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Deal Breakers - 8/29/2005 5:32:31 AM   
tuttalila


Posts: 47
Joined: 8/17/2005
From: Italy
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I read an article about "Sex and Dating Deal Breakers" in the Village Voice (http://www.villagevoice.com/people/0535,bussel,67259,24.htmll) and am particularly wondering if people who also have vanilla relationships have a different set of "deal breakers" for the two, or if your parameters are the same.

Also, do you think there's a difference between "deal-breakers" and "hard limits"?

(I have found mentions of deal-breakers in past threads, but haven't seen a whole thread devoted to them. If there is already a thread devoted to this, I apologize).

Lila




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RE: Deal Breakers - 8/29/2005 5:38:44 AM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		My deal breakers are generally the same for all relationships, but with a few specific differences.

Deal breakers tend to be the same as hard limits (in fact I'd consider using them as synonyms) though "deal breakers" can be more personality conflicts or personal issues that have nothing to do with any action or reaction on the d-side of the slash. For example "he never brushes his teeth, that's a deal breaker" doesn't mean that you have some limit on teeth brushing, simply that as a compatibility issue for forming a relationship with someone, it's not what you consider a good thing.

But the two are so synonymous I don't think it would be wrong to use them the same way for the most part.

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RE: Deal Breakers - 8/29/2005 5:41:14 AM   
JohnWarren


Posts: 3807
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tuttalila


I read an article about "Sex and Dating Deal Breakers" in the Village Voice (http://www.villagevoice.com/people/0535,bussel,67259,24.htmll) and am particularly wondering if people who also have vanilla relationships have a different set of "deal breakers" for the two, or if your parameters are the same.


I suspect that we have similar sets of deal breakers with the addition of ones specific to kink. After all if a gal is turned off by a hairy back, that isn't going to go away because she discovers she likes her pussy whipped.

That's one reason that I have to laugh at people who think they will "take a dip in the kink pool because the people there are easy."

Interestingly, I feel that the vanilla compatabilities between Libby and I are what have been more important at keeping us together than the kink ones.


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RE: Deal Breakers - 8/29/2005 6:50:41 AM   
MsIncognito


Posts: 742
Joined: 5/24/2005
Status: offline 		I consider deal breakers and hard limits to be different things. Deal breakers are things that will keep me from entering into a relationship with a person in the first place. Things like criminal activity, heavy drug use, uncontrolled mental/psychological issues/illness or incompatibility in values and ethics. Hard limits are not something that keep me from entering in a relationship but rather things that within a relationship are red zones. I don't have many hard limits (and don't believe in soft limits) and those I do have are based on issues of physical, emotional and psychological harm (you know, death, dismemberment, permanent damage, that sort of thing). If a Dom/me insisted that one of my hard limits would be breached then I guess that could become a deal breaker. My hard limits and deal breakers do not change based on whether the relationship is vanilla or BDSM oriented.

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RE: Deal Breakers - 8/29/2005 7:13:21 AM   
Nuke718


Posts: 240
Joined: 8/2/2005
Status: offline 		I have to side with MsIncognito, they are different things.

Deal Breakers are accross the board for relationships regardless of the level of kinkiness involved (or not). Dishonesty, heavy drug use, poor personal hygene, webbed feet (didn't know it was a DB until I encountered a women with them), incompatible interests, etc. These are things which will make me say a relationship will not work with a given woman Domme, sub, or 'nilla.

Hard limits are aspects of the BDsM lifestyle I am unwilling to get involved with. They may be illegal or just plain disagreeable to me. Examples here include bloodletting and scat. These limits are seldom an issue in a 'nilla relationship, which is why I differentiate them from Deal Breakers.

Nuke }:-

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RE: Deal Breakers - 8/29/2005 5:51:01 PM   
ProtagonistLily


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quote:

Also, do you think there's a difference between "deal-breakers" and "hard limits"?


Absolutely.

Deal-breakers are things that are outside the realm of the primary scene. If someone misrepresents themselves and I find out it's a deal breaker, regardless of how well they handle their toys in scene and respect my limits.

I don't come from the school of thought that says a submissive has to take what ever the Dominant dishes out. I don't come from the school that says if the Dom says it, it's law, regardless of it's factuality. This is a lifestyle based on honesty and respect and if you can't have those things between 2 concenting adults, it's called a deal breaker in my book. I'm not just picking on the Doms here...there are a lot of submissives who misrepresent as well and I give a Dom all the credit in the world for jettisoning someone on those kinds of deal breakers as well.

Lily

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RE: Deal Breakers - 8/29/2005 5:58:11 PM   
ShiftedJewel


Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline 		Deal breakers... hmmm, off the top of my head I would have to say one would be if they are cat owners... everyone here is allergic, violent temper, drug user, wanted felon.. sorry, had to through that in (yes, I speak from experience), and probably a lot more that I just can't think of right now.

Jewel

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RE: Deal Breakers - 8/29/2005 6:23:08 PM   
ScooterTrash


Posts: 1407
Joined: 1/24/2005
From: Indiana
Status: offline 		I see no similarity at all, deal breakers and hard limits are mutually exclusive. Deal breakers would be as someone else said, the type of items that keep you from entering into a relationship in the first place. Hard limits on the other hand are simply places you will likely never go in that relationship. I would see no reason a very solid relationship couldn't be established and still be able to respect the "hard limits" of someone. John sort of hit it on the head; most deal breakers are likely similar for nilla or BDSM relationships, while limits are more specific to "off the beaten path" kinks.

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RE: Deal Breakers - 8/30/2005 12:26:02 AM   
MsPurrmeow


Posts: 261
Joined: 10/30/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ScooterTrash
I see no similarity at all, deal breakers and hard limits are mutually exclusive. Deal breakers would be as someone else said, the type of items that keep you from entering into a relationship in the first place. Hard limits on the other hand are simply places you will likely never go in that relationship.


Well said. Deal Breakers mean that it's all over, or is never going to start. Hard Limits are boundaries used within the relationship for one reason or another. Definitely very different things.

"Deal-Breakers" for me are Dishonesty, Disrespect and Manipulation. You do it, you drop the collar in the can on the way out the door. One of my Hard Limits is "ooze". If it occurs, I walk away from the situation. Feel free to recover from that mishap and come find me. We'll continue the relationship, but it's not something I'll deal with.

On another note, to come back to the OP. These things are the same for both my vanilla and my D/s relationships.

Purr


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RE: Deal Breakers - 8/30/2005 1:20:02 AM   
BlkTallFullfig


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quote:

That's one reason that I have to laugh at people who think they will "take a dip in the kink pool because the people there are easy."
I can understand how you'd think it's laughable, but a lot of men will not treat a lady with respect or consider her serious partner possibility if she right off the bat admits to being kinky; for that reason, it's not first vanilla date conversation unless I feel seriously comfortable with him and his openness.. M

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RE: Deal Breakers - 8/30/2005 1:26:48 AM   
BlkTallFullfig


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Joined: 6/25/2004
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quote:


I read an article about "Sex and Dating Deal Breakers" in the Village Voice (http://www.villagevoice.com/people/0535,bussel,67259,24.htmll) and am particularly wondering if people who also have vanilla relationships have a different set of "deal breakers" for the two, or if your parameters are the same.

Also, do you think there's a difference between "deal-breakers" and "hard limits"?
I believe there is a difference between deal breakers in that they can be recovered from given lessons learned, sufficient begging, pleading, and veritable show of remorse for trespasses.
Hard limits are absolute in my view, and signify an agreed upon line never to be crossed (unless at some point in the relationship it ceases being a hard limit). M

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RE: Deal Breakers - 8/30/2005 4:34:06 AM   
sarbonn


Posts: 203
Joined: 3/23/2004
Status: offline 		I find the introduction of a chain saw to be a deal breaker for me in a potential relationship, no matter how sexy she makes it sound.

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RE: Deal Breakers - 8/30/2005 4:52:06 AM   
smilezz


Posts: 2156
Joined: 6/18/2004
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quote:

I find the introduction of a chain saw to be a deal breaker for me in a potential relationship, no matter how sexy she makes it sound.

*grinz fondly at this memory*

I have had the extreme pleasure of being able to interract with Midori. On one particular night, She was preparing for a Demo in MindFucks...i happened to be one of the people that was helping Her carry all Her stuff in. One of those items WAS a chain saw. I did not think much of it until later as we got talking...She could clearly see my little peeks around Her at this machine...so She asked my curiousity. I merely said: What on earth do You do with that? She picked it up...asked me to close my eyes. I did. Hearing Her voice in my ear chuckling (and if any of you have ever heard HER voice, you KNOW what i mean) and that machine raging was enough for me to calm my curiousity. She did not have the chain on it, She showed me after the fact...but the sound of that today still rings fresh in my ear.

~smilezz~

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RE: Deal Breakers - 8/30/2005 5:22:20 AM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BlkTallFullfig

quote:

That's one reason that I have to laugh at people who think they will "take a dip in the kink pool because the people there are easy."
I can understand how you'd think it's laughable, but a lot of men will not treat a lady with respect or consider her serious partner possibility if she right off the bat admits to being kinky; for that reason, it's not first vanilla date conversation unless I feel seriously comfortable with him and his openness.. M


I’m a tad different here. Probably because I’m open and upfront and so many people know of my Gorean Lifestyle I make no secret of it when I start an association with some one. Right up front I tell them where I’m coming from and that I’m pagan as well. It we survive the first encounter then we may be well on the way to something, social or business. Better they learn from me first rather than from the local gossips and hear it arse about…. Had people doing slow drive bys one Sunday cause the grapevine said that I had naked slaves running about the place… Sheesh I did tell the lil one who was here the week before to disappear before I opened the door.. had some Religious folk doing a door knock and there she was in a shirik and nothing else and holding a flogger between her teeth.. Bloody hell I think they hurdled the fence during their rapid deployment out of my place….


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RE: Deal Breakers - 8/30/2005 7:45:26 AM   
LRODANDMASTER


Posts: 161
Joined: 7/13/2005
Status: offline 		THE OLNY DEAL BRAKER FOR ME IS LIKE PLEEZE DONT WARE THAT PERFUME THAT SMELLS LIKE SCRATCH N SNIFF ERASERS

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RE: Deal Breakers - 8/30/2005 7:58:14 AM   
slavedesires


Posts: 669
Joined: 3/2/2004
Status: offline
quote:

Deal-breakers are things that are outside the realm of the primary scene. If someone misrepresents themselves and I find out it's a deal breaker, regardless of how well they handle their toys in scene and respect my limits.


If an attorney misrepresents themelves to me that is not only a deal breaker and i get a new attorney and it is a hard limit...i wont recommend him.

Hardlimts and deal breakers are expectations, and we many times lower our expectations...right or wrong we do. i admit i have.

In MHO, we like to reserve the term "hardlimits" to this "lifestyle"....and its not necessarily correct.... a hardlimit in the workplace is when your are sexually harassed. It is not only a hard limit, but a deal breaker and also against the law.

Thisis just my perspective on the words we like to reserve just for us to use in this "lifestyle.

~~shy"

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RE: Deal Breakers - 8/30/2005 4:05:22 PM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

(and if any of you have ever heard HER voice, you KNOW what i mean)


I know *exactly* what you mean. It goes perfectly with her sadistic grin and mind!

- LA

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RE: Deal Breakers - 8/31/2005 4:04:40 PM   
strongnsubmissiv


Posts: 197
Joined: 9/8/2004
Status: offline 		I'm probably a minority in the malesub population when it comes to this, but smoking is the single most unsexy thing that breaks a deal with me. *shiver*

... oh, and Birkenstocks look good on nobody.

sns

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RE: Deal Breakers - 8/31/2005 4:19:08 PM   
Kasia


Posts: 442
Joined: 6/25/2005
From: The Coast of Adria
Status: offline 		Too small and too tall and skinny men.
I dont like them to be less than 172 and more than 180 cm. And should weight at least 80 kg.
And I like them to be intelligent and have a sense of humour.

If I had to spend more than one minute with skinny and stupid man I would consider that a hard punishment.


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RE: Deal Breakers - 8/31/2005 4:55:28 PM   
onceburned


Posts: 2117
Joined: 1/4/2005
From: Iowa
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BlkTallFullfig
Also, do you think there's a difference between "deal-breakers" and "hard limits"?
I believe there is a difference between deal breakers in that they can be recovered from given lessons learned, sufficient begging, pleading, and veritable show of remorse for trespasses.


Yes, a faux pas is not a deal breaker to me. What would close the door would be a characteristic of their personality such as lacking in kindness or social concern.

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)
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