RE: Hard limit of D/s outside the scene

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RE: Hard limit of D/s outside the scene - 1/19/2008 12:09:14 AM

hisannabelle

Posts: 1992
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
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greetings masomale,

personally, after having experienced a tpe relationship, i cannot imagine ever wanting to go back to being a bedroom bottom or top. at the same time, i respect the fact that not everyone is happy with giving over their entire life to someone else. what works for me may not always work for everyone. it seems from this and your other posts that you have an extreme chip on your shoulder due to your local community - my advice is just to seek out friends independently of your local community and online, and not worry about their expectations or ideas of the "one twue way." i'd also recommend stopping the attacks on other posters - not every slave is an ass kissing wimp or a trained attack dog.

for me, one of the reasons i have somewhat changed my approach in seeking a submissive is that i was upset by the fact that many bedroom bottoms approached me representing themselves as if they were submissive outside of the bedroom (i am not seeking a 24/7 relationship but i am seeking someone who is just as comfortable serving me outside of the bedroom as he is with me whipping him, because for me the sadomasochistic aspect as a dominant does not appeal to me as much as it does as a slave).

anyway, i digress. the point is, you are happy with your way of doing things. who gives a flying fuck what other people think?

respectfully,
annabelle.

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RE: Hard limit of D/s outside the scene - 1/19/2008 1:15:49 AM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
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quote:

ORIGINAL: masomale70

My trips to munches have been a disappointing waste of time.

Either quit going or find another munch group more suited for your personality and/or desires for socialization.

quote:

Why is D/s considered the most important part of BDSM?

I don't consider D/s part of BDSM so it's not more important than BDSM. It's different from BDSM but I'm a literalist and take the letters in the acronym quite literally. Bondage, Discipline, Sadomasochism .. no more, no less. If it falls outside the letters, to me, it's alternative not BDSM. BDSM does hold hands very well with many other alternative activities and relationships.

quote:

Why isn't the sadist/masochist relationship afforded the same respect?

Why should any relationship automatically be afforded respect? If it doesn't affect me, it can't bother me what others think/believe/perceive.

quote:

Can't people who like freaky pain games and sex simply be happy partners outside the bedroom?

Of course.

quote:

Why does it seem like every guy who likes his nipples twisted has to go around behaving like an ass-kissing wimp or a trained attack dog?

That would be your personal perception which hardly makes it universal truth.

quote:

24/7 or any variety TPE is a hard limit for me.

Um, okay. Someone putting a gun to your head and forcing that sort of life on you or something?

quote:

How many here go the other way and insist on it?

It's all about compatibility. There are plenty of folks who feel the same way as you. Find them.

quote:

Is such a requirement a good thing for the community?

It's not a requirement so the question becomes moot.

Celeste

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RE: Hard limit of D/s outside the scene - 1/19/2008 3:30:29 AM

Boondoggle

Posts: 123
Joined: 5/16/2005
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So, goatsea-boy is back and whining that not everyone is exactly like him... O, RLY? (Sorry, couldn't resist.) Yes, there are some groups that focus heavily on the D/s aspects of kink. Don't go to their munches. Not every group has the same atmosphere and dynamic. Find a different munch. Surely there must be some simple solution, but what could it be...?

Then he shows his true colors (in all their gaping-asshole glory) and demonstrates why most people probably don't want to socialize with him. I think he'll run out of munches before this problem is resolved.

Later, there's some other intolerant ass spewing his own spewing his own shit over everything. Suddenly the thread has devolved into 'two girls, one cup.'

And just to be clear, I am aware of the irony of my petty, mean-spirited response to what attempted to be an honest question.

In response to AAkasha's insightful reframing of the question (say, you don't work in advertising, do you?), I've never run into that type of situation. Granted, I've only been around the scene for 4 or 5 years, but I've been very active in my time and have attended, at one point, just about every damn munch I know of here. I have seen situations where people in a pre-existing relationship actively engaged in D/s activities in full view of everyone else, but that has always been a few isolated couples at most. Perhaps the San Francisco? scene is somehow overwhelmingly D/s oriented, but I find that very difficult to believe. If I had to hypothesize, I would say the most likely cause is a biased memory, we humans are very good at that, after all. But if I'm wrong and it is the case that what was described is the norm nationally and we here in Minneapolis/St. Paul have an extraordinarily casual, welcoming, playful community.

As much fun as it is to say the cold (fucking wind-chills in the double digits below zero all of yesterday, and today is supposed to be colder) keeps out the riffraff, I somehow doubt that our 'Minnesota Nice' would make the sort of difference between our perceived community norms as they are expressed here.

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RE: Hard limit of D/s outside the scene - 1/19/2008 7:12:19 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
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The first thing I would do is email the host of the munch or event and find out what the bent of the group is. If it is heavily toward DS, don't go. Try to find workshops or groups that focus on what you are interested in -- bondage, SM, things like that.

However I would venture that most people who join these sort of groups aren't interested in BDSM as a sexy variation or spice but as a large part of their life if not a good part of their sexual identity. Why? Because investing in a group, being associated with a group, can open the door to letting more of the mundane world know about your interests. Unless it is really important to you, I suspect most people don't want to take the risk.

I'd say there are a lot of people who do kink in the bedroom and who do it from time to time. I'm not surprised at all that they don't go to munches, workshops or playparties.

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RE: Hard limit of D/s outside the scene - 1/19/2008 10:28:16 AM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
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I am not responding to this guy, but I do want to let other readers know that not every munch is a waste of time. Here in SE Michigan, there is a munch somewhere just about every weekend. Some are utterly cliquish---one is pretty much useless unless you are a SF fen---but if you are friendly and smile pretty, chances are you will find a welcome. None of our local munches involves any kind of protocol---in fact, finding kink-related discussion is often difficult. Folks are just as likely to be talking about boats, movies, the ums, cars, and whatever else occupies their lives.

Munches are a place to meet other kinky folk without the trappings of scene events. It can be a little tricky, since no one has a sign on their hat proclaiming their orientation or interests. No hanky codes at a munch! Granted, if you are at all shy, it's not so great, but that is why munches generally have hosts. There's no guarantee that you will meet anyone interesting, or even have fun, but it is an avenue to try.

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RE: Hard limit of D/s outside the scene - 1/19/2008 10:46:59 AM

CdnExplorer

Posts: 227
Joined: 2/12/2007
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I think that we tend to focus more on the D/s aspect of things at times because a lot of the things we're interested in and the play stuff gravitates a bit towards that. People tend to compare themselves to others, and the M/s dynamic really is more extreme in a psychological sense. That said the community I've been part of has more people who are into play than really extreme power exchanges. Where I live is small town enough though that we can't splinter off into focused groups. Depending on where you live, you may be able to find a munch that works for you.

Now regarding this...

quote:

Why does it seem like every guy who likes his nipples twisted has to go around behaving like an ass-kissing wimp or a trained attack dog?

I'm very disappointed that once again people are attacking the messenger, not the message. This is a very valid point about the difficulties in being a male submissive. I was stuck in the closet over my sub side for almost 10 years because of the stereotype that guys who aren't dominant have to be weak little wimps. Of course once I started to meet a good crowd of lifestylers I discovered that I don't have to pretend to be something I'm not, in order to express the darker parts of myself. Still, in other circles there is a tremendous amount of pressure on a sub guy to "become one with the borg" and play out his "role".

< Message edited by CdnExplorer -- 1/19/2008 10:47:25 AM >

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RE: Hard limit of D/s outside the scene - 1/19/2008 7:07:07 PM

herpet1313

Posts: 68
Joined: 9/18/2005
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Laurell3;
You are so right. i was off base and i apologize to any and all i may have offended.
my experince at munches was just the opposite of the one who began this post. It was all about S/M. Cannings with blood and such. Not my cup of tea at all. But, just because i cannot understand the masochists mindset is no reason to judge them negatively. Sorry agin to all.

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RE: Hard limit of D/s outside the scene - 1/19/2008 10:51:31 PM

MsCfromMelbourne

Posts: 777
Joined: 2/15/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: masomale70

My trips to munches have been a disappointing waste of time. Role. Why is D/s considered the most important part of BDSM? Why isn't the sadist/masochist relationship afforded the same respect?

24/7 or any variety TPE is a hard limit for me. How many here go the other way and insist on it? Is such a requirement a good thing for the community?

Pop is back.

1) Our munches are plain clothes with no BDSM (or D/s) on show. How did you figure out everyone was into D/s without SM?

2) What makes you think sado-masochism is afforded less respect? Can you read minds? Remember, no-one can make you feel inferior without your consent (Eleanor Roosevelt).

3) I read here in collarme that D/s is what we are and BDSM is what we do. When you hand your dick over to your girlfriend (at high risk of amputation), you are exchanging power. D/s and BDSM is all the same stuff, but everyone does it in different combinations. Even you, masomale. Don't buy into all the labels and One True Wayism

3) At munches, I tell people we are predominantly sado-masochists and invite them to use our real names. No need to kneel or use stupid made up names. My sub talks like a normal human being too. No-one gives us a hard time.

4) SO.....is the frosty reception you got at the munch really about your kink, or about your defensive attitude?

5) Having said that, I personally find munches boring becuase they are full of newbies with a head full of D/s protocol they read on the internet. I get tired of hearing the same lectures about SSC, RACK and what a Real Dom/me, real sub and real slave have to be.

But I don't jump to the conclusion these D/s evangelists consider themselves superior. They are just clueless newbies showing off all these exciting new fantasies they just discovered. Real life will slap them in the head soon enough

6) My tip to enjoy a munch: stick to the people who don't bother trying to impress you by cr*apping on about their version of D/s or BDSM. Or feel sorry for them - after all, they are trying to impress you!!

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RE: Hard limit of D/s outside the scene - 1/20/2008 12:27:15 AM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: herpet1313

Laurell3;
You are so right. i was off base and i apologize to any and all i may have offended.
my experince at munches was just the opposite of the one who began this post. It was all about S/M. Cannings with blood and such. Not my cup of tea at all. But, just because i cannot understand the masochists mindset is no reason to judge them negatively. Sorry agin to all.

Wow this is rare here kudos to you for the apology and accepted. Thanks!

It might be more about technique because it's one thing that lends it self to discussion without as much debate. I don't know your scene, maybe try to find another group that is more M/s D/s oriented? Anyhow, thanks again.

< Message edited by laurell3 -- 1/20/2008 12:28:43 AM >

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RE: Hard limit of D/s outside the scene - 1/20/2008 5:44:29 AM

LadyHathor

Posts: 775
Joined: 1/2/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: masomale70

        My trips to munches have been a disappointing waste of time. Role.  Why is D/s considered the most important part of BDSM? Why isn't the sadist/masochist relationship afforded the same respect? Can't people who like freaky pain games and sex simply be happy partners outside the bedroom?

      Why does it seem like every guy who likes his nipples twisted has to go around behaving like an ass-kissing wimp or a trained attack dog?

      24/7 or any variety TPE is a hard limit for me. How many here go the other way and insist on it? Is such a requirement a good thing for the community?

STOP!! Your hasty generalizations.

THAT is what's wrong with the life we seek---Everyone, every male, every female, every Dom, every Domina--every every every---

STOP--do you feel the same about Republicans? Democrats? Christians?

That is great that 24/7 is a hard limit for you, Republicans are a hard limit for Me---what you missed, is that it is an individual decision--you may have been with those that seek something different from you--that does not mean it represents ALL thinking or ALL behavior--and what do you care? Represent what you seek, what you like and be done.

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RE: Hard limit of D/s outside the scene - 1/20/2008 5:56:20 AM

eyesopened

Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
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quote:

ORIGINAL: masomale70

        My trips to munches have been a disappointing waste of time. Role.  Why is D/s considered the most important part of BDSM? Why isn't the sadist/masochist relationship afforded the same respect? Can't people who like freaky pain games and sex simply be happy partners outside the bedroom?

      Why does it seem like every guy who likes his nipples twisted has to go around behaving like an ass-kissing wimp or a trained attack dog?

      24/7 or any variety TPE is a hard limit for me. How many here go the other way and insist on it? Is such a requirement a good thing for the community?

*shrug* find a different group or stay away from munch groups. The munch group i belong to doesn't resemble what you've described at all... in fact it tends to lean more toward the S&M aspects than D/s.

Another thing i could suggest...perception is reality and if you can't change your reality you can always change your perception.

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