lifestyle which I felt showed very little -tollerance-. My comment about wanting a six foot tall whatever was Me stating a preferance, more like an ideal really or a fantasy-I know this kind of person is quite -rare-,I was juststating what My ideal would be. And -yes-, I -would- settle for a short red haired woman. But -only- if she had a sense of humour......



HalloweenWhite.



CitizenCane -> RE: So much for tolerance.....(a rant). (8/29/2005 1:48:15 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MsIncognito



1) The argument that disabled people are into BDSM because it's easier to find a partner is hogwash. I've heard the same silly theory applied to fat people and frankly, I think there are many more fat people who aren't into BDSM than are.



Unless you consider obesity a form of masochism.

Cane



lonewolf05 -> RE: So much for tolerance.....(a rant). (8/29/2005 3:17:43 PM)

ORIGINAL: MsIncognito

wolf, I have to be honest here and say I'm not really sure what you're asking.
======

They expect others to judge them negatively so they present a defensive, defiant face to the world.
all i was saying is, MY defensive is because i am provoked..

thats it.

wolf



EvilTwin1 -> RE: So much for tolerance.....(a rant). (8/29/2005 5:45:17 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: HalloweenWhite

I read a few weeks ago on one of the forums that a Dom. had a theory that people with disabilities got into this lifestyle because we thought it was easier to find someone in this lifestyle than in our vanilla one.



There was a time that having read your words I would have flashed white hot, asked the source of the forum, after validatng what was said, donned my official spandex butt-kicking outfit and gone to Knuckle City with that alleged Dom. Now wisdom kicks in and I remember the very wise words of my father. "Know Invincible Ignorance when you see it." There is absolutely no point in attempting to engage this alleged Dom in any sort of rational discussion. Invincible Ignorance is just that, invincible. Perhaps he will win a Darwin Award and remove himself from the gene pool.



MsIncognito -> RE: So much for tolerance.....(a rant). (8/29/2005 6:04:43 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: lonewolf05

all i was saying is, MY defensive is because i am provoked..



Gotcha.



happypervert -> RE: So much for tolerance.....(a rant). (8/29/2005 6:25:18 PM)

quote:

I read a few weeks ago on one of the forums that a Dom. had a theory that people with disabilities got into this lifestyle because we thought it was easier to find someone in this lifestyle than in our vanilla one.

Perhaps he was relating his own experience; he is obviously mentally disabled.



HalloweenWhite -> RE: So much for tolerance.....(a rant). (8/30/2005 1:06:03 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: happypervert

quote:

I read a few weeks ago on one of the forums that a Dom. had a theory that people with disabilities got into this lifestyle because we thought it was easier to find someone in this lifestyle than in our vanilla one.

Perhaps he was relating his own experience; he is obviously mentally disabled.



In fact he works in the medical field. Major accidents, I think. lol.




HalloweenWhite.



LadyJC -> RE: So much for tolerance.....(a rant). (8/30/2005 1:37:58 PM)

Actually when I go to a play party I wear a basic pair of dress pants or skirt, and a really sexy top I happened to pick up at walmart for like 8 bucks, and a pair of heels I got on sale somewhere. Heck if you take a look on my profile on bondage.com (Lady_JC) I'm not looking all "domme like" it's my highschool graduation photo which my parents paid for.
I've dated both vanilla and flavoured they're both very difficult and people tend to be judgemental, I don't have a disability but I am over weight. Guess what? I get stared at by people they look at me in disgust and I don't care. I'm sure if you wanted to go to a play party people would help you, and those who judge you for what you wear or how you look aren't worth getting to know.
(Believe me it took me a long time to learn that.) Those who care just for your personality would be welcoming and kind to you. Now honestly I don't know too many women who are 6' tall. One of my friend's is 5'10" but that's it. Being too picky won't get you anywhere either. Learn their personalities, find out if you're attracted to them. And if they're hair isn't red, couldn't you get them to dye it?

LadyJC



MasterHyde -> RE: So much for tolerance.....(a rant). (8/30/2005 2:16:50 PM)

quote:


They expect others to judge them negatively so they present a defensive, defiant face to the world.
all i was saying is, MY defensive is because i am provoked..


But you weren't provoked in this thread. In fact, this thread had NOTHING at all to do with you issue. And your post had ALMOST nopthing to do with the thread. So, the question that's begging to asked is... why the heck are you here? To whine about people picking on you? To call attention to your own misery? I don't know you from Adam, but it seems the few times I've read anything you posted, it was another complaint about how people are persecuting you.

I have to tell you. That gets old very quickly. It's bordering on antiquity already.



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